Chapter 20
Addison
It had been ten days since the blowout that left me wondering what was real or perhaps some scheme to get back at my family. In those days that followed Cole leaving the ranch I went through every emotion known to man. I was broken, hurting, angry, scared, unknowing, lost. Some days I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep it together without wanting to go back to my old ways. I knew a temporary fix would camouflage what I couldn’t keep my mind off of.
More than any other emotion, I missed him. We hadn’t been together long, but to me, it felt like years upon years. Yes, he’d lied to me, but was it really a terrible lie? It wasn’t like I’d asked him if he was any relation to that family. It was more like he’d kept the truth from me. I just wasn’t positive if it was because he cared, or more to the point of having other motives.
That night still replayed in my mind – my dad searching every nook and cranny he could to locate me. By the time I saw the flashlight shining on my body, I wished I’d perished. I couldn’t begin to know how to look into his disappointed eyes and tell him how sorry I was. Internally beaten up, I was lifted into his arms and carried all the way home. It must have been a good mile, and he never slowed.
My dad was much like the equipment he used every day. He was resilient, strong, and determined. He’s who I would have liked to be. Instead I was weak, and now clearly a terrible judge of character.
For the hike back to the house he kept reminding me how much it was going to be okay. “Don’t you worry, darlin’. Daddy’s got you.”
I nestled my body into his, because of all the places in the world this was the most safest. He did have me, and unlike Cole, his love was real. My dad didn’t hide behind his religion or beliefs he told the truth, even when we didn’t want to hear it. I’d forever respect that part of him.
I don’t remember much of the walk, except for the fact that I was freezing cold, soaking wet, and trembling in his arms. My mother stood on the porch awaiting his return. I remember she was holding her cross from her necklace in her hand. As soon as she saw us she kissed it and ran in our direction. I hated they worried this much about me. I was supposed to be a grown woman, capable of making my own decisions. The only thing I’d shown them on this occasion was that I had the mentality of a child, and a terrible way of showing respect and admiration to the two people in the world that would rather die than see me in pain.
Once inside of our house, I went upstairs to take a hot shower. I sat down on the tile floor and let the sprays run cold while I wept. My unfortunate evening had left me unable to want to do anything other than cry.
Noah and Shalan stopped by with their son, Jordan Noah, who was the spitting image of my brother. His bright green eyes made me want to smile, and for a little while I was content playing around on the floor with him, as if nothing had happened. He was almost six months old. With his first birthday still a good bit away, Shalan was sitting with my mother planning on how they were going to design the cake. Noah and my dad were discussing some new fan system for a chicken house, leaving me to be without unwanted questions. When it started to get late Jordan got fussy. My mom was the first to try and coax him, but what he needed was to go home so he could get a good night’s sleep – something I knew I wouldn’t be getting anytime soon.
As they were leaving, Chris was walking in. She tried to get Jordan to smile, but he was being stubborn, hiding his face from her. She didn’t seem too bent out of shape and I knew why. She was there for me, not our nephew. Chris took me by the hand and led me upstairs, ignoring the fact that our parents expected a hello at the least. Once my bedroom door was shut she pulled me into her arms and held me while I broke down again.
It took me a while to explain everything that transpired. It took her longer to sit there wondering how I didn’t recognize the last name. “So what now? What are you going to do?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. What can I do? No matter how I feel it doesn’t help the fact that we can’t be together. Even if I love him, it changes nothing.”
“Why don’t you go visit everyone in North Carolina? You could stay with Jax and Amber for a week and clear your head.”
I shrugged. “Amber is about to deliver twins. I’m not going to add to the stress.”
“Stay with Bella, or Aunt Miranda and Uncle Ty. I wouldn’t recommend Aunt Amy and Uncle Conner. They’re dealing with Cassie’s shit”
“I need to stay here. I have school, and meetings. I can’t just leave because life gets hard.”
“People take vacations. You’re entitled to live you know. You don’t have to be so structured.”
“It’s how I stay focused. Anyway, leaving town isn’t going to fill the void. I’m always going to wonder if it was real.”
Looking back on that night now with the answer was just as confusing. I never expected Cole to show up at the hospital to talk to me. I didn’t know he’d leave that drawing of me; the one he did when I was naked. The note attached ripped me apart. It wasn’t long, but it changed everything.
I never knew what happiness was until you walked into my life. I never wanted a family until I saw what a real one looked like. If I had the chance, I’d tell you I love you every day, because I do. I love you Addison Mitchell. I think I loved you from the first moment your lips touched mine.
Come back to me. Be with me.
- Cole
It was a no brainer why I drove to his tattoo shop, or what I wanted to say when I got there. What I couldn’t handle were the waves of emotions I felt as I kissed him goodbye. We could never be. He had to understand there would never be a future for us. Mitchell’s and Chase’s would never be able to be together. The damage was done. My mother almost lost her life by the hands of his uncle. No one in my family would ever accept Cole. He’d threatened the lives of my aunt and cousin. He’s burned down the barn my parents were to get married in. He’d taken too much from us – it was unforgivable.
Saying goodbye to Cole was the hardest thing I’d done in my whole life. In so many ways I wanted to run back to him. I wanted to tell him I wouldn’t give up – we’d find a way, but I knew it wasn’t fair. I couldn’t offer false hope, not even to myself to ease the pain.
I drove straight to a meeting that night, prepared to remain strong. I sat there listening to peers discuss getting high, and how amazing they felt when they were using. While they spoke my mind went back to a place when nothing else mattered. I’d been staying with someone I knew. We weren’t intimate. He was gay. Anyway, we’d spend our money on enough drugs to last us the weekends and then we’d go nuts. We’d spend days upon days stoned out of our minds. While using I felt alive. When I slept it came easy. I didn’t have to fight it, or wake up from nightmares. It was peaceful back then; back when nothing mattered but my fix.
That night was the first time I’d walked out of a meeting. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to go back to that happy place and disappear. My family would never understand.
It didn’t take me long to find one of my old contacts and score some coke. It was the easiest to get for the time being. I stared down in my cup-holder at the tiny Ziploc baggie. I’d come so far only to fall back down again. This time I didn’t care about what was as stake. I didn’t want to be clean or counsel people for a new life. I needed to take the edge off. I wanted to forget about my feelings for Cole, my broken heart, the future we’d never have, and most importantly, how my father had torn us apart. I was angry, so much where I felt as if I hated my parents.
Just one night of relaxation and I’d go back to life as usual.
For a while I stared down at the white powder inside the bag. I curled and uncurled a dollar bill at least ten times, while trying to talk myself out of it. I’d put my credit card back in my wallet sleeve and then pulled it out again.
Why had I bought it? What was I thinking?
It was just a little fix. My problems would be forgotten. I could relax for once.
I knew this wa
s wrong. It would set me back, but no one would have to know. It was one time. I would be clean by morning.
It would be a secret.
My hands were profusely shaking, because my inner conscience was fighting me. I knew this was wrong to want. In so many ways I knew it could lead to my untimely death if I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t be in control if I started up again. I’d lose everything I’d worked so hard for.
They say the lord works in mysterious ways. I’d always had faith, but I wondered how much divine intervention could be true. On this particular night, at the very moment I leaned down to do my first line, someone knocked on my window. It startled me, sending the paper tray and it’s contents tumbling onto the passenger side seat.
Feeling disturbed, I rolled down the window but hadn’t turned to look at who it could be. My first inkling, since I was in a parking lot near a gas station, was that it was someone asking for directions. His height kept me from seeing his face, but I recognized the artwork on his arms. He leaned down, took one look at me, and the items on the seat next to me. The rolled dollar, powder and credit card were obvious. I was almost afraid to hear him speak.
With tears streaming down my now guilty face, I awaited his response.
“Get the fuck out of the car, precious.”
I clung to the steering wheel. “No.”
He raised his voice. “I’m not asking, I’m telling you. Now!”
“I have nothing to say to you, Cole. We’ve said our goodbyes. Leave it alone. Please, I can’t take seeing you. You’re the reason I’m alone. You’re the reason I can’t focus on anything else.”
He reached in, unlocked the door and pulled me out of the car. His firm body pressed against mine as he stared into my eyes. The dim lit street lights weren’t enough for him to see, so while keeping me in place he turned on the flash to his cell phone and checked my pupils. I tried to fight my way free by kicking him between the legs, but his hand caught me just as my knee came up. “Don’t you dare.”
“I’m serious. Get off me.”
“I watched you, Addison. I was pumping gas and watched you buy it. You didn’t even try to hide it. Are you that desperate? How could you be so careless?”
“Don’t worry about what I do.”
“You’re reckless because of me. Of course I’m going to worry. You say we can’t be together, but I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
He reached in the car, rolled up the windows and grabbed my purse and keys. Before shutting it, he leaned back in and cleaned off my seat, unfolding the dollar and putting the card back in my bag. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Get your hands off my things.”
“I’m taking you home.”
I froze in place. “I’m not going anywhere with you, especially to the ranch.”
“Not your home, mine. You’re coming with me. I’m not going to let you go out and do something this reckless. You’ve just ruined two years sober. My god, what were you thinking?”
I was so angry I didn’t tell him I hadn’t done anything yet. It was embarrassing having him see me this way – the advocate of being clean – Miss perfect example, falling into the depths of abuse all over again. “I’m not going to some motel with you.”
“The hell you aren’t.” He grabbed ahold of my shirt and pushed me along. Once we made it to the motorcycle, he handed me his helmet. “Put this on, and don’t argue. If I have to drive with you over my shoulder I absolutely will.”
I shoved him away before abiding. “You can’t tell me what to do.”
“I can and I will. Do it, or I’ll call your daddy and tell him what his pretty little girl has gotten herself into again.”
I growled loudly, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I hate you for this.”
It wasn’t the truth, but I thought if I could make him angry enough he’d tell me to go to hell and leave me in peace.
I was wrong.
“You’ll never hate me. That’s your problem. You can’t. No matter how damn hard you try, you can’t let go.” He climbed on the bike in front of me, took my hands and wrapped them around his warm sides. “Hold on, precious.”
He revved the motor before we took off, leaving my locked car parked in the lot. I didn’t know where we were going, but as the wind beat down on my face I rested my head on his back and felt comfort. It was like I belonged there, close to him, holding him tight and never wanting to let go.
Chapter 21
Cole
Seeing her car there in that parking lot was a godsend. She was seconds away from doing a line, throwing everything she’d worked so hard for away – all because of me. Something inside of me erupted. I had to stop her, no matter what I had to do to make it happen. I couldn’t let her slip away. I couldn’t lose her and know she was off somewhere getting high to forget about me and what we shared.
The drive to the motel was quick. I was surprised when she held me tight and didn’t complain. Once inside of the small rental, she looked around and finally sat down on one of the two chairs. “So this is where you live now?”
“I’m fixing to get a trailer. The people are moving out next week. Until then I’m stuck here. It’s not so bad. I have everything I need,” I corrected the statement. “Well, almost.”
She snickered in a sarcastic way. “Yeah, whatever.”
I sat down on the bed across from her and tried to grab her hands. Addison pulled them away quickly. “Don’t touch me.”
“Why? Are you afraid of me now?”
“I’m not doing this. You’ve got me here. I can’t get into trouble. Now leave me alone.”
I stood up and locked the door, before heading into the bathroom to turn on the shower. I came back out and pulled off my shirt, throwing it with the rest of the accumulated clothes in a corner. “The remote is on the nightstand. Make yourself comfortable.”
“I’m not staying here, Cole. When you’re done being an asshole you can drive me back to my car.”
“Fat chance.” I stripped right in front of her, and then retreated to the bathroom to let her stew in private.
After I’d shampooed my hair I heard the door opening and closing. The sound of the toilet seat being lowered let me know she was in the room. “Did you come to thank me?”
“No. I had to pee. I’m not thanking you.” She flushed the toilet, immediately making the shower scalding hot. When I yelled she began to laugh. “Serves you right.”
She wasn’t able to leave the room. I latched onto her shirt and pulled her back toward me, continuing until she was standing under the spraying water in front of me. She screamed and tried to get out, but I refused to let her go. “Let me go.”
“No.”
“I’m not kidding, Cole. Let me go.”
I held both of her arms and forced her to stop squirming. Then I pushed her backwards until she was pressed against the wall. “Why are you making this so hard? I just want to help. Stop fighting me.” I moved a few pieces of loose hair away from her eyes. “I miss us, precious. Let me take care of you.”
She turned her face away and furrowed her brows. “No. We can’t. It will hurt worse this time. I can’t handle it.”
I grabbed her chin and made her look at me. My lips brushed over hers as I spoke. Immediately her eyes started to close. “I’m just a guy who loves a girl. I know she loves me back, even when she’s fighting.”
Her green eyes opened and got wide. For a second we stared at each other. It was like she was contemplating what her next move would be. Then I felt her hands digging into my hair, pulling me toward her for a full-blown kiss. Her tongue entered my mouth, while my hands started removing her dripping clothes. I couldn’t hold back my urgency to have her naked and be inside of her again. She needed to know she was mine and nothing, especially our families, could stop this from happening. As the water fell down around us, the barrier she’d put up started to fall. Her hands were now touching me, pulling me closer. Her tongue was in sync with mine. The hunger I felt was being f
ed, and I knew without a doubt she wasn’t going to push me away.
I spun Addison around, pushing her face up against the hard tile. Her hands lifted and were placed flat as I spread her legs, dipping my body down to kiss her shoulders. I reached her spine, lowering myself as I tasted her salty skin.
Her ass, just as nice as I remember it to be, was waiting to be tended to. I ran one hand over each cheek, slapping them lightly before massaging them once more. Her little hole was right up in my face, and as I ran a bar of soap into a lathered pattern on the whole area, she started to moan. I let two fingers slide in between the crack, washing every crevice while giving her pleasure. When I reached her pussy I heard another sound escape her.
I continued letting my fingers explore, feeling how wet she was from the little I’d already done. I licked my lips with anticipation, knowing as soon as she was rinsed I’d give her unadulterated pleasure. She’d say my name and beg for more, until her knees were too weak to continue to stand. I’d give her more reason why we were good together, with all intentions of keeping her for as long as she’d stay.
While my efforts were to take her to euphoria, I focused on making sure my lips coasted over every inch of skin. Finally they brushed over her pussy, lapping her up from behind. I drove my tongue inside, forcing it as far as I could. She leaned over, bending to allow me easier access. I continued going at it, licking, sucking, and rubbing her little clit until she succumbed to her first orgasm. Then, before she had stopped shaking, I spun and twirled her back around then stood up, while still running my hands over her sensitive clit. “I love it when you do that,” I whispered against her mouth.
She kissed me hard, taking my erection into her hands and dropping to her knees. She’d done this before, but never so aggressively. I leaned back and let her work, stroking me while sucking hard on the tip of my cock. My body began bobbing with her rhythm, and when it was almost near closing time, I pulled her mouth off of me. “Hold on. Let’s take this in the other room.”
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