Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  Grease, Motor Oil

  Use a dull knife or spoon to remove as much as possible.

  Blot remaining liquid with an absorbent cloth. Work shaving cream into the carpet with an old toothbrush. Wipe it off with a damp cloth, then sponge with cold water. If the stain remains, apply dry-cleaning fluid (be careful not to wet the carpet backing), then sponge the stain with a damp cloth.

  Blood

  Use a dull knife or spoon to remove as much as possible.

  Blot remaining liquid with an absorbent cloth. Sponge the stain with a sudsy mixture of liquid laundry enzyme detergent and cold water, then sponge with cold, clean water. If the stain remains, sponge with a mild bleaching agent such as lemon juice or hydrogen peroxide (do not let it saturate the carpet), then sponge with clean cold water. Repeat as needed.

  Removing Wasp Nests

  Put on protective gear. Layer clothing to include a long-sleeved shirt and zippered jacket, two pairs of long pants (jeans under sweatpants) tucked into two pairs of socks, leather shoes or boots, thick work gloves, and an insect veil. Spray the nest with a commercial aerosol containing pyrethrin and rotenone to paralyze the insects. When wasps are not flying from the nest, dislodge it from the house with a rake handle or dig it up from the ground (making sure to get all larvae). Burn the nest on a grill, or place it in a large sealable freezer bag and freeze overnight, then dispose.

  HOW TO THAW FROZEN PIPES

  1 Locate the frozen pipe.

  Turn on the water at each tap. If no water comes out or it comes out only in a trickle, the frozen section is connected to that tap. The most likely pipes are those running through exterior walls.

  2 Turn off the water supply where it enters the house.

  If the pipe cracks while you are thawing it, having turned off the water will prevent a flood.

  3 Apply heat to the frozen section.

  Use a hair dryer, wrap a heating pad around the pipe, or position an electric space heater near the pipe. Do not use a blowtorch, a propane heater, or an open flame device.

  4 Open the tap to see if water flows.

  When the frozen area begins to melt, the water will begin to flow.

  5 Turn on the water supply to the house.

  To Prevent Pipes from Freezing

  Both hot and cold water pipes should be insulated. Use a pipe sleeve, heat tape, or newspapers (1/4 inch thick).

  Let the cold water drip from a faucet connected to the most vulnerable pipes.

  Keep the thermostat set to the same temperature day and night.

  Keep the garage door closed in cold weather.

  Falling Trough the Floor

  Spread your arms wide to distribute your weight across unbroken flooring. Place your palms down, and push your body up and back, away from the hole. If you are in the hole up to your waist or farther, lean forward onto your forearms and push to raise as much of your body mass as possible above the hole. Repeat until free. Do not grasp at furniture legs above the hole or kick with your legs below.

  How to Avoid Doing Laundry

  Gather.

  Indent.

  Cover.

  RETIREMENT

  * * *

  * * *

  Use your grandchildren as golf caddies.

  HOW TO INCORPORATE THE GRANDKIDS INTO DAILY ACTIVITIES

  Use them as golf caddies.

  Divide the clubs equally among all the grandkids.

  Ask them to be your ball boy or girl when playing tennis.

  The smaller ones should work the net.

  Go running with them.

  Push a stroller while jogging for increased resistance. Have older children set your pace by riding their bikes beside you while you are jogging. The bikes can carry drinking water, towels, or snacks.

  Let them play waiter/waitress.

  Teach them how to serve and clear the table, open wine, and pour beverages. Let them dress up as a waiter or waitress when you entertain friends.

  Show them how to do the dishes.

  The taller ones can put the dishes in the high cabinets.

  Let them set you up on the Internet.

  Have your grandchildren teach you how to sell an item online, join a social networking site, or start a blog.

  Have them sort and roll your spare change.

  Pay them a percentage of the value of the coins.

  Show them how to garden.

  Teach them how to mow, weed, water, and plant.

  Teach them how to play card games.

  Sharpen your bridge, poker, or rummy skills by playing against your grandchildren. Avoid War, Go Fish, and 52-Card Pickup.

  HOW TO TAKE A NAP ANYWHERE

  In the park…

  Select a desirable spot in the shade. Avoid areas with anthills or dog poop. Clear any debris. Spread a blanket on the lawn.

  In the pool…

  Wear a swimsuit or other light clothing. Lather yourself with high-SPF sunscreen. Lie flat on a float with your legs dangling in the water.

  On a bus, train, or plane…

  Take off your jacket or request a blanket to use as a pillow. Turn away from your seatmate(s) to discourage conversation and hide drooling. Put on sunglasses or an eyeshade. Insert earplugs or earphones.

  BE AWARE!

  A power nap is a timed nap, typically for 20 to 45 minutes, that terminates before a deep sleep or slow-wave sleep.

  A catnap is for an undetermined time, often used as a break from activity.

  If you cannot fall asleep within 10 to 15 minutes, simply rest. A power rest can be nearly as refreshing as a power nap.

  Places Not to Take a 4 p.m. Nap

  On the sidewalk

  At the bank

  On a surfboard

  At a car wash

  On a safari

  In the kitchen, while baking

  On the treadmill

  In the steam room

  At the grocery store

  In the car, while driving

  On the tennis court

  In the shower

  At the blackjack table

  On the ski slopes

  In a public restroom

  Take an entry-level job to show you’re willing to work.

  Labor-Expanding Tips to Fill the Day

  IN THE KITCHEN: Grind your own coffee beans by hand.

  IN THE BACKYARD: Start a compost pile.

  IN THE BASEMENT: Label and scrapbook all photographs.

  IN THE KITCHEN: Squeeze oranges for fresh orange juice.

  IN THE BACKYARD: Mow crop circles.

  IN THE BASEMENT: Reorganize all your books by genre or color.

  IN THE KITCHEN: Make homemade spaghetti sauce.

  IN THE BACKYARD: Build a patio.

  IN THE BASEMENT: Construct a wine cellar.

  IN THE KITCHEN: Brew your own beer.

  IN THE BACKYARD: Practice topiary.

  IN THE BASEMENT: Paint a mural.

  HOW TO GET YOUR OLD JOB BACK

  Schedule a casual lunch with your former boss to “catch up.”

  Sell yourself.

  Present your boss with a list of reasons why you should be rehired: you are experienced, you work well with other employees, you have many industry contacts. Mention that hiring you back will eliminate the need for training a young, inexperienced worker. Remind him that you were a hard worker; refer to specific accomplishments, awards, or achievements.

  Bargain.

  Offer to work part-time or to jobshare without health benefits.

  Grovel.

  Show your boss pictures of your wife, children, and pets. Explain their needs.

  Offer a bribe.

  Promise your boss use of your boat for long weekends, expense-paid trips, or a cash payment.

  Threaten.

  Casually mention your familiarity with anti-age discrimination laws.

  Compromise.

  If your old job is not available, offer to work an entry-level position for a while to prove your dedication. Work on call or f
ill in for vacations and sick leave.

  Clever Ways to Take Your Medicine

  Hide medicine in a mixed drink, such as an Old Russian (Ensure and Kahlua) or a 5 a.m. Sunrise (Metamucil and tequila).

  Grind your meds and add them to your mashed potatoes. Pour on gravy to mask the flavor.

  Alternate each pill with an M&M or a spice drop.

  Put pills in a bowl of cereal.

  Replace the chocolate chips in an already baked cookie with your pills.

  Mix pills in trail mix or mixed nuts.

  Hold your nose, pop in the pill(s), and swallow quickly. Chase with water.

  4

  Can’t We All Just Get Along?

  SOCIAL SCENARIOS

  FAKING IT

  * * *

  * * *

  HOW TO FAKE A PRESENTATION

  1 Speak clearly.

  Do not mumble or raise your voice. Speak slowly and evenly. Act as if you are overexplaining very difficult material that the audience might not understand.

  2 Stand up straight.

  Project confidence with your body language. Smile and make frequent eye contact with your listeners.

  3 Make up statistics.

  Pepper your presentation with facts and figures. Bombard the listeners with numbers. Glance down at notes in your hand so it appears that you are being careful to get the statistics right.

  4 Scrawl.

  Use a messy scrawl when writing statistics or other imaginary information on an easel or dry-erase board. Erase each number or flip the page immediately to make room for new fictional information.

  5 Ask the audience questions.

  Broad questions such as “What are the results we’re looking for here?” or “Who are our competitors?” or “What are the greatest risks?” will provoke numerous and varied responses. Use your presentation time to write them on the board or flip chart.

  6 Use entertaining props.

  Make a puppet out of a coworker’s tie. Pour water from a pitcher into a glass to illustrate how capital flows into the market. Remove your blazer and wave it in front of you as if you are a toreador, taking on the bull-like challenges of a changing economy.

  7 Give nonanswers to all questions.

  Praise the questioner (“That’s a really good question. Thank you for asking that.”), insult the questioner (“I don’t think we need to waste time explaining that.”), or say you’d like to answer but want to keep going (“That falls outside the scope of this presentation.”).

  8 Conclude with a personal anecdote.

  Change the subject from business to a story your father used to tell you. When finished, smile and raise your eyebrows enigmatically.

  9 Exit the room.

  Say thank you and leave immediately.

  Make up statistics. Use entertaining props.

  HOW TO FAKE AN ORGASM

  1 Begin your vocal and physical ascent.

  During sexual activity, start to make noise and move rhythmically.

  2 Moan and cry out, building in volume and intensity.

  You may say your partner’s name over and over. Many people, in the thralls of ecstasy, will blurt out sentences or requests that are utterly incomprehensible: try this occasionally.

  3 Move faster rhythmically and then increasingly “out of control.”

  As you approach “climax,” increase the tempo of your movements, particularly of the hips. Add jerky movements. If you have not moved or vocalized much before you start to fake the orgasm, it will seem all the more fake, so you might need to fake enjoyment all the way through. (Note: If you do not usually move your hips during sex, try it. You may find it affects your arousal enough that you will need less faking.)

  4 Contract your muscles.

  For many people, this is an involuntary side effect of an orgasm; the classic examples are toe-curling or fingers clutching the sheets. You might also arch your back, scrunch your facial muscles, or open your mouth wide.

  5 Ratchet up the moaning and writhing in volume and intensity.

  6 Culminate in a loud moan or cry.

  7 Slow down immediately, tensing your body.

  8 Relax, as if exhausted or spent.

  9 Smile with enjoyment.

  HOW TO DETECT A REAL ORGASM

  Real orgasms are not always as theatrical and loud as fake ones. Some people are silent comers and do not exhibit many visible signs. Real orgasms tend to have some or all of the following elements:

  Orgasms are often accompanied by vocalizing and involuntary muscle contractions, including clutched sheets and curled toes.

  changes in breathing

  increased vocalizations

  intensified movements

  involuntary muscle contractions

  a pink or reddish flush on the face and chest

  sweat on the shoulders

  pelvic muscle contractions

  WARNING!

  Be sure that you want to fake the orgasm. You will be sending your partner a message that you are enjoying the sex more than you really are. If your partner is an ongoing lover or spouse, think hard before giving him or her the impression that he or she is doing everything right when that is not the case. If you are enjoying a one-night encounter, consider why it should make a difference to you if your partner thinks you have had an orgasm or not.

  Men can fake orgasms too, particularly if a condom is being used.

  Do not accuse your partner of faking an orgasm if they are not demonstrative, spasmodic, and loud. Conversely, do not accuse your partner of faking if they display all the characteristics of a faked orgasm.

  HOW TO TAKE A TEST WHEN YOU HAVEN’T STUDIED

  Essay

  Find a pocket of related knowledge.

  Pull in details from a subject you know well. If you are passionate about abstract expressionism, bring in details of the art movement to answer a question in a 20th-century history exam.

  Use a few key words.

  Employ short, less common words, such as wan, fey, nay, and cur. Add a few French bons mots. If you cannot spell the words, write sloppily. You will impress your professor with your linguistic erudition, which is better than not impressing him at all.

  Write something.

  Do not leave a question unanswered. You may not receive full credit for the answer, but displaying some knowledge about something will prevent you from taking a zero.

  Scribble an outline.

  On the inside cover of your blue book, illegibly write what appears to be an outline of an answer to show that you thoughtfully planned your answer.

  Do not complete the last sentence.

  No matter when you finish the essay exam, do not write the last sentence. Instead, write “TIME” across the bottom of your exam. This indicates that you would have written much more if you had more time.

  Multiple Choice

  Eliminate the wrong answers immediately.

  When there are four choices, two answers are usually completely wrong. Cross them out. If you can discount any other answer, cross it out. “None of the above” and “All of the above” are often the correct answer. Do not discount these right away if you are unsure of the answer.

  Trust your instincts.

  Do not talk yourself out of your gut reaction. If you think a particular choice is the right answer, there is a reason. You may vaguely recall a lecture, something you read in passing, or even relevant information from an episode of your favorite television show.

  Look for a pattern on your answer sheet.

  Watch for some order, be it ABCDABCDABCD or BADDABBADDAB. Be wary if your answers are AAAA AAAAAAAA.

  Do not labor over one question.

  All questions are worth the same amount on multiple-choice exams, so do not get overly involved in any one question. Move on and return to unanswered questions as you have time.

  Job Description Euphemism Chart

  WHAT YOU DID: WHAT YOU LIST:

  Worked the deep fryer Acted as sous chef in popular lunch venu
e

  Bagged groceries Coordinated order fulfillment

  Answered phones Interfaced with clients

  Mowed lawns Landscaped for private clients

  Made beds Arranged accommodations for a hotel

  Dug ditches Industrial waste facilitator

  Waited tables Managed client relations

  Babysat child Development consultant

  Folded clothes in department store Sales associate in the garment industry

  Gas station/ convenience store clerk Auto mechanic’s assistant

  Lifeguard Health and safety supervisor

  Washed dishes Restaurant critic

  Lifted boxes Inventory manager in a warehouse

  Centerfold Centerfold

  Answer every question.

  Very seldom are wrong answers weighted more heavily against you than an unanswered question. Depending on the number of choices, you have a 20 to 25 percent chance of answering a question correctly. Guess every time.

  WARNING!

  Take a class pass-fail if it is not in your concentration, if you have an overloaded schedule, or if you are concerned about your grade point average.

  There are usually more “true” answers than “false” answers on a true-false exam because false answers are harder to write.