Should've Been You

by Nicole McLaughlin

  “Like fucking another guy? That just . . . happens when you love someone else?”

  “We’d broken up. Don’t make me the bad guy when we ended things mutually after both kissing other people. Both of us.”

  Walking over to her, he put a hand on her face. “Don’t let this break us, Becca.” His forehead settled against hers and he inhaled deep, his eyes pinching shut, nearly in agony. “God, I smell that bastard on you.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes, because what had she done? This man had been by her side for two years. They hadn’t been perfect, far from it. But until recently things had been good. Okay. Things had been okay. Maybe they often spent evenings apart because she had papers to grade and he had accounts to update. But when they were together, they laughed. Kissed. Made love even if it didn’t blow her mind the way last night had. Part of that had to be just fantasy becoming reality. But was that sustainable? And what if Brian was right about Jase being jealous of Hannah becoming engaged.

  Glancing out the window, she saw Jase with his hands around Hannah, holding her head to his chest. Oh God. What were they talking about? Was this enough to set Hannah off to reveal her true feelings for Jase? That could be what he’d been waiting for. It hurt to imagine that he’d possibly considered her second best.

  She let her hands slip around Brian. Did he feel as good? He felt . . . safe. Reliable and comfortable. She could build a life around that kind of stability, couldn’t she? Except . . . “Why did you kiss another woman?” she whispered.

  He opened his eyes and stared at her. Then his hands threaded into her hair. “Because she seemed to want me, too, Becca. It’s that simple. It wasn’t about her or what she looked like. It was how she made me feel.”

  “Did I ever make you feel like that?” She asked quietly.

  His beat of silence told her more than his words ever would. Finally, he said, “Of course you did.”

  She considered that. Jase had made her feel wanted that night beside the bar, pressed into that brick wall. And, sure, Brian had made it clear in the begging that he was into her. But the passion had never been the same intensity of what she’d experienced with Jase. Maybe that was her fault, though. “But Brian, relationships have ups and downs. How do I know you won’t kiss every woman who makes you feel sexy and exciting? What if we were to get married and in twenty years we drift apart a little? Not give one another enough attention? Does that give you permission to kiss a girl who does?”

  “No!” He shook his head. Grabbing her hands. “No. I realized that night after you left that I’d ruined things. But I was also so damn mad at you for kissing Jase. Of all people. It fucking gutted me.”

  She couldn’t deny that. He was right. And that was her fault.

  The kitchen door opened with a whoosh of cold air and they both jerked over to see her father walk in, eyes wide. “Merry Christmas, Becca. Brian.” Her father stepped over and put a hand out to Brian, who took it, giving it a firm shake.

  “Merry Christmas, Tim. I hope you don’t mind me just showing up.”

  “Of course not. You know you’re always welcome here.”

  The door opened again, and Hannah stepped in tentatively. She held the door open; Jase stepped in behind her. His eyes locking on Becca instantly.

  “Everybody doing okay?” Tim asked, hanging his hat on a hook then stepping over to the coffee Hannah had obviously made earlier.

  Becca felt Brian snake an arm around her waist. Her eyes jerked to Jase, who hadn’t missed the action. His own gaze narrowed and flickered to hers.

  “Everybody’s good, Daddy,” Hannah said, giving Becca a tentative smile.

  “Good. Where’s Jonas?” Tim asked.

  “He’s watching television in the living room. I’ll go check on him.” Hannah scurried off, leaving Becca alone with her father, her ex, and the man she’d just slept with, who had just stuffed his hands in his pockets, staring at her.

  He cleared his throat and then spoke in a deep scruffy voice. “Becca, can we talk outside a minute?”

  “I don’t think so,” Brian said, shocking them all. Becca saw her father jerk around from filling his mug at Brian’s tone.

  “I didn’t ask you,” he practically growled. “I asked Becca.”

  “I thought Hannah said everybody was okay.” Her father stepped closer, somewhat between the two men. Becca pulled away from Brian and stood closer to her dad. Not because she was afraid, but it felt more neutral.

  “Everybody is fine, Dad.”

  “Doesn’t appear that’s true, Becca. What’s going on?”

  The last thing she wanted to do was explain the details to her father, so she stepped toward the door and glanced over her shoulder. “Brian, please. I’ll be back.”

  Walking outside, she felt a large fuming male hot on her heels. The minute they made their way down to the row of parked vehicles, she turned. And he didn’t hesitate.

  “So this is happening? You’re shutting me out for him?”

  “What do you mean? I said no such thing.”

  “You didn’t have to, Becca, because you didn’t say the opposite. You didn’t tell him to leave. That you’d just spent the night with me. Let me . . . goddamn, what I did to you.” He stepped closer, almost grabbing her, but he didn’t. “What we did was good. Really fucking good. And you know we weren’t done with one another.”

  Her heart had been pounding at his words, until that last line. That had her heart sinking. “I know. But we would be, eventually.”

  His eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

  “We’d be done with one another.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m just so confused right now. Forget I said anything.”

  He sighed, then shook his head lightly. “Neither of us knows what the future holds, Beck. Can I promise you that this thing will turn into forever? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it to see what this is between us. Because it is something.”

  “I agree, but . . . I also have a man inside that I was with for two years, telling me he loves me.”

  He ran a hand down his face. “So, what are you saying? Don’t do him any favors. No man wants to be chosen out of pity.”

  “Of course not, but . . . I just need some time. This happened so fast. He and I were both unfaithful. Part of me feels like I owe it to him to slow down and think things through.”

  He stared at her for a long moment. Finally, he lifted his arms to his sides and began backing up toward his truck. “You do that. But I’ll tell you the other thing no man wants to be, and that’s a woman’s backup choice. But I’m glad we cleared the past up and can be friends now.” He turned hard and began walking around the front of the truck.

  “Jase, wait. Please don’t go like this. It’s Christmas.”

  He got to the door of his truck looked at her over the hood. “Merry Christmas, Rebecca. I hope you get exactly what you wished for.”

  She bit down on her bottom lip as she watched him climb into his truck, back out, and drive away.

  TWELVE

  Eight weeks later

  Jase pulled up to the curb in front of Tyler’s house to find him out front shooting hoops with his girlfriend Lia’s younger brother, Caleb.

  “Isn’t February a little cold for basketball, you fools?”

  Tyler answered by snapping the ball in Jase’s direction. He instinctively dropped his overnight bag and caught it before it bounced away. “Dick.” He reached up, shot, and missed.

  The other guys laughed.

  “Screw you guys. It’s cold out here. Aiden have dinner ready?” Jase asked, walking toward the front door.

  “Yep. He and Lia are making stuffed pork chops, mashed potatoes, and roasted brussels sprouts,” Caleb replied.

  Jase grimaced. “I was all about that meal until you said brussels sprouts.”

  “Don’t knock it,” Tyler said. “They’re coated in bacon fat.”

  Jase shrugged. “Always up to try something new.”

&n
bsp; He headed inside. This was their tradition: Once a month when they had their weekend Guard duty, he, Tyler, Aiden, and Reeve would meet up at someone’s house, Aiden would cook since he was amazing at it, and then the next morning they’d head to Fort Riley until Sunday. In January they hadn’t been able to meet up like this since Aiden’s grandmother had been sick and Jase had been busy keeping an eye on his cow that was about to calve. It had been a while since he’d seen all of his friends and he was excited to catch up with everybody.

  These guys were a major reason he stayed in the Guard. Sure he enjoyed serving his country and community—and of course the benefits were nice—but he also loved maintaining this connection to his friends and the feeling of brotherhood that came with the military. For an only kid, it was especially nice.

  They didn’t all come from the army like he did. Reeve had been a marine, something he didn’t let any of them forget. But they all respected the fact they’d served and knew the importance of that bond. The Guard gave them all a feeling of duty and service that they hadn’t been ready to let go of after leaving active duty.

  Stashing his bag in a spare bedroom, Jase headed to the kitchen where he heard Aiden and Lia laughing. He smiled, realizing how infrequently he heard Aiden laugh. The guy was quiet. To a fault. But such a damn good guy. After hearing that his friend had been crushing on Hannah for a while, Jase hated that he was going to have to tell him she was engaged.

  Not that it changed things for him—he still wasn’t ever going to get a chance with her. Still, considering he was pretty sure Aiden had kept his distance because of his loyalty to him, this might sting.

  The kitchen was full of amazing scents. Jase gave Lia a sideways hug as she stood at the stove.

  “How are you?” she asked, smiling. Tyler was lucky to have found such a sweet woman to love.

  “I’m good. Excited to eat whatever that is you’re whipping up.”

  “No-bake cookies. Caleb’s favorite.”

  “The kind with the oatmeal?” he asked, pretty sure he recalled his own mother making them. She nodded, and Jase felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw the name: HANNAH.

  Strange. He hadn’t heard from her in a while. Several weeks, and even that had been brief. She was back to work at the elementary school so she was never up visiting her dad in Pierson. Not as often, anyway. And the truth was, he hadn’t wanted to see her. Just being at the Walters place every morning working was hard enough after what had gone down on Christmas. He’d replayed that morning—and that night before—over and over in his mind.

  He answered the call, receiving a pat on the back from Aiden as he answered. “Hey, Hannah.”

  As soon as he stopped talking he heard her crying.

  “Han, what is it?” he said, his body freezing. Aiden jerked around, concern etched all over his face. Oh yeah, he had it bad.

  “Where are you?” she said, sucking in a breath.

  “I’m at Tyler’s. Hannah, what happened? Have you been in an accident?”

  “No. No. I’m fine.” She shuddered, paused. “I just broke up with Jonas.”

  Jase felt his stress evaporate, his body relax. He gave Aiden a quick everything’s-okay shake of his hand. “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

  “Is it stupid to say . . . I just felt like he wasn’t the right man?”

  Jase chuckled. “No, that’s not stupid at all, hon. You definitely want to marry the right man.”

  “Invite her over,” Lia whispered over his shoulder. “There’s plenty of food.”

  “Hannah, Lia said you should just come over here. How about that?”

  “Oh, okay. Tell her thank you. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  Jase verified she knew where Tyler and Lia lived, and then ended the call.

  “What the hell’s going on?” Aiden asked, hands on his hips. Aiden was a big guy. Goatee, shaved head, enough muscles for three men. He was a sniper in the military, a man of few words, and would find a way to move mountains for someone he cared about. Basically, the kind of guy you like having in your corner. It occurred to Jase right then and there: Hannah could use an Aiden in her life.

  “Hannah just broke up with Jonas. And by broke up, I mean she broke an engagement.”

  Aiden’s eyes turned to circles. “Engaged? What the hell? Were you okay with that?” the guy asked.

  “Hannah didn’t belong to me, Aiden,” Jase said, looking straight at his buddy. “She’s heading over here. I’m betting she’ll need some cheering up. You’re good at that, aren’t you?”

  When Aiden gave him a severe eyebrow raise, Jase gave him a slap on the arm, chuckled, and headed into the living room to wait for her. Now he just needed to be in a Walters woman’s presence without thinking about Becca.

  * * *

  Becca stuffed her planner into her bag, grabbed her purse, and turned out the light in her classroom before pulling the door closed. She’d just finished her final parent–teacher meeting, which could have gone a little better. But it was now Friday evening. She was off through Monday since it was President’s Day, and a snowstorm was headed their way so she planned to run by the store to grab all the battening-down-the-hatches essentials, which included junk food, several bottles of rosé, and the ingredients to make her mother’s famous mac and cheese. It would last her days, and the thought of pajamas, comfort food, and wine made her feel a little giddy.

  She’d been doing a lot of chilling alone lately, now that she’d been single for a while. And surprisingly, she’d been enjoying herself. Reading self-help books about finding your inner strength, girl power, and connecting with the universe had her feeling a sense of peace. She felt strong, connected to her body in a new way, and although she’d been cherishing her newfound freedom, she’d made a few new friends at work. In fact, for Valentine’s Day, they’d all gone out and treated themselves to the most amazing steak dinner she’d ever had. After they’d all gotten their own chocolate dessert—no sharing allowed—they’d driven to a department store and all purchased themselves something nice just for fun. Becca had chosen a pair of jeans. An odd choice for her, but they’d made her feel hot, and made her butt look good. They’d better, she figured, considering they’d cost over a hundred bucks. A fortune on a teacher’s salary.

  “Have a good weekend, Carrie,” Becca called into her friend’s classroom.

  “You too,” she said. “Any plans?”

  “With my sofa, my Kindle, and a bottle of wine.”

  Carrie laughed. “We’re living parallel lives. Be safe this weekend.”

  They waved to each other and Becca headed through the hall of Baldwin Private School toward the exit, with a smile on her face. Finally, she felt like her life was on the right path. Breaking things off with Brian—for good—had been the right thing to do. He’d come back to her on Christmas Day because he’d been lonely. Felt jealous. They were at that age where people started to feel like settling down was the thing to do, even if the person beside you probably wasn’t the right one.

  It wasn’t that they hadn’t loved each other; they certainly had. But they’d had a long talk a few days after Christmas about how some types of love weren’t enough to build an entire life on. Theirs maybe wasn’t that type of love, and the fact that she’d felt at peace with their decision to break up for good supported that theory.

  And if that one amazing night with Jase had taught her anything, it was that there were other options out there for her. She didn’t have to settle, and she didn’t want a man settling on her. She wanted passion. Fierce love. The kind that made you crazy. And while a part of her desperately wished she could have had that with Jase, she feared that with him she’d be reliving the past in some weird way.

  As she walked through the parking lot toward her car, her phone rang. She awkwardly reached down into her bag and pulled it out. Hannah.

  Immediately she considered not answering it. The two of them had barely spoken since Christmas Day, when she’d
headed home early after a tense breakfast and gift-opening session. She’d only spoken to her father once, which made her feel kind of like a jerk, but she’d needed some distance. From her sister and her engagement, her dad and his new relationship, and obviously Jase.

  With a sigh, she accepted the call. “Hey, sis,” she said, unlocking her car.

  “Hi! How are you?” Hannah said, sounding a little overly cheery.

  “Well, I just got off work, and I’m about to head to the grocery store to stock up for the weekend.”

  “Oh yeah?” Hannah hesitated, and Becca could hear voices—male and female—in the background.

  “Where are you, Hannah? Is everything okay?”

  The voices became faint, as if her sister was moving to another room. Then Becca heard the sniffle.

  “Hannah, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

  “I broke up with Jonas today,” she said through her tears.

  It was selfish, but Becca’s first thought was, She still wants Jase. But she pushed that aside, knowing it wasn’t fair. Unlocking her car, she got inside. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. What happened?”

  “I just finally realized he wasn’t the one. He’s a selfish dickhead. I knew it, I just . . .” Hannah sucked in a deep breath, blowing out into the phone. “I don’t know what I wanted. Something. But I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t pretend.”

  “I understand. Truly. I think I felt the same way about Brian. We haven’t talked since around New Year’s, when we exchanged things that had been at each other’s place.”

  “Do you miss him?”

  “Sometimes I miss having a man around. I mean . . . obviously they have their uses.” The two of them laughed. “But honestly? No. I don’t. It’s good for me to get to know myself on a deep level. That sounds a little corny I know.”

  “No, actually it sounds really good. Like . . . I think that’s what I need to do.”

  “Maybe so. I have some books I could recommend.”

  There was a bit of silence before Hannah spoke again. “Do you still love Jase?”

  Becca paused, staring out her windshield. The sky was a light gray, the wind whistling as a gust came through. “I think I’ll always love Jase. I have for so long.”