Every Heart

by LK Collins

  On the drive, I can’t imagine what happened to Bain. An accident? What in the world could have happened to put him in the hospital? Did someone hurt him, but how, or why? Oh my fucking god. My breathing is starting to increase and I worry that the reason he is in the hospital is somehow because of me. I should have never left him or our home. Although I tried to stay in contact, I could tell that the separation was a lot on him.

  Tears stream down my cheeks and I know a full-blown panic attack is creeping in, but I can’t let it take me over, not with Bain on the line. Regardless of what or how or why he’s in the hospital, he is going to need me, so I have to be strong for him.

  I can’t believe that after all we have been through and I finally know that I want to be with him more than anything, this is happening. Sitting in the back of the cab watching the streets of New York fly by me, this drive feels like it’s taking forever. When in actuality it only takes the driver a few minutes ’til he pulls in front of the hospital.

  Just as fast as I entered the cab, I fling open my door and run through the double doors of the Emergency Room. Inside it’s crammed with people. Looking around, I try and spot someone with authority. Finally, I do and remember to keep my composure, wiping the tears away from under my eyes. A dark-haired woman passes me a clipboard and says, “Fill this out and wait your turn.”

  “What?” I snap back. “No, my boyfriend, he was brought here.”

  She looks at me and shakes her head in clear frustration. My insides heat with anger. What the fuck is her problem? If she doesn’t like helping people why in God’s name is she working at a hospital? “What’s his name?” she asks without looking at me.

  “Bain Adams,” I respond in a quieter tone hoping that no one heard me.

  She types on her computer, then says, “I need to see your ID, to give you a visitor’s pass.” Quickly, I yank it out of my wallet and hand it to her. I can’t help but glare at her as she slowly moves her fingers over the keys of the keyboard. Finally, she prints me a sticker and hands it back to me with my ID.

  “He’s in room 210, but you need to check in with the triage nurse. I’ll open those doors over there for you. It’s straight down the hall.”

  I nod my head once and jog to the doors, waiting in front of them. Once they open, I’m off and down the hall. Screw checking in with anyone else, I need to get to Bain. My eyes scan the room numbers. These are in the high 100’s then the hallway ends and I come to the nurses’ station. No one looks at me and I scan the room numbers again, 204, 206, 208, then 210. My stomach drops. I rush in, pulling the curtain back, but it’s empty. What the fuck? No, this has to be a fucking mistake.

  Where is he? Where the fuck is he? Why isn’t he here? My mind spirals, a million different scenarios taking place all too fast. My breathing quickens, bringing me to my knees. I place my face in my hands and fear the worst. This cannot be happening.

  My body feels out of itself. It’s just like the day I found out about Nate, when the military told us he’d died. I remind myself to stay positive. She wouldn’t have given me a room number if something had happened to him. With everything I have, I lift my lifeless self off of the floor – I need to stay positive for Bain. My head spins as I stand on my own two feet, but I maintain my balance while focusing. I’m here for Bain, I’m here for Bain, I’m here for Bain, I repeat over and over to myself.

  I head back to where I guess I should have started, the nurses’ station. Looking around, this place is slammed. It’s busy with nurses moving all around and every room that has the curtain open is occupied. I round the corner looking for anyone to help. Behind the counter is a shorter nurse, studying the screen of a computer. “Excuse me?” I ask, my voice is broken and I clear my throat.

  “How can I help you?” she automatically responds without even looking at me.

  “I’m trying to locate Bain Adams.” She looks at me right away and then back at the computer.

  “Are you related?”

  “Yes, I’m his girlfriend.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m not his nurse. All I know is he’s in surgery. Sit tight in the waiting room.” She points to a light blue room with a flat screen TV and chairs lining the walls. “His doctor will be in soon, to talk to you.”

  “Surgery?” I blurt out.

  She nods her head and walks off. I stand at the counter stunned for God only knows how long. My world hangs in the balance of this hospital. Surgery is the only word that my mind focuses on.

  “Arion?” Jack calls my name and I turn to see him and Renee running towards me.

  The tears that are streaming down my face run that much faster and I collapse into the arms of Bain’s parents. Both Jack and Renee can tell that something is terribly wrong. As I cling to them, I fear the worst. My world shakes. I’m terrified at the thought that Bain could be taken from me. I thought losing Nate was hard, but Bain…he is my everything, he is the air I breathe, the light that I see. He’s my solace in this fucked up world that I cannot bear alone.

  “What happened?” his dad asks, slightly pulling away to look at me.

  I shake my head, “I don’t know. All I’ve been told is he’s in surgery.”

  Renee sobs and I try to maintain myself when I hear a doctor in the waiting room say, “Adams!”

  We all look in his direction and basically bolt across the room towards him needing answers.

  “I really don’t understand the fucking point,” I snap at my psychologist as he studies me above a thin wire-rimmed pair of glasses that sit on the bridge of his nose.

  “Maybe it will help? That’s all I’m saying.”

  I chuckle under my breath, tired of his games and sit up. “Look at me – I have one fucking leg, I barely weigh over a hundred and thirty pounds, and I just lost the love of my life. Nothing is going to help me, you understand?”

  He writes something down and then looks at me. “What?” I ask. “What are you always writing down about me?”

  “Notes, for your treatment. Nathaniel, I’m concerned for you. You’re extremely angry, it’s not like you.”

  “Well, like I just fucking said, look at me – I lost Arion and I’m a bit of a fucking mess,” I grit.

  “I am looking at you and you look just fine to me. You need to learn to adapt to things now. Nothing is going to change going forward if you continue to act like this.”

  I shake my head, pissed that he isn’t understanding where I am coming from. I’m tired of being the reserved guy. I’m tired of keeping quiet. No more. I’ve told him time and time again that since my reason for existence is gone, I’m angry. Hell, I’m more than angry. I’m fed up with the world. I mean, how can I not be? I love her and there is nothing that I could’ve done to change things. When you love someone the way I love Arion, it’s what you do. It’s what’s right.

  “Shall we at least try and finish today’s session?”

  Looking at the door, I’m really contemplating leaving. But how will that help me? I’m here for a reason. Not only does the military want me to be, but I told my parents I would keep trying.

  Lying back down on the couch, I close my eyes.

  “I want you to focus on going back to a memory with Arion. Preferably, when you first fell in love, but anything will do.”

  I close my eyes and there she is – again. Her gorgeous face haunts me day and night. Long, blonde hair, clear skin, light eyes, and those lips. So plump that my cock twitches thinking about them. Seeing her so pure and beautiful absolutely kills me and the fact that I cannot be with her, well, that is where my anger is coming from.

  “Where are you, Nate?” Roger asks me.

  “With Arion.”

  “Where?”

  “It’s dark.”

  “Look around, what do you see.”

  “Stars and waves. The ocean, we’re at the ocean and…it’s night.”

  “Good. What are you two doing?”

  “Running and laughing, and we…we…keep looking back.”

&nb
sp; As I run along with Arion, everything is as it was before I left. I know I never should have left. All though joining the military was to give us a better, more stable future, it didn’t do that. It was ultimately the end for us and almost the end for me.

  “Suddenly we stop. In front of us are tons of different sand castles, all lit up.”

  “What is she saying?” Roger asks.

  “I…I can’t make it out.”

  “Talk to her, Nate. This is where I need you to break through!”

  “I’m trying, it’s like she can’t hear me.”

  I sit down on the sand and Arion follows, sitting on my lap.

  “Louder, Nathaniel.”

  I ignore Roger and focus on listening, trying to be part of the conversation.

  “Come on, Nate,” Roger orders.

  I try with all of my might, but quickly I am getting pulled away. Then before my eyes, I watch myself morph into Bain and I hear him loud and clear. Arion, will you marry me?

  “No,” I yell and jump between the two of them, except when I move, my leg is gone and I collapse hitting the sand.

  Looking up with pain in my eyes, I watch Anion nod her head and then throw herself around him. Yes! she repeats over and over, kissing him.

  Sitting on the cold, wet sand, I watch how happy the two of them are and fade away, like a ghost that was never there. Opening my eyes, the beautiful scenery of the ocean and the night is gone, replaced before my eyes is the blank white ceiling of Roger’s office.

  I knew this is what would happen. Roger wanted me to break things off with Arion. He thought it would subconsciously disconnect me from her, but I disagreed because I knew in my gut this is what would happen. This is how things are always going to be. She is my one and only. She always has been and she always will be.

  “That’s all the time we have for today,” Roger says. In my opinion it’s another hour wasted of my life. “I’d like to see you before your next scheduled appointment,” Roger says as I collect my crutches.

  “Don’t you think this was enough?”

  “I do, but you’re close to a breakthrough and I’d like to talk about it. Would you schedule something with Melinda on your way out?”

  I nod my head and leave. Even though it sucks coming here, at least I have something to look forward, a reason to wake up and leave the house.

  Melinda is smiling at me as I walk up to her.

  “I need to schedule with Roger before my next appointment.”

  “How does Thursday at ten work?”

  “That’s fine,” I tell her, knowing I don’t have a doctor’s appointment or anything else going on. “Have a wonderful day, Nathaniel,” she says, handing me a card with my appointment information on it.

  Taking the elevator down, the same numbness sticks around. It’s been there since I last saw Arion. A sickening, empty, feeling of…nothingness. I wish I had her to turn to right now. She’s all I’ve ever depended on. On the drive home, I think back to how good things were before I ever left. Going back to that time on the beach with her and seeing her face reminded me of how things used to be. I know I will never have what I had with Arion with anyone else. But maybe there is a chance that her feelings will change and maybe we could come back together. You never know what the future holds and believe me, that’s all I want. Right now, I know her heart is with Bain. It’s not with me and I might have to learn to accept that. But nothing is set in stone.

  “Is this normal?” Arion asks.

  “It can be, yes, and considering how much blood he lost during surgery, I’m not surprised. Just give his body a little more time. He’ll come around.” I’m groggy. Everything is foggy and my entire body hurts. The man’s voice I don’t recognize, but Arion’s I know loud and clear. Wait, surgery…what’s going on? I realize that I can’t open my eyes. I can’t see anything. Darkness surrounds me and then I try to move, but nothing happens.

  Fuck! This is the scariest feeling ever. “Talk to him. Remember how important that is to bringing him out of this.”

  “I have been, for days, and nothing’s happened,” Arion says.

  She has? What? I don’t remember any of it. What in the hell happened to me? I fight with all of my might, to give her some sort of a sign that I am here and I can hear her. Trying to force myself awake while jogging my memory at the same time…then it hits me. She’s here. She is here with me and I don’t hear Nate’s voice.

  “Thank you, doctor,” she says. I can feel her hand wrapped around mine; it is as tight as I’ve ever felt.

  There is silence between us, but it doesn’t last long, small sobs reel out of her. Although she is trying to keep quiet, I can hear her clear as a bell. Dammit, why can’t I move? Then I feel something heavy on my stomach and I realize that it’s her head. She cries on top of me and it pains me to the point of breaking. Why can I feel and hear her, but I can’t do anything?

  Frustrated, I am lost and confused at what’s going on. Then all at once it happens. My eyes open, and before me is a bright ceiling, lights shining down on us. The brightness hurts and it forces me to close them. I slowly move my stiff neck to my left, and try again. There is a machine, with cords and lines feeding in and out of it, and then I look down. There she is, my Arion.

  “Please come back to me, Bain,” she sobs into me.

  I will my arm to move and thankfully it does. Reaching for her hurts like hell, but I weave my fingers into her blonde hair. It’s messy and untamed, just the way I like it. Once I’m rewarded with her softness, I show no restraint gripping her hair and right away she looks up at me, blinking a few times and then grabs my face looking deep into my eyes. “Oh, baby,” she says in an uneasy tone.

  I grunt from the impact of her body as she hugs me, but holding her washes the pain away. “Sssshhhh,” I respond in an attempt to calm her. My chest burns, God does it ever. I am weak, but simply holding on to her is the best feeling ever.

  Together we just cling to each other, then she pulls away and looks me deep in the eyes. The pain inside of me becomes almost unbearable and Arion begins to panic as she reads it on my face. Reaching over me, she presses the nurse call button.

  “It’s okay, baby. Just calm down, they’ll give you something for the pain.”

  I nod my head, keeping my eyes focused only on hers, as a nurse comes into the room. She starts to ask Arion what happened, and I do my best to keep my eyes on hers but…

  “What happened?” I ask her.

  “You passed out from the pain.”

  “Well, that part I gathered. But, how did I end up in here? I can’t remember anything after leaving the house, when I went for a run.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jesus, Bain. That’s scary. You were running and you got hit by a car.”

  “What?” I snap, completely confused and shocked that I cannot remember any of it.

  “Yeah, you didn’t stop at an intersection. That’s when a car hit you.”

  “It was the pills,” I say ashamed, but knowing that I need to be completely honest with her.

  “I know, I saw the house, but none of that matters. You’re okay now.”

  “I am, since you’re here. Are my injuries bad?”

  “Kinda. Thankfully, the car wasn’t going very fast, but you hit your head, which is what knocked you out, and the impact ruptured your spleen.”

  “Fuck, I can’t believe I don’t remember any of it,” I look down at my body, but it is underneath a blanket, so nothing is visible to me.

  “Oh, baby. I’m so, so sorry, but you’re alive and you’ll be okay.

  “I don’t understand, how I would have run into an intersection.”

  “It’s my fault, I should have never left. I should have stayed at home like you asked.”

  “It is not your fault. Please don’t ever think that. I’m the one who did this.”

  “Thank you for saying that, but if I was home, none of this would have happened. Please know how sorry I
am. I can’t tell you how scary this has been, I really thought I was going to lose you. When I got here, your room was empty because you were in surgery, but I didn’t know that and I thought the worst.”

  “Didn’t someone tell you that?”

  “No, but I didn’t stop to let them. Since you were bleeding internally, they had to go in immediately to find out why. After being in there they realized it was your spleen, but it took some time to figure that out, and in the process you lost a lot of blood.”

  “God, this is just so much to process,” I tell her, exhaling loudly.

  “It’s my fault and I can’t apologize enough.”

  “No, it’s not. Plus, it doesn’t matter now. You’re here and that’s what’s important. I’m scared to ask what you decided, but I have to know.”

  “I’m sorry I left. It was wrong and dumb of me, especially since this happened. Nate and I both know where my heart lies and that makes things a lot easier for both of us.”

  Hearing her say those words spins my world upside down. My breathing becomes quick and the machine to my left starts to beep erratically. I can’t lose her. She chose him.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” she asks me.

  With my eyebrows creased and tears welling in my eyes, I can’t bring myself to say the words. She grabs my face and looks deep into my eyes. Then a nurse bursts into my room. Arion jumps away from me and I can’t help but look at her. She’s crying like I am and the nurse takes my attention away from her.

  “Bain, I’m Sharon1. What’s the matter?”

  I blink a few times, willing myself to look away from Arion. “Nothing, I’m okay, just sore.”

  “That’s to be expected. You took a hard hit. Your heart rate is a bit elevated. I’m going to look at your wound, okay?”

  I nod my head and look down as the nurse lifts a bandage and examines me. The second I see what she is looking at, I become woozy and let my head fall back, looking at Arion instead. She mouths the words, I love you to me and instantly makes everything better.