If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

  I laugh. ‘My life is just ordinary – in fact, it’s less than ordinary,’ I say sipping my beer. ‘But wow, YouTube, huh?’

  ‘I know, but it’s big business these days.’

  ‘Luckily for you,’ I say, raising my beer in a cheers motion.

  ‘Luckily for me,’ he says, laughing and sipping his beer. ‘As jobs go, it’s a pretty good one.’

  ‘You say it’s luck, but I know what you’re like and I’m sure there would have been a whole heap of hard work involved.’

  He shrugs his shoulders, confirming I’m right.

  He was always going to be successful – he’s a hard worker, but he’s also a risk taker, and I guess that’s what you need in business.

  I drain my beer. ‘Fancy another one?’ I say, realising how awake I’m feeling.

  ‘I should have brought some more up when I went down for the shortbread. I’ll go.’

  ‘No,’ I say, going to stand up, but he’s beaten me to it and is off down the stairs.

  I get up anyway and go over to lean on the edge of the terrace, staring out into the darkness. I love how the streetlights all over the hill twinkle like a string of fairy lights. Although I live by the sea, this is so different. Instantly I know I’m somewhere abroad. Not to mention how quiet it is. There isn’t the distant traffic noise or the sirens from emergency vehicles that you get back home.

  I’ve only been here for a matter of hours and I’m already wondering if I’m going to be able to leave.

  ‘Here,’ says Danny, handing me a bottle.

  I hadn’t even heard him come up. He places his bottle down on the ledge and settles into the space next to me and stares out into the darkness too.

  For a minute we lean on the wall, not talking. My mind’s gone into a whirlwind with him being so close. If I just leaned a little to my right, I’d be brushing up against his body. All I want to do is kiss him again.

  All those times when I’ve been feeling down about how my life’s turned out or when I was worried that things with Ross weren’t right, I always thought about that night with Danny; that kiss. I always try and tell myself that I’ve built it up to be more magical than it was. It was probably just my emotions running high on my sister’s wedding day. But still, all I want to do is lean over and do it again. But I can’t; not when I know he thought it was a mistake.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ asks Danny.

  ‘Oh, you know, how nice it is to smell the sea.’ WTF? Not only does that sound really flipping weird – does anyone really like that fishy smell? – but we’re also a couple of kilometres from the sea and can’t really smell it.

  ‘That’s a shame,’ says Danny. ‘As I was thinking about the time I kissed you at Kerry and Jim’s wedding.’

  I snap my head round and we lock eyes. I can feel my stomach flipping, the electricity fizzing between us. He takes the beer bottle out of my hand and he puts it onto the ledge.

  ‘I was thinking perhaps we should do it again,’ he says, assertively.

  I can’t find any words, so instead I nod my head. He leans over to me and the anticipation is too much. His lips brush mine and I’m unsure if my legs are going to hold out. He’s teasing me with his softly, softly approach, and it’s killing me.

  I can’t take it any longer, and I find my hand flying up to the back of his neck and I pull him into me and then we’re kissing. And oh boy, it’s not like it was before; it’s so much better.

  Chapter Eight

  I’m living in some sort of nightmare where people are lassoing in the street. Please tell me that you don’t know the dance moves to ‘Gangnam Style’? Even as I write that I know that you do. I bet you’ve been hovering over YouTube learning them – loser. Anyway, thought you’d get a kick out of this key ring I bought on the sidewalk – *cough* – I mean pavement, as you can tell I’m settling right into New York.

  Parcel containing Psy key ring; Danny to Lydia, August 2013

  Oh boy. I’m lying here in bed with every muscle aching. It’s the feeling you get after a punishing workout. Only the workout I had last night was far more pleasurable than anything that’s ever happened to me at the gym. If they offered that at my old gym, it would have been worth every penny of the £39.99 monthly fee.

  I’m almost glad that Danny and I didn’t hook up properly the night of the wedding, as I get the impression that over the intervening years he’s honed his skills and let’s just say that he certainly knows what he’s doing, probably a whole lot more than he would have done at twenty-two. There were butterflies, there were orgasms and there were fireworks – and this time they were between the sheets and not in the sky.

  I’ve been awake for a while watching Danny – not in a creepy way, but rather trying to get my head round what’s happening. His arm is resting over my belly and whilst I woke up thinking it was really cute, I’m now trying to work out how I can move it as I really need to pee. Trying not to focus on the likelihood of me wetting myself, I instead focus on the billion other thoughts running through my mind. Was it just a one-night thing? Is he going to regret it in the cold light of day? Should I go and put some make-up on before he wakes up?

  The panic is starting to build up inside me as it really hits home what we’ve done. This isn’t just a little kiss.

  It’s no good, I’m in danger of wetting myself if I stay here any longer. I’ve got no choice but to wriggle out from underneath his arm. I lift it up and he grunts a little and I freeze, wondering if I’ve woken him, but he simply moves his arm and rolls over.

  I sigh with relief and tiptoe into the bathroom to relieve myself. After I’ve finished I can’t help putting on some BB cream whilst I’m in there, just to give me a little bit of a glow, but when I look in the mirror I see that my cheeks already have one. I think back over the events of last night and have to steady my hands on the sink as I go weak at the knees.

  I can’t believe that for years I have fantasised about what it would be like to have sex with Danny, but even in my wildest imagination I couldn’t have imagined it would have been that good.

  I walk out of the bathroom and into the lounge where I spot Danny’s discarded T-shirt on the floor from when we undressed each other on our way down from the roof terrace. I slip it on over my head, breathing in the smell of him as I do.

  I wonder what time it is. There aren’t any clocks in here and I look around for my phone, trying to remember when I last had it. I know I had it on the roof terrace. I walk over towards the kitchen to go up and see, and then I stop. It’s December and I’m wearing a T-shirt. I spot my boots in the middle of the floor and slip them on, followed by my long coat. I’m looking a bit more like a hooker than I’d like, but I’m only going to be up there for a second.

  I swing open the secret door in the kitchen and the cool air immediately hits me. I make sure I shut the door behind me after I walk through to keep the heat in. When I get to the top of the stairs I gasp. It might be cold, but it’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and I’m sure somewhere in the distance I can hear birds tweeting.

  I can now see down to the sea. It’s pretty far away and somewhat hidden behind buildings, but it’s still there and I officially feel as if I’m on holiday. I can’t wait to go and explore. I look around the terrace and I spot Danny’s phone on the table, but not mine. I poke about on the sofa where I was sitting, lifting the cushions and the blanket, but it’s not there. It must be downstairs after all.

  I slip Danny’s phone into my pocket to give to him and then I head downstairs.

  I turn the handle and pull the door, only it doesn’t budge. Danny definitely said that you couldn’t lock yourself out. I can’t have turned the handle hard enough.

  I try again and this time I turn the handle with all my might, and yet still nothing. I give it another go, and another, but it won’t budge.

  I’m going to have to wake Danny up and start to knock. I’m guessing that it’ll be hard to hear as I closed both the bedroom
door and the kitchen one.

  I knock even louder.

  ‘Come on, Danny,’ I say, getting agitated. A cool breeze whips down the staircase and wraps itself around my bare legs. I’m starting to get cold.

  And then I begin to panic. What if he wakes up and thinks that I’ve done a runner? What if he leaves thinking that’s what I want? He was talking last night of getting a hotel.

  I knock again with my fist. If only I had my phone. Then I remember I have his phone. I could use it to call my phone and hope that he picks it up, or at the very least that it wakes him up.

  I press the home button, but of course it’s locked. There’s a message on the screen from a woman named Victoria, and I know that I shouldn’t read it, but I can’t help myself.

  Hey where are you at midnight when I need you, huh?

  This mumma has needs. Had to do it alone ;)

  I press the power off button to hide the screen and the message. I feel sick. He might have broken up with Diana but he’s obviously not short of female admirers. Some things never change. I feel so stupid for thinking that I was special when clearly I’m one of many. I rest my head against the door, closing my eyes and I groan loudly.

  I’m feeling very sorry for myself when I lurch forward as the door opens and I crash head first into Danny.

  ‘Shit, Lydia, are you OK?’ says Danny, as instinctively I put my hand up to my head. ‘What were you doing so close to the door?’

  ‘It was locked and I was stuck out here.’

  ‘Locked? It’s not locked. It gets a bit stiff in winter. You have to push the door frame as you turn the handle. Come in, your hands are freezing.’

  He tugs me in and shuts the door behind him, shivering. He’s only dressed in his boxers and I try not to perve over him.

  ‘I was hoping you’d slipped out for breakfast. What were you doing up there anyway?’

  ‘I was looking for my phone,’ I say, feeling his in my pocket and remembering word for word what his message from Victoria said.

  ‘You’re shivering, let me warm you up,’ he says, with a smile on his face as he walks towards me.

  I’m desperate for him to wrap his arms around me, but at the same time I don’t want to be just another notch on his bedpost.

  ‘I found your phone,’ I say, pulling it out of my pocket and handing it to him just as he pulls me close.

  ‘Thanks,’ he says, taking it and putting it on the side before he hugs me.

  ‘You had a message,’ I say, turning my head so that he can’t kiss me on the lips. ‘I didn’t mean to read it, but it was just there.’

  He picks it up and glances at the message before he looks up at me. Then he laughs.

  ‘This is from Victoria.’

  ‘I saw that,’ I say, folding my arms.

  ‘She’s Gaz’s wife.’

  ‘Then what was she doing texting you in the middle of the night? Does Gaz know?’

  ‘What? Oh shit, I can see why that looked dodgy. She’s pregnant and for the last few weeks she’s been having these cravings for Indian food late at night. Gaz isn’t a massive fan and we don’t have a takeaway near us so we have to drive to Windermere to get one, and so I’ve been going with her.’

  I run it over in my mind. This mumma – as in this pregnant woman – has needs – for Indian food – had to do it alone – drive to Windermere to go get food. It all fits. I feel ridiculous. Again.

  ‘Hey,’ says Danny, pulling my hand. ‘Were you jealous?’

  ‘Of course not,’ I say, all pitchy and squeaky. I know that I shouldn’t be jealous when we’ve only just got together, and it’s not even like we’re really together, together, is it?

  He pulls me forward and kisses me, just like he did last night, and suddenly none of my worries matter anymore – it’s just him and me.

  I’m vaguely aware of the sound of a phone ringing.

  ‘Aren’t you going to answer that? It could be Victoria,’ I say with a laugh.

  ‘It’s not mine,’ he says, turning round and pulling my phone off the side. It was here all along in the kitchen. Of course it was.

  I don’t recognise the ringtone and then see it’s Facebook Messenger. I’m about to ignore it when I notice that Danny must have accidentally answered it as he handed it over.

  ‘Hi Mum,’ I say holding the phone up to my ear.

  ‘Why’s it all dark?’ she says.

  ‘Oh, are you video calling?’ Great. That’s just what I need. I pull the phone round to my face and nearly jump in horror at the split screen in front of me. I’m not just talking to my mother, but Danny’s mother too.

  ‘Oh, that’s much better, love,’ says Hazel, beaming away at me with much the same smile that her son is giving in the background behind the phone. Or at least he was until he heard his mum’s voice and now he looks horrified. He’s waving his hand and shaking his head and I get the impression that he doesn’t want to let them know he’s here. Not that I would have volunteered that information – I’d never get them off the bloody phone.

  ‘Hazel and I were just having a chat and wondering how you were getting on. Your text last night seemed so rushed so we thought we’d call you.’

  ‘Isn’t technology amazing, we can all see each other,’ says Hazel laughing.

  ‘Oh, it’s amazing all right.’

  ‘Are you on your way out?’ says Mum, which surprises me at first until I look down at my coat.

  ‘You might want to do your hair first,’ says Hazel. ‘You’ve got a little bit sticking up.’

  I’m tiny in my screen but I can still see what she’s talking about quite clearly. I have the most spectacular bed hair.

  ‘I’d just nipped out onto the roof to get something I’d left there last night.’

  ‘Oh, it’s lovely up there, isn’t it, love? Such great views. You have to watch the door though, gets a bit sticky in winter. I left a note in the welcome book,’ says Hazel.

  ‘Oh, I bet reading that book was the first thing Lydia did when she got there,’ says my mum laughing.

  I can see Danny waving the welcome folder in my direction.

  ‘Actually, I missed it,’ I say, making sure that the camera’s only showing my face when I flip him the bird with my free hand. ‘But luckily I made it up and down in one piece.’

  ‘Great, so you’re settling in OK? Found everything you’ve been looking for?’ asks Hazel.

  I look over at Danny, who’s leaning casually up against the worktop.

  ‘Uh-huh, I think so. So far.’

  ‘That’s great. What did you do last night?’

  I try to keep the smile off my face as I think about what Danny and I got up to. None of it’s appropriate to be shared with our mothers.

  I can’t believe how much has happened in the last twenty-four hours. It feels like a lifetime since I had my not-a-real-date with Steve.

  ‘I popped out for tapas.’

  ‘At Los Toros?’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  ‘Oh, is that that little restaurant we went to. The one with that waiter?’ says Mum.

  ‘Yes, that’s the one – the dishy waiter,’ says Hazel.

  ‘Oh yes, he was certainly dishy.’

  ‘And the food just continues to get better. The last time we went there we had these oysters and do you know, Linda, I never thought it was true what they said about them, but since then we’ve been making special trips to Whitehaven to get them in.’

  Danny is cringing and shaking his head in shame.

  I try and pat down my bed hair whilst our mums talk to each other. I’m bracing myself for when they turn their attention back to me.

  ‘Did you meet Steve last night?’ asks Hazel.

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  ‘I hope he behaved himself. He can be a big flirt.’

  ‘Can he? I didn’t notice.’

  Even I can see my cheeks blushing red on the tiny screen as I lie.

  ‘And Liza’s a doll. So pretty. You know, before she got togeth
er with Steve, I tried to set her up with Daniel,’ she says. ‘I mean, you remember how beautiful that woman was, don’t you, Linda? All dark hair and fiery personality.’

  I try not to look directly at Danny, but I notice his cheeks are going red too.

  ‘Of course, Daniel accused me of trying to get them together because of her cooking, which in fairness I probably was in part, but she’s lovely, didn’t you think?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say, barely getting a word in before my mum starts again.

  ‘So what’s on the agenda today? Are you going to get a feel for the place?’ she asks.

  ‘Oh, it’s so important to do that. Now that I’m doing this reiki I’m so much more in touch with things and I can’t stress how important getting a feel is.’

  My mum is nodding sagely, and I open my mouth to reply, only Danny seems to have come alive with the word ‘feel’.

  ‘Um,’ I say as Danny stretches his hand out to slide it under my coat, forcing me to bring the phone so close to me that the mums are treated to an extreme close-up of my nostrils.

  I spin around trying to push him off.

  ‘Lydia, I’m getting dizzy,’ says Mum.

  ‘Sorry, I’m just trying to show you the apartment.’

  ‘It looks like you’ve had no trouble finding the beers,’ says Hazel, as I manage to push Danny back before he retreats to the other side of the kitchen.

  ‘Ah, yes, it was a long day yesterday,’ I say, as I try to move the screen back to my face and away from the empty bottles on the side. ‘Thanks for leaving those for me. It was a big help.’

  ‘No problem. Now, you’ve got lots to do today so we should let you get back to it,’ says Hazel.

  ‘Yes, have a lovely time, darling, and enjoy whatever it is you decide to do later.’

  Danny does an exaggerated wink and I try not to laugh. He starts to come towards me, his hands outstretched again.

  ‘Thanks, Mum, I’ll be in touch soon,’ I say, squeaking as Danny’s fingers comes in contact with my skin and he starts to stroke up my belly. ‘Thanks for ringing.’

  I just manage to turn the call off when Danny’s hand reaches my boobs.