Meant To Be

by Karen Stivali

  “Mrs. Valeti.”

  “Get her some water.”

  Her brain felt ice cold then started to tingle, like the pins and needles of a sleeping limb awakening.

  She tried to focus. So many faces, hovering over her. The officers. A nurse. And Justine. They all looked so concerned. Even Justine, who never seemed concerned about anything, looked totally bereft. And then she remembered. Frank is dead. It wasn’t a question.

  She knew.

  It wasn’t Daniel; it was Frank.

  The next few hours passed as a blur. Questions. Papers. Sympathetic glances. Glasses of water. Phone calls to Julia and Susanna and Ruth. The hospital staff buzzed around Marienne in a constant swirl. Justine had been allowed to go see Daniel, and Marienne had agreed to meet her in the waiting area. One of the officers accompanied her and sat with her until Justine came sweeping down the hall.

  “He’s okay.” Justine seemed to read the question in Marienne’s eyes. “He’s only allowed one visitor at a time, but you can go see him now.”

  Marienne could only manage a nod.

  “I’ll wait here,” Justine said, her voice calm and somehow warmer than usual. Pity? Sympathy? It didn’t matter. All she could think about was seeing that Daniel was, in fact, all right.

  She moved down the corridor like she was wading through mud, wanting nothing more than to run, but unable to move at anything faster than an annoyingly slow-motion crawl. The air felt thick, and try as she might she could not draw in a deep breath. The room numbers crept by. Room fifteen. That was the room they’d told her.

  She rounded the corner, and there he was. Half-upright in the hospital bed, blue striped gown, huge white bandage covering the left side of his forehead, deep purple circles beneath both eyes, dark red streaks trailing down his left cheek, but alive. Very much alive. Relief rushed through her with such force that she catapulted herself into the room and flung her arms around him.

  “I’m so sorry,” Daniel whispered as he held her.

  “I’m so glad you’re all right.” Her breaths came in gasping puffs as she clung to him, but she was too overwhelmed to cry.

  ****

  Daniel signed the last of his discharge papers and made his way down the long corridor to the waiting room to meet Justine.

  “Ready?” she asked, a softness in her voice he hadn’t heard in a very long time.

  “Yeah,” was all he could manage.

  They drove in a silence. Even their house seemed quieter than usual.

  “Do you want to shower or something?” Justine asked.

  “Yeah.” Without thinking he ascended the stairs.

  The hot water steamed up the bathroom as he stripped off his clothes. His body ached; his head pulsated with the combination of thoughts, pain and grief. As he stepped under the hot spray and felt it cascade down over his body he was finally able to feel everything he’d been holding back, and tears began to pour down his face.

  Drained, but more settled, Daniel dressed then headed back downstairs. Again he found Justine waiting for him. She sat on the couch, legs crossed, long fingers clasped together.

  “Come.” Her voice was still gentle. “Sit down.”

  He took a seat on the ottoman.

  “I was watching her,” she said, and he knew she was speaking about Marienne. “I was looking right at her when she realized Frank was dead.” Justine bit her lip and twisted the ring on her manicured finger. “I saw her reaction. I saw it all in her face in that one split second. The relief of realizing you were okay, and then the horror when it hit her that it was Frank. I’ve never seen anyone go through such a range of feelings in an instant like that. Joy, relief, grief, pain—all at once. It took my breath away, and then I realized I didn’t really feel any of it myself.” Justine looked into his eyes.

  He continued to stare.

  “I can only imagine how that must sound, so bitchy, the ‘ice princess’,” she said.

  Daniel flinched at her use of the name he’d called her in their last fight.

  “And I don’t mean I didn’t feel anything, because I did. I went through all the same emotions, but not the same way. Not like she did. And it hit me. I’ve never felt about anyone the way she feels about Frank. Or the way she feels about you.” She shifted on the couch. “You’ve been saying it for years now, that you and I don’t have the right mix, that we’re missing something. All this time I’ve been so angry with you, blaming you for not living up to what I saw as your potential, as our potential, thinking that if you’d just change or do things my way we’d be fine. But it was bullshit. It was an excuse. We’re not right for each other, and it’s not your fault, and it’s not my fault, it’s just true. We don’t have that. And I think we both deserve that, so for both our sakes, I’m going to let you go.” Her eyes met his, kind and accepting.

  Daniel leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead, lingering for an extra few seconds as he pressed his lips against her. He knew it was probably the last moment of closeness they would ever share.

  As he pulled away he squeezed her hand. “Thank you,” he said, though it didn’t nearly capture all he wanted to say.

  “You should go,” Justine said, in a rare moment of selflessness. “She needs you.”

  Daniel didn’t wait to hear it a second time. In one swift movement he was up and out the door.

  ****

  Daniel knocked on Marienne’s front door, but there was no answer. Her car sat in the driveway, and he felt certain she was home. He knocked once more then tried the doorknob and found it unlocked. He stepped inside the house, not wanting to startle her, but desperate to see her.

  “Marienne?” He peered into the front room. The house remained silent. He walked into the kitchen and was about to call her name again when he heard the sound of water rushing through the pipes in the ceiling, and he knew. She was in the shower, crying.

  He strode up the stairs, without thinking, and knocked on the closed bathroom door.

  “Marienne.”

  There was no reply. He knocked and called again. Nothing answered other than the muted whir of the shower. He raked his hands through his hair, cringing from both frustration and the pain in his forehead. “Look,” he yelled through the closed door, not caring anymore about boundaries or crossing lines, for once saying what he wanted to say. “You’re not alone. I know you think you are, but you’re not. You need to talk, you need to cry, and you have me.”

  His heart counted the seconds with its beats. Without warning, the door swung open. There stood Marienne, dripping wet, wrapped in a huge plaid robe, shower still blasting in the background. She brought her tear-filled eyes up to meet his, holding his gaze for what seemed like an eternity, then fell into his arms, sobbing. He held her as she cried, kissing the top of her soaking wet head, never wanting to let her go.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  As if the day wasn’t difficult enough Marienne’s mother insisted on coming back to her house after the funeral. Marienne watched as Lois talked with guests, bemoaning the loss of a son-in-law she had barely even known, repeatedly mentioning how hard it had been when her own husband had passed.

  To make matters worse Lois insisted on gravitating toward Ella. Marienne bristled every time she saw her mother even get near Ella and immediately intervened. She didn’t want Lois alone with her for a second. The thought made Marienne ill.

  When people started to leave, it became apparent that Lois had no intention of going anywhere, and Marienne decided it was time to tell her to go.

  “Daniel,” she said, grateful he was there.

  “Yeah.”

  “Would you please take Ella to the park so I can say goodbye to everyone.” She glanced toward her mother. Daniel followed her eyes.

  “I’ll do whatever you want,” he said. “Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. I just need to know that Ella is somewhere safe.”

  “Okay,” he said. “But I’m not leaving you alone for long. We’ll be back i
n a little while.”

  Marienne smiled a thank you and watched as he went to get Ella from the family room then escorted her out the front door, his hand clasping hers.

  More people said their goodbyes and Marienne started putting away the remaining food, trying to give everyone the hint that it was time to leave. She wanted everyone gone, especially her mother, but even after the last guest left, Lois remained. Her stomach tensed into knots. The last thing she felt up to was a confrontation.

  “I’m sure you want to be heading home now,” Marienne said, as politely as she could manage.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “What?” She felt her shoulders lock in place.

  “You need me. I know what it’s like to be a widow. You’ll need help.”

  “I’ll be fine.” Marienne tried to keep the quivering out of her voice. Her heart pounded.

  “You’re being very unrealistic.”

  “I’m not unrealistic or ridiculous. I’m quite serious. I’ll be fine, and I think you should go now.”

  As she said the words, she heard the front door open and Daniel and Ella walked back into the house.

  “Ella’s tired. She wants to watch TV,” Daniel said. “I’ll get her set up in the family room.”

  “Thanks,” Marienne said then turned back to Lois. “Look, I have to take care of Ella, and I need you to please leave now.”

  “Don’t be stupid. You can’t take care of that child all by yourself. Why don’t I take her home with me.”

  Marienne could feel her pulse in her ears. “Are you kidding me?” Her voice rose uncontrollably. “You don’t even know her.”

  “That’s your doing. Now I’ll get to know her.”

  “You’re not taking my daughter anywhere,” she said, her voice shrill. She started to shake.

  “Everything okay in here?” Daniel entered the room and moved to Marienne’s side.

  “Yes, everything’s fine,” Marienne said. “My mother was just leaving.”

  “Fine.” Lois stared straight into her eyes. “Get Ella ready, and we’ll go.”

  “Over my dead body.” Marienne kept her voice low, but serious.

  “You’re being very unreasonable, Marienne. You can’t possibly take care of that little girl alone.”

  “Excuse me,” Daniel said. “I’ll have you know that Marienne most certainly can take care of Ella, and she won’t be alone. They have tons of people who care about them and will help with whatever they may need.”

  “And who the hell are you?” Lois asked.

  “I’m one of those friends. And I have watched your daughter be a mother to Ella since the day she was born. She’s the most capable parent I’ve ever seen. And right now I believe she’s asking you to please leave her house.”

  Lois’ eyes flashed at Daniel. “I don’t know who you think you are—”

  “I know exactly who I am. I’m someone who’s going to be here to support and help Marienne and Ella. I’m far more concerned with who you think you are. Marienne has made it clear that she wants you to go and yet here you are, threatening to take her daughter and upsetting her, in her own home, on the day of her husband’s funeral.”

  Lois turned to Marienne. “You can’t be serious. I’ll stay here then, for a few weeks. You can’t manage everything yourself.”

  “Yes, I can,” Marienne said, the conviction returning to her voice. “You paid your respects, now I’m asking you again, please leave.”

  Lois looked from Marienne to Daniel then huffed. “Fine. But don’t come crying to me for help when everything falls apart, which it will.”

  “I won’t,” Marienne said. “I can promise that.”

  “Good, because I won’t be there to bail you out. This is your chance, and you’re blowing it.”

  “She won’t need bailing out,” Daniel said. “She’s going to be fine.”

  Lois glared at both of them then turned on her heel, grabbed her purse off the kitchen chair, and stomped out the front door, not even stopping to say goodbye to Ella.

  Marienne stared at Daniel, flabbergasted.

  “Are you all right?” he asked. “You’re shaking.”

  “I’m fine,” she said, unable to take her eyes off him.

  “What?” His brow furrowed.

  “I don’t think anyone has ever dared to talk to my mother like that. You’re amazing.”

  “No, just honest. I didn’t say one word that isn’t true. You and Ella have lots of people who care about you, and you are the best mother ever. You’re going to be fine, and I’ll be here to help you, no matter what.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  The box from Frank’s office had been sitting in the foyer, untouched, for almost two weeks and Marienne decided it was time to open it. She checked to make sure Ella was sleeping, then carried the large carton to Frank’s desk.

  You can do this. It’s just a box of things.

  She picked up a pair of scissors and held her breath as she dragged them across the top to slit the tape.

  The box sprung open as though it had a life of its own. Frank’s Eagle’s sweatshirt had been crushed into the package and without the tape holding the flaps shut the sweatshirt popped out. She ran her hand across it. She knew it well and hadn’t realized that he kept it at the office. Her eyes filled as she laid the shirt on the desk.

  Layers of newspaper separated the picture frames that had graced his desk. A wedding photo. Ella’s birth announcement and footprints. Her newest picture in the I LOVE DADDY frame she’d given him for his first Father’s Day. She struggled to swallow, her throat tightened at the thought of the emptiness Father’s Day would always bring for Ella.

  She unloaded the rest. His mug. Two leather bound planners. A few books. A tie. The crumpled paper bag at the bottom of the box looked like part of the packing material, but when she moved it aside, she realized the bag wasn’t empty. She opened it and reached inside. Trojan ribbed? We don’t use condoms. Her heart thudded unevenly in her chest as her mind began to race. We haven’t needed condoms since before we conceived Ella.

  She flipped the box over, looking for an expiration date, then realized she had no idea how long condoms lasted. An expiration date wouldn’t tell her when they were purchased. A receipt would. She held her breath as she reached into the bag and extracted the thin strip of paper.

  Her eyes took in his signature and the word Trojan as she scanned for the date. The breath left her body in a wordless rush. They’d been purchased one month ago.

  She stared, reading it over and over. Her heartbeat hammered in her ears.

  Two days before the accident.

  She reached over and turned on his computer. Her body was numb. She didn’t know what she hoped to find, she wanted something, anything, that could offer an explanation.

  His shortcuts appeared on the green desktop background. Documents? Personal calendar? As she debated where to start, a pop-up appeared on the lower right corner of the screen.

  “You have received seven offline messages. Delete or Read Now?”

  Her hand trembled as she clicked Read Now.

  Received Thursday, 7:45 am. Seeing the date of the accident made her stomach twist further into knots.

  SunnyDay: You’re late. I miss you.

  8:04 am

  SunnyDay: You’d better not be blowing me off. Cause if you are you know I won’t be blowing you at all for quite a while. *tapping foot*

  8:20 am

  SunnyDay: Ok, now I’m really pissed, you’re almost an hour late. I told my boss I’d be in by 10 today. You know he hates when I’m late!

  8:24 am

  SunnyDay: If you went straight to the office today I’m going to kill you!! You do realize that I have a job too right? If I find out you’re ignoring my calls we’re through.

  9:00 am

  SunnyDay: Your secretary hasn’t seen you yet today, so I’m going to assume you’re not at work. Where are you? Now I’m getting worried.
<
br />   9:20 am

  SunnyDay: If you’re not answering because I sounded bitchy I’m sorry. Really. Please call when you get this.

  9:45 am

  SunnyDay: I have to leave for work now. I’m really worried. Please, please, please don’t be mad, I just want to know that you’re okay. Call me. Soon. xoxo

  Marienne couldn’t move. She could hardly breathe. The ringing phone startled her so much she knocked the mouse off the desk. It bounced across the wood floor, banging into the file cabinet with a clang. She stared at the phone. It was Daniel. If I don’t pick up, he’ll be worried.

  Her hand moved in slow motion as she pressed the talk button. She couldn’t speak.

  “Hello?” Daniel’s voice came through the line.

  She opened her mouth, but only a sigh escaped.

  “Marienne?” he asked. “Are you there?”

  “I’m here.” Barely.

  “You okay?”

  “No.” The word caught in her throat.

  “What can I do?” he asked. The sound of his voice made her want to curl up in his arms and cry. “You still there?”

  “Can you watch Ella for me?”

  “Now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll be right over.”

  Marienne hung up the phone and picked the mouse up off the floor. She clicked through the messenger history and up popped pages of old messages from SunnyDay. She scrolled, catching only words and dates. Still tingling from this morning, when can you come again? …Call me, I’ve got Tuesday off…I had the dirtiest dream about you last night….I can still taste you…

  Her stomach flipped over so fast she thought she might throw up. The message history dated back over two years. Since I was pregnant. He’s been with her since I was pregnant.

  The sound of Daniel tapping on the back door made her jump. She stumbled as she stood, her legs felt rubbery and weak. Breathe, she reminded herself as she walked to the door.

  “Are you okay? You’re white as a sheet.”

  “He was cheating on me.”

  “What?”

  “For years. There are messages. Hundreds of messages. And condoms. I’m so stupid.”