Lost Memories: A Lesbian Romance

by Lydia Rose

  Ryan turned. “Did you think I was lying to you?”

  “Of course not, but I guess I had to see for myself.” They went through the pictures at school and now there were pictures at someone’s pool party. “Whose house was this?” Beth asked.

  Ryan leaned down. “That’s Pat Baker’s house. We spent a lot of warm days in that pool.”

  Beth now saw a picture of her and Ryan together in the corner of the pool. Neither one had been aware that the photo was being taken. The photographer was taking a picture of someone jumping into the pool. Beth looked at the photo closely. It was hard to tell, but it seemed like she was sitting on Ryan’s legs. Their bodies almost touching intimately. She turned to the next page. This one was at a picnic in the park. Beth saw three couples sitting and laughing with each other. “Who are these girls?”

  Ryan leaned the book toward herself and now began to point. “That’s Helen, Mary, Tina, Pat and you recognize us, right?” Ryan asked laughing.

  “Funny,” Beth said as she looked at the next photo. Helen and Tina were holding hands. Pat was lying against Mary. “Are these girls lesbians?”

  “Yes.” Ryan answered softly.

  “Why was I hanging out with lesbian couples? I can understand why you would be hanging out with them, but why me?” Beth turned to Ryan. “Did I know you were gay back then?”

  Ryan closed the photo album. “Yes you knew I was gay and you didn’t have a problem hanging out with these women. They were our good friends.”

  “They were?”

  “Yes. They were all upset after your accident. They visited you in the hospital with me.”

  “They did?”

  “Yes, Beth.”

  “I wish I could remember that.” Beth lifted her leg on the sofa. “What happened that summer?”

  “Nothing. Your family moved to Connecticut and we never saw you again. That is until I saw you here.”

  Beth sat silent for a moment as if she was trying to recapture the moments in the pictures she had just seen, but there was nothing. To her, these people were all strangers.

  Ryan watched as Beth wiped a tear that had escaped. She moved closer to the sad woman and took her hand gently. “It doesn’t matter, Beth. You don’t have to remember that time period. Everything worked out in the end.”

  “Would you mind if I took the photo album home with me?”

  “Not at all, but don’t drive yourself crazy, Beth.” Ryan reached for Beth’s hand again and rubbed her finger over the top of her hand. “Just believe me when I say that you had a great senior year and that’s all that should matter.” Ryan stood up. “How about if I make you a container of food to go? You can have the leftovers for lunch or dinner tomorrow.” She walked toward the kitchen.

  “Thank you, Ryan. Not just for dinner, but for showing me these pictures.”

  Ryan came out of kitchen carrying the container. “I won’t ask you to stay tonight. I can tell this has been very emotional for you.”

  “Thank you for understanding.” Beth put on her jacket and hugged Ryan before she took the container. “The dinner was wonderful. I hope we can do this again.”

  “Anytime, Beth.” Ryan opened the door to the apartment. “Don’t forget the album.

  Beth tucked it close to her body. “Good night, Ryan.”

  “Good night, Beth.”

  ****

  Beth walked into her apartment and put the container in the refrigerator. Then she went into the living room and began going through the photo album again. This time she was able to study the pictures without Ryan looking over her shoulder. Every picture that she and Ryan were in seemed strange to her. She stared closely at each photograph. It looks like we’re in love. No. That can’t be right. Beth looked at the picture of them in the pool. She couldn’t see clear enough. Beth walked over to her desk and returned to the couch with a magnifying glass. Her eyes opened wide as she stared at the picture. She was sitting on Ryan’s legs and her arms were around Beth’s waist. What really scared her was the way she was looking at Ryan and Ryan looking at her. Ryan was in love with me. Beth stood up and began to pace the room. “What is happening to me? This can’t be possible. How could I not remember any of this? Beth argued out loud to an empty room and wondered who she could ask whether it was true or not. She didn’t want to ask Ryan. “No. I can’t ask her.” Then her sister Ann came to mind. She reached for her cellphone.

  “Hey, stranger,” Ann said chuckling into the phone.

  “How are you, Ann?” Beth sister Ann was three years older than her. She was married to an attorney and had a two year old. Ann had the life that Beth had been looking for her entire life.

  “I’m good. The baby has a bad cold that Paul caught. Otherwise, everyone is fine. How about you?”

  “I’m good. Guess who is working at my company?”

  “I have no idea,” Ann said with a laugh.

  “Ryan Allen.” Beth waited for a response.

  “Really?” Ann surprised.

  “Yeah. Her company in New York was bought out by Four Leaf and they offered her a position. Small world, isn’t it?”

  “How do you feel about that?” Ann asked quietly.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Did you remember her?” Ann asked almost in a whisper.

  “No. She told me we were good friends back in New Jersey. I just finished looking at some pictures, but it’s like looking at a stranger instead of myself.”

  “Maybe it’s best if you leave those memories in the past,” Ann said softly.

  “Why, Ann?” Beth knew she knew something.

  “I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Ann paused before asking the question she was dreading asking. “Has Ryan told you anything else?”

  “Like what?” Beth pressed.

  “Nothing, Liz.” Ann was doing her best back pedaling at this point.

  “You know something, don’t you, Ann?” Beth asked.

  “Know what?”

  “Please tell me, Ann.” Beth sighed. “I think I know what you are trying not to tell me.”

  “Did you get your memory back?”

  “No, Ann, but I’ve seen these pictures and it’s so strange.” Beth admitted.

  “Tell me what’s going through your mind and I’ll tell you if you’re right?” Ann asked.

  Beth took a deep breath. “Was I in love with Ryan?”

  The phone went silent and Beth wondered if Ann had hung up.

  “Ann, are you still there?”

  “I’m here, Liz.”

  “Well?” Beth asked again.

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, I was in love with Ryan?” Making sure she had heard correctly.

  “Yes, Liz. You two were in love and having sex all through your senior year until the accident.” Ann took a breath. “You nearly killed Ryan when you forgot her. I think that’s why mom and dad wanted to move. They wanted to get you away from her since you couldn’t remember her anymore and what she meant to you.”

  “Oh, my god, Ann. I thought I figured it out, but hearing you say it. I can’t believe it’s true.”

  “It’s true, Liz.”

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me back then? Why didn’t Ryan tell me?”

  “Mom thought it would be better if we didn’t push you. To let your memory come back on its own.”

  “And then we just moved away.” The tears fell on Beth’s cheeks. “It must have been devastating to Ryan.”

  “She’s not treating you badly, is she?” Ann worried that Ryan might be looking for payback.

  Beth chuckled as she wiped her tears. “No, Ann. Ryan has been nothing, but sweet to me.”

  “Ryan never said anything to you?”

  “No, Ann. Nothing. I guess she figures if I can’t remember, she’s not going to tell me.”

  “It sounds like Ryan has grown to be a wonderful woman, Liz.”

  “She has, Ann. I can’t remember what she was like back then, but she’s kind to me now.”

&nb
sp; “Are you falling for her again?” Ann asked anxious for her sister’s answer.

  “Ann, the thought of falling for a woman has never crossed my mind.” Beth laughed, but remembered a moment in college. “I mean since the accident.”

  “Are you dating anyone?”

  “No.”

  “None of those relationships with men have ever worked out. Maybe you just discovered why, Liz.”

  “I’ve never been attracted to any woman,” Beth said quietly.

  “Well, there was one woman you couldn’t keep your hands off of.” Ann began to laugh and Beth joined in. “I’m glad you can laugh about all this.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “What are you going to do about this new found information?”

  “I don’t know, Ann. I honestly don’t know.”

  “Well, when you figure it out give me a call.”

  “I will, Ann. Thank you for being honest with me.”

  “Anytime, Sis.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Beth had spent the rest of the weekend wondering if Ryan was still in love with her. The necklace that Ryan wore gave her pause because it hung around her neck all these years. The initials on the hearts now made sense. BH, Beth Hale on one and RA for Ryan on the other. It was obvious that she was the one who had given it to her. She was also the woman who broke Ryan’s heart in a million pieces as she had told her. Beth also wondered what the inscription on the back of the necklace said. She knew there had to be one because Ryan wouldn’t let her see it.

  As Beth went about her work week, she avoided not only Ryan, but Rachel. Just the thought of facing Ryan knowing what she had learned was just too much to handle.

  ****

  Ryan knew something was wrong because Beth made no effort to seek her out. She came out of the cafeteria and saw Beth on the bridge. Beth glanced at Ryan as she walked across, but quickly averted her eyes. Yeah, she’s avoiding me.

  “What’s wrong, Ryan?” Rachel asked walking up beside her.

  Ryan turned. “Nothing. Just thinking.” She looked at Rachel. “Are there any good lesbian clubs around here?”

  Rachel grinned. “Are you ready to get on with your life?”

  Ryan shrugged. “I need to have some fun and let loose.”

  “I’ll text you the name and address of a good place.” Rachel moved closer. “Do you want to go together?”

  “How about I meet you there Friday night?”

  Ryan got into a cab Friday night. “If I need a ride home, can I call you?”

  The driver handed Ryan a card. “Just call me,” he said.

  Ryan walked into the club and looked around. Rachel was at the bar and spotted her immediately.

  “Hey, Ryan. What can I get you?”

  “Just a beer,” she said taking the bottle from the bartender. “Is it always this crowded?” Ryan asked looking at the women squeezed into a small area.

  “Most weekends.” Rachel answered. “Drink up so we can dance.”

  Ryan finished her beer and followed Rachel out to the dance floor. They danced to a few fast songs and then someone else asked her to dance. Within a few hours, Ryan was feeling the effects of too much alcohol and too many dances. One woman who danced a slow dance with her led her over to a corner of the bar. She was now kissing Ryan with such passion. The woman’s hands began to explore Ryan’s body, but someone pulled her off Ryan.

  “I think it’s time to take you home,” Rachel said looking at a glassy eyed Ryan.

  “Hey. Maybe she’s not ready to go home,” The woman said trying to reach for Ryan.

  “She’s ready.” Rachel grabbed Ryan’s arm and pulled her out of the corner.

  “Where are we going?” Ryan asked as Rachel led her out to the car.

  “You are going home.”

  “Why? I was having fun.”

  Rachel nodded. “Uh huh.”

  Rachel had to keep her arm around Ryan as she led her to her apartment door. Ryan was fading fast. Rachel led Ryan to her bedroom and sat her on the bed. She removed her shoes and lifted her legs onto the bed. “You are going to have to sleep in your clothes, honey.” Rachel watched as Ryan fell back onto the pillow and fell asleep instantly. She now looked at the necklace around Ryan’s neck. The hearts had flipped and she leaned over to read the inscription. Rachel left her a glass of water by the bed and left the apartment.

  ****

  Monday morning Rachel headed right to Beth’s office. “Hey,” she said from the doorway.

  “Morning, Rachel.” Beth went back to her paperwork ignoring the smirk on Rachel’s face.

  “Guess who I went dancing with this weekend?”

  Beth looked up. “Since you’re standing here asking me, I would assume you’re talking about Ryan,”

  Rachel nodded with a grin. “Boy that girl can dance.”

  “And why are you telling me this?” Beth asked starting to get perturbed.

  “I took her home Friday night,” Rachel said still wearing that smirk.

  “So you’re here to brag that you finally slept with her?” Beth asked wanting Rachel to leave her office.

  Rachel shook her head. “She was too drunk for that. I put her to bed and left.”

  Beth just stared at Rachel. “Okay.”

  “Guess what I saw?”

  “Rachel, I don’t have time for this game.”

  “Okay, okay. Her necklace was flipped over when she laid down on the bed.” Rachel paused for effect. “Don’t you want to know what it said on the other side?”

  “It doesn’t matter what I say because you’re going to tell me anyway.” Her voice no longer hid her irritation.

  “It said, forever yours, love Beth.”

  Beth tried to keep her face from showing any emotion or admitting that she knew at one time she had been Ryan’s lover. “So.”

  “So? You have got to be kidding me. You aren’t shocked that the straight girl that sits before me was a lesbian eight years ago?”

  “Obviously, I wasn’t really gay. A lot of girls experiment, but that’s not who they really are.” Beth insisted.

  Rachel shook her head as a grin appeared. “So you’re trying to tell me that you and Ryan were only experimenting?”

  “Yes,” Beth said softly. What else could she say to Rachel?

  “Well, obviously Ryan wasn’t experimenting. There were a lot of women at the bar that would have gladly taken her home. As a matter of fact, I had to pull one woman off her before she had sex with her on the dance floor.”

  “It’s none of my business, Rachel. I don’t know what kind of reaction you are hoping that I’ll have. If Ryan and I were together at one time, I don’t remember it. I don’t remember being in love with her.”

  “How do you know you were in love with her?” Rachel asked quickly catching Beth off guard.

  “The inscription.” Beth answered quickly.

  “It’s a shame, Liz. I wish she would look at me the way she looks at you. I would give anything to have a woman love me that much.” Rachel was no longer looking for a reaction from Beth, she was being very serious. Almost feeling sorry for Ryan.

  “Ryan doesn’t love me. That was a long time ago.” Beth insisted.

  “Keep telling yourself that.” Rachel stood up and left the office.

  At lunchtime Rachel walked into the cafeteria and saw Ryan sitting with another woman. She walked over to the table. “Hi, Ryan.”

  Ryan looked up. “Hey, Rachel. This is Hanna.”

  “Hey, Hanna,” Rachel said. “I know Hanna.”

  “How are you, Rachel?” Hanna asked.

  “Oh, you know.” Rachel knew she wasn’t going to be invited to sit and said. “Well, you two have a good day.”

  “You too,” Hanna said as Rachel took a coffee and walked away. “She’s interested in you.”

  Ryan looked at Hanna. “I know, except the feeling isn’t mutual.”

  Hanna giggled. “I’ve known Rachel for a long time. She doesn’t give up that
easily.”

  “I figured that out too,” Ryan said quietly. “Let’s get back to work.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  It had been three weeks since Ryan had seen Beth and she found herself running around the lake as if she was being chased. Running always allowed her to clear her mind, but today it wasn’t working. Soaked with sweat she sat down in the grass and leaned back on her elbows staring at the lake.

  “I didn’t know you ran,” A voice said behind her.

  Ryan looked over her shoulder seeing Beth standing next to her. “It helps me think.” She answered.

  “You must have had a lot to think about because I watched you go around that lake like a woman on a mission,” Beth said with a laugh. She took a seat next to Ryan and crossed her legs. Ryan’s tank top was soaked, but what she noticed was the necklace no longer hung around her neck. “So how have you been?”

  “Fine. You know, lots of work.” Ryan felt awkward talking to Beth.

  “Have you been back to the farmer’s market?” Beth asked trying to keep the conversation going.

  “A few times.” Ryan’s short answers kept the quiet between them before she stood up. “It was good to see you again, Beth. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.”

  “You too, Ryan,” Beth said watching her walk away.

  Ryan jogged across the street to her apartment. She had always loved talking to Beth, but when Rachel told her she was dating someone new. Ryan knew that Rachel had told her so she would move on, but the pain was evident in her heart. That was the reason she took off the necklace and stuffed it into her jewelry box. She didn’t need another reminder that Beth was not hers. That she would never be. Now a man would be taking Beth out. That he would be the one to kiss her. To make love to her. For the first time in Ryan’s life, she considered throwing away her career and leaving California.

  ****

  Beth sat in the grass wondering why Ryan had been so cold toward her. She understood that staying away the last three weeks must have sent Ryan a message. A message that they couldn’t even be friends anymore. She pulled out her phone and called Rachel.