If We're Not Married by Thirty

by Anna Bell

  I wrinkle my nose up.

  ‘What I’m trying to say is that it’s great that you feel so strongly for Danny and I really hope that it lasts, but make sure that it’s not just an infatuation. Jim and I have been married for almost ten years now and not all our friends who got married at the same time have lasted as long as us. Those who have gone the distance seem to be the ones who accept that it’s not perfect.’

  I think back over all the Sunday dinners that I’ve been to in this house and the way that I’ve watched Kerry and Jim. There’s no denying that they love each other, but she’s right, I’ve seen them niggling at each other and the dagger looks that they’ve thrown.

  ‘Don’t forget we practically grew up together. I know Danny inside out.’

  ‘You knew each other when you were kids. You’re both grown-ups now,’ says Kerry, sternly.

  ‘Am I? I still don’t feel like one.’

  ‘I know, but people can change over time. Jim’s not the man I married. He’s not grown up at all, which means I sometimes feel like I’m a parent of two children. He’s much more stubborn than he used to be, and he’s definitely more risk averse.’

  ‘We just spent a week together in a tiny apartment in Spain,’ I say. ‘I don’t think there was much there that we could hide from each other.’

  ‘But that wasn’t real life, was it? Look, I’m happy for you, I really am,’ she says, getting up and retrieving a cake tin off the sideboard. She opens it up and offers me a homemade mince pie. ‘It’s just that I think you should make sure that this is really what you want. And if I’m honest, I think you should give it a bit more time. It’s not that long since you broke up with Ross.’

  ‘It was five months ago.’

  ‘Have you told Ross?’

  ‘Told him what? That I’ve met someone else?’

  ‘That you’re getting married,’ she says.

  ‘No. We’re all going to do the pub quiz next week, I’ll tell him then, not that he’s going to mind.’

  ‘I think you’d be surprised. You were together for five years.’

  ‘I know, but it was a mutual break up. We’ve both moved on.’ I try and put the thought of the mistletoe kiss out of my mind. It was nothing like the kisses I’ve had with Danny over the last few weeks. ‘I should have been honest with myself a long time ago and ended things years before. It was broken for a long time.’

  ‘Was it? Or was it just not as exciting as things are now with Danny?’

  I don’t get to answer the question as we hear footsteps down the hallway.

  ‘Flipping heck, she’s in training to be the next Arlene Philips. Talk about a bossy little choreographer.’

  Kerry smiles. ‘She gets that from me. Sorry, I should have brought your tea in to you. You must be desperate for one after that long drive. I’ll make you a fresh cup.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll just get a glass of water. That was quite the workout.’

  Kerry walks over to the cupboard with the glasses in and she’s going over to the tap to fill one up when she hears Olivia thundering down the hallway. She leaps into the kitchen and Danny looks nervous, wondering if she’s going to drag him back to the lounge.

  ‘So, can we talk about my bridesmaid dress now? Mum told me that I wasn’t supposed to ask until after you’d officially asked me. But you’re going to, aren’t you? I’m going to be bridesmaid?’

  I look between Danny and Olivia. We’d said we’d only have a small wedding. But those big puppy dog eyes of hers . . .

  ‘Of course you’re going to be bridesmaid,’ I say, planting a smile on my face.

  Olivia starts screaming and running around the kitchen and only stops when the doorbell rings.

  ‘Grandma! Grandma’s here,’ shouts Olivia, as she tears down the hall to get her.

  We hear the door open and the voice of my mother drifts down to us.

  ‘I invited her over for curry,’ says Kerry as she hands Danny his water. ‘I guess you’ll be joining us for that now, too?’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ says Danny, and I give him a small smile. It’s not quite the romantic reunion we’d wanted, but at least we’ve still got the rest of the weekend together.

  We hear my mum’s footsteps clip-clopping along the floor and I see Danny tense as she gets closer. ‘You’ve seen my mother a gazillion times before,’ I whisper.

  ‘It’s not the same,’ he whispers back. ‘She’s the monster-in-law now.’

  ‘Well,’ she says theatrically as she opens the door. She’s looking at me and Danny with the most intense gaze and it reminds me of the time she found us raiding her booze cabinet when we were in our early teens. ‘It’s about bloody time.’

  Chapter Eighteen

  Kerry and Jim are moving next weekend and I went over to entertain Olivia whilst they were packing and they found their wedding DVD. Man alive I still can’t believe she made me wear that monstrosity of a dress, it was even more hideous than I remembered. You seemed to do well dodging most of the video footage, but there is one bit that caught you dancing to Single Ladies. Oh, Danny Whittaker, you’ve got moves I never knew you had!

  Email; Lydia to Danny, June 2016

  What was supposed to be me grabbing a quiet takeaway with Kerry and Jim has now turned into an impromptu celebration. Here we are sitting in the lounge with not only Kerry and Jim, but also my mum, and the lesser spotted Keith – ‘well, it’s not every day my daughter gets engaged, darling’.

  The doorbell goes, ‘Oh God, don’t tell me you invited Hazel too,’ I say to Kerry, wondering if she would have had enough time to get down from the Lakes.

  ‘That’ll be the delivery driver,’ says Jim, jumping up.

  I breathe a sigh of relief.

  Olivia’s treating us to her Spanish concert, which is an assault on the ears, and I think everyone wishes they’d offered to get the door instead.

  ‘Right, Olivia, darling,’ says Mum, ‘we’ll have to finish the show off later.’

  ‘Or, actually, it might be bed time after the meal,’ says Kerry, looking at the clock. ‘It’s swimming tomorrow morning.’

  Olivia rolls her eyes like a pro. Heaven help Kerry and Jim when she’s a teenager.

  ‘Grub’s up,’ shouts Jim as he passes the doorway en route to the kitchen.

  ‘I’m starving,’ I say getting to my feet. Danny grabs my hand and I do a little swoon.

  The doorbell rings again.

  ‘Lydia, why don’t you get that?’ says Kerry.

  Perhaps I wasn’t wrong and Mum has called Hazel after all.

  I open the door and shriek with delight at the sight of Lucy.

  ‘Hello, you,’ I say, flinging my arms around my best mate.

  ‘I want to know everything,’ says Lucy, pulling straight out of the hug. ‘Everything.’

  ‘And hello, Ed,’ I say, as I stand back to let them in.

  ‘Lydia,’ he says, kissing me on the cheek. ‘I hear congratulations are in order.’

  ‘Ah, thank you. I can’t believe Kerry invited you, too – it’s like a proper party all of a sudden. I’m so happy you could come last minute.’

  ‘You won’t be,’ says Lucy in a mutter. She’s got a look in her eye and I suddenly realise as I shut the door that the chill in the air wasn’t only coming from outside.

  ‘So where is he, then?’ says Lucy, snapping a smile back on her face.

  ‘Well, yes, come on through and meet him.’

  She grabs hold of my hand and is practically jumping up and down as we walk into the kitchen.

  ‘Danny, this is my best friend, Lucy. Lucy, this is Danny, my fiancé,’ I say, taking the word for a little test drive.

  ‘Ah, Lucy of the great taste in underwear,’ says Danny, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

  He pulls back and notices Ed’s face is like thunder.

  ‘Ah, you must be her fiancé. Ed, is it? God, sorry, that sounded terrible. It’s just that Lucy bought Lydia some cracking underwear
for her trip to Spain and . . .’

  Danny turns round and sees that the rest of the guests round the table are staring at him.

  ‘Oh, um,’ he says, his cheeks going pink, and he sits down at an empty seat.

  ‘You carry on, Daniel. I always like to hear about my daughter’s knickers,’ says my mum raising a playful eyebrow.

  ‘I got Paw Patrol pants for Christmas,’ says Olivia, thinking that’s a perfectly normal addition to the conversation.

  Jim pats her on the head affectionately. ‘Right, so I just ordered a selection of different curries and bits, so dig in.’

  ‘This looks amazing.’

  ‘Doesn’t it? Makes a nice change from all the Christmas food,’ says Lucy, sitting down next to Danny and leaving Ed and I to sit next to each other, opposite them. It’s not all bad. I reckon I can play footsie with Danny from here.

  ‘It’s not doing much for my diet, though, and to think I’ve only got four weeks until I’m going to have to be in the mother-of-the bride outfit.’

  ‘I thought you were doing your Paleo Diet?’ I say as I watch her take a huge spoonful of lamb rogan josh.

  ‘I couldn’t get on with it. Too restrictive.’

  ‘Haven’t you only been doing it for three days?’

  ‘I know, but I missed bread too much.’

  ‘Right.’ So typical of my mother. ‘At least that makes it easier for the wedding dinner. Now we just need Hazel to stop being a vegan.’

  ‘I think she’s cracked too. She sent me a picture of her eating a huge chunk of brie at lunchtime,’ she says.

  ‘Perfect,’ says Danny. ‘See, nothing to worry about.’

  ‘What about my dress?’ asks Olivia. ‘When are we going shopping for it. Tomorrow?’

  ‘Danny and I are going out tomorrow, but I guess we’ll have to get it soon,’ I say, thinking about all the things that still need doing.

  ‘What about your dress?’ asks Lucy. ‘You’ve got to get that too.’

  ‘Yes, I keep daydreaming about it and forget that I need to actually buy it.’

  ‘I liked your other dress,’ says Danny with a wink.

  ‘I’m not wearing that again,’ I say thinking of the effect it had on Danny in his living room and how I ended up naked in front of his mum.

  ‘I’ll buy your wedding dress, darling. We can go shopping together.’

  ‘OK, great.’

  ‘Yes, I’ll look for an outfit too whilst I’m at it. I’ve got to find something utterly fabulous to wear as mother-of-the-bride. ’

  ‘I love a good wedding,’ says Lucy, clapping her hands together.

  ‘Just not your own,’ mutters Ed.

  I don’t think he meant for everyone to hear, but we all seem to be mid-mouthful and quiet.

  ‘So, Keith, are all your children married now?’ asks Kerry as she shoves the bag of naan breads in his direction in a bid to ease the tension between Ed and Lucy.

  He looks so formal compared to the rest of us. He’s wearing chinos and a neatly pressed jumper over a checked shirt. It’s not only the clothes he’s wearing but also the way that he’s carrying himself. He’s so upright and he holds his knife and fork the polite way. Before he speaks he dabs at the corners of his mouth with his napkin.

  ‘Almost. Suzanne, the middle one, is getting married in September,’ he says, as he takes a naan and puts it on the side of his plate next to the neat little piles of curry, rice and saag aloo.

  ‘Ah, that’s nice. Two weddings to look forward to then, Mum,’ I say.

  Mum’s fork clatters to the table. ‘Yes, well, I don’t know if I’ll make that. Might be a bit awkward.’ We all look at her, waiting for her to elaborate. ‘You know, with Keith’s ex.’

  I don’t really know much about Keith’s divorce, but I do know that that kind of thing can be complicated at weddings. I look over at Lucy, who’s nodding sagely.

  ‘I know exactly what you mean, Linda,’ says Lucy. ‘Weddings can be so awkward when you’ve got people who hate each other having to be in the same room. My mum’s already told me that she won’t come if my step-mum comes, and my dad says that he’s not coming unless she does.’

  I give Lucy a sympathetic smile.

  ‘But weddings, right. Everyone’s supposed to love a wedding.’ She lunges towards a bottle of red wine and almost knocks it over.

  ‘Here,’ says Danny. ‘I’ll do it.’

  He pours her a large glass and she practically downs it.

  ‘At least there’ll be free-flowing alcohol. That’s always the answer, isn’t it?’ says Ed.

  ‘Anyone else want some wine?’ asks Danny.

  ‘Yes, please,’ mutters everyone at the table, except Olivia, who’s oblivious to what’s going on with the adults.

  ‘So, I FaceTimed Hazel this morning and she played me the ukulele solo that she’s working on for the wedding. Now, I know you wanted things low key, but I had this idea that I could accompany her.’

  Instinctively I pick up my glass and start to drink the wine Danny’s just poured me. I really hope that Kerry and Jim have enough bottles to cope with all this.

  ‘With what? The triangle? Olivia’s tambourine?’ I ask. My mother is not known for her musical ability.

  ‘No, darling, I could sing.’

  ‘Ah,’ I say, struggling to think of a diplomatic answer. I think it would be easier to find more tuneful stray cats to sing for us. ‘Well, actually, Mum, we thought you might want to do a reading instead.’

  I catch Danny pulling a surprised face.

  ‘Oh, but I had this dance all worked out,’ says Mum, looking hurt.

  ‘Dance?’ pipes up Olivia. ‘I could do a dance. Oh, Auntie Lydia, I could do an awesome dance.’

  ‘To the ukulele music?’

  ‘Oh no,’ she says shaking her head. ‘I could dance to Beyoncé and I can floss.’

  ‘I don’t think now’s the time to brag about dental hygiene,’ says Mum.

  ‘No, Grandma,’ she says rolling her eyes. ‘The floss. Watch.’

  Before Kerry can stop her, Olivia’s jumped up and started to dance around the table nearly knocking everyone out as she flings her arms around.

  ‘Grandma, you can do this with me.’

  ‘Of course I can, darling,’ my mother says, pushing her chair back. I watch in horror as she starts dancing what can only be described as seductively round the table. She’s missed the point of the dance, her arms being too fluid and her hips more wiggly, and now she’s doing a shimmy at the back of Keith’s chair.

  Kerry grabs at her wrist and guides her back to her seat. I’m sure she was about to whip her leg over to straddle Keith.

  ‘Naan breads are nice, aren’t they, Keith?’ I say to him.

  ‘Yes, lovely. This curry’s really rather good. Much better than my local takeaway.’

  There’s not a hint of embarrassment on his face. It’s as if he’s blind to the crazy antics of my mother. Maybe that’s the secret to them still being together after all these years.

  ‘We have made an extensive effort to try out all the ones that deliver for free in a five-mile radius,’ says Jim.

  Keith nods as if that’s a very wise thing to do. He doesn’t carry on the subject but that doesn’t surprise me. He’s very much the type of person who speaks when spoken to and only then.

  My mum and he are like polar opposites and I’m sure that she doesn’t bring him to many family functions as we all find it so fascinating that they’re a couple that we study them as if we’re watching a nature documentary.

  ‘So can we?’ says Olivia, looking expectantly at me.

  ‘Can you what?’ I say, bringing myself back into the conversation.

  ‘Can Grandma and I do a dance for you at your wedding?’

  ‘Um, how about you could do the reading with her instead? It’s a really small room that we’re getting married in.’

  ‘I can dance small and do something other than the floss,’ she says, putting her hands
over her head like little waves.

  ‘I don’t think the venue would let you as there are lots of things that you could break,’ says Danny.

  ‘I could do it at the meal afterwards. We could do the Passey Dobble that we’ve been working on,’ she says to Danny.

  ‘Um,’ I say, ‘I think he’s going to be busy on the day. But how about we just buy you an awesome dress instead?’

  ‘And some sparkly trainers too?’

  ‘Um, yes, I guess so. And we could give you a pretty bouquet,’ I’m hoping to distract her from the dancing.

  ‘A bouquet?’

  ‘Of flowers.’

  ‘Oh, I’d rather have a magic wand.’

  ‘OK, then. Magic wand, sparkly shoes, bridesmaid dress. Anything else on your wedding rider?’

  ‘What’s a rider?’ asks Olivia. ‘Am I going to get to come in on a horse?’

  ‘No, sweetie,’ says Kerry through a mouthful of curry. ‘It just means your list of demands for you being bridesmaid.’

  ‘I get to make demands?’ she says, her eyes lighting up.

  ‘You’ve created a monster,’ says Jim, rolling his eyes. ‘I think shoes, a dress and a wand are enough.’

  ‘So, is Olivia going to be the only bridesmaid, then?’ says Lucy putting her fork down and giving me the same puppy-dog look that I got from my niece earlier this afternoon. ‘You are my bridesmaid and I always thought you’d return the favour.’

  ‘Oh, so you’ve decided on your bridesmaids, then,’ says Ed. ‘Must be about all you’ve decided on.’

  Lucy ignores him and flutters her eyelashes at me.

  ‘Well, we weren’t really going to have bridesmaids and then Olivia said that she wanted to and –’ I look between Lucy and Danny and he gives me a little nod. ‘But I guess it wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t a bridesmaid too.’

  My sister does a loud cough and I wonder if she’s got something stuck in her throat. Jim gives her a playful pat on the back as he laughs.

  ‘You all right there, wife?’

  ‘Fine, thanks, just um, reminding my sister that I’m here. I’m also fully available for bridesmaid duty.’

  ‘I can’t have you as a bridesmaid as well, at this rate twenty per cent of the guests will be fulfilling that function.’