Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  7 Record your travails.

  Create a record of anything you learn about the zombies, rates of infection, survival tips, and the names of humans known to have succumbed to the infection. Make multiple digital and hard copies of this record to ensure its availability to future generations or to other surviving groups, should your own copy perish during the plague.

  8 Wait out the zombies.

  Zombies cannot survive without feeding on human brains for more than a few weeks, but that countdown does not begin until they have consumed all available humans. Remain in your secure encampment until your wireless communication networks indicate that no zombies have been seen or heard for at least three months.

  9 Reestablish civilization.

  Begin the long process of reconstructing cities, creating a workable government, and developing an economy.

  Weapons for Killing Zombies

  WEAPON: Chain saw

  ADVANTAGES: Does a lot of damage very quickly.

  DISADVANTAGES: Can jam with gore; fuel is limited.

  WEAPON: Dishwasher

  ADVANTAGES: Satisfying sound of drowning zombies.

  DISADVANTAGES: Hard to get zombies into dishwasher.

  WEAPON: Rocks

  ADVANTAGES: Endless supply.

  DISADVANTAGES: Not much damage.

  WEAPON: Sword or ax

  ADVANTAGES: Can dismember zombies even when they are not killed.

  DISADVANTAGES: Unwieldy, gets stuck in zombie.

  WEAPON: Fire or fame

  ADVANTAGES: Zombies are highly flammable.

  DISADVANTAGES: May create a larger confagration.

  WEAPON: Automobile

  ADVANTAGES: Kills several zombies at once.

  DISADVANTAGES: Can damage car.

  WEAPON: Pistol

  ADVANTAGES: Kills zombie with single shot to head.

  DISADVANTAGES: Requires good aim; ammunition in limited supply.

  WEAPON: Bow and arrow

  ADVANTAGES: Can fashion own arrows.

  DISADVANTAGES: Requires excellent aim.

  WEAPON: Machine gun

  ADVANTAGES: Kills many zombies at once.

  DISADVANTAGES: Rapidly uses up limited stores of ammunition.

  WEAPON: Hand grenade

  ADVANTAGES: Kills many, many zombies at once.

  DISADVANTAGES: Danger to thrower, other nearby survivors.

  WEAPON: Shovel

  ADVANTAGES: Broad side to whack, sharp side to hack.

  DISADVANTAGES: Requires hand-to-hand encounter.

  WEAPON: Fists

  ADVANTAGES: None; last-resort option.

  DISADVANTAGES: Maximizes chances of deadly gore splatter.

  WEAPON: Baseball bat

  ADVANTAGES: Satisfying crunch.

  DISADVANTAGES: Requires powerful upper-arm strength.

  WEAPON: Steamroller

  ADVANTAGES: Extremely effective.

  DISADVANTAGES: Where are you going to get a steamroller?

  HOW TO OUTRUN A PACK OF ZOMBIES

  Depending on the type of plague, the zombies you face will be either “fast” zombies, with roughly human running speed, or “slow” zombies, with impeded speed and motion.

  Fast Zombies

  1 Get a vehicle.

  Escaping the zombies in a car allows you to bring supplies, to vastly outpace your pursuers, and to use the vehicle as a weapon when necessary.

  2 Leave morsels.

  If you are fleeing fast zombies and encounter other survivors, outpace them and keep the survivors between you and the zombies. Attacking the other survivors will slow the zombies’ pace.

  3 Trick the zombies.

  Travel in circles, double back, and follow no definite pattern as you flee. The zombies are persistent but not particularly intelligent.

  4 Pace yourself.

  Expend only as much energy as necessary to get yourself to safety, then rest. You may escape a particular group of zombies, but you must be ready to avoid others. Remember, there will always be more zombies.

  Slow Zombies

  1 Make a lot of turns.

  Zombie hordes, lacking both leaders and functioning brains, tend to move forward as a ragged clump along a straight line. Simply backtracking and making frequent turns can shake loose your followers.

  2 Cross water.

  Forge a small creek or row across a lake or stream. Slow zombies are terrible swimmers.

  3 Set obstacle fires.

  Like humans, zombies will avoid fire. Setting a strategic fire line can afford time for escape as the zombies work their way around the line.

  4 Climb stairs.

  Slow zombies are not good at climbing stairs. If you are absolutely sure there is another means of exit above, climb stairs and, on arriving at a higher story, leap out a window, landing as silently as possible, and sprint away.

  Do not attempt to flee zombies by climbing a tree, as they can wait you out.

  All Zombies

  1 Stick with the familiar.

  Seek escape along routes you know well to avoid becoming disoriented and stumbling into the horde.

  2 Do not go up.

  Do not climb trees or enter high buildings without any definite path of escape, else you risk becoming entrapped; the zombies will swarm below and simply wait you out. They have nothing better to do.

  3 Do not go underground.

  For similar reasons, resist the urge to escape into sewers or hide in an abandoned well or swimming pool.

  4 Avoid hospitals.

  Hospitals are gathering points for sick and dying people, which means that they will also now be full of zombies.

  5 Do not enter tunnels.

  Zombies may enter from the other side, sealing off any possible escape.

  HISTORICAL EMERGENCIES

  * * *

  * * *

  HOW TO SURVIVE BEING THROWN TO THE LIONS

  1 Remove your animal skin clothing.

  Your captors will have covered you in animal blood or dressed you in the skins of prey animals; such garments may arouse the lions and cause them to attack. Use the skins to wipe off the blood and immediately move as far from the discarded skins as possible.

  2 Do not provoke the lions.

  If the lions appear sick, sedate, distracted, or disinterested, do not approach them, or you risk inciting an attack that is not forthcoming. Though the lions will have been starved in preparation for your confrontation, there is no certainty that the beasts in the arena will attack you. If the animals don’t become aggressive, your fight may be rescheduled for another day’s circus games, sparing your life at least until the following day.

  3 Fight an animal handler to secure a weapon.

  If the lions appear agitated, use your bare hands to attack the smallest, weakest-looking animal handler (bestiarii) in the arena. Procure his whip, sword, shield, and/or other protective gear.

  4 Watch for mock charges.

  A lion may make several mock charges before actually attacking. It will run forward suddenly, then stop. It may back away before charging again. Mock-charging is an indication that a real attack is imminent. Stand your ground and be ready.

  5 Yell.

  Shout as loud as you can. Lions are sensitive to loud noises, and yelling may discourage one from further charges. Yelling will also act as an impressive display of strength for the crowd in the arena.

  6 If you are unable to prevent an attack, use the sword to fight the animal.

  Push the lion’s paws and head away from you, thrusting the sword into its abdomen.

  7 Behave courageously.

  Though the animals are typically the victors in cases of damnatio ad bestias (“condemnation to the beasts”), the outcome is not always certain. A particularly brave fight leading to victory in the arena may grant you a temporary reprieve or, possibly, a pardon.

  Remove any animal skins. Yell to discourage lion from charging.

  BE AWARE!

  There are wooden doors set into the d
irt floor; these doors may lead to passageways or empty animal cages that can provide some measure of protection from lions already in the arena. Do not open the doors in an attempt to escape. The cages may still have vicious, live animals in them, and even an empty cage is only a temporary refuge. You will be pulled out and forced to continue the fight, but since you attempted to hide rather than facing your challenge head-on, it will be impossible to receive a pardon or reprieve even if you are victorious against the animals in the arena.

  You may be able to keep the animals at bay by cracking a whip stolen from a bestiarii. Circle the whip as far above your head as you can while still allowing for smooth movement. Keep your back straight and your elbow slightly bent to ensure a smooth motion, with your opposite arm out to the side to give you balance. Make one large circle overhead and then a quick upright S approximately two feet in front of you, keeping your wrist at a 45-degree angle to your body as you bring the whip down and complete the motion. Wherever you follow through with your wrist is where the tip—the most dangerous part of the whip—will go.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A JOUST

  1 Don your armor.

  The ideal armor for a joust is curved and smooth to help deflect your opponent’s lance, with extra protection on your left side, which will be closest to your opponent and the most likely place for him to strike.

  2 Mount your steed.

  Sit hard in the saddle. Place your feet into the stirrups and use your knees to steady yourself on your horse in preparation for collision with your opponent’s lance.

  3 At the signal, spur your horse forward.

  Hold your lance in your right hand, perpendicular to the ground, and guide your horse ahead, on the left side of the tilt barrier. Lean forward slightly to increase your visibility; the narrow eye slot in your helmet will impair your vision.

  4 At the last possible moment, lower your lance toward your opponent.

  Extend the lance over your horse’s left shoulder at a 35-degree angle across your body.

  5 Aim your lance low on your opponent’s breastplate.

  Though your ultimate goal is to knock your opponent off his horse to win the match, you can also score points by striking your opponent on his helmet (two points) or on his breastplate or shield (one point).

  6 Hold your ecranche directly facing the impending impact to disperse the force of your opponent’s lance.

  Your shield, or ecranche, will be attached to your chest or your left shoulder. Hold your rein hand just ahead of the front of the saddle, and rest your knuckles on or just above the ridge between the horse’s shoulder bones. Do not allow the ecranche to sit so high that it scoops upward, or your opponent’s lance will slide up to hit your helmet. Note that defensive moves, such as ducking or weaving, are not allowed and will result in a loss of points.

  7 Lean backward on impact.

  Use your legs like a vise around your horse to remain in your saddle. Meeting force with force, at a slight angle, will diffuse the power of the strike (equal to the force of a blow from a blacksmith’s hammer). If you are knocked from your steed, immediately tuck and roll. If possible, angle your fall so that you land on your shoulder and roll with—don’t resist—your forward momentum once you strike the ground. The weight of your armor will stop you quickly enough.

  8 Repeat steps 3 through 7 until either you or your oppo nent is knocked from the saddle.

  Aim for your opponent’s helmet or breastplate to score points.

  WARNING!

  The rules for each joust differ from tournament to tournament, though typically each match consists of several warm-up runs, called “measuring passes,” followed by three to six contacting passes.

  Hegel remarks somewhere that history tends to repeat itself. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.

  –Karl Marx

  Weep

  Cry

  Sink

  HOW TO PROVE YOU’RE NOT A WITCH

  1 Get rid of any pets.

  Witches use animals as agents to carry out the devil’s commands, so any animals in your charge, including any insects that enter the courtroom during your trial, may be interpreted as your “familiars” and offered by prosecutors as further proof of your status as a witch.

  2 Weep.

  Witches are unable to shed tears, so cry when you are arrested.

  3 React to pain during the needle ordeal.

  All witches have a devil’s mark somewhere on their bodies to show that they have made a pact with Satan. During the needle test, any blemish, wart, scar, mole, or other imper fection will be poked to test your reaction. It is believed that the devil’s mark is immune to pain and cannot bleed, so wince and cry out as each blemish is pricked.

  4 Sink during the water ordeal.

  Witches float in water because they weigh less than ordinary people. During the water ordeal, you will be tied at the hands and feet and thrown into a body of water in the presence of the court and members of the public. When your body hits the water, tense all of your muscles and imagine that you are made of lead or another heavy substance. Take short, shallow breaths before going under rather than filling your lungs with air. The guards will judge your ability to float, and if you sink to the bottom, they will probably pull you up before you drown.

  WARNING!

  You are a witch if you have

  made a pact with the devil

  had sex with the devil

  practiced harmful magic

  flown through the air

  communicated with “familiar spirits” in the form of animals

  murdered children to eat them or to make ointment from their rendered fat

  met with other witches

  Because witchcraft is a crimen exceptum—an exceptional crime, on the same level as treason, conspiracy, forgery, and robbery with murder—the courts suspend normal rules of evidence to ease conviction.

  Unless you are a child or pregnant, any circumstantial evidence will lead to your torture in order to force a confession. Such evidence can include the following:

  being named a witch by another witch testifying under torture

  being a relative of someone executed for witchcraft

  being homeless

  committing adultery

  learning too quickly

  making threats against another person that have come true

  being in the fields shortly before a hail shower

  making a sick person well

  attending church services sporadically

  attending church services regularly

  showing fear during arrest

  remaining calm during arrest

  If you are found guilty of witchcraft, you will be burned alive or hanged. In some regions, you will be strangled before your body is burned as an act of mercy.

  HOW TO FIGHT WITH BAYONETS

  Maintain eye contact with opponent.

  Watch his weapon and body using peripheral vision. Size up each moment of the fight, pursuing all openings and weaknesses your opponent reveals.

  Make constant, unpredictable movements.

  Do not allow your opponent to take a clean shot or to anticipate your next move.

  Growl.

  Make aggressive, threatening noises to frighten your opponent and instill confidence in your own abilities to finish the fight.

  Start in the attack position.

  Stand with your feet a comfortable distance apart, with your body bent slightly forward at the waist, knees slightly bent, and weight balanced on the balls of your feet. Hold the musket firmly, with your dominant hand on the butt or just behind the trigger guard and your other hand on the grip below the barrel. Position the musket diagonally across and slightly away from your body at about nose level.

  Thrust the bayonet.

  Grasp the musket tightly and pull the butt in close to your hip; partially extend your nondominant arm, guiding the point of the bayonet toward your opponent’s face, throat, abdomen, or groin. Step for
ward with one leg and push with the full power of your body’s movement, using your back heel, waist, and hips rather than relying solely on upper-body strength. Upon penetration, twist the bayonet. To withdraw, shift your weight back, and pull out along the line of penetration. Resume the attack position to continue with the fight.

  Strike with the musket butt.

  Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and raise the musket in an arc, using your dominant hand to force the butt of the musket underneath your opponent’s weapon or onto a vulnerable area of his body (anywhere from his face to his thighs). If delivered with enough force, a strike from the butt of the musket to a bony area can disable your opponent and possibly kill him. Resume the attack position.

  Smash with the musket butt.

  Push the butt of the rifle upward until it is horizontal, with the muzzle just above your nondominant shoulder and the bayonet pointing behind you. Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and forcefully push with both arms, slamming the butt into your opponent’s face. This move is often effective after striking with the musket butt.

  Step forward with your leading foot. Strike your opponent’s musket. Deflect your opponent’s musket to your right.

  Parry your opponent’s attacks.

  Counter the movements of your opponent by quickly raising your bayonet and striking the opponent’s musket with your own. If the butt of his musket is at his left hip, deflect his thrust to your right; if the butt of his musket is at his right hip, deflect to your left. This will throw your opponent off balance and enable you to follow up with a thrust, strike, or smash.