Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  6 Call for help if you cannot fix the situation yourself.

  Cry out for help. If a phone is within reach, call the receptionist or a coworker.

  HOW TO RESTORE A SHREDDED DOCUMENT

  1 Determine the identifying characteristics of the document.

  Use paper color and weight, distinctive fonts, illustrations, and logos to establish which is the document you are trying to restore. Find an unshredded document or letter from the same sender as a model.

  2 Sort the shreds.

  Using the identifying characteristics of the stationery and comparing the angle of the edges of each shred, begin to organize the shred strips. Separate and discard shreds from other documents until all remaining shreds are from the target document.

  3 Begin pasteup.

  Place the first shred vertically on your pasteup board (a whiteboard works well) using clear, removable tape. Using the same orientation, place a second shred alongside the first. Compare it against one side, then the other. If it is a match, tape it down next to the original shred. If it is not, lightly tape it down an inch away, parallel to the first strip.

  4 Repeat.

  Continue comparing strips. Keep the “raw” (uncompared) strips separate from the “rejected” (compared but non-matching) strips. If you run out of room, use a second pasteup board. Join matching strips as soon as the match is discovered.

  5 Copy the reconstituted document.

  When the document is reassembled, sandwich taped strips between two sheets of clear overhead projector film or clear contact paper and photocopy.

  WARNING!

  A three-page document will have 100 to 200 shred strips, and reassembly will take one to two hours, depending on skill level.

  Cross-cut shredders, which shred documents in both directions, make salvage virtually impossible.

  Sort shreds by distinctive color, type, and design. Discard shreds not from target document. Tape each shred in place to reassemble document.

  Rock the machine forward and back slightly.

  HOW TO GET A CANDY BAR OUT OF THE VENDING MACHINE

  1 Wait several seconds.

  Newer vending machines may be equipped with special technology that senses when an item has not dropped; the machine may return your money or give you another selection.

  2 Purchase the item again.

  Depending on how severely the snack is stuck and how much money you have, you may be able to jar it loose and get a second one by selecting the same item again.

  3 Choose an item from the row above.

  If your snack is stuck at an angle toward the glass at the end of the row, an item dropping from above may knock it free.

  4 Jostle the machine.

  Vending machines are extremely heavy and can cause major injury if they tip over. Carefully bang on the side of the machine. Do not hit glass areas.

  5 Rock the machine.

  Tip the machine backward very slightly (not side to side), and let it drop back in place to jar the item loose. Do not press on the glass.

  AVOID BEING FIRED

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  * * *

  HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU’RE CAUGHT SLACKING

  Asleep at Your Desk

  Blame work.

  Say, “I’m so exhausted; I was here until midnight last night!” Do not attempt this if your boss works late and you do not.

  Blame medication.

  Claim that your new allergy medicine has been making you drowsy. Say, “Those antihistamines just knock me out!”

  Blame lunch.

  Say, “Wow, I guess I should not have eaten that turkey sandwich. Tryptophan really makes me sleepy!”

  WARNING!

  When taking a nap, always rest your elbow on your desk and keep your arm perpendicular to the desktop. Your forehead should rest on your four fingers—your thumb, spread apart from the fingers, should support your jaw. This position will keep your head up and aimed at your desk. Face in a direction so that it is not immediately visible to someone approaching your desk that your eyes are closed. Keep an important group of documents in your perceived line of sight so as to appear to be reading intently

  Surfing the Web

  Blame your search engine.

  Explain that your search engine mistakenly has provided you with an address to an inappropriate site. Alternatively, claim that you made a typing error in the Web address.

  Blame your browser.

  Say that someone has set a new home page on your Internet browser. Sounding annoyed, loudly ask, “Who keeps setting my browser to open on this sports page? I’m trying to get those new numbers for my report!” You can also claim that you’re having trouble loading certain work-related Web sites and so you are visiting more popular sites to see if the computer is working properly.

  Blame the Web site.

  Claim that the window with inappropriate material opened unexpectedly while you were viewing something else. Lament that such “pop-ups” are very common and should be regulated.

  Blame an e-mail correspondent.

  Claim that someone sent you the hyperlink, and you clicked it without knowing what it was.

  The proper napping position: Forehead on fingertips. Thumb supporting jaw. Arm perpendicular to desk.

  WARNING!

  When surfing the Web, always keep the corporate intranet site up in a separate browser window. Be ready to click over quickly

  Position your monitor at an angle that prevents anyone standing at the entrance to your office or cube from viewing the screen.

  HOW TO ENHANCE YOUR STATURE

  Pretend That You Have an Assistant

  Alter your outgoing voicemail message.

  Ask a spouse or friend, preferably with an intriguing foreign accent, to record your outgoing message. It should be a version of the following: “You have reached the office of [your name here]. S/he is not available to take your call. Please leave a message, and s/he will return your call as soon as possible.”

  Receive calls on your mobile phone.

  While you are with someone you want to impress, either in an office conference room or at a restaurant, have a friend call you at a prearranged time. Answer the phone and say to the person with whom you are meeting, “Sorry, but I have to take this call. No one but my assistant has this number, and I told him to call me only in emergencies.”

  Tip the host at a restaurant.

  Tell the host to come to your table during the meal and say that you have an urgent phone call from your assistant.

  Attend meetings to which you are not invited.

  Ask the receptionist for a conference room reservation schedule.

  Determine which meetings are worth crashing.

  Choose meetings carefully.

  Do not attend any meeting at which your direct supervisor is present. If your supervisor is out of the office, definitely attend the meeting, and people will think you have been designated as a replacement. If your supervisor is in town, go to other departments’ meetings.

  Invent a reason for attending.

  Approach the person running the meeting in advance and explain that you are attending for “professional development.” The chairperson will most likely assume that there is some new Human Resources department program. Others attending the meeting will assume that you are supposed to be there.

  Bring snacks.

  People will never question your attendance if you bring food.

  Move into an Unoccupied Office

  1 Take note of offices that have been vacant for a significant length of time.

  2 Slowly take possession of an office.

  Begin by working on a project in the office. If questioned, explain that you “needed a little peace and quiet in order to get [project name] done.”

  3 Occupy the office regularly.

  For two weeks, spend at least an hour a day in the space, working on your project.

  4 Expand your hours of occupancy.

  After two weeks, begin leaving personal item
s and other files in the office.

  5 Log on to the computer in the new office with your password.

  6 Forward your phone calls.

  Program your phone to send your calls to the extension in the new office.

  7 Complain to the IT department.

  Tell the information technologies department that your old extension still hasn’t been transferred to your new phone.

  8 Move your nameplate.

  Place your nameplate on the new desk or in the slot outside the door, depending on company practice.

  9 Close the door when working.

  Look annoyed when anyone knocks or tries to come in. After approximately eight weeks of squatting, the office will be perceived as yours.

  Alter Your Business Cards

  Count the number of characters in your title.

  The new title you select needs to occupy roughly the same space on the card so that it doesn’t float or appear obviously doctored. For example, “Editorial Assistant” can become “Editorial Director,” but not simply “Editor” or “Senior Editor.” Suggested replacements:

  “Marketing Manager” with “Marketing Director”

  “Assistant to the President” with “Assistant Vice-President

  “Executive Secretary” with “Chief Exec. Officer.”

  “Customer Service Rep.” with “Customer Service Mgr.”

  Use correction fluid, tape, a razor blade, and modified printer labels to add or subtract words and letters from your business card.

  Use Props

  Carry a briefcase.

  Invest in a good-quality leather briefcase or attaché case and carry it at all times. When someone asks you for something, say, “Oh, I have it here in my briefcase.” Consider a locking model for added stature.

  Carry a fountain pen.

  Fountain pens denote wealth and good breeding. Do not carry the pen in a pocket protector.

  Look Busier Than You Are

  Purchase a headset and attach it to your phone.

  It doesn’t matter whether it’s actually connected or not—tape it to the bottom of the phone if it won’t hook in. Wear it constantly, and talk loudly whenever someone passes by.

  Keep large piles of paper on your desk at all times.

  Rearrange the stacks occasionally.

  Type furiously from time to time.

  Position your monitor so that the screen is not visible to anyone passing by or entering your space. Periodically, look intently at the monitor and type as fast as you can. Type nonsense, if you must—but do it at a speed of at least 70 words per minute.

  Show up early and stay late.

  You can maintain the same eight-hour day—just run your errands in the middle of the day. Few people will think twice about your absence from your desk in the middle of the day, but everyone will notice how early you get there and how late you leave. Long midday absences, if noticed, will be interpreted as business lunches, a sign of importance.

  Muss your hair and look stressed whenever you pass your supervisor’s office.

  Start a Helpful Rumor

  Receive messages from headhunters.

  Have a friend, posing as a headhunter, make repeated calls to the receptionist. The friend should say, “I’m with [official-sounding name] Headhunting Agency—may I speak with [your name]?” Word will likely get back to your supervisor.

  Plant a reference check with the Human Resources department.

  When the office is sure to be closed—late at night, on a weekend, or when you are certain that everyone in the Human Resources department has left for the day—have a friend leave a voicemail message saying he or she is checking references on [your name] and will call back later. The caller should not leave a return phone number or a company name but can leave their own name. The caller should sound casual but busy, as if he or she is checking a list of names with a variety of employers.

  Take the receptionist or your direct supervisor’s assistant into your “confidence.”

  Explain that you are “entertaining” a position at another company but that you “really want to stay.” Ask for advice, knowing that word will get back to the boss.

  Talk with people in other departments about forthcoming changes in your department.

  Say you are not at liberty to reveal the whole story, but major changes will be coming. Ask if they know anything about future plans for your supervisor’s parking place/office.

  Conduct rumor-inducing conversations in public areas.

  Spend time conversing at the watercooler, the lunchroom, the bathroom, the lobby, stairwells, elevators, and hallways. A loud whisper is most effective in getting people’s attention. What you are talking about is not important: the fact that you are engaging in so many hushed conversations is the important factor.

  Hang the document to expose both sides to the air.

  HOW TO SALVAGE A COFFEE-STAINED DOCUMENT

  If you are working with a signed contract or a document you cannot replace, you will have to restore the existing pages.

  1 Blot the stain immediately.

  Use a clean rag or paper towel to remove as much of the coffee as possible before it dries. Blot, do not wipe. The longer the stain sets, the more difficult the removal.

  2 Examine the stain.

  If the stain caused the ink to run, you are probably dealing with an unsalvageable document. Follow the directions in step 3 to be sure.

  3 Determine the printing method.

  Wet the end of an cotton swab, and quickly run it across a nonstained word. If the ink transfers to the cotton, the document was printed on an ink-jet printer and salvage is not possible. Use as is.

  4 Make a vinegar solution.

  For a small stain (one to two inches in diameter), mix 1 tablespoon white vinegar with 1 tablespoon cold water. (Double or triple the amounts based on stain size.) Pour the mixture into a plate or shallow dish.

  5 Place the stained document on the edge of the dish.

  Using a metal spoon, weigh down the stained portion so it rests in the solution. It is not necessary to immerse the entire sheet.

  6 Soak for five minutes.

  If the stain is still present, let the document soak for five additional minutes.

  7 Remove from the solution and blot.

  Blot the wet area using a clean, dry paper towel. Do not rub.

  8 Dry.

  For best results, clip the paper to a string with a clothespin or paper clip to expose both sides to the air. Drying time is about 30 minutes. If time is of the essence or the document is very wrinkled, use a warm iron to carefully smooth the stained area to speed the drying process.

  WARNING!

  Do not rub the stained area when the stain is fresh or damp from the vinegar, as you may rip the document.

  Depending on the severity and freshness of the stain, blotting repeatedly with a vinegar-soaked paper towel instead of soaking may be more effective for removal. When the stain has faded, blot with a clean, dry paper towel and dry as above.

  If the signature page at the end of a contract is the stained page, do not try to remove the stain. Blot dry and leave alone. The signatories may have used a fountain pen or a type of ink that is water soluble.

  HOW TO COVER UP MISTAKES

  Expunge a Nasty E-mail

  Recall it.

  Some e-mail programs allow you to “recall” a message you sent, giving you the option of deleting or replacing it. This feature works only if the recipient is also using the same brand of software and if the recipient is in your local area network. In the Sent Items folder, open the e-mail and click Recall This Message in the Tools menu (or Actions menu, depending on which software you have). Follow the instructions.

  Retract it.

  Several free software programs or add-ins allow you to “retract” (delete) an e-mail before it is read. Instead of sending the actual message, these programs send the recipient a link to a Web site that stores your sent e-mail, enabling you to send a “delete” comm
and before the recipient opens the message. If you tend to get angry and impulsive, consider buying such a program.

  Delete the message from the recipient’s computer.

  As soon as you realize your mistake, call the recipient and send him on a fool’s errand, or have the recipient paged to another area. Go to his desk. Kneel so that you are not easily visible. Open his e-mail program and delete the message. Check the Trash mailbox to make sure it was fully deleted and not just moved. Delete it permanently.

  Claim poor spelling or blame the automatic spelling checker.

  Insist to the recipient that your message isn’t what you meant to say. Explain that the bad language was a typo, or that it was a typo that the automatic spell-checker changed into another, unintended word.

  Claim that someone else sent the e-mail from your machine.

  Blame computers generally.

  Explain that a moment’s frustration was blown way out of proportion because computers make it so easy to vent and send. Claim that before computer technology and e-mail, this never would have happened.

  WARNING!

  It is best to queue outgoing e-mail in your outbox rather than send it immediately This gives you the opportunity to pause and refect on your wording, and then change or delete the message before it is sent.

  One e-mail program offers a “Mood Watch” function that monitors your typing and alerts you if a message is approaching “flame” status.

  Cultivate realationships.