I wouldn’t know how true the statement was until someone started banging on the door, calling my name. “Addy, are you in there? Addy?”
“It’s your dad,” Cole announced.
“Yeah, I know.”
I dressed as fast as I could, seeing Cole doing the same thing. My hair was dripping wet. Hopefully he’d think we’d gotten caught in the rain.
I rushed to the kitchen door, removed the chair, and opened it. My dad pulled me outside. It was alarming how he looked at me. “Go home now!”
He started going in the trailer, I thought to attack Cole because we’d been together again. As I followed behind I heard my dad screaming. His voice was loud, and I’d never heard him so angry in my whole life. I was petrified.
“Your foster brother was just here, Cole. I found it interesting when he asked if I’d met my daughter’s new boyfriend. He informed me how the two of you met. You had my daughter lie for you. I want you out, not tomorrow or the next day. I want you out now!”
Cole tried to talk to my father. “Sir, I can explain.”
My dad covered his face. “Does she know?”
“Know what?” I watched the color disappear from Cole’s face.
“Does my daughter know who you are? Does she know she’s been sleeping with a relative of the person who murdered her sibling? Does she know the kind of people you really are?”
“You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not like them.”
My dad threw up his hands. He shoved Cole back. “Don’t you fucking move. You will not come near my family again, do you understand?”
“Daddy, please.”
I didn’t understand any of this. None of it made sense. Who did he think Cole was? “What are you talking about? You must be mistaken. Joe’s a liar. He’ll do anything to hurt Cole.”
My dad looked at me with so much hate in his eyes. “You need to go home, Addison. NOW!”
“No!” I stood my ground, tears pouring out of my eyes now. “I’m not leaving until one of you tells me what is going on.”
Cole covered his face. I could tell he was upset. “Dad, you’re wrong.”
“No, darlin’; I wish I was.”
I looked at Cole. “Cole. Say something. Tell him he’s wrong.”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry, precious.” I swear his eyes were glossy. “Tucker Chase was my uncle. It’s what I didn’t want you to know.”
“Wait.” I stumbled on the details. “If you knew who he was to my family, then you knew all about me before we hooked up. This whole time you’ve known and you didn’t tell me.” I covered my mouth. “No. No, you wouldn’t do this to me.”
“Addison,” he tried to get my attention, but my dad was standing in between us.
“Get your shit off my land. Don’t visit my daughter. Don’t call her. Stay away from my family. Do you understand me? Keep your name, and your evils away from us.”
I was too distraught to stick around and watch it unfold. This wasn’t some little white lie he didn’t want me to know. All along Cole knew my parents would never accept us. He had to know they’d find out.
Was this a sick game? Did he come back to town to pay us back for his uncle’s death? How could he use me? He knew how vulnerable I could be. How insensitive of a person had I been sleeping with?
My God, I told him I was falling in love with him. How could I know? How stupid was I for not recognizing his last name. I’d brought him into our lives. I’d shared intimate moments with him.
I made it five steps outside in the yard before hurling. I was ill over it, utterly disgusted with myself and my actions. Home was where I belonged, but it wasn’t where I went. Once my feet started moving I couldn’t stop. I kept running until I couldn’t see the lights of the trailer any longer. I ran deep into the woods where no one would look for me. A tree stump sent me falling down. My palms stung as I realized the skin was off of them. I didn’t get up off the wet leaves. I couldn’t move. I was numb. The rain fell down over me, washing away the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. I’d opened myself up to a stranger. I deserved this. How was I supposed to handle this? What was I to do when I had to face my family. They now knew I lied. They knew I’d met Cole when he was detoxing. They knew more about him than I did. My foolish heart had brought me to this place. Now I was broken, back to feeling the way I used to before I started using.
The sadness was heart wrenching. I curled up on the cold ground and bawled, wishing there was something to take away the pain. I didn’t want to experience this. I didn’t want to be that same disappointment again to my family. I couldn’t look them in the eyes and know what they were thinking.
I’d tried to be a good person. I’d worked hard to accomplish my new goals. Now I’d have no one on my side. They wouldn’t support me. I was on my own again.
Up until this very moment I’d never wanted to use so badly. Being clean was painful. I wanted to be back in that safe place where nothing mattered. I wanted it all to stop.
Chapter 19
Cole
I stood face to face with Addison’s dad, prepared to have him swing at me, or worse. He was being irrational, and now Addison was gone. She couldn’t know how sorry I was for how she found out. “Sir, I’m telling you, I’m nothing like my uncle. I’m nothing like any of them.”
“Every word out of your mouth is a lie, boy. Gather your things.”
“No, you listen to me. I wanted to tell her. She told me the past didn’t matter to her. I made her happy. That has to count for something. I care about her. This wasn’t about revenge. We have a connec-.”
“Don’t. Don’t talk about my daughter. It’s over. Do you hear me? Whatever you think you had, it wasn’t real. I’d die before I let anyone from your kin be with my family. What was taken from us we’ll never get back.”
“You can’t stop me from seeing her.”
That old man brought his arm around and clocked me right in the nose before I could see it coming. I shoved him backward and threw up my hands. “Whoa. Wait a minute here. I don’t want to fight you. I’ll leave. Just let me get my things.”
“You will stay away from daughter. I’d rather rot in a jail cell than have you anywhere near her. Take that as a warning. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.”
“She was safe. I care about your daughter. You might not believe it, but it’s true. You’ve got to understand my position. I couldn’t tell her.” I knew he wasn’t listening. He didn’t care. His mind was made up before he stepped foot into the trailer.
I managed to get my things together and shoved them in two duffle bags. I strapped them to my back and hopped on the motorcycle. The rain continued to fall down over me, but I was too irritated to care. This was why I knew better than to get involved with Addison. I knew it would end badly. I just thought I’d have more time to prepare for it.
I was losing her. Every second that passed by reminded me of how bad I’d fucked this up. I’d taken something beautiful and turned it into shit. I’d destroyed her heart, her ability to trust, and maybe even her willpower to stay clean. I hated myself. I wanted to drive my bike off a cliff so I didn’t have to feel the agonizing grief I’d been stricken with.
With nowhere else to go, I spent the night at the tattoo shop. There was a cot in the back room, so it wasn’t terrible, although I couldn’t calm down enough to sleep. Joe had ruined my life again and again. It was just like high school again, when he hid his party drugs in my locker and got me expelled. Yeah, I planned on smoking some of it, but it was his idea to buy it and keep it with me. I’d promised to take it to my grave because I knew how much he wanted to be a police officer. I kept that secret as my own for all these years, only to have his jealous ass do this to me.
This was how he repaid me – by ruining any chance of happiness for me.
Several times I attempted to reach out to Addison. Her phone would ring until it went to voicemail. I text her, so many times I knew it was redundant.
No answer.
>
For the next ten days I waited to hear from Addison. There were times when I wanted to get on my motorcycle and drive until I couldn’t go any further. Nothing was left for me in this town, nothing but pain.
I found a shitty motel that charged by the night to stay in, but I was looking into some small single-wide trailers to rent until I could figure out what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to end up.
On the eleventh day I couldn’t stand it anymore. I knew Addison would be at the hospital to make her rounds with the new patients, so I waited in the parking lot. The moment I saw her car pull in I felt my stomach knotting up. It didn’t matter what happened as long as I could get her to hear me out. With no regard for how she’d react, I rushed up to her, blocking her from going any further. My hands went up. “Please just hear me out.”
She hated me. I could see it in those beautiful green eyes of hers. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Put yourself in my shoes. What would you have done?”
“I would have told you the truth from the beginning.” She was already getting emotional. “I never would have been able to live with it like you did.”
“I’ve lived with it my whole life. Do you think I like being a Chase? Do you think I get a kick out of telling people from around here my name? They all judge me because of what my uncle did to your mom. Damn it, Addison, everything I said to you was the truth. You said you were falling in love with me.”
“I was confused. I hadn’t been involved with someone since getting in the program. You took advantage of me. You said all the right things. I let you in, and all along you knew exactly who you were and what it meant to my family. You knew we couldn’t be together. God, you even hinted about it. How could I have been so stupid?”
“You’re wrong. I didn’t take anything from you. All I wanted was to be close to you. What we shared was mutual.” I reached for her and watched as she jerked her arm away.
“No. It wasn’t. I wanted it to be so much that I believed every word out of your mouth.” She shook her head. “Why are you here, Cole? What do you want?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I want you.”
She practically laughed in my face. “You need to go.”
“I’ve thought about you every second of every day since I last saw you. Does that sound like someone who used you? Please, just hear me out.”
Finally she looked right into my eyes. “Please, just go, Cole. Start your life somewhere new where you don’t have to be associated with your family. There is nothing you can say to change my mind.”
“For starters, I’m in love with you.”
Her expression was unreadable. She stood there in a daze, like she hadn’t heard me, even though I knew she had.
“Say something.”
“I need to go inside. I have work to do.”
“I never lied about my feelings. Everything you felt, I felt it too. You can deny it now, but I know it’s real. I can’t change where I came from. I knew that from the start. It’s why I didn’t want to tell you. The longer we were together, the more I wanted to be someone else. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be the man you need me to be. I’m sorry I fucked everything up. I’m sorry I’ll never be the guy you can bring home to daddy.”
I had to walk away. People were starting to look at us and I didn’t want to jeopardize what she had going at the hospital. I knew how important it was to her.
I don’t know why I expected her to come running after me. I played it out in my head like the chick-flick movies we used to watch together. When I looked back she was gone. I suppose I deserved as much. She’d made it clear we were over. She wanted me to start a new life somewhere else.
It sucked feeling like I was being rejected again. Everyone I’d ever loved in my life had thrown me away like the trash. I don’t know why I continued thinking that could change; why I thought someone would ever love me.
I didn’t understand how some people went through life having so much. Why had I been born to someone who never wanted me; someone who prefers a bottle or crack pipe over being a mother?
Addison was dedicating her life to help others, but she’d never be able to tell me why I couldn’t catch a break. She’d never be able to help me figure out why I fell for her so fast, or why I knew I’d probably never experience what we shared with anyone else. It was another devastating blow to add to my already failed attempts at a normal life.
Before I left the parking lot I took something out of my bag. I couldn’t believe I’d kept it for so long. I wrote a little note on the edge and tucked it under her windshield wiper. Even if she hated me forever, I wanted her to have something to remember our short time together. I wanted her to always know that it was real, not some sick head game meant as a vendetta. She needed to know what we had was pure and innocent. It wasn’t based on anyone else’s lives, or the sins they committed. It was just us; two people connected by a force neither of us could explain.
It took a while for me to calm down and head to work. When I got there I went directly to my station and started drawing up some designs. It was difficult to stay focused when I remained in a fowl mood. Every once in a while I’d check my phone to find not one single call or message. In all of my life I’d never felt so alone.
By lunchtime I was ready to call it a day. We hadn’t had anyone come in, and the silence was making me want to bang my head against the wall.
Just as I was cleaning up my station, I heard the sound of the door jingle. I turned and saw her reflection before realizing who it was. She was standing with what I’d left on her car.
I took her by the arm and pulled her into the storage room because I could already see she was crying. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
She held up the picture. “Why did you leave this on my car?”
“You know why.”
She looked down at it again. “If it isn’t love, why does it hurt so much?”
This time she let me pull her into my arms. I held her there, so tight I’d thought she’d complain. Her sniffles let me know she wasn’t ready to talk, so I remained silent, appreciating how she wasn’t shoving me away.
“Only real love hurts like this. Trust me. I’ve been kicked around quite a bit.”
“I miss you so much. It’s killing me. I’ve been thinking about using. I won’t do it, but I’ve considered if it would be better than feeling so pitiful.”
“I don’t know how to make it better, but you have to stay strong.”
“What if I can’t?” She whined.
“Then I won’t let you out of my sight, even if I have to deal with your family.”
“They won’t let us be together, Cole. They’re adamant about it. They think you’ll drag me down. They keep reminding me how you lied, but you’re right. I wouldn’t have understood. I wouldn’t have believed what was happening between us was genuine.”
I pulled back and held her hands instead. “Look at me, Addison.” I waited until she did what I requested. “I was afraid to say it before. I knew if I took it to the next level it would kill me if I ever had to give you up. The past ten days have been torture. You’re all I think about. I want to go to sleep at night because I know you’ll be in my dreams. I don’t care what kind of hurdles I need to jump through. I want you. I’ll fight for you, because damn it, I’m tired of waiting for reasons to not love you.”
“What if they never accept you? What then?”
“I know how much family means to you. I get it. I may not understand it, but I do see how important it is. You need them and they need you, but the thing is, I need you too. I need you to remind me I can be loved.”
“I just want to go back to the way it was.” Her admission made most of the pain I’d been feeling go away, like it was magic. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Cole. I should have listened to you, but you hurt me. I hated how you kept it a secret. I felt like I told you everything about myself, but the most important detail about you was a secret. The fact tha
t my dad knew before me set me off. I knew he’d never allow us to be together. I had to prepare for the worst, because losing you would complicate everything I’d worked so hard to overcome.”
“If you take me back it won’t be perfect. They’re not going to forgive me. I can’t ask you to choose.”
“I choose me, Cole. It’s not about them, or even you. It’s my choice. I want my life back, so I’m choosing me.”
I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly to hers. I interpreted this as her saying we were going to be together. For a moment in time nothing existed except the two of us. When I pulled away and opened my eyes she was staring right at me. “I’m staying in a shitty motel, but I’d like to take you there so we could talk. Do you think that would be okay?”
She shrugged. “If I go there, you and I both know what will happen. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to stop. I can’t have a rollercoaster relationship, even if I know it will make me happy. I’m sorry, Cole, but I have to go home.” She started walking away from me. “The picture is beautiful, just like you. I’ll never forget the way you made me feel. I wouldn’t trade the time we spent together for anything.”
All of a sudden I realized what she was doing. This wasn’t a makeup, it was a goodbye. “We could make it work.”
She shook her head. “You know we can’t. The world says we can’t be together. It’s like those two families we learned about in history class. The Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s. Our families will never find common ground.”
“I love you, Addison Mitchell. I want you to know it when I’m not around to remind you.”
“I love you too, Cole Chase. For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t have cared where you came from.” She paused for a second and started to get choked up. “I hope you have a good life. I’ll think of you often, and maybe one day I can stop missing you so much.” Then she lifted her hand and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”
Just like that she was gone, and this time I knew it was for good.
Addison Page 15
