“Hey Beck’s your on in ten.” A voice called from behind a curtain.
“Ok.” I called back placing the handset onto the dressing table and reached for a can of hairspray, the phone vibrated, then again and again after that, I froze as it kept on buzzing, one message after another until it fell silent. I picked it up, twenty seven messages. Taking a deep breath I pressed a finger to the screen. Five from mum, twenty two from Lana. Skipping past the ones from my panicking mother who was by now threatening to phone the police even though I had called her landline reassuring her I was fine several times, I tapped on Lana’s name.
You have to answer the phone Rebecca, this is not what it seems. Please. Xxx
Rebecca please msg me back, I went to your place, there’s nobody there. I’m worried. I couldn’t go to the police, I have no evidence other than my word against his! I wanted to tell you but thought you would tie me in with him, I’m nothing like him, I don’t even know him. Miranda was lying. Please answer me!!
It’s been days. I have been to every hospital anywhere remotely near here, I have even rang the police station! Seriously if you don’t want to speak to me that’s fine just please tell me you’re ok!
My phone began to ring as I scrolled upwards, Lana’s name flashed across the screen, my finger hovered over the button to answer before flicking to the left and lifting the handset up to my ear.
“Hello.” I said as firmly as I could.
“Jesus Rebecca where the fuck are you? Do you realise how worried I have been about you!?” Lana was sobbing.
“I’m fine.” I told her.
“Where are you?” She asked.
“It doesn’t matter where I am, I’m ok that’s all that matters isn’t it? That’s all you wanted to know.” I tried to sound cold.
“No that’s not all I wanted to know.” Lana sighed. “Rebecca, please just tell me where you are and I’ll come and get you we can talk.”
“No, I don’t need you to come and get me!” I barked.
“Beck’s your on in two minutes.” The security guard stuck his head through the curtain signalling me to come out of the dressing room.
“You’re on? What does that mean?” Lana said quickly. “Rebecca what have you done?”
“I have to go.” I pressed the phone down hastily a rush of embarrassment colouring my face, I reached out and grabbed the small mirror from beside my makeup eyeing the white powder resting against the surface.
“Becks!” The man shouted again.
“OK!” I yelled back leaning down and sniffing hard, I rubbed the tip of my nose feeling the trickle of chemicals at the back of my throat.
“Hey what’s happening?” Gem pushed through the curtain and strode into the narrow room.
“Nothing I was just….” I stuttered as she picked up the mirror and wiped the surface against the denim of her shorts.
“You were just getting ready huh?” She smiled and leant forwards to kiss me. The screen of my phone lit up, the handset juddering against the wood, Lana’s name appeared.
“You put your phone back on?” Gem straightened up and ran her hand over the back of my hair.
“Yeah.” I sat back in my seat feeling my heart race into my throat.
“Beck’s!” The man called again more urgently as a tall blonde woman glistening sweat jogged into the room and reached for a towel.
“She’s coming!” Gem growled. “Babe you need to go on.”
“Yeah.” I stood up pushing the chair back straightening out my hair so that it was sleek around my face, with the platform heels on I towered above Gem I tried to smile and headed out onto the stage. The heat from the crowd rose up to meet me, the pink and blue lights swept across my face as the music began to play. It was another girls only night, I looked out over the half empty tables and saw the familiar faces of the women who came in every Tuesday Wednesday and Friday, the older couple caught my eye and smiled gently, I noticed their hands linked atop the table and smiled back unsure whether I was impressed at the relationship they shared or a little weirded out, date night, let’s go to the strip club? I dipped my hips low sliding onto my knees rolling my head and getting lost in the beat of the music.
“Hello?” Gem answered the phone.
“Rebecca?” Lana queried.
“She’s a little busy at the moment can I take a message?” Gem pushed around a lipstick making it spin across the wood.
“Yeah I’m supposed to be meeting her but I can’t remember the name of the place she said to grab her from?” Lana asked.
“The diamond lounge?” Gem asked.
“Oh yeah that was it, thanks.” The phone went dead.
I pulled at my jeans, they stuck to my skin with the heat and I had to wiggle to get them on.
“Hey Beck’s are you coming for some food?” Gem asked, she had her arm slung around the blonde girl’s shoulder and was letting her fingers run up and down her collar bone.
“I think I’m going to call it a night.” I said pulling a jumper over my head and pushing my arms through.
“Are you sure we can’t tempt you?” Gem asked suggestively pulling in the giggling blonde and sliding her hand under the edge of her top, she was new.
I shook my head and turned away.
“Your loss.” Gem laughed and headed out. I pulled my hair back into a bun tying it tightly, my face in the mirror looked drawn, pale, with heavy black liner coating my eyelids and a pink gloss clinging to my lips I rubbed at it, this person in the mirror, I didn’t recognise anymore.
I got to my feet and headed out into the night, flicking off the lights in the dressing room as I went. The streets were buzzing with people, crowding around doorways and shivering in lines, I lit a cigarette and tugged the collar of my coat higher to sit just below my ears.
“Rebecca?” I froze, recognising the voice, for a moment I debated walking away but I turned slowly around and there she was, standing nervously with her hands tucked deep into her pockets her breath frosting on the air, as statuesque and beautiful as ever.
“How did you know where I was?” I asked.
“Your friend answered your phone.” She nudged the toe of her shoe into a crack in the paving slabs.
“Oh.” I said, taking another pull of the cigarette and blowing it up into the sky.
“What are you doing here?” Lana stepped forwards and reached out for my hand. “This isn’t you.”
“You don’t know me, you don’t know if this is me.” I hissed recoiling from her touch.
She looked wounded. “You’re different. Your eyes are huge, are you taking something?” Lana grabbed hold of my arm and with her other hand cupped my face.
“I’m fine.” I lied pulling out of her grip.
“Get in the car.” She took hold of me again but this time pushed me forwards opening the door and shoving me inside.
“Jesus!” I exclaimed as she slammed the door shut.
Lana slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine, spinning away from the crowds and onto the main road, we sat in silence as the faces of people cueing outside bars melted past in blurs of noise and colour.
“Please tell me that you were just bartending there?” Lana kept her gaze fixed on the darkened road ahead.
“No.” I raised my head and blew out smoke. The window next to me buzzed open a little as Lana pressed a button.
“What do you mean no?” She glanced at me quickly her hands tightening against the wheel.
“I mean no I wasn’t serving drinks.” I was enjoying watching her agitation. “I was, performing.” I said carefully.
“What the fuck Rebecca!” She shouted tears dotting her eyes, she swung the car into a layby with a screech and slammed the brakes on turning to face me.
“It’s just a job.” I tried to remain looking aloof but my heart was thundering.
“No it’s not, nothing like that is ever just a job. That woman, the one who answered the phone she was the one that came out before you wasn’t she?
The one with the blonde dangling off her arm?” I nodded. “What is she the manager or something? Is that what you’re into now?”
“Something like that.” I flicked the burnt down cigarette out into the night, silence fell between us.
“Were you fucking her?” Lana winced as she asked the question and my enjoyment at her pain instantly evaporated.
“It doesn’t matter what was going on.” I began but Lana interrupted.
“Did you fuck her Rebecca it’s a simple question?” Her voice raised.
“No, I never did anything to her.” I blushed and looked out of the fogged up window.
“But she did to you right?” Lana leant forwards and put her head in her hands, I stayed silent. After a few minutes she looked up, tears streaking her face. “Can I have a cigarette?” She asked. I pulled two from the pack, lit one and passed it to her, then lit the other for myself.
“So are you gay in general now?” there was a hardness to her voice.
“I was just in a club and met her.” I muttered.
“Was it like with us?” Lana asked quietly.
“No.” I answered. “It wasn’t anything, it didn’t mean anything.” Lana snorted back a laugh.
“Sex always means something Rebecca, it might not mean love but it always means something.” She shook her head.
“No it didn’t I swear.” I was leaning forwards now willing her to believe me I reached for her hand. “It wasn’t like that, it was just a few times, a few quick fumbles, I’ve never even been in a bed with her.” I frowned, realising how meaningless it had actually been.
“What are you taking?” Lana asked staring at me.
“Nothing.” I looked away.
“Don’t lie to me.” She said quickly. “Is it cocaine?”
I nodded ashamedly. “How much are you doing?” She asked unperturbed.
“A few lines.” I mumbled.
“So what is it, some drugs, a quick fumble and get on stage?” She spat. I tried to pull the door handle but it wouldn’t budge.
“Let me out I don’t have to listen to this shit.” I yelled.
“Yes you do, you need to hear it out loud so it gets into your brain what you are actually doing. So what is it once, twice a week?” She grabbed my arm and twisted me around to face her.
“Every night.” I was shouting but tears were at my eyes. “Every night I do it, is that what you wanted to know? I get up on the stage and I let people look at me because that’s all I am isn’t it, a piece of meat. It doesn’t matter what they think of me or who’s looking, because if they want me they can have me, isn’t that how it goes?” I was crying now.
“Rebecca.” Lana leant across and pulled me into her. “You didn’t do anything else in there did you?”
“Get off me! You don’t even really care!” I sobbed.
“I love you.” She told me. “I love you and I can’t bear watching you hurt like this, I know I’m a huge part to blame but I want to try and fix that.” I struggled but Lana held me tightly against her. I breathed in a shuddering breath as I tried to control my tears, the skin on her neck was soft against my cheek I turned my head and brushed my lips against it.
“I never did anything else, it was just dancing I didn’t even take my underwear off.” I whispered, I felt Lana breathe a sigh of relief. “When did you find out?” I asked her. “About him being your brother?”
“Not until that party, that’s why his mother hit me because I called him out for what he is. I’d of smacked him stupid if I could have got at him.” Lana said. “I didn’t know how to tell you how could I even begin to explain, I didn’t really know what was going on and then you were pregnant and I was worried you wouldn’t want me around, I thought once the baby was born I could tell you, that you’d see I was serious and I could be with you to stand against them, because there would be proof.” She was stammering, her words tumbling over one and other. I lifted my face and pressed my hand to her cheek seeing the honesty in her eyes.
“It’s ok.” I whispered.
“No it’s not! Miranda lied to you. I did go to speak to her but only to find out what she knew about my father and why she hadn’t already told me.” Lana stared into my eyes.
“I believe you.” I said evenly, I was focused on her lips and she seemed to notice the change in me, I ran my thumb over the dimple in her chin. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.” She narrowed her eyes at me as I lowered my fingertips to the collar of her coat and pulled at the zip.
“Rebecca, what are you doing?” She muttered.
“I had to run, I couldn’t be in that flat staring at the walls. I couldn’t see you.” I whispered.
“I know, I understand why you didn’t want to see me.” Lana reached for my hand.
“You don’t understand.” I shook my head a little. “I fell in love with you.” Lana’s eyes widened. “Then I thought it had all been a lie. Nothing has ever hurt like that not even….” I stopped and gazed at the dashboard. We fell silent.
“So now you know.” I turned back to her and smiled.
“You know I’m in love with you too right?” Lana asked reaching for my face.
“Look at me, how can you be.” I rubbed at my nose sniffling away tears, she leant in to me and gently kissed the side of my mouth, tilting my head to pepper my lips with several more soft shallow touches. I sighed and reached for her, pulling down the rest of the zipper and opening up her coat pressing forwards in my seat, I unclipped her seat belt.
“Rebecca what are you doing?” She breathed out as I kissed under her jawbone.
“What I’ve wanted to do from the first moment I saw you.” I replied, I let my hand drop to the button of her trousers and popped it open with ease, she reached for me but I pinned her arm to her side.
“Ten minutes ago you hated me.” Lana said struggling a little to free herself from my grip.
“I’ve never hated you.” I told her as I slipped my hand under the material brushing the edge of her underwear before dipping inside them letting my fingers wander across her skin, I watched her closely as her mouth opened and a soft sigh slid from between her lips. I pressed my fingers into her my own pulse rocketing as I felt her arch into my touch.
“You feel amazing.” I whispered.
“You really haven’t done this before?” Lana asked, her lips only millimetres from mine. I shook my head.
“I don’t really know what I’m doing, tell me what you want.” I locked onto her eyes.
“You don’t need me to tell you anything.” She gave a quick grin pressing her head against the rest as I moved my fingers deeper. “Wait.” Lana slid up the seat suddenly, the movement made my hand slide from beneath her, rising back up and out of her underwear.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t want to do this here.” Lana sounded shaky her breathing elevated. “I mean in a car in the middle of a layby, a gap between us.” She waved a hand over the centre console. I nodded and shuffled back into my own seat. “Rebecca, it’s not that I don’t want you.” She grabbed my hand. “It’s because I want this so much I don’t want to do it halfway.”
“So what do you want to do?” I reached for a cigarette.
“My place?” She spoke softly, nervously almost. I nodded it was all I could do, in the light of only the orange street lamp, her shirt open to show the curve of her breasts, red full lips parted with her eyes glinting and full of desire, her hair loose and tumbled over her shoulder, she really was breath taking.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Lana walked ahead of me, glancing over her shoulder to smile as she unlocked the door to the building. I stepped inside behind her, the place felt different in the dark, quiet, no Christine bustling around, no patients waiting for their turn to see the doctor. I pushed the heavy door closed with a click and followed Lana up the staircase, she reached a hand behind her without looking at me and I took it, distantly wondering how many other women had ascended these
stairs holding her hand. She reached the top and punched in four digits on the keypad which beeped under her touch, the lock shifted and the door opened.
“The kitchens on the right grab a bottle of whatever you prefer to drink, I just want to get changed out of these clothes.” She told me as she shut the door and veered off to the left, I watched her walk through the open space reaching to flick on lamps as she passed them before partially vanishing behind the thick multi coloured glass partition at the end of the room. Her shape became distorted behind the squares of marbled glass.
“This place is incredible.” I shouted across to her.
“I’m glad you like it.” Lana called back.
“It’s beautiful. I love how open it is.” I smiled as I found the wine glasses and poured out two large measures of red wine.
“You do huh?” I turned at the sound of Lana’s voice, my mouth dropping open at the sight of her.
“Yeah it’s stunning.” I gulped. She was leaning on the kitchen unit with her elbows, her face propped against her hands, lips curved up in amusement. I let my eyes trail her body, a black lace bodice clung to her figure it slid over her rib cage and cupped her breasts so that they almost spilled over the edging her soft skin was speckled with goose bumps. Silk stockings rose up the long slender legs cutting off mid – thigh held in place by suspenders trimmed with tiny black bows. Lana turned and walked away from me, her hips swaying.
“Come on, this way.” She called over her shoulder crooking a finger at me. I drained the glass in one and followed.
Behind the glass wall Lana’s bed was nestled, it was tinted with the colours coming through from the light behind covering it in glows of orange and red. Lana slid onto the end of the bed pushing herself up until only her feet dangled off the edge, she rolled onto her side and patted the space beside her which I took hurriedly.
“Are you ok?” She ran a hand over my hair as I lay beside her. I nodded silently, my heart hammering in my chest. “I’ve never seen you so quiet.” She added.
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