The Way It Never Was

by Austin, Lucy

  Now, there is nothing I hate more in the world than people who pretend to be on diets but then scrounge what you’re eating, but despite myself, upon seeing their forlorn faces, I can’t bear it anymore. I have a sudden change of heart. ‘Got loads. You’re very welcome to join,’ I say. ‘It is my birthday after all.’

  Dan then stands up to serve out my culinary efforts and pauses to wave the spoon in the air. ‘Granted, it looks like shit, but I’m sure it tastes amazing,’ he declares, plonking out portions as though he were swatting a fly.

  Without giving it another thought, Dave bounds over to our table. ‘I’ll take you up on that offer of food Kate. No offence Claire, but I can’t eat that. Life’s too short.’

  Linda gasps at Dave’s no-nonsense approach and anxiously looks over at Claire, while the rest of us just stare at him in admiration. Despite the risk of incurring her best friend’s wrath, Linda too pulls up a chair to join her boyfriend, leaving Claire holding her plate of rejected roulade on her own.

  As we all start tucking in and chatting, she gives up the fight. ‘Could I?’ she asks, coming over and eyeing up the stew hungrily.

  ‘We thought you would never ask,’ says Liv, exchanging looks with Dan as though they’ve just discussed her at great length.

  Given the seat shortage, Claire chooses to share half a one with Linda, making for a very cosy table indeed – especially for Wayne who is now so close to her he might as well eat his stew from her own ‘dumplings’ on display.

  ‘Jesus, Claire,’ Liv waves a fork at her. ‘Could you at least put your tits away while we eat. All that flesh is putting me off my food, babe.’ Claire goes bright red and pulls up her top, only for Liv to then bang her utensils down dramatically. ‘I can’t take it anymore. This baby wants to come out. It is so low, I swear his head is already nestled in my vagina.’

  As the rest of us now slowly chew our food conjuring up all sorts of gross images, Dan squeezes her arm where his hand then stays.

  Liv appears not to have noticed and turns to Dan smiling. ‘Dan, judging on your downstairs toilet, you’ve sure done some stuff huh?’ For some unfathomable reason they are now thick as thieves. ‘I saw some of your photos when we stayed at yours after Anna’s incredible play. You’ve been like everywhere!’

  For a minute, I wonder if Dan is going to bore my straight talking friend with tales of travels, but thankfully, he has a sense of occasion. Like me, he has a collage of photos and memorabilia, but while mine capture the bad and the ugly too (or else, I’d have none to put up), his entire collection has been sent through quality control. Every vetted photo has either him looking tanned or buff either in front of one of the seven wonders, or with beautiful people.

  That night after the theatre, a bleary eyed Liv just stood in Dan’s flat, taking in all the photos. ‘Your brother is really handsome,’ she said, whistling under her breath. ‘Shame he’s so fucking arrogant though. What a waste.’ I was about to say something in his defence when I then spotted a recent addition to the collection – a very large picture of Stan and I standing in front of the Grand Canyon on that holiday. ‘You guys look so good in that photo,’ Liv said, moving in closer to study it. ‘Stan’s wasted on Anna I tell you.’ At that precise moment, I begged to differ. Having witnessed his sycophantic behaviour at the theatre, I was starting to think that they might make the perfect pair after all.

  ‘Stan’s a good friend but I want lightening and fireworks,’ I said as Liv just carried on studying the photos.

  ‘You do know that stuff means nothing?’ she said quietly. ‘Seriously, look where lightening and fireworks got me.’

  Back to the present moment, the evening is in full swing with the room full of happy chatter. Liv is now properly drunk on her single glass of wine the lightweight she is, the guard is fully down. All eyes are on Dan who seems unable to tear himself away from looking at her.

  ‘You know what Daniel. I have decided I like you,’ Liv loudly whispers as though no one can hear her. ‘I thought you were such an arrogant pretty boy when I met you last year. I take it all back.’ We all grind to a halt with what we are doing. Wayne and Claire look up from chatting, Scary Linda stops trying to wipe lipstick off Dave and I put down my cake with all its candles waiting to be lit and glance over at Dan, who looks for want of a better word, enchanted by my pregnant friend. ‘I gotta tell you though, you do have a ridiculous bed for such a swanky London pad. A futon! Who the fuck sleeps on a futon anymore!’ There she goes again, squeezing his knee.

  ‘You slept in my bed did you?’ Dan glances at her, looking a bit flushed. ‘I’ll remember that when I’m back there tomorrow,’ he says quietly, delivering a line that on a normal day would sound pretty sleazy but for some reason tonight, sounds almost romantic.

  Okay, I’m not sure of where Dan’s head is, making moves on a heavily pregnant woman, but I know Liv too well – that body language is ignoring the twinges and the need for the loo every five, she’s having a good flirt. This encounter is doing wonders for her self-esteem.

  ‘You should have asked Liv to your work party next week,’ I say yawning and Liv laughs.

  ‘Now let me see, going to a dance with a woman the size of a whale. Yeah, that’ll make for a hot date. Tempting.’

  Dan just shrugs. ‘Yup, you’d make one large but extremely hot date.’

  Just as I’m about to hand out fans to one and all to cool down the atmosphere, the doorbell goes again and Claire and Wayne quickly get up to answer it. I’m forced to take matters into my own hands and light my own candles, a rather slow endeavour given that Sam has put one in for every year.

  As the lights go out and everyone starts singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me really loudly, out of the gloom appears Stan, my loveliest friend in the whole universe, carrying a bunch of flowers. Why Anna hasn’t come too, I’m not bothering to ask.

  CHAPTER 20 - GIRL MEETS BOY

  The night Liv encountered my brother for the first time was the same night that Anna clapped eyes on Stan – exactly a year ago. It was my birthday and I had invited a random bunch of people out for Friday night dinner in London. It was a real mish-mash, as in I truly didn’t care who pitched up, mainly because I couldn’t remember who I invited in the heat of the moment. Thanks to temping, my CV was getting longer by the day and with that, I was accruing new friends at a rather fast rate. Whether or not they would put me out if I were on fire, I really didn’t care to find out. All that mattered was that I had bums on seats and felt like a sassy single girl in the Big Smoke. Along with work colleagues and the usual suspects like Liv, Dan, Anna and Stan, Claire and Scary Linda had invited themselves along too.

  After a meal with ridiculously small portions and too many large glasses of wine, it was that horrible time of the night when the bill needed to be paid. Claire was in her small town element, whipping out a solar powered calculator from her cleavage to work out exactly how much we all ate and drank. This took some time, as there were those like Linda who despite bringing her blind date Tony along for the ride, forwent best behaviour in preference for arguing the toss over whether she’d had one glass of wine or two. As she went round the table getting money, Claire was being obnoxiously loud and wearing my birthday badge to command everyone’s attention. Dan was at the other end of the table, talking at Liv while blatantly looking over her shoulder every five to eye up the waitress. At the time I remember thinking Anna and Stan seemed quite cosy, but thought nothing on it as over pre-dinner drinks, Stan and I had been discussing the disastrous holiday we’d just come back from.

  ‘I’m so sorry Kate,’ Stan said, handing me a glass of wine. ‘You’re one of my best friends.’

  I gave him a hearty punch on the arm. ‘Look it’s my birthday,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Forget Big Sur. Here’s to friendship.’

  Stan was just about to say something in response when Anna walked over and put her arm through his. ‘Guess who said Happy Birthday to you,’ she said, winking at m
e. ‘A blast from the past! Three letters!’

  I was completely shocked, not only that Joe was lazily wishing me well via our social network but also that Anna must have known how this news would impact me on my birthday. Perhaps, I was being a little oversensitive, but it just seemed for want of a better word, unkind. ‘I need another glass of wine!’ Anna then shouted and pottered off.

  ‘Did what I just think happen happened?’ I asked Stan, as the mere mention of Joe was sending me into a downhill spiral.

  Stan just gave me this odd look. ‘Take no notice Kate. Don’t think about that bloke tonight of all nights.’

  By the time we got out of the restaurant and moved onto the pub on the corner that was doing a karaoke night, I had decided to get properly drunk, to take my mind off Anna’s loaded announcement. Knocking back the wine like it was water, I had also stolen back my birthday badge from Claire, which was now creating a hole in my top. Did I care? No, I was too busy in a karaoke trance, writing down all my favourite songs, only to get the ‘birthday girl’ green light to sing them straight away – a little unnerving all things considered. So, with Joe heavily on my mind, I murdered ‘What Doesn’t Kill you Makes you Stronger’, ‘Nothing Compares to You’, and shot to death ‘Patience,’ before finally sparing everyone and getting off the stage. Yes, even in my inebriated state, there was no way I was going to be singing a group rendition of ‘Let It Be’ – I had standards.

  As I passed Scary Linda tottering onto the stage, Liv pulled me aside. ‘Word of warning: Besides listening to your brother bang on about how great he is all evening, I’ve also had the pleasure of Anna’s company. Let’s just say her love tank is empty and she wants it filled up.’

  A little while later, the lady in question came over to the table I was sat on and plonked her wine down, dispersing cashew nuts and olive pips all over the floor. ‘Well, I’ve had an aha moment!’ she shouted, our voices being drowned out by Scary Linda’s ambitious version of ‘I Want That Man’ directed at Tony, who looked positively petrified.

  ‘What’s that then?’ I asked, closely studying Anna’s face. ‘Now I think about it, you do seem a little, I don’t know…dishevelled. If I didn’t know you any better, I say you were distracted by something or someone.’

  Anna checked her profile in the window and nodded. ‘Well, in answer to your questions, yes and yes!’

  The wine is having an adverse effect on my brain, as I’m not only confused, I’m busy working out what I asked her. ‘You’re being obtuse Anna – I know, a big word for me. Just tell me okay. What’s going on?’ I say as some tone-deaf girl, sticking a finger in her ear wails like an injured fox, with everyone standing there looking up at the stage in alarm.

  ‘It’s no big deal really but I’ve decided I like your friend Stan,’ said Anna casually and I felt the colour drain from my face. ‘He’s so nice Kate! Not had a chance to get to know him before as you’re normally hovering!’

  I wasn’t sure what to say but I knew immediately how I felt. ‘Listen,’ I said. ‘Before you decide you’ll have him, Stan’s my oldest friend. You can’t just pick him up and then drop him when you get bored.’

  I knew I was in a dangerous territory as we had never had a conversation like this before, but I felt more possessive than I cared to admit. The very idea of Anna going there made me feel sick.

  Leaning close enough forward that I could see she’d missed a bit of her cupids bow with her lipstick, Anna patted my arm. ‘I don’t want to be rude Kate, but you do know that you and Stan are only friends because you’ve known each other a long time.’

  ‘Did you really just say that?’ I said angrily. ‘You have no right at all.’ Just like she had no right to talk about Joe tonight of all nights! She knew it would make me sad. Of course, I was used to seeing Stan with girlfriends, but did the latest one really have to be her? She’d never before expressed any interest in him, so why now, when all she ever seem to want was proper bodice-ripped passion with an arrogant man, not a nice, unassuming one like Stan.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just telling you for your own good. We’ve always been honest right?’ she said and I just stood there for a minute wondering if she was doing a bit of reverse psychology on me. Perhaps, she was right, perhaps I was being selfish and was just scared I’d lose my surrogate boyfriend.

  ‘You’re sounding like such a bitch Anna,’ said Liv, who had been listening to the whole exchange. ‘You know how much Stan means to Kate. Why don’t you just back off!’

  Anna pointed her finger at Liv. ‘There you go again, butting into my business, just like you did in Australia. Like I said back then, go get a life. Sod off!’

  Forcing myself between them for fear that peanuts were going to be shoved up noses, I found myself coming to Liv’s defence. ‘That’s out of order Anna. Don’t speak to her like that!’ I say, wondering what Anna meant by referring to ‘the last time’?

  Liv looked at Anna for a good few seconds. ‘I’m not lowering myself to your level. I want to slap your smug face but I won’t,’ she declared, giving me a big hug. ‘Birthday girl, I’m tired, I have an early start at the café tomorrow. I’ve got a last train to get,’ she said and then politely air kissed Dan who was now standing next to us looking like a nodding dog trying not to fall asleep.

  ‘I’ll escort you to the station,’ he said to her.

  ‘Not a chance in hell,’ came the response.

  As we watched Liv leave the pub, Anna turned to me. ‘Kate. I know what you’re thinking, but seriously, it’ll be different with Stan. I’ll behave!’ She then looked earnestly at me for a second. ‘How do you do it?’

  ‘Do what?’ I said, not entirely liking where this was going.

  ‘Do this single thing. You’ve always been so good at it!’

  And just as I was about to blurt out what I really thought, she then banged her hand on her heart.

  ‘I can’t do it! I hate being my own. I’m naturally meant to be in a pair,’ she moaned, sounding straight out of a wildlife documentary.

  ‘Listen,’ I said, feeling myself going a little red in the face. ‘I would like to meet someone but I can’t just settle for anyone.’

  Then she laughed as though as though I’d said something truly ridiculous. ‘Bless your heart. I cannot believe you’re still hung up on Joe. It’s a bit sad isn’t it? It wasn’t much of a relationship either. I think you just use him as an excuse for not getting out there.’ There it was again, that bloody phrase ‘getting out there’, striking fear into the heart of singletons everywhere. Anna then put her arms around my shoulders. ‘You’re one of my best friends but I mean what I say. If you had a more interesting love life instead of moping around after men who aren’t interested, you would be a lot happier.’

  Just before I could come back with anything by way of an appropriate response, Anna adjusted her low cut top and headed straight for Stan. She then resumed coy and giggly mode, saying something in his ear while he looked straight at me.

  By now, Scary Linda was on her third Bryan Adams song of the night. Halfway through ‘Run to You’ I spied her date look around him, slowly get up and then scarper. I knew how he felt.

  CHAPTER 21 - AFTER HOURS

  Coming out of the station, I walk towards the Tube, regularly stopping to pull on my hold ups. Far from being sexy, they’re threatening to plummet down my legs, not helpful when you are already tottering awkwardly in really high stilettos that are making your tired feet ache from having been on your feet all day. The Victoria line is packed with people on their way to celebrate Friday night, which effectively means having to stand amongst strangers who talk over me, covering me with their spittle. I don’t dare to hold onto any handles, for fear of catching something other than common flu so I lean my full body weight on the surrounding people: As the tube sways so do I. My hold ups finally give up the ghost and fall down my leg with all the grace of a bird being shot out of the sky, pulling out every hair on my leg with them.

&nbs
p; Three ridiculously long texts arrived from Anna while I was on the underground, and are now burning a hole in my pocket. Bad news for her, good news for the paying public, Touch Me I’m Real is being pulled due to lack of support. Wayne has also texted me (a sure sign he is angry as he doesn’t do text speak) annoyed that I decided to turn down the travel job. I told him straight – well, I triumphantly found that I could leave a message when it clicked onto answer machine. If I’m to move forward in a new direction, I can’t do it. It would simply play out like all the others and I would let him down. For now working at the Globe makes sense.

  I seriously doubt whether I’m going to have a good time this evening, because apart from Dan, I won’t know anyone at all. Going on experience of old, he will just leave me to get on with it alone. Despite my reticence, the thought of the unknown is exciting, as is the chance to feel all dressed up in a spanking new dress.

  Relations between Paolo and myself are slowly thawing, in part due to my improved performance unloading the dishwasher. On route to the train station, I popped my head round the café in all my finery and asked them what they thought. I didn’t really need their opinion but for some reason I wanted to seek their approval. My hair had been blow-dried to perfection by Claire who was still smarting at being turned down for hair feathers. My dress was navy blue with a fit and flare style, synched in at the waist and falling just below my knees. My lip-gloss was still intact.

  After a good minute of chewing her flapjack looking thoughtful and making me do a few turns, Paula pursed her lips and nodded. ‘You look pretty,’ she conceded, to which her husband expanded on the point.

  ‘It’s true. You look okay,’ he said. ‘Better than you normally do.’

  Given that I normally looked like a walking artists palette with crap all over my Globe T-shirt I wasn’t sure if this was much of a compliment. Just as I was headed out of the café to get my train, who should turn up but Stan, who happened to be down in Broadstairs seeing his parents.