Desolate

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “Do you have class now?” I asked, hoping he’d get the hint and leave me here to get lost in the song.

  “Not at the moment,” he replied as he pulled out his phone from his pocket. After he checked the time he responded, “I’ve got an hour before I have to be there actually. What are you doing here? Are you practicing?”

  “I was going to try and get in some practicing on the actual piano before class today when we start rehearsing. I’ve yet to practice it on the piano, only the keyboard,” I replied while I fidgeted with my fingers.

  “Can I watch you play? It’s truly an amazing site to see. You won’t even know I’m here,” he promised as he put up his fingers to indicate the Scouts Honor.

  “As long as you promise not to interrupt, I don’t see a problem. I don’t need any distractions. I have to perfect this before Friday,” I explained and then set off to walk on stage without waiting for his response. Hopefully he’d be gone when I finished.

  I walked up the stairs focused on one thing. Getting behind the piano and getting lost in it for the next hour before class began. After I sat down and got the bench seated where I’d be most comfortable, I pushed on a few keys to test out the notes. I shut my eyes the way I usually did when I performed. My instructor hated it, but it was the only way I’d become one with the song. Friday would prove difficult when I’d have to face the audience with my eyes fully opened. Stage fright wasn’t the problem. It was just a different way than I was used to performing.

  I positioned my hands perfectly where they needed to be to start the song and set out to play my heart out. I decided I’d get comfortable and play the song through, then I’d sing with it the second time. I needed to save my voice some, but warming up wouldn’t hurt anything. I could instantly tell the difference in the sound and the feel of the keys, but it was home. Behind this piano was where I belonged. Where I’d always felt most comfortable.

  I’d just finished up the first round and was about to start the second when the door slammed shut, breaking my concentration. I looked to the up at the door to see who’d come in and hoped that no one would stop me from practicing. To my surprise it was Mckayla. She bounced down the walkway with her instrument in her hand and was up the stairs before I could even blink.

  “I just knew you’d be in here, and I couldn’t wait until this afternoon to practice. I’m so happy I was right. Now let rock this shit,” Makayla, my classmate performing alone with me, stated in the all too chipper tone that I always associated with her. That was her, though. Too damn happy for her own damn good.

  “Perfect,” I stated through a fake smile but knew that we could use this extra time to get our performance just right.

  I sat back down on the bench and waited for her to get out her violin. She was amazing with that instrument, and she’d go far if she stuck with it. We’d yet to discuss how we were going to do this, but when she hopped up on the grand piano and laid down, I knew she’d read my mind on what I thought would make this performance even more emotional.

  I began to play just after the first strum on her violin, and just like that I was lost in the sounds coming from both instruments. They really complimented each other perfectly with this song. I had no clue how’d she’d play and sing in that position, but we’d get it right eventually.

  Upon the completion of the first verse, I knew that we’d chosen the perfect song to compliment both of us. We’d already performed the songs we’d written at the fall festival, and I loved that the instructor wanted us to perform a piece that we loved instead of another piece we’d written.

  By the third verse, I was emotionally drained and it took every ounce of strength I had to get through the last words of the chorus without crying. I didn’t want to cry anymore. Crying made my head hurt and the ache from this morning had just started to dissipate but threatened to return. But I played on, never wavering until the very end when I hit one wrong note. Other than that our first official performance in here was flawless.

  “Oh my God, Maggie. We were amazing,” she stated as she sat up then jumped off of the piano. She was right. It was an amazing performance. Too bad my mom and dad would never get to see it.

  “We should record it so we can play it back to ourselves later,” I suggested. It would help me in the long run, plus I wanted this for my memory bank from college. A stupid idea that my mom had me do since I started three years ago.

  “Yes we should and you can send me the file or vice versa that way we both have a copy,” she shrieked, a little too excited from the high of our performance.

  I looked down at Andrew and he was seated in the front row, that damn smile still gracing his lips. No one should be allowed to be that happy all of the time. It wasn’t healthy.

  “You don’t have to stay. We’re just going to play it through one more time, then we’ve gotta head out before the class comes in here,” I suggested. I didn’t want him here in case I broke down again. For some reason, I didn’t want these two to think I was a basket case. Even though Mckayla would understand, I hated ever showing that much emotion in front of anyone.

  “I can stay. I love hearing you guys together. Separately you’re still amazing, but together you blow it out of the water.”

  Just great. Hopefully, I’d be able to rein in the emotions this song evoked from me just a little longer.

  I went down and dug my phone out of the backpack and handed it to Andrew, telling him to press play when I gave him the signal.

  I rushed back up the stairs to the stage in an attempt to get this over as quickly as possible.

  For the third time in a matter of minutes, I was getting lost in a song that meant too much to me. One that would be forever ingrained in my soul. The lyrics and the chords instantly pulled me in yet again, and I shut my eyes to drown out everything else in the room except for the music.

  On the very last chorus, I poured all of the emotion that I had bottled up inside and finished the song stronger than I’d ever done before. As I played the last note, I remained still and took a few deep breaths before I sat up from the bench and shut the lid of the piano. I turned to face the empty auditorium and noticed that it wasn’t so empty anymore. A few people had come in and were clapping and shouting from the back of the room. My face instantly turned red at their encouragement. I peered over at Mckayla and her hand was over her mouth just as shocked as I was. We were going to rock this performance. People were already loving it from just the few that had witnessed it. I couldn’t wait until Friday. Tonight we wouldn’t sing, but Friday we’d blow down this house.

  I walked down the stairs to grab my bag and get the hell out of dodge. The thirty minutes I had until my next class would be used to compose myself from all of the emotion in that room. There was so much it felt suffocating. I rarely ever showed emotion, but these past few days have tested every ounce of it that I had within me.

  I brushed past Andrew hoping that he’d take the hint that I needed to get out of here and leave me be. I didn’t have the strength to be nice right now. I had one goal in mind and that was leaving the room before I lost my shit.

  After I jerked my bag up off of the floor, I darted up the aisle, needing to leave. I heard him calling after me but I just couldn’t. His sweetness didn’t need to be tainted by my doom and gloom attitude. He seemed like a nice person, but I couldn’t handle it. In that moment I needed to be alone. I’d have to get used to it sooner or later anyways. There’d be no one around when summer rolled around.

  I was almost running as I went through the next set of doors and exited the concert hall. I hated being rude, but Mckayla knew how my moods fluctuated and she was the only one that mattered. In another time, I would’ve cared about Andrew, but right now I only had the energy to care about me.

  “Hey!” I heard him shout for the umpteenth time, and I decided to stop when I was midway between my building and the concert hall and turn around.

  “I can’t right now, Andrew. I need to be alone,” I gritted through
my teeth a little harsher than I’d ever spoken to anyone. This wasn’t who I was, but he needed to get the hint eventually.

  “Two things and I’ll let you be on your way. One, great performance. I had chills all three times. Two, here’s your phone,” he stated as he held out my phone. God, Magdalena, you’re such a bitch.

  With shaky hands, I reached out and took the device from him. Feeling like the biggest idiot of all time.

  “I’m sorry. I couldn’t think about anything else other than getting out of there. It’s a long story and one I just can’t talk about right now. Thank you for recording the song, but I’ve got to head to class,” I whispered, unable to even look him in the eyes. My head hung down the entire time out of embarrassment. He’d been nothing but nice to me and I was being hateful.

  “No need to apologize. What time is the concert on Friday? I’d love to go,” he asked, which furthermore showed how thoughtful he actually was. I’d been rude and mean, and here he was still wanting to see the main performance.

  “It’s at seven,” I whispered as I toyed with the phone in my hands.

  “See ya then, Magdalena,” he replied as he turned and walked in the opposite direction that I was headed toward.

  As I brought myself out of the memory, my heart hurt, but what I was more shocked about was that I’d gone through it without crying. Maybe thinking about some of the less painful memories and the happy times was the way to go in order to ease myself back into integrating them back into my life. While they weren’t physically here to allow that, it would make it easier for me to actually place pictures of them around the house instead of locking them away for fear of how I’d react without seeing them.

  I stood from the chair and moved over to stand in front of the keyboard. Gently, I lifted it out of the case and moved the case to the side. I sat it back down, letting my fingers slowly move down the keys. With just one small touch, I could easily remember how it felt to caress the white and black keys and produce the beautiful chords for any song that I’d learned to play.

  Without even thinking, I played the song that me and Andrew loved so much. The one from one of the first memories that I’d ever experienced with the man that had ingrained himself so deeply into my soul.

  Shockingly, my brain and fingers remembered each note to play. Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen was Andrew and my mom’s favorite song. Instead of thinking of all the sorrow that I’d associated with this song, losing both of them being the main memory, I decided to think of the happiness that two of the people I loved had gotten from watching me play. Replacing the sad memories with those that made me happy. With each note that I continued to play a part of my soul mended somehow. While there were tears streaming down my face the more I played, a part of me had began to heal as the music belted out from the keys. Something as simple as playing a song made me feel somewhat whole again. Alive so to speak. While I’d never forget them, I could tell as I finished up the song that I’d be able to do at least one thing I loved to do again.

  And I’d do it without fear.

  Without reason.

  Just because I finally wanted to live and not merely exist.

  Chapter 21

  Instead of rushing the list, I decided to save the last suggestion for another day. I didn’t think my heart could take speaking out to thin air. Unless it was to scream at nothing. Something that I’d do on a daily basis before I moved out here.

  Instead of cleaning today, I decided to have a lazy day. I fed and walked Shadow early this morning so that I could lay around. Plus, it was freezing outside and I knew that it’d only get worse as the day moved on. The couch had become my best friend. I’d made myself comfortable after I brought all of the necessitates into the den. I’d watched movie after movie, sticking with comedy or action. I hadn’t wanted to push it with anything that was potentially sappy or romance related. As the third movie neared to an end, I heard a soft knock on the back door. I spoke with Clyde this morning and learned that the fence and other minor repairs would be done in a couple more days. And that meant that Weston wouldn’t need to come around anymore.

  Reluctantly, I sat up and placed the half eaten bowl of popcorn on the table and walked to the door. I peered through the curtain to see a bundled up Weston on the other side. I could’ve had fun with it and made him wait longer, but I knew it was cold outside and didn’t want to be too cruel. I pulled the door open, making sure that I stood behind it to combat the wind that would surely come inside and prayed that he took the hint to enter my house. Once I heard him wiping off his feet on the mat, I waited for him to walk inside before slamming the door shut.

  “You look comfortable,” he replied as he took in my lazy day attire.

  “I am. I decided that the house could wait and that I’d have a movie day,” I replied as I stood there bouncing from foot to foot.

  He walked over to the table and I followed, instantly wondering if he’d ask questions about what still remained there.

  “You play?” he asked as he looked down at the keyboard.

  “I used to play. I hadn’t played since before Andrew and Liam passed away. That is until I decided to take someone’s advice and do something I never thought I’d do again,” I confessed, might as well get it over and done with. He’d ask questions anyways.

  “I knew you said music was an important part of your life, but I never would’ve guessed that you played. Are you any good?”

  “Maybe one day you’ll find out.” I wasn’t ready to have an audience just yet.

  “Are you and Clyde done for the day? Is it really that late already?” I asked, looking around and noticing that the room wasn’t as bright as it usually was for being early in the day.

  “It’s almost five thirty. I wanted to ask you something before I left. And you can totally decline if you’re not feeling up to it.”

  “Okay…” I replied, waiting for him to reveal the mysterious question.

  “My mom is cooking her amazing chicken tortilla soup tonight, and I wanted to know if you’d like to come over for dinner? You know get out more like Clyde has been bugging you to do.”

  “So now you’re going to use Clyde’s words against me, huh?” I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest. Hoping like hell I appeared to be pissed off when all I really wanted to do was laugh.

  “Not against you per say. Just reminding you what he said he wanted.” He was so full of himself it wasn’t funny.

  “On one condition,” I replied, hoping to gain the upper hand.

  “What’s that?”

  “You hold up your end of the deal and start trying to trust someone of the opposite sex again,” I replied, knowing that I had him with my suggestion.

  “See, you think you’ve won over there, but I’ve already started with that one,” he replied with a sly grin.

  “And how’s that?” I asked, shocked that he was trying to win.

  “I started the moment I trusted you enough to confide in you,” he confessed, shocking me even more. I hadn’t realized that he would use me as the example. I thought he’d start with someone he hadn’t met or didn’t know that well. Fine. He could have it his way. He had me there.

  “Good one, Mr. Corbin.”

  “Now get some shoes on so we can chow down,” he demanded with a laugh.

  “Do you seriously think I’m meeting your family in these sweats?” He was crazy if he really thought that.

  “What’s wrong with what you’ve got on? My family is as laid back as they come.”

  “While that may be, I’m not meeting them for the first time looking like a bum. Give me five minutes to change and I’ll be ready to go.”

  “I’d love to see that. No woman I’ve ever met can get ready that fast with such short notice,” he replied as I was walking away.

  “I’m about to prove you wrong,” I laughed as I ran to the other end of the hall to my room.

  Four and a half minutes later I returned completely dressed and ready to go. Shoes, makeup and
all. Granted I only had on mascara and lip gloss, leggings, an oversized sweater, and my boots, but still. I looked presentable and cute enough to meet his parents.

  “Holy shit. One of you does exist. Be still my heart.”

  As we walked out the back door, I smacked him upside the head for good measure. How dare he doubt me and my mad skills? Who was I kidding? I just wanted to prove him wrong. Any other time it would’ve taken me thirty minutes’ minimum to get ready on short notice.

  The drive over to his parents’ house went by quickly. Before I knew it, he’d shut off the engine and was running around to my side of the truck. He opened my door and held his hand out to help me get out of the truck.

  “Such a gentleman,” I joked as I took his hand and hopped down.

  “Yeah, there’s that and then there’s the fact that my momma is watching through the window,” he joked as we walked toward the front of his parents’ house. It was a beautiful ranchestyle house with a lovely wrap around porch. A porch swing and rocking chairs were scattered across the front of the porch, giving the home that immediate country feels.

  His mother opened the door waving her hands for us to quickly enter the space.

  “Hurry in here. It’s freezing outside,” she stated as we walked through the door.

  Weston let out a laugh at his mother’s insistence and kissed her on the cheek once she’d shut the door behind us. You could instantly feel the love between the two just watching them together. The smile that appeared on her face as his lips left her cheek made me miss my mother even more.

  “Momma, this is Magdalena, the woman I told you about that I’d been doing some side work for,” he explained as he introduced me.

  “Hello, Mrs. Corbin. Thanks for having me tonight. You have a beautiful home,” I stated as I held out my hand for her to shake it.

  “Oh hush it, honey, with all that formality. The name is Doris. You can call me that or Momma. All of the kids around here do. And put that hand down. We don’t shake hands around here. We give out hugs.” She beamed as she smacked my hand away and pulled me in for a hug. After the shock of her words left, I lightly hugged her back.