If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

  ‘Same as ever. Bickering, but I think they’re happy. The move’s been good for them. My dad’s less stressed.’

  ‘That’s good.’

  Steve brings over more dishes and the hunger of not having eaten and doing far too many bedroom workouts means that we devour the food. We keep the talking to a minimum whilst we stuff our faces.

  ‘So,’ says Liza as she walks past and stops at our table. ‘Is everything OK?’

  She’s looking at me with the same warm smile she had on Thursday, thank goodness. All has apparently been forgiven.

  ‘Great, thank you,’ I say.

  ‘And how is your mother and the family, are they well? And what was the name of the blonde you were with the last time?’ she says, turning to Danny.

  He coughs and dabs crumbs from the corner of his mouth with his napkin.

  ‘My mum’s fine; Stu, Iz and the kids are fine; and um, Victoria is too.’

  ‘I’m so glad. And how long are you here for?’

  ‘Just a couple of days. I’m heading to Barcelona for New Year’s Eve and then on home from there.’

  ‘Oh, then you’ve got time to eat here again before you go,’ says Liza breezily, as if that’s the only concern in the world and like my heart didn’t just break a little at the thought that I’ve only just got Danny and I’m going to lose him again in a couple of days.

  Liza and Danny chat a little about people they know, and I force myself to smile, picking at the last crumbs on the plate, trying not to think about what’s going to happen the day after tomorrow. It’s not as if the Lake District is just around the corner. Southsea’s right in the middle of the south coast and the Lakes are almost as far north as Scotland. I’m sure it would take five or six hours to drive there, and on the train probably a whole day. I’m starting to feel a little down and that’s before I even let myself think about what Liza said about Victoria being here with Danny.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks when Liza’s gone.

  ‘Nothing,’ I say pretending that I’m fine. ‘Did you come here with Gaz and Victoria?’

  ‘Just Victoria, actually. Gaz was supposed to be coming, but he got sick at the last minute. Victoria had been going through a rough time so he still wanted her to get away.’

  ‘You two are close, then?’

  ‘Yeah, pretty close. I guess the three of us hang out a lot. Is that why you look so sad?’

  ‘No,’ I say shaking my head. I realise that I’m not going to be able to keep this from him. ‘It’s more that you talked about going in a couple of days’ time. Two days. It’s going so quickly.’

  ‘I know.’

  He looks at me as I blink back tears. I feel utterly ridiculous. How could I be thinking like this after we’ve only spent thirty-six hours together?

  ‘I don’t have to go. I don’t expect Ben would miss me and I wouldn’t miss crashing on a sofa. We could have an extra day and night together.’

  I try to conceal my excitement.

  ‘Are you sure? Of course I’d be totally fine with hanging out by myself in that apartment with no TV whilst you went to a party.’

  ‘Well, in that case . . .’ he says, laughing. ‘No, I’d much rather spend New Year with you. We could always go to Barcelona anyway, get a hotel, make a proper night of it.’

  ‘We could,’ I say, but to be honest I reckon I’d be just as happy curled up on the roof terrace staring up at the stars. ‘Or we could stay here.’

  He grins at me. ‘Are you sure you’re going to be able to cope with me for an extra day?’

  ‘I think so. If you can do that thing you did last night again.’

  ‘Which thing?’ he says, leaning over. ‘The one with the kisses or the—’

  ‘Dessert?’ says Steve, thrusting menus in our faces.

  ‘Um,’ says Danny giving me a look.

  I try and give him a down-boy look. ‘Yes, dessert would be great,’ I say, picking the almond cake before Danny reluctantly orders the chocolate fondant. ‘And coffee. I think we’re going to need some coffee. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.’

  Steve nods and gives Danny a knowing look before he walks off with the menus.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind not going to see your friend?’

  ‘No, he’ll understand.’

  ‘And you’re flying out then on New Year’s Day?’

  He nods. ‘And you?’

  ‘The second. I start back at work on the third,’ I say. It still doesn’t give us much time together.

  ‘Well, at least now we can look forward to seeing the New Year in together.’

  ‘Ah, and a New Year’s kiss,’ I say, trying to ignore the symbolism I told Lucy about.

  ‘And not only a kiss. There’s quite a lot more I’d like to do on New Year’s Eve, too.’

  ‘Ohh, is that right?’

  ‘Uh-huh. I could give you a little preview this afternoon, if you’re interested.’

  I look up towards Steve who’s carrying the desserts, wondering if we’d have been better off not ordering any.

  ‘I’m definitely interested,’ I say with almost a wink as the plates are put down in front of us and we begin to wolf the desserts down. Not due to hunger this time, but to the desire to get out of the restaurant and back to the apartment as quickly as possible.

  Chapter Ten

  Totally nailed this fridge magnet thing. I mean nothing says the Bahamas like two bare bottomed boys with sun hats, right? I’ve had a great few days down here. Managed to go diving, parasailing and kite surfing – I bet you’d have loved it ;)

  Parcel containing fridge magnet;

  Danny to Lydia, March 2014

  ‘You know last night when I said that today I wanted to go further afield than Los Toros and that we should see more of the coastline? This isn’t really what I had in mind.’

  ‘I know, but it’s a great idea, right?’ says Danny with a big grin on his face.

  I look down at the harness that’s giving me a wedgie. I’m not entirely sure about that.

  ‘We could just go for a hike.’

  ‘Or we could sail into the sky. Trust me on this, it’s an amazing feeling. You’re going to love it.’

  I don’t agree, but I take a deep breath. All I can see from here is a cliff and the sea. It’s not exactly inspiring me with confidence.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ says Paul, as he comes along to double check my harness. ‘Have you decided what type of landing you want?’

  ‘A good one,’ I reply, nervously wondering what other type there might be.

  ‘Very funny. No, I meant, did you want a normal descent or a rapid one? On the rapid one, we get up some speed and then we corkscrew down to the ground. You can pull five gs – same force as you get in a Formula One car.’

  ‘That sounds awesome,’ says Danny.

  ‘I was going to say that it sounded terrifying. Perhaps I’ll stick to the normal descent today, as it’s my first go and all that.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ Paul says, as he clips his harness to mine. ‘Now you remember what you need to do?’

  I nod.

  ‘OK, then, and don’t forget, when we come into land you need to start running along before we hit the ground, OK?’

  I bend at the knees and try to remember. ‘Uh-huh,’ I say with a wobble to my voice.

  This is going to be fine, this is going to be fine, I chant to myself.

  My trip away was supposed to be a break from my everyday life to think everything through and to put myself out of my comfort zone. Whilst I’ve been too busy with Danny to think about the big things that I was supposed to, this at least is challenging me. I’ll be well and truly #LivingMyBestLife, if I don’t wet myself or black out first.

  ‘You’re going to take a photo, right?’ I say to Danny as I try and stop myself from hyperventilating.

  ‘Yeah,’ he says waving the camera. ‘And my GoPro will record it on your helmet.’

  He walks over and flicks a switch. Perfect, no
w my screaming will be recorded for posterity.

  Danny leans over and I grab on to his neck and kiss him like this is going to be my last. Because, who knows, it might be. I signed the waiver for this; I know there are risks involved.

  Paul the pilot coughs behind me. ‘Do you guys need a room, or . . .’

  ‘Just in case something goes wrong,’ I say.

  ‘OK,’ he says whistling. ‘I guess it’s always good to say your last I love yous.’

  I feel my cheeks flushing. We haven’t even said our first yet. I can’t look Danny in the eye. Even if it were true, I couldn’t tell him for the first time with a stranger strapped to my back – it wouldn’t really set the right mood.

  ‘This wind is perfect,’ says Paul. ‘Let’s get going. Ready?’

  ‘As I’ll ever be,’ I mutter, looking up at Danny in desperation.

  ‘OK, I’m dispatching the sail,’ says Paul.

  Danny gives me a thumbs-up and suddenly I’ve twisted round as the parachute juts out behind us.

  Paul gives me a nudge as he gets the sail under control and I start to walk forward as instructed. It’s all a bit jolty and chaotic and I’m beginning to panic until I realise that my legs are no longer in contact with the ground and I’m sort of hanging mid-air. My stomach lurches as we bob up and down catching the wind and I may or may not have screamed just a little, or should that be a lot.

  I daren’t look around at Danny behind me and instead I focus on the beautiful blue sky and the light twinkling off the sea. I’m still struggling to breathe. I’ve never been phased by heights, but it feels a bit weird having absolutely nothing beneath me. But oh my God is it beautiful, and I feel so free.

  The next twenty minutes pass by in what feels like seconds and no sooner have I started to relax than it’s time to descend. I can see Danny on the beach below and I feel my stomach flip, and it’s nothing to do with the thermals we’re flying through. He’s waving and smiling and I can’t wait to tell him how amazing this was.

  We’re coming ever closer to the ground and I’m trying to ignore the sea that seems pretty close on my right and the cliff face that’s perilously close on the left. I keep focused on my shadow on the beach, which is growing ever larger, and all of a sudden we’re within touching distance of the sand and I straighten my legs before bam. I fall over and feel the weight of Paul falling flat on top of me. I’m about to try and move before we’re encased in the parachute.

  ‘Did someone forget to run in the air as we landed?’ says Paul, laughing.

  ‘I think so,’ I say wriggling around like a beetle trapped on its back.

  The parachute blows up at the side and I see Danny poking his head underneath.

  ‘Oh, like that, is it?’ he says, laughing at our collapsed heap.

  Paul unclips himself and shimmies off me before pushing the parachute off backwards while Danny helps me up to standing.

  ‘Well?’ he says, raising an eyebrow.

  It takes a second or two for me to stand properly as my legs have turned to jelly.

  ‘That was incredible,’ I say, letting out the biggest breath. ‘Absolutely incredible.’

  ‘I heard screaming and I wasn’t too sure . . .’

  ‘Screams of joy,’ I say and he gives me a dubious look. ‘Well, maybe not at first, but when I finally got into it they were joyful.’

  ‘My turn next,’ he says giving me an even bigger grin. ‘Can’t wait.’

  *

  I can see Danny coming into view. It doesn’t look quite as relaxing as I remember it being as now I can see just how tight the landing area is. It felt close from the air, but from here I can see it’s even closer than I thought.

  I edge forward on the rock I’m on, hoping that a big gust doesn’t blow Danny and Paul off course. I hold my breath and cross my fingers, only to exhale with relief as they’re nearly down and I giggle as Danny begins to run in the air. They hit the ground in a walk and remain standing. What a pro.

  I walk over as Danny unclips himself from the harness and takes his helmet off. He sweeps me into a big kiss.

  ‘Such a good flight.’

  We chat to Paul for a while as he packs up, then we say our goodbyes. Danny takes my hand and we start to walk along the deserted beach. Paul offered to drive us back to the main town, but apparently it’s only a forty-five minute walk over the headland to get back, and seeing as how this is the first time in three days we’ve made it off the apartment complex, we’ve decided to walk it.

  The two of us cannot stop talking about our flights. Danny’s gripping my hand and I can’t remember when I last felt this alive. Today totally ticked numerous boxes on the Living the Best Life quiz – doing something that scared me, doing something new, doing something that will stay with me forever.

  ‘Thanks, Danny,’ I say, turning to kiss him.

  ‘For what?’ he says, confused.

  ‘For this; I needed it.’ I stop and look out at the waves crashing onto the rocks. It’s stupid, as I live right next to the sea, but I so rarely take the time to look at it or to appreciate it. ‘This last year, it’s been . . .’ I struggle to find the words.

  ‘I guess it was rough breaking up with Ross.’

  I shake my head. It’s the first time that we’ve mentioned Ross. We’ve been too caught up in this delicious holiday bubble and neither of us have talked about our love lives and exes.

  ‘It was and it wasn’t. It’s been an adjustment getting used to being single after so long, but I don’t regret it for a second. It wasn’t right for so long. It was like all of a sudden it clicked and I knew I had to end it.’

  I hesitate because I don’t want to tell Danny that he’s the reason that I broke up with Ross. He’d said something in one of his letters about all his friends settling down and me and Ross getting engaged and it had made me realise how much I didn’t want that.

  ‘I think I just expected that after I broke up with him I’d revert back to who I used to be – you know, regain a bit of sparkle – but I didn’t seem to be able to. But that, paragliding, that made me feel it. This whole holiday has. I’ve felt properly alive. So thank you.’

  ‘Well, it’s been pretty hard work,’ he says, rolling his eyes.

  ‘Ha, yes, it’s seemed like it.’

  ‘So you’re all set and now all you have to do is keep that sparkle when you go back home.’

  I turn and look at the beach we’ve come from, mainly because I don’t want him to see the tears in my eyes at the thought that I’m going to have to go back to the real world without him.

  ‘Yes,’ I lie.

  ‘You’re off to a good start. The events you manage sound amazing and you like where you live.’

  I bite my lip. Now would be the perfect time to tell him that I might have embellished things a little. Tell him I’m an events coordinator and not an events manager; that I live in the granny flat in my sister’s basement.

  ‘Yeah, work’s great,’ I say, bitterly disappointed with myself. ‘It’s just . . .’ I feel embarrassed. Danny’s always had a high-flying career and even when he’d given that all up he’s launched his own business which is doing really well too. I don’t know if he’d understand.

  ‘It’s just what?’

  ‘I feel as if I can’t go any higher at my company and that I’m ready to. I don’t think my boss will promote me because she thinks I’m too good at what I do.’

  ‘So quit,’ he says, shrugging his shoulders as we start walking again.

  ‘I can’t. Well, I can, but I like where I am and I’m scared to move. The company I worked for in London was so awful and I had no life. I couldn’t go back to that.’

  ‘But you can’t stay in a job you’re unhappy in through fear of something worse.’

  ‘Can’t I? I’m not unhappy per se, I just want a promotion.’

  ‘And if they’re not going to give it to you, why don’t you work for yourself? Go freelance or set up your own business.’

/>   I sigh as I think about Roni and how happy she looked, but I know how much I’d hate it.

  ‘I don’t think it’s really me.’

  ‘Sorry,’ says Danny grimacing, ‘you were so happy, I didn’t mean to bring you down.’

  ‘You didn’t,’ I say, trying to get back to that feeling of soaring. ‘But you’re right, I need to think of making a change. That’s what I was supposed to be doing on this holiday. Having a think about what I really want out of life.’

  ‘Ah, and I’ve been distracting you.’

  ‘You’ve been a very welcome distraction,’ I say, as he helps me scramble over some rocks to get to the next cove.

  ‘As have you,’ he says. ‘Wow, this beach is stunning.’

  We’ve found ourselves in a tiny deserted cove with just a tiny strip of sand in front of the cliff face.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ I say, realising how much we’ve probably been missing out on while we were hauled up in the apartment for the last few days.

  ‘You know, some of the beaches are naturist. How about it? When in Rome . . .’

  I hastily wrap my coat further round myself.

  ‘If you think I’m getting my baps out in this weather, you’re severely mistaken.’

  Danny laughs. ‘Worth a try.’

  ‘No, during this excursion we’re keeping our clothes on. I’m sure we can do that for a few hours, right?’ I say more to myself than to him. I seem to have zero willpower when it comes to Danny.

  I see him wavering, but a man with a fishing rod walks down the cliff path in front of us. ‘Right,’ he says. ‘It is pretty cold. How about we go and get hot chocolate and churros instead?’

  ‘Sounds good to me.’

  It doesn’t take us long to climb up the cliff path and after another twenty minutes of walking we make it back to civilisation. We find a cute looking cafe just off the main drag and settle ourselves into a table by the window. The waiter takes our order and I rub my hands together relishing the warmth of being inside. It’s not long before the waiter returns with our order. and I greedily rip a churro apart and dip it into my drink.

  ‘You still look a bit down,’ says Danny. ‘Are you still thinking about your work?’