Desolate

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “You don’t scare me,” he laughed as he tightened the muscles in his arm, trying to show how big and bad he was. Only I knew better. I’d witnessed the softer side of him and knew just how much of a big heart he had.

  “What’s with all the cookies?” He reached out to take one, only I swatted his hand within inches of him obtaining his goal.

  “You can’t have any because you were mean to me.”

  “Oh, come on. You’ve got to admit it was funny. Pretty please?” he questioned as he poked his lip out.

  “You know a toddler does that better than you. Plus, they’re also cuter when they do it, too.” I picked up one of the cooled cookies and took a bite, moaning as the chocolaty goodness melted against my tongue.

  “That’s so not fair,” he shouted as he made a second attempt to reach for a cookie, this time I allowed him to succeed.

  “God, woman. These are delicious.’

  “I’m glad you approve. Now do you think you’ll be able to save some and give them to Grace and your parents’ when you get home?” I asked as I put my hand on my hip.

  “That’ll be a hardship. They’re almost too good to share,” he replied as he licked the chocolate from his finger.

  “Mr. Corbin, you better give them some of these cookies.”

  “What brought all of this on anyways? First we get breakfast and now these amazing cookies. Not that I’m complaining or anything.”

  “I finished the list today. I figured I needed to give you a good send off, so to speak, so I put on my big girl panties and had the first conversation with them since the day they died,” I confessed as I wrung my hands together.

  “And how did that make you feel?” he asked as he leaned his hip into the counter beside him.

  “I don’t really know. It was very hard to get the words out and I rambled some, but I couldn’t stop once I started. All of that bottled up emotion just flowed from my mouth the second I started talking. I didn’t really talk about the day to day things. Just some fears that I still had and how much I missed them. I almost felt stupid talking and blowing kisses into thin air, but I feel lighter since I’ve done it. Hence the reason the cookies have been made. It was one of the things that we loved to do as a family, and I wanted to honor them by doing yet another task I thought I’d never do again,” I confessed as the tears welled up in my eyes.

  “That’s a start. You’re showing how much of a fighter you are. You’re telling that fortune teller that you’re the winner here and not her, because you’re willing to fight until you can’t anymore. That you’re willing to live and not let something that she said control your life anymore. And that right there is all I wanted since I seen you at the bar. To take the sadness away and bring some light back into your eyes,” he replied as he walked closer to me.

  With his confession of how he saw me, the tears broke free and I let them. Not caring if he saw me breakdown or not. Only these tears were much needed. I was breaking free from it all. Letting go of all the years of constant fear that I’d allowed myself to live in. I vowed with each tear that fell that with each passing day I’d grow stronger. Live a little more than the day before. Only I had to let all of this emotion out to do so.

  I shooed Weston away because there was no way I could speak. The tears continued to flow as I filled the container with cookies for him to take home to his family. A little parting gift, if you will. I had every intention of making him stick to his promise to me as well, but I’d just have to hope that he’d find what he was looking for some day.

  With the cookies in the sealed container, I walked to the door and after a few steps he reluctantly followed. I turned the handle of the door and pulled it open, stepping back so that he could go through it.

  “Are you going to be okay here alone?” Concern laced throughout the tone of his voice.

  I couldn’t physically answer, so all I did was nod as I looked into his eyes.

  He took the few steps over to me and pulled me into a hug, lingering a little longer than I wanted him to. His comfort only brought forth more emotions.

  “Just because I’m finished here doesn’t mean this is goodbye. We’ve become friends, and I’d like to keep it that way. I made sure I wrote down my number and it’s in a place I’m sure you’ll find it eventually. I’m so proud of you for completing that list. Living isn’t as hard as it seems when you have the motivation to do it. Apparently all you needed was a little challenge to get you there. And as for my promise to you, I fully intend to keep it. You’ve shown me that faith and courage go a long way, and I hope I can find a woman half as amazing as you are. Even if you can’t see how awesome you truly are or how strong you are, I’ve seen it all along. And it’s that strength that helped me gain the trust in a new friend and be hopeful for what’s to come. It’s not goodbye. It’s I’ll see you soon,” he whispered into my ear, kissing the side of my head before he pulled away. With one final glance, he walked out of the door, leaving me all alone to process his words and handle the steady stream of tears that showed no sign of letting up soon.

  His final words hit me just as I turned around to walk away and I stumbled over to the wall, sliding down it until I was sitting on the floor. Bringing my knees to my chest, I rested my head on my knees and let out the sob that I’d held in since the tears began. Those were the final words I’d spoken to Andrew before I walked away from his casket. His whole speech played on repeat in my mind while I continued to cry. I cried for everything I’d lost, but most importantly I cried for everything I’d gained. Finally, after all of these years, a complete stranger helped me open my eyes to the possibility of ending the fear that consumed me since I was fourteen. Tiredness washed over me as I let out all of the emotion that had been bottled up for so long. Since before I’d even met Andrew. Instead of moving, I got comfortable and closed my eyes. The last thought that crossed my mind before sleep claimed was that from here on out I wouldn’t allow those seven words to haunt me or control my life. I’d move forward with a seven-word sentence of my own: I choose to live not merely exist.

  Chapter 23

  “Magdalena,” a voice off in the distance whispered.

  I could feel a warm hand caressing my cheek, but I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to lay here and just continue to sleep the night away.

  “Come on, sweetheart. I know that can’t be comfortable for you. You’re going to regret it come morning when you can’t move your neck,” the voice stated, one that I was all too familiar with. Recognition dawned on me, my eyes immediately opened on their own accord, only all I could see was variations of white and black, no objects or people. The head rush calmed and little by little I could make out my surroundings as well as the person who knelt down beside me as I continued to blink my eyes.

  I didn’t know what to think. I still had to be dreaming. There was no way this could be real. He wasn’t supposed to be here.

  “Look at me, Mags. I need you to focus and look at me. You’re starting to worry the shit out of me. I’ve been trying to wake you for a while now,” the voice stated in a harsher tone.

  I moved my head over to the side he was kneeling by, my breaths quickening when he touched the side of my face again. His hand felt so warm, so realistic, but I knew I still had to be dreaming.

  “Andrew. You’re not real,” I whispered as I continued to rapidly blink my eyes, lifting my hand up to touch his cheek in the process of taking the scene in before me. The grittiness causing each blink to hurt more than the last. They were completely dry, and I needed something to help me be able to blink or see.

  “What do you mean, sweetheart? I’m standing right beside you. See?” He tried to convince me as he squeezed my leg. Only I knew better. This was my way of finally saying goodbye to him. Or it was some sick nightmare because I’d finally accepted my life for what it was and wanted to live it anyways.

  “You left me. You both did. I remember everything,” I tried to explain, but the words were jumbled up in my head as I moved
my hand back down into my lap.

  “We went to the store for ice cream. Remember. I know that it took way longer than expected, but that’s a really long story. Come on, Mags. Let’s get you up to bed, and I’ll explain everything to you in the morning,” he suggested as he stood and offered his hand out to mine.

  I didn’t want to fall for this dream, but it was so hard not to. My husband, the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was standing right in front of me, just like I begged to come true all these months. Only it didn’t make any sense. None whatsoever.

  “Nothing makes sense right now, Andrew. You don’t understand. You and Liam…” my voice trailed off because speaking the words seemed almost like I was jinxing our future. If this was real, I didn’t want to speak of what I saw. I didn’t want to remember any of the beginning of that dream. The ending, maybe, but only because I learned how to move past that damn sentence. Something Andrew would’ve been proud of. Apparently now the correct phrase was would be.

  “I know, sweetheart, but it’s super late. Liam was full of himself until he finally passed out in the car and he exhausted me to no end. Let’s crawl in that comfortable bed and go to sleep,” he pleaded, leaning down to grasp my hand and pull me to my feet.

  When I was upright, I stared into the eyes that I wholeheartedly believed I’d never see again. I didn’t even know if I could explain this to him in a way it would make sense to him. In a way that wouldn’t make me seem completely and utterly insane. There was one thing I was going to do. I was going to talk to someone about this the second I could get an appointment.

  I also needed to see something for myself. Make sure that this wasn’t all just in my head. I turned and walked into the kitchen to look at the clock on the stove. The bright red numbers read ten fifteen. Only that wasn’t enough to convince me. I walked over to where my purse should’ve been on the counter and dug out my cell phone, checking the date that appeared on the front of the screen. And sure as shit, right there in black and white was the date I thought would haunt me the rest of my life. January 10, 2015. Holy shit. There was no way this was right. How in the world could a dream seem that real? Feel as if I was actually living it when it was all in my mind? There had to be an explanation for it all. One I had to find out before I even mentioned this to my husband.

  With my head held high, I turned and walked back into the hall to an awaiting Andrew. Smiling up at him, I grabbed his hand and walked down the hall to our little Liam’s bedroom. I had to see the little boy that was my world. Make sure that this was actually a reality instead of some sick joke my mind conjured up.

  I peered inside the door and there his little body slept in his crib. His favorite blanket half covering him but in his face the way he liked it, his thumb stuck in his mouth as he breathed deeply. Against my better judgment, I walked into the room and over to the crib. Once I stood in front of it, I rested my arms on the side and laid my head down on top of them, just watching his chest rise and fall soothed me. But nothing felt better than the moment I moved my hand and reached down to lay it on top of his chest. The feeling of his little heartbeat hammering underneath brought tears to my eyes. Instantly, all I could see was his pale form laying on that slab in the morgue. My mind didn’t know what was reality and what was a dream at this point. I didn’t know if I wanted this to be real so badly that I was dreaming it, or if everything that I had just experienced was some out of body experience that showed me the future if I continued to live in fear the way I had been. Before I woke him, I kissed the tips of my fingers and touched the side of his cheek. Saying the one thing I thought would never grace my lips again.

  “Sleep tight, my angel. I love you as wide as the ocean and as tall as the mountains. I’ll see you in the morning light,” I whispered, one lone tear falling down my cheek. The happiest tear I’d ever shed as long as this was all real.

  I’d see just how real it was come morning. Would I wake up back at the farm or in the house that we loved so much? That would tell me everything that I needed to know.

  I quietly walked backwards out of the room and shut the door. As I turned around, Andrew was leaning up against wall on the opposite side of the hall. All I could do was stare in shock as my lip began to tremble. I’d begged for this. Wanted this more than anything in the world and here he was. God I really hoped when I woke in the morning that I hadn’t experienced one of the best dreams in my life. There are no words that could express just how much I longed to kiss him one last time. Go to sleep in the arms of the man I loved so dearly just one more time.

  Warily, I walked past him toward the one room I thought I’d never see again, the questions still plaguing my mind as if this was truly real.

  I stripped out of the clothes that I was wearing, shockingly enough they were the same jeans and t-shirt that I wore on that fateful day I thought I’d lost them both. I pulled back the covers and lay down on the bed, covering myself up and moving to lay on my side. Why it felt awkward to lay here in the same bed as my husband didn’t settle well with me, but after everything that had just happened, even if it was all in my head, I thought I had every right to question everything.

  Andrew joined me shortly after, only he didn’t let me lay on my side of the bed for long. He reached over and pulled me over to him in the middle of the bed, his arm wrapped around my waist and his head laid down on my shoulder. Lips I never thought I’d feel again caressed my neck as he took a deep breath.

  “I’m so sorry for scaring you, Mags. I knew you’d be freaking out and there was nothing I could do but hope for the best the longer it took me to get home to you,” he whispered against my neck as he pulled me tighter to his chest. Almost like he feared letting me go as well.

  “You have no idea what I just went through. I don’t even think I can explain it to you without sounding like I need to be put in a psychiatric ward,” I confessed, needing to at least express that much.

  “We got ice cream and Liam of course wanted it right then. So, I decided I’d let him eat it outside. We left as soon as he was done. There was a car pulled over on the side of the road and I stopped to help. Only I realized that my cell phone was still here so I couldn’t call you. The woman had called a service wrecker to help her get towed, but I couldn’t just leave her there stranded. The crazy thing was that her phone had died the second she’d ended the call with the towing company. So there we were waiting with no way to contact anyone. Finally, an hour and a half later the tow truck arrived. I got here as soon as I could, Mags. I swear I did. I know how you react when you can’t reach me or if I’m gone longer than expected, and I can’t express to you how bad I feel that you had to go through that worry while we were gone,” he explained. The tear drops he shed were hitting my shoulder, making me love this man even more than I thought possible. He knew what I’d do, and he was scared as to how I’d react.

  “I’ll try to explain it all tomorrow. You’re definitely going to think I’m crazy when you hear it. But, Andrew, I think I need to go see Dr. Harold and explain it to you both. It’s so crazy that I don’t even know if I believe it myself. I’m going to try and see if I can get an appointment Monday morning first thing. Do you think you can go with me? I’m going to call out of work for a few days until I can sort this all out” I asked, knowing that he’d agree to just about anything that would help me process my fearful thoughts.

  “Anything you want, sweetheart,” he replied as he brought his hand up to my face, pulling it around to meet his gaze.

  He moved his face down and for a moment my heartbeat accelerated the way it had when he first kissed me. His lips graced mine and it almost felt like the first kiss all over again.

  Turning over onto my side without breaking the kiss, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled his head closer to mine, deepening the kiss. His hands roamed up and down my back, comforting me. Healing me. Helping me to see that the real nightmare was the dream that I’d experienced while him and Liam were at the store. Not the one
where I seen their deaths occur.

  Chapter 24

  “MOMMY, MOMMY,” LIAM CALLED OUT, waking me out of my slumber. The most joyous noise I’d ever heard. All day yesterday I held them both so tight, I’m sure it felt suffocating. When I woke up and realized that Andrew was still there, I hopped out of the bed and ran down the hall to Liam’s room, not caring if I woke him up, just needing to hold my baby boy. I gently lifted him from his crib, walked over to the rocking chair, and held him close to my chest and bawled like a baby. There was no greater feeling than having them both back in my arms, which is where they both stayed for the rest of the day.

  I rolled out of the bed and noticed that Andrew was already awake, as usual. How he beat me to hearing Liam, I couldn’t understand, but nothing was stopping me from going to that little boy and his father ever again.

  Hurriedly, I took care of my morning routine. I threw on a t-shirt of Andrews and a robe and went in search of my two favorite guys. Of course, I found them in the kitchen. Their second favorite place to be in the world because it held food.

  I leaned against the entrance to the kitchen and watched as Liam picked up the piece of cereal off his high chair and put it in his mouth, making a moaning noise as he chewed the bite of food. It always made me smile when he did that with each bite he took.

  “Good morning, Mrs. DeLuca,” Andrew called out as he turned around holding a cup of coffee I assumed was mine. The second he said my name, I burst into tears, covering my face with my hands. My emotions were all over the place, and I just wanted to go back to normal. My new normal though. After today, Andrew may think I’m crazy, but I hoped he’d be happy that finally, after all the years we’d been together, I was saying a big screw you to that fortune teller and letting the fear absolve into the nothingness it should’ve been in the first place.

  In an instant he was by my side, pulling me into his arms, rubbing his hands up and down my back to soothe me.