by Erica Lee
“I… Well… You weren’t supposed to find out,” Diana said, sounding defeated. “It’s not what it seems like though.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “It never is. Is it, Diana?”
Before either of us could say anything else, Ava was back, holding an ice cream cone that was already dripping all over her hand. She looked up at Diana with her chocolate-covered face. “Mama, do you think I could stay with you at Grandma and Grandpa’s tonight?”
Diana kneeled so she was on Ava’s level. “Listen. Mama would love that, but she won’t be done with work until very late tonight. How about we do tomorrow night instead?” She paused for a moment and looked toward me. “That is, of course, if your mom says it’s okay.”
I nodded slightly. “That’s fine with me. Tomorrow sounds great, especially since your mama is working oh so late tonight.”
Diana easily caught on to the bite in my words and shrugged her shoulders at me. “I really do work until 7:30 tonight. By the time I would get back to my parents, Ava would be going to bed. I’ll be at their house by 5:00 tomorrow, so we’ll have a lot more time together.”
What she was saying made sense, but I couldn’t help feeling bitter. I knew that her work schedule wasn’t the only thing holding her back from taking Ava. She also had damage control to do tonight, and it made my insides burn knowing she was willing to try so hard with someone else.
Chapter 28: Carly
At 8:00, I heard a knock on the door and yelled for the person to come in. I knew it was Diana. She had been texting me since I left work, apologizing profusely about Ava’s eye exam and begging me to let her come over after work so we could talk.
Apparently, Hailey and Ava had shown up at the hospital following their appointment, and Hailey was rightfully pissed. I wasn’t sure if she’d shown Diana the note I wrote her, but at this point, I didn’t care. There was no reason for me to explain myself to Diana. She, on the other hand, had a lot of explaining to do.
My thoughts were interrupted by her walking into my bedroom and immediately crawling into bed beside me. Without saying a word, she ran her hand across my stomach and began kissing my neck. Any other time, I would have loved this greeting, but tonight I wasn’t in the mood. I pushed away from her and made sure there was a good foot between us in the bed.
“You’re mad,” Diana said, more as a statement than a question.
I scoffed at her revelation. “You think?”
“Listen, I can explain…” Diana began.
I laughed, shaking my head. “Let me guess. That’s the exact same thing you said to Hailey, isn’t it?” When her face fell in response to my joke, I knew my assumption was correct. “Oh my God. You actually did. Seriously, Diana? Are you just living the exact same relationship with two different people?”
“It’s not like that,” she stuttered, looking a lot less confident than I had ever seen.
I threw my hands in the air in frustration. “Then what is it like, Diana?”
Diana sat up in bed and stared down at her hands for a few seconds. When she looked back at me, I could tell she was trying to hold back tears. Part of me wanted to reach out and hold her, but another part wanted to push her even further away. Instead, I just sat still as she started to explain herself.
“I wanted to get you each something special because you’re both special to me in your own way. I didn’t go shopping with the intention of getting you both the same thing. It just sort of happened because it seemed perfect for both of you. But you have to understand that it means two completely different things. For her, it was all about our past, but with you, it was about our future—a future that I really hope we still have together.”
I nodded my head. “It definitely makes a lot more sense when you put it that way,” I admitted.
Diana’s face lit up at my words. “So, does that mean you forgive me? We’re going to be okay?” she asked, while grabbing my hand.
I didn’t pull my hand away, even though I wanted to. I’m not sure what made Diana think this would be that easy. “I do forgive you for the locket.” When her grinned widened, I shook my head. “Let me finish. I might forgive you for that, but I still have a lot of concerns.”
I watched Diana’s face fall again, as she pulled her hands away from me. “Okay… And what are those concerns?” she asked tentatively.
“I need you to be completely honest with me about your relationship with your wife.”
“But I’ve always been…” Diana let her words trail off when I glared over at her. “What do you want to know?”
“The truth, Diana. I honestly don’t know what it is anymore. You’ve always made your wife out to be some kind of monster. But that lady that I saw in… today. The lady that I saw today seemed like anything but that.” I cringed at myself for almost mentioning the diner.
Diana’s face twisted in confusion, as she pulled away from me a little more. “I never made my wife out to be a monster. I’ve always been very honest about the fact that I still care deeply for her. Why would I feel that way about someone who was terrible?”
She did have a point. Technically, she had never made any comments about her wife being mean or heartless. I almost started to retract my statement until I thought about everything she did tell me in the past. She may not have said her wife was bad, but that’s how she painted her out to be. “I don’t know, Diana. I guess I said that wrong. Maybe I made her out to be a monster because it made me feel a little less sucky about what we were doing. But you have to admit that the things you did tell me doesn’t make it seem like such a stretch. I was picturing the type of person who would threaten to take your daughter away from you and kick you out of your own house even though she wasn’t ever willing to make the relationship work. How much of that is even true? Because the lady I met didn’t strike me as that type of person, but then again, I might be a really bad judge of character.”
Diana winced at those last words, and I could tell they hurt her, so I finally reached over and grabbed her hand. “Just tell me the truth, please.”
Diana took a deep breath and blinked back a few tears. “I’m not sure if I said that exactly, but no, my wife never actually threatened to take my daughter away. I just worried because she could.”
I shook my head and withdrew my hand again. “When you came to stay with me before Christmas, had she really kicked you out?”
Diana groaned at this question and I could see her face hardening a bit. “She told me she needed space so she could think. But what difference does it make?”
“It makes a big difference, Diana! She had just found out you were seeing someone else. Of course she needed space. That’s completely different than kicking you out of your own house, even though I’m honestly starting to believe you deserved that.”
Anger flashed onto Diana’s face as she hopped out of the bed. “Don’t you dare put this all on me. You knew I was married. You knew I had a daughter. And you still decided to go through with it. You’re not completely innocent in all of this.”
I could feel my anger building in response to her words. “You think I don’t realize that? I feel awful about it. I always have. But I thought we had something special.” I took a deep calming breath before continuing. “You’re nice and funny and our sexual chemistry is off the charts. Not to mention the fact that we have both had to deal with parent issues.” I paused for a moment as my own words registered in my mind. “Wait… do you have issues with your parents? Do they even actually care that you’re gay?”
Diana put both hands up in the air like she was proclaiming her innocence. “Whoa. I never said that my parents have an issue with me being gay. I said that we don’t see eye to eye. If you assumed that’s what I meant, then that’s on you.”
“And what don’t you see eye to eye on, Diana?” I asked accusingly.
“They don’t agree with how I treat my relationship with my wife. There! Are you happy? I said it. Now you can make me out to be the monster.” At this poi
nt, Diana’s words were coming out much louder than normal.
I just shook my head and laughed a little. “You always have to play the victim, don’t you?”
“Whatever, Carly. So my parents didn’t kick me out when I came out to them. They did quite the opposite, honestly. They’ve always accepted me and Hailey with open arms, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have problems. Everyone has been so hard on me ever since…” Diana immediately stopped talking and her face turned a ghostly white.
“Ever since what, Diana?” I arched my eyebrow at her.
She looked toward the ground, her demeanor going from one of anger to one of embarrassment. “Ever since my wife caught me cheating on her two years ago…”
I narrowed my eyes at her and bit back my tears. I refused to let her see me cry. “You mean this is the second time you cheated?”
Diana continued to look at the floor as her face became more and more red. “If I’m being honest, it’s actually the third time…”
“That’s just great, Diana. So, that’s all I am. I’m just another person you can have your sick fun with behind your wife’s back. Were you ever actually planning on leaving her?”
Tears started to stream from Diana’s eyes again. “Of course I was. We are done. We have been for a long time. I didn’t lie about that. And I never lied about my feelings for you. I’m in love with you, Carly.”
“I can’t do this anymore, Diana,” I just barely whispered. “God. Samantha was right. I should have listened to her.”
Diana looked up at me and wiped her tear-drenched face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “So, that’s what this is about, isn’t it? I should’ve known you would choose her.”
What the hell? “What is that supposed to mean, Diana?”
She gave me the slightest hint of a smile. “Forget it. Let’s just say that I’m not sure either of us were going to be able to give ourselves fully to the other person.” She slowly walked to the other side of the bed where I was now standing and reached her arms out toward me. I reluctantly accepted and she pulled me tighter, while placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I do love you, Carly. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you the happiness that you deserve.”
I gave her one more squeeze before letting her go and watching her walk away. I didn’t have a lot of time to contemplate what had just happened or how I felt about it because within a few minutes, a call came through from my mom. “Honey,” she said weakly. “Could you plan on spending some time with me this week? I don’t think I have much…”
I immediately agreed, and as soon as I awoke the next day, I headed to my parents’. As soon as I arrived, I knew my mom wasn’t exaggerating on the phone. She was lying on the pull-out couch in the living room since she was too weak to make it up the stairs. I made my way toward the bed and her outstretched hand. When I reached her, she motioned for me to lie down beside her. It felt strange. The last time I had done this was when I was in middle school and was upset about some girls being mean to me about who knows what.
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard my dad clear his throat. “I’m going to give you guys some time. Just holler if you need me.”
I nodded my head then turned back to my mom, who promptly reached out and grabbed my hand. She slowly turned her head so she was looking at me, and that’s when I realized there were tears in her eyes.
“Carly…” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.” I shook my head slightly to tell her that she didn’t have to go down this road, but she gave me a look in return that told me I needed to let her talk. “I wish I could say I was leaving this world without any regrets, but I have so many, and they all involve you and your sister.” She took a moment to catch her breath since even speaking had become hard for her at this point. “I might not understand, but I don’t care if you’re gay. I should’ve never turned my back on you. I wish… I wish I could go back and live the past ten years over again. I wish I had time to make it up to you, but I don’t, and I’m so sorry.”
I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. I opened them again when I heard my mom sob.
“It’s not your fault what happened to your sister. I don’t blame you. I never did.”
Instead of saying anything, I squeezed her hand and moved closer to her, closing my eyes and letting myself drift to sleep. I woke a few hours later to the feeling of my dad’s hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times to bring him into focus.
“I’m going to make dinner. Would you like to stay?” His voice was flat, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was begging me to say yes. Part of me wanted to, but this had already been a lot to handle, and I didn’t think I could take it anymore.
I shook my head. “I better go.” When I saw the sadness in his eyes, I quickly added, “But soon. I promise.”
I got out of bed and walked over to the side my mom was on. When I grabbed her hand, she opened her eyes slightly. I stared into those eyes and squeezed gently on the hand in mine. “Bye, Mom.” When her eyes shut again, I leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead, then whispered, “I forgive you. Please give her a hug for me.” I turned around before I could see her reaction and made my way out of the house.
Once I was in my car, my first thought was to go see Samantha. I needed her so badly, but knew I couldn’t. She needed space, and I needed to respect that, no matter how bad it hurt. Instead, I drove to a small bar in town and posted myself on one of the many open stools.
Three very strong drinks in, I felt someone sit down in the chair beside me.
“Vodka Red Bull, please. And make it a strong one, Ron. It was a long day.”
“Cheers to that,” I slurred, lifting my drink to the girl next to me.
The girl smiled over at me, before a look of surprise entered her face. “Carly? Are you okay?”
I stared at her for a beat before she came into focus, and I realized it was Caroline sitting beside me. “I’m great,” I said with a laugh. “My mom is dying, I just broke up with my girlfriend, and my best friend hates me, but I’m sure you know all about that last one.”
“You and Diana broke up?” Caroline asked, ignoring the last part of my rant.
“Yep. Good riddance. Another mistake. They’re always a mistake.” I knew I was saying much more than I would have if I hadn’t been drinking but I was sufficiently sloshed and couldn’t stop myself. “Poor Hailey,” I continued. “Poor little Ava Smith-Cox. I hope I didn’t hurt them. I wish I could forget the pain on Hailey’s face when she realized who I was. All she wanted was to get an eye exam for her adorable daughter, and I even had to ruin that. But alas… that’s what I do. Ruin things.”
With this statement, Caroline’s eyes widened. “Did you say Hailey? Hailey Smith? That is Diana’s wife?” I nodded slowly and gave her a questioning look. “Forget about it,” Caroline said quickly. “Just trust me when I tell you that you can do much better than Diana Cox.”
After a few minutes of silence, Caroline looked over at me again. “Samantha mentioned that your mom was sick. Has she gotten worse?”
“Have you ever walked away from someone and just known it would be the last time you ever saw them alive? Like some sort of premonition or sixth sense?”
Instead of answering, Caroline reached out and put her hand on mine. “You should call Samantha. You need her right now.”
I shook my head. “Absolutely not. She said she needed space.”
Caroline sighed at my stubbornness. “I know that. But you need her. I know for a fact she would be there for you.”
I felt my shoulders drop at her words. “I know she would too, which is exactly why you can’t tell her. It wouldn’t be fair. Samantha is a good person and for once, I need to not be selfish.”
Caroline grabbed my half-empty fourth glass and moved it beyond my reach. “At least let me drive you home.”
I reluctantly agreed and the two of us rode in silence as I focused on not throwing up in her car. When we arrived at my apartment
, Caroline helped me out of the car and directed me into my apartment and onto my bed. She left the room and came back a few minutes later with a glass of water and two Tylenol. “Please take the pills and drink all of that water, and there’s a slight chance you might not wake up with a massive hangover.”
I did as she said and once the water was gone, I opened my mouth to finally speak. “I miss her so much,” I confessed.
Caroline tilted her head at me. “Diana?”
“No. Samantha. I’m not exactly sure what I did, but I know I really messed things up.” I tried to stop the next words from leaving my mouth, but couldn’t. “Samantha is amazing. You’re so lucky she’s your girlfriend.”
Caroline gave me a look that I couldn’t read and without saying another word, turned to leave my room. Before she was fully out the door, she turned back toward me. “Samantha isn’t my girlfriend. She never was. You really should talk to her, Carly.”
Before I could question her, she was gone. I was trying to comprehend what she’d just said, but my head was already pounding, so instead I allowed myself to drift off to sleep.
Chapter 29: Hailey
Caroline looked as exhausted as I felt when I arrived at our Wednesday afternoon therapy session. “Long night?” I asked, as I sat down.
“You have no idea,” she said, while lifting both eyebrows in the air.
“Want to talk about it?” Caroline probably assumed this question was my attempt at avoidance, but I sincerely wanted to know if something was bothering her. At this point, I saw her more as a friend than my therapist. Unfortunately, she probably saw me as nothing more than a client and for whatever reason, that simple fact hurt more than it should.
A small, but sincere smile settled onto Caroline’s face as she looked down at the notepad in front of her. There was also a slight pink hue that developed on her cheeks. Was that blush? No, there was no way. I knew one thing though. The thought of my question causing her to blush made butterflies flutter in my stomach. There was no denying it, no matter how badly I wanted to. That’s when it hit me—I had a crush. I’d developed a crush on a woman other than my wife and although that fact was a bit unsettling and I knew it was a crush that couldn’t go anywhere, it still felt strangely satisfying. It was nice to know that it was possible to feel even the tiniest bit toward someone else. It was a step in the right direction, a small step, but still something.
