Every Heart

by LK Collins

  “I’m sorry about Zeus. And the other day, too. It was way out of line for me to catch you off guard like that at your home. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was just going mad without you.”

  She gives me a small smile. “It’s okay, Nate. The more I thought about it, I’d probably have done the same thing. Except had it been me, I would have come to see you the second I was back in the States. Why did you wait?”

  “My parents told me that you had moved on and I wanted to respect that. At one point I’d planned on possibly never telling you. But then when I came home and I didn’t have you, I started to lose my mind. You are all that I think about, and finally one day, I just called a cab and the rest is history.”

  “Oh Nate,” she says and puts her head in her hands. I stroke her blonde hair and hope I’m not upsetting her any further. “As much as it hurts being pulled in two different directions, I’m glad to know you’re alive. I wouldn’t have wanted to go through life with you alive and me never knowing.”

  Her words give me hope. Hope that she is here to mend our relationship so we can move on to the future – together. Jesus, I’d love nothing more.

  “Then, I’m glad I told you.”

  “I’m sorry that I didn’t take Zeus to the city with me,” she says.

  “Don’t be. I’m glad I got some time with him when I got home.”

  I can’t believe she’s gone. She’s really fucking gone. My biggest fear in life is living without her and right now that is exactly what I’m fucking doing.

  I knock back another glass of Highland Park. It’s so smooth, but still not enough to take me to the level I need to relieve this pain. There are only two things in the entire world that can do that, Arion and…pills. I know I swore when I stopped taking pills that I’d never start again, but I also stopped because of Arion and now she’s gone.

  I can’t get ahold of her, she’s not texting me back like normal, and I just don’t know what to do. I could pay someone to kill Nate, that’s what I could do. Without him in my life, fucking everything up, things would be exactly as they should be. I know it’s just the Highland talking though. This was Arion’s favorite, we bought it when we moved into our condo to celebrate and she loved it so much that she wanted to savor every glass. Now here I sit, drinking it all alone.

  My phone rings again, and of course, it’s not Arion. I ignore James knowing he will leave a voicemail. Fuck, he’s so much to handle right now. I listen to it curious about what he wants.

  “Glad to hear you went to practice today. I heard you came down pretty hard on your knee again. I hope it’s doing okay.”

  As I set my phone down and take the last drink of my ten thousand dollar bottle of Scotch, something clicks. I know that I shouldn’t do this, but I have to find some relief somehow. I function well on pills and if the team prescribes them to me, then I can’t get in trouble for taking them.

  I grab my phone and scroll through the contacts ’til I land on the team physician’s number. It might be a long shot, but what the hell. I clear my throat while it rings, hoping I sound sober enough to talk to him.

  “Hello,” he answers.

  “Hey Lawrence, it’s Bain Adams.”

  “Hey Bain, how are you, man? Is your knee doing okay?”

  “Actually that’s why I called…it’s not feeling great. I’ve been icing it since I got home today, but it’s been killing me. The ice has kept the swelling down, but Jesus, it’s sore.”

  “I was worried about that. Do you want to swing by my office before I leave and I’ll check it out? I can do a quick x-ray and maybe I could give you something for the pain.”

  “Yeah, I think that would be best.”

  He gives me the address to his office, then we hang up.

  I hop up thankful that my knee doesn’t really hurt. I head into the bathroom and look into the mirror, studying my own reflection as it stares back at me. Fuck, I look buzzed, so I turn on the shower and hop in right when it’s cold, hoping the jolt will sober me up. Damn, it burns, but at this point, I’d give anything to feel something other than my own heart being torn from my chest.

  My body is shivering and I’m wide awake. As I turn the water off and get out, I envision Arion is in front of me. I can see her soaking in our large tub, so comfortable and relaxed and beautiful. I know with shit like this happening, I need these fucking pills.

  I finish getting ready and then head downstairs, hailing a cab to Lawrence’s office. I rub my knee as the driver weaves in and out of the crowded New York streets. I hope this will make it red so it doesn’t completely look like I am lying. Even though I totally am.

  His office is just a few blocks from the condo, I could have walked, but considering my fake injury, I chose not to. Plus, I’m not 100% steady on my feet at the moment.

  After I pay the driver and crane my neck looking up the length of his tall office building, I take a mental note to never buy another bottle of Highland Park. Pull your shit together. It’s a quick elevator ride up to the 17th floor and as soon as the doors open, I spot his office.

  Walking in, the décor is modern and there is no one behind the receptionist’s desk. Then Lawrence rounds the corner.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks me.

  “I’m good, just having some pain in there,” I respond following him back to an exam room.

  “Let’s get an x-ray first,” he tells me. Right away I fear the worst. I know it’s not gonna show anything. But I’m here, so I let him do his thing.

  “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice,” I tell him.

  “It’s not a problem, I do what I can for my players. Let’s go in here,” he says after we are all done with the x-ray.

  I sit on the exam table while he pulls the image up on his laptop. “Has it been bugging you before today?” I shake my head and then the image appears.

  “Here we go. See here?” he says pointing at the screen. “You have an awful lot of scar tissue. That may explain why your knee may bother you and swell up at times, and it probably always will. But thankfully, nothing is torn or broken. I think you just tweaked it pretty good. I’m gonna give you a prescription for some Percocet. I think a few days of rest and by Monday, you should be good to return slowly. How does that sound?”

  “It sounds great, Doc.” I keep my words short, in hopes that he doesn’t catch on to that fact that I am drunk.

  “Good,” he says and signs a prescription. “Call me any time day or night if anything should worsen, okay?”

  “Thank you.” I slowly get off of the table, making sure on my way out to limp.

  As I head back down, I feel guilty. This is the same feeling I got when I first started to take pills. But deep down I know the benefits that they provide me. They did back when I lost Kinsey, and I know they’ll help now.

  I wake to the sound of my phone ringing. My face is pressed into the carpet. I’m sprawled out, half-dressed, and can barely remember what I did last night. Maybe it was the alcohol. Fuck, no, it was the pills. Dammit, I cannot believe that I gave in the way that I did. My phone rings again. Maybe it’s Arion calling, so I will myself to get up, but then it stops and I let my body collapse against the floor.

  As I glance around the house, everything is a mess. There are things broken and I know I got out of control last night. Then I turn my head to the right and next to me is a picture of Arion. It’s my favorite. She’s absolutely breathtaking in it. I took it when we were on vacation. She’s staring through a window, light eyes, messy hair, and nothing but love shines from her. That was when everything was different. Now, here I lay with nothing but a fucking picture to console me. Christ, my life is wrecked without her.

  My body is so jacked up from sleeping on the floor. I don’t care what happens, I’m never taking pills again. I get up and my phone rings again. I spot it right away on the bed and pray that it is her. My heart is telling me that it is. I answer right away.

  “Baby?”

  “Bain?”
My mother’s tone is broken, she almost sounds like she’s been drinking.

  “Mom, is everything okay?”

  “No, baby, it’s not. It’s really not.”

  “What’s the matter? Why have you been calling me over and over?”

  “I only called you once.”

  She sniffles and I ask again, “What’s the matter, Mom?”

  “That asshole took a plea deal.”

  “What? For how long?”

  “Not long enough, something crazy like twelve to twenty years.”

  “Fuck,” I snap and sink to my knees, my back leaning against the frame of our bed. “That fucking asshole fucking killed her.”

  “I know,” she says crying. “It’s not long enough.”

  “Mom, it doesn’t matter what they sentenced him to, it’d never be long enough. Does Dad know?”

  “No, I have to call him now.”

  “Do you want me to come down there?”

  “No, you stay home and take care of yourself and Arion. I’m gonna call your dad. If you talk to the DA, will you please let me know if she says anything new.”

  “I will, Mom.”

  We hang up and my mom’s words replay in my mind, Take care of Arion. I can’t do that if she isn’t here, but I couldn’t tell my mom. I check the call log and notice she is the one who called. Right away I dial her back. My body courses with anxiety. I’ve been waiting for what feels like forever to talk to her.

  “Hey,” she answers in a quiet tone.

  I almost cry at the sound of her voice. “Hey,” I respond back, trying to keep myself calm.

  “How are you?” she asks me.

  “Baby, I can’t answer that. I need you here.”

  “I’m sorry, Bain.”

  “Me too,” I whisper.

  “Are you coming home soon?”

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I woke up missing you and needed to hear your voice.”

  “God, I miss you. You have no idea how brutal it is without you. You should come home. Please.”

  She’s quiet for a moment, then says, “I need to make my mind up first.”

  “What’s to figure out?”

  “Come on, Bain, don’t be a dick.”

  “It’s a legit question.”

  “I need to sort everything out in my head. I’ve only seen Nate once.”

  That’s why she wanted to go to Aubrey’s, so that she could be close to him. Fuck, I’m slowly losing her. She is slipping from my grasp.

  “Are you there?” she asks.

  “I’m here. I’m just a little shocked that you are hanging out with him, that’s all.”

  “It’s not like that, our dog died, so I had to go over there.”

  “Oh…I’m sorry, baby. Listen I’m probably not the best person to be talking to right now. I’m not myself when I’m not with you and I got some really shitty news about the trial just now, then you tell me that you are hanging out with Nate. It’s all a lot to handle. Arion, please remember what you promised me.”

  “Of course. Bain, I’m sorry.”

  “Me too,” I tell her and hang up angrily, cutting her off as she begins to speak again.

  I know deep down that this isn’t the way that I should be acting, but I don’t give a fuck at this point. She won’t come home.

  I look out into the rest of the house and spot the bottle of pills that Lawrence gave me. I know I said I wouldn’t do it just minutes ago, but I also never expected hearing that the asshole who took Kinsey’s life would be getting a fucking measly twelve years in jail then out walking the earth. Then Arion tells me that she’s seen Nate and isn’t coming straight home and it’s all too much to handle. I open the bottle of pills and pour them into my hand, counting how many I have left. Damn, I took twice as many as I should have last night. No wonder I crashed on the carpet.

  I decide on popping a few right now. I’m actually excited for the high that I’m about to receive. That’s the beauty of pills. They give you something to look forward to. Even in the depths of despair, the darkest of all days, one tiny white pill can shine light on you like the sun does from up above.

  I begin with two pills and head to the couch. Soon, that’s not enough and I take another two. Letting the sensation of my euphoric high take over. If I close my eyes for long enough, I can feel Arion on top of me. This is right where I want to be, with her, always and forever.

  With my head in my hands, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been up for half of the night trying to decide between Bain and Nate. The problem is that both of them are so amazing and I love them both so much that the decision is agonizing.

  Aubrey finally wakes up, walking into the living room with a messy mound of her brown hair piled on top of her head. “Morning,” she says.

  “Hi.” I roll over and pull my feet up so she can sit next to my feet.

  “How did you sleep?”

  I can’t help but laugh. “I didn’t.”

  “Damn, I’m sorry, girl. Did you talk to Bain?”

  “Yeah. Finally, this morning he called.”

  “And?”

  “He’s not good, at all.”

  “I can imagine. I hate to say it, but you really need to make a decision. I mean, what’s the point of waiting any longer?”

  “I know I need to, but saying it and doing it are two totally different things.”

  “I know. Let’s talk about things.”

  “I really don’t think I want to right now,” I tell her being completely honest. I’m tired from not sleeping and am not sure my brain can function enough to make such a life affecting decision.

  “Well, tough shit, you need to. You’re the one that has to make this decision, no one else. You can’t leave these two hanging like you have. Especially if Bain isn’t doing well.”

  I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling, thinking of her question. My heart aches for both Nate and Bain, and I know as much as I keep making excuses for not deciding, I need to. Being in Nate’s arms was so comforting, it was everything I used to have with him. From the way he held me, to how he looked in my eyes.

  But then there is Bain and the fire he puts inside of me is something on an entire different level. I melt at the pure sight of him and that’s not to mention what his touch does to me.

  “So what does your gut tell you right off the bat?” she asks me.

  “I love them both, I really do. But I love them in different ways. I waited for Nate for almost a year and during that time I ached for him. Every ounce of who I was needed him. He never came back to me. Then Bain emerged into my life and I fought my feelings for him with all of my might. But everything about Bain is powerful, and I failed, succumbing to him and everything that he is.”

  “I don’t think you can ever love two people the same. Even parents, they love their children differently. I mean, look at me and my sister, for instance. Polar opposites.”

  “The problem is, I do love them both.”

  “Who do you see your future with?”

  “I had everything planned out with Nate. He asked me to marry him, we talked about kids and how we wanted to grow old together. With Bain, I don’t know what he wants. We haven’t talked about those sort of things.”

  “Arion, does any of that really matter, or is this about taking each day as they come and being happy while you do it? What’s meant to be will be. I mean, who cares what you’ve talked about, because God can rip it all away at any moment and there is nothing you can do.”

  “You’re right. This is about whom I wholeheartedly love. Regardless of the past, or the future. I think I know what I need to do.”

  “Good, you know I support you regardless of your decision.”

  “I know. Would you mind if I had Nate come over here? So we could have some privacy? I’m sure his mom is home and I want to talk to him without anyone lurking.”

  “Of course you can. I’m actually headed to the gym.”

  Aubrey walks off and I dial
Nate’s house number. It rings a few times, then he answers. “Hey, how are you?” I ask him.

  “I’m better now. Is this for real, are you really calling here?”

  “Oh stop it, Nate. Listen, I need to see you, can you come over to Aubrey’s?”

  “Of course I can. Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  We hang up and I give Aubrey a hug on her way out. She asks what my decision is. I knew it would be too long for her to wait without knowing who I’ve chosen. She looks at me with genuine happiness in her eyes and says, “Stay strong, A.”

  “I will.”

  I know it won’t take Nate long to get here, so I do the best that I can and pull myself together. Then as I finish brushing my teeth, I hear a knock on the door. Right away, my stomach goes into my throat.

  I head towards it and as I stare at the white paint, I exhale and pray what I am doing is right. Nate knocks again, clearly impatient. I open it and look into his eyes.

  So bright and clear, messy hair and rough face, even skinny, he can take my breath away. He really is beautiful and will make someone happy, unfortunately I love Bain so much and because of that, it won’t be me. I hold back the tears, knowing what I have to do, and put on a fake smile for him. You can do this, A.

  “Hi,” he says, with a smile and sparkling eyes.

  “Hi,” I say, barely choking out the word. I welcome him in and then hug him, wondering if one more embrace will help anything at all. Maybe it will change my feelings? But as he gently holds me back, I know we can both tell it’s not the same as it used to be.

  I guess it’s because we’re both so different now. He smells like Nate, a scent I dreamed about for a long time, but even smelling that scent again doesn’t compare to the ravishing yearning I have inside of me for Bain. He does something different to me. I wish I would have seen that sooner and wouldn’t have run away like I did.

  “Come in,” I tell him stepping out of the way. I feel bad seeing the back of him and how you can tell that part of his leg is missing. As I close the door and turn to him, I lead us to the couch. “Let’s sit,” I tell him.