Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  Imagine yourself in a relaxing situation.

  As you visualize, hold on to something tactile—a lucky rabbit’s foot or your grandmother’s favorite handkerchief. Hold it again later to restore your sense of calm. If you do not have a soothing object when the panic begins, conjure up safe and peaceful images.

  Practice yoga.

  Find a quiet room and close the door. Dim the lights.

  Tree pose. Stand with your feet together. Draw your left foot up your right leg until it rests on your inner thigh. Put the palms of your hands together and raise them over your head. Balance and remain still. Lower your leg and repeat with the other side.

  Child’s pose. Get on your hands and knees and sit back so that your bottom touches your heels; lower your chest so that it is resting on your thighs. Keep your arms alongside your body with your fingers close to your ankles and your cheek on the floor. Rest.

  Corpse pose. Remain on the floor. Turn over on your back. Rest your arms and legs flat on the floor. Close your eyes and relax every muscle. Do this for as long as it takes, but for at least five minutes. Do not fall asleep. Get up slowly when you feel calm or when it is time to walk down the aisle.

  Laugh.

  Rent videos of musicals from the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s, especially those with Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire.

  Go to sleep early the night before the wedding.

  Even if you cannot sleep, at least your body will be resting. Do not plan the bachelor or bachelorette party for the night before the ceremony.

  Eat and drink.

  Make sure you eat on the big day, even if you do not feel hungry. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and gassy, bloating foods. Remain hydrated. If you are prone to fainting, drink some juice, sugary soda, or a shot of grappa (for courage) before walking down the aisle.

  Elope.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH LOST RINGS

  Use cigar bands.

  The best man or groomsmen may have cigars in their pockets. Slip the paper band off the cigar and give one to the bride and one to the groom to use in place of wedding bands. Large cigars with wide ring gauges have bands that are most likely to fit.

  Borrow from guests.

  Send the best man to collect rings from guests. Ask him to bring back an assortment of sizes so that one is sure to fit. The style of the ring does not matter.

  Use a ponytail holder.

  Twist the elastic in figure eights until it is small enough to fit on a finger.

  Bend paper clips.

  Straighten and then bend the paper clips into a ring. Watch for sharp ends.

  Braid rubber bands.

  Braid three rubber bands, then tie loose ends together to form a ring.

  HOW TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY RING

  You will need the foil wrapper from a stick of chewing gum and a piece of tape. For a man’s ring, use an entire wrapper; for a woman’s ring, use a wrapper that has been cut in half lengthwise.

  1 Remove the gum from the foil wrapper.

  Discard or chew the gum.

  2 Smooth the foil on a flat surface.

  Flatten all wrinkles and folds.

  3 Refold the wrapper lengthwise.

  Follow the existing crease lines and fold each of the longer sides up to meet in the middle, leaving the short ends unfolded.

  4 Fold the wrapper in half lengthwise if making a woman’s ring.

  The seams will be hidden in the middle.

  5 Fold one end into a point.

  6 Insert the point into the fold.

  7 Fit the strip around your finger in the shape of a ring.

  Size the ring to a comfortable fit.

  8 Secure the ring with a small piece of tape.

  WARNING!

  If a gum wrapper is not available, or if you prefer a different color ring, you can use paper money. Select foreign currencies for a more dramatic palette. Other options (cut to ft) include candy bar wrappers, aluminum foil, writing paper, or bank checks.

  Tank-You Note Generator

  Use the following equation and score chart to assess the actual value (AV) of any wedding gift; then select the appropriate thank-you note.

  V/GI x (TQ + AQ) = AV

  V = Estimated retail value (in dollars)

  GI = Estimated gross annual income of giver (in thousands of dollars)

  TQ = Tastefulness quotient (from tacky to attractive to classy, on a scale of 1–10)

  AQ = Appropriateness quotient (from dumb to useful to cool, on a scale of 1–10)

  AV = actual value

  Score Chart

  Below 10

  A very bad gift— no note

  * * *

  10–20

  A bad gift—use Note A

  * * *

  21–40

  A good gift— use Note B

  * * *

  41+

  A great gift— use Note C

  Example:

  You are given a blender with a retail value around $100 by a college friend with a gross annual income of around $40,000. It is quite tasteful in design (you’d rate it a 9 in TQ as blenders go) and will be quite useful (a 9 as well, since you don’t have a blender). Thus, this gift receives a score of: 100/40 x (9 + 9) = 45, a high score. If you received the same gift from a wealthy family friend, however, with a gross annual income around $140,000, the gift would receive a score of 100/140 x (9 + 9) = 12.86, a low score.

  You are given a doormat with a retail value around $35 by a neighbor with a gross annual income of around $100,000. It’s hideously ugly (a TQ rating of 2), and you already have a doormat (AQ rating of 3, as there would be some pleasure in wiping your feet on it).

  35/100 x (2 + 3) = 1.75, a score below the scale.

  NOTE A

  Dear __________,

  Thank you so much for the [name of gift here]. We can’t believe you thought of it for us! We will put it in a special place. Know that whenever we look at it, we’ll think of you.

  Sincerely,

  [your names here]

  NOTE B

  Dear __________,

  Thank you so much for the [name of gift here]. We genuinely appreciate your thoughtfulness in seeking out such a practical gift. Just know that whenever we use it, we’ll think of you.

  Sincerely,

  [your names here]

  NOTE C

  Dear __________,

  Thank you so much for the [name of gift here]. We can’t believe you thought of it for us! We can’t believe your generosity and creativity. It’s a fabulous gift. You must come over and enjoy it with us soon. We’ll think of you always.

  Sincerely,

  [your names here]

  MARRIAGE

  * * *

  * * *

  Extreme sunburn

  Tongue injury

  HOW TO SURVIVE A HONEYMOON DISASTER

  Extreme Sunburn

  1 Expose damaged skin to air.

  Remove all clothing around the burn area: Clothing will irritate the burn site and may cause increased pain.

  2 Drink water.

  Drink at least 32 ounces of water to help promote sweating, which cools the skin.

  3 Apply a cold compress.

  Put ice in a plastic bag, wrap in a cotton T-shirt or other fabric, and apply to the burn area. If the burn area is very large, soak a bedsheet in ice water and apply it instead of a compress. Let the skin cool under the compress for 15 minutes to help reduce pain.

  4 Apply a soothing gel or ointment to the burn area.

  Carefully rub a cooling aloe lotion into the burned area. This is especially soothing if the aloe has been chilled in a refrigerator or a bucket of ice. Do not apply suntan lotion, baby oil, petroleum jelly, or any other foreign substance to the burn.

  5 Take pain medication.

  Ibuprofen will help reduce pain at the burn site.

  6 Lie still.

  Lie in a position that best exposes your sunburn to the air without coming into contact with the bed, your clothing, or another person. Do not bend sunburned j
oints.

  7 Continue with your honeymoon.

  Take advantage of loose-fitting island fashions as your sunburn heals.

  WARNING!

  Depending on the severity of the sunburn, a new layer of skin will replace the burned area in two days to two weeks.

  Acute Tongue Injury

  1 Prepare a tea bag.

  Soak a tea bag in warm water for two minutes. Let it stand one minute at room temperature, then wrap it in gauze or a clean cloth napkin.

  2 Apply tea bag to tongue.

  Place the moist tea bag on the injury site and press steadily. The tannic acid in the tea is a natural coagulant and should stop the bleeding. The tongue has a large number of blood vessels near the surface and will bleed profusely until the blood coagulates.

  3 Rinse.

  Swish and spit using an anesthetic mouthwash, if available.

  4 Apply a numbing agent.

  Apply ice to the wound to numb and reduce pain.

  5 Avoid acidic and salty foods and liquids.

  Acidic substances, such as citrus fruits and vinegar, and those high in salt, such as nuts and potato chips, may aggravate the injury.

  6 Keep the tongue still.

  The tongue will heal more quickly if it is inactive.

  7 Protect the tongue.

  Wear an athletic mouth guard to protect the tongue until the injury heals.

  HOW TO APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE WRONG

  1 Evaluate the threat level.

  Examine your partner’s pupils and nostrils. Pupils dilated and nostrils flared means that you are in extreme amount of trouble. If the pupils are not dilated and nostrils are not flared, make a small silly joke or offer a nonsexual compliment and see if a smile is offered. An apology may not be required.

  2 Do not guess.

  Do not panic and start apologizing for things that your partner may not in fact be aware of. By saying, “I am sorry I was late paying your mortgage,” when she may not have known that, may put you in twice as much trouble as before.

  3 Offer a nonspecific apology.

  “I’m sorry for what I did. What I did was bad. It was a dumb thing to do.”

  4 Offer a nonspecific excuse.

  “I had a lot on my mind when I did that, which was dumb and bad.”

  5 Solicit information.

  Trick your partner into filling you in on what you have done wrong by feigning interest in learning how to do it better next time. “Why don’t you tell me exactly what it was that bothered you so much, so I never do it again.” Once it is clear what you did, offer an event-specific apology and/ or excuse.

  6 Offer a guarantee of universally improved performance in future.

  Promise that you will do better in all aspects, in all ways, from now on.

  HOW TO PREVENT SNORING

  Change sleep positions.

  Snoring is often caused by lying on your back. Train yourself to sleep on your side or stomach.

  Sew a tennis ball to the back of your pajamas.

  Prevent yourself from turning over onto your back in the middle of the night by attaching a tennis ball to your back. This will force you to lie on your side, effectively ridding you of the habit.

  Avoid alcohol.

  Alcohol and other sedatives increase muscle relaxation, which increases snoring.

  Change your diet.

  Reduce the amount of refined carbohydrates and dairy products that you consume. Both increase mucus production, which can cause snoring. Also avoid eating large meals at night right before bed.

  Exercise.

  Extra body fat, especially bulky neck tissue, can cause snoring. Losing just 10 percent of your body weight can improve your overall breathing.

  Apply nasal strips.

  Open nasal passages with adhesive nose strips.

  Use a throat spray.

  Lubricate your throat with a spray that will relax the throat muscles.

  Practice aromatherapy.

  Reduce nasal congestion with essential oils. Leave a jar of marjoram oil open on your nightstand while you sleep. Add a few drops of eucalyptus oil to a water-filled humidifier. Breathe in the steam just prior to going to bed.

  Use a neti pot.

  Reduce allergens in your sinuses by washing out your nasal passages with a neti pot. Fill the pot with water and 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Hold your head over a sink at an angle so your chin is parallel with your forehead. Tilt the pot so the tip of the arm enters one nostril. Allow the water to flow in one nostril and out the other. Repeat in the other nostril.

  Prop up your mattress.

  Put a dictionary, encyclopedia, or phone book under your mattress to raise your head and change the angle of your neck.

  HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU FORGET YOUR ANNIVERSARY

  Order an emergency bouquet.

  Many florists can assemble arrangements with little notice. If you have just minutes to prepare, scour your neighborhood flowerbeds for daisies. Wrap them in colorful ribbon and present them as your initial gift.

  Buy chocolates.

  Most supermarkets and drugstores carry chocolate assortments. Choose a tasteful boxed set rather than several loose candy bars tied with ribbon.

  Create a voucher card.

  Prepare a card or piece of paper that shows the wonderful gift you’re giving but can’t give now because it isn’t ready yet. Draw a picture of the gift on the card or paper.

  Apologize, apologize, apologize.

  If you’re caught with nothing, making excuses will not help your case. Your level of contrition should be so extreme that your spouse begins to feel bad because you feel so terrible.

  Give an intangible present.

  Give her a homemade certificate for a weekend spa getaway. It could be for her only, or for a romantic weekend for both of you—a “second honeymoon” (but don’t push your luck). A week free of household chores, a weekend of breakfasts in bed, or getting her car detailed are other possibilities.

  First anniversary

  Tenth anniversary

  HOW TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH

  1 Remove the back cushions.

  If the couch has loose back cushions, take them off to add more width to the sleeping surface.

  2 Remove the arm cushions.

  Side cushions take up previous head and leg room, and will just end up on the floor in the middle of the night anyway.

  3 Fluff and flip.

  If the sofa design permits, remove the seat cushions, fluff them, then flip them so the side that was down is now the top. This will provide a more even sleeping surface.

  4 Cover the seat cushions with a sheet.

  The sheet will protect your face from odors trapped in the cushions and will protect the seating area from saliva.

  5 Use your usual pillow.

  You will sleep better with your head resting on a familiar pillow. Get yours from the bedroom, if the bedroom is still accessible to you.

  6 Depending on the temperature of the room and your comfort level, get a sheet, blanket, comforter, or large towel to put on top of you.

  7 Relax.

  Do not go to bed angry.

  WARNING!

  If you are an active sleeper, lay the sofa cushions next to the sofa to break your fall should you roll off during the night.

  BABIES

  * * *

  * * *

  HOW TO DELIVER A BABY IN A TAXICAB

  1 Time the uterine contractions.

  For first-time mothers, when contractions are about three to five minutes apart and last 40 to 90 seconds—and increase in strength and frequency—for at least an hour, the labor is most likely real and not false (though it can be). Babies basically deliver themselves, and they will not come out of the womb until they are ready. Have clean, dry towels, a clean shirt, or something similar on hand.

  2 As the baby moves out of the womb, its head—the big gest part of its body—will open the cervix so the rest of it can pass through.

  (If feet
are coming out first, see “Warning!”) As the baby moves through the birth canal and out of the mother’s body, guide it out by supporting the head and then the body.

  3 When the baby is out of the mother, dry it off and keep it warm.

  Do not slap its behind to make it cry; the baby will breathe on its own. If necessary, clear any fluid out of the baby’s mouth with your fingers.

  4 Tie off the umbilical cord.

  Take a piece of string—a shoelace works well—and tie off the cord several inches from the baby.

  5 It is not necessary to cut the umbilical cord unless you are hours away from the hospital.

  In that event, you can safely cut the cord by tying it in another place a few inches closer to the mother and cutting it between the knots. Leave the cord alone until you get to a hospital. The piece of the cord attached to the baby will fall off by itself. The placenta will follow the baby in as few as 3 or as many as 30 minutes.

  WARNING!

  Before you attempt to deliver a baby, use your best efforts to get to a hospital first. There really is no way to know exactly when the baby is ready to emerge, so even if you think you may not have time to get to the hospital, you probably do. Even the “water breaking” is not a sure sign that birth will happen immediately. The water is actually the amniotic fluid and the membrane that the baby floats in; birth can occur many hours after the mother’s water breaks. However, if you leave too late or get stuck in crosstown traffic and you must deliver the baby on your own, these are the basic concepts.