by L. P. Maxa
She took the bottle out of Katie’s mouth and set it on the little white table next to her. Then she sat her up a bit, holding her jaw in one hand and patting her back with the other. “Please stop thanking me for this, Mason. I’m glad I can be here.”
“It’s like fate, right? That we met, that you knew M Kat.” I rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands.
Katie burped and Payton handed her to me, standing and walking over to her white dresser. “Yeah, I guess it is.” She took out some long gown-looking thing and shut the drawer.
I wasn’t religious but I was spiritual, I believed in something greater than myself. My dad and M Kat were taken from us, and it hurt like hell. Like I had a hole in my chest. But at least I’d been given Payton to help me make it through.
I wouldn’t have invited just any nurse into my home, into my safe space. I wouldn’t have trusted anyone but Payton, and the universe knew that. Knew I’d need some help, some support. I looked down at my baby sister, my smile going soft. “She’s perfect.” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “She’s so perfect, and they’ll never get to see her.”
Payton put her hands on my shoulders. “I bet they see her.” She rested her lips against the top of my head. “And I bet they see you too, see how great you are with her. Kate would be so proud of you, Mace.”
I broke. I couldn’t help it. I’d held it in all day, made all the right decisions, made the right statements. But sitting here in the nursery, having Payton say those words to me, I lost it. I sobbed.
Payton came around and sat back on the glider in front of me. She took Katie and put her up on her shoulder, then guided my head down to her lap. She rubbed my head, shushing us both to sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
Payton
Mason hadn’t wanted Katie at the funeral. He didn’t want her around all those people. All those cameras. As much as I wanted to be there for him, and to say good-bye to Kate, I knew he needed me to be at home with the baby. So I’d stayed at the ranch with her. When she was older, when all the media hype calmed down, we’d go see her parents. We’d bring flowers.
Mason kept everything on the other side of the gates. He’d deemed the ranch a safe space. He didn’t let agents inside the gates, reporters either. He’d do phones, he’d even Skyped a few times that I’d seen. But other than that, it had been him, Katie, and me for the last three days. No one else.
Katie was officially a week old. Mason was great with her, and I doubted he’d even need my help. Although I’d knew he’d lie and say he did. He wanted me here because he was afraid to be alone. I knew he was still crying at night when he thought I couldn’t hear him. We’d been taking shifts getting up with the baby. Taking turns sleeping in the living room with her. We’d pass each other in the hallway, zombielike high fives exchanged. When I wasn’t on the couch, I was in Mason’s bed. It smelled like him and I couldn’t help but breathe deep every time I lay down.
The baby was asleep in her bassinet when I heard him come through the front door. I wiped my hands on a dishtowel. I’d just got done cleaning bottles in the kitchen.
He gave me a sad smile when I walked into the living room. “Hey.” His suit jacket was in his hands, his dress shirt unbuttoned a little, and his tie long gone.
“How are you doing, friend?” I went to him, pulling him in for a hug and rubbing the back of his head when he rested it on my shoulder.
“To be honest, I’m glad it’s over.” He pulled back a little, but kept his arms around my waist as he peered across the room into the frilly pink bassinet. “Maybe the reporters will leave now.”
“Wouldn’t count on it, bud.” We both looked up and toward the door. “Hi.” The man standing there was gorgeous, in a cocky rock star kind of way. Even his little smirk screamed girls want me. “I’m Jacks.” He stepped farther into the room and held his hand out to me.
Jackson Cole. He was in the Devil’s Share. No wonder I thought he was hot. Everyone in that band was so good looking it wasn’t even funny. “Hi.” I put my hand in his. “Payton.”
He nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Payton.” He smiled slightly. “Mason was telling us all what a godsend you’ve been over the last week.” Jacks glanced at Mace and let go of my hand.
Mason put his hands on my shoulders, squeezing lightly and pulling me back against him in a gesture that made it look like we were together. Except we weren’t, and I needed to remember that.
“What’s up, man? I thought you guys were all headed home right after the service.”
Of course one of the hottest bands in the nation had come to Johnny Cadence’s funeral. “We are, we’re leaving first thing in the morning.” Jacks stepped closer to the bassinet, his smile widening when he looked down at Katie. “She so beautiful, Mace.” He straightened and put his hands in his pockets. “We wanted to talk to you before we left. Make sure you didn’t need anything.”
“You mean you wanted to ask me about rescheduling the tour.” Mason’s voice was hard all of a sudden, his tone ice cold.
“No.” Jacks met Mace’s steely gaze. “We don’t give a shit about the tour. Take your time, there is no reason to worry about that today.” He pointed at the bassinet. “Family is the only thing that ever really matters. Believe me, we understand that better than you could imagine.”
Mason’s shoulders slumped somewhat, like the fight he thought he was going to need to muster left him. The front door opened again and yet another beautiful person walked in. It was like a revolving door of runway models. I looked down at the shirt I was wearing. It was covered in baby formula and I knew my hair was gross and messy. A gorgeous woman walked in and headed straight for Mason. He stepped around me and she pulled him in for a hug. And he hugged her back, his face contorting like he was about to cry. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t place her.
The hugged for longer than an average hug, actually he clung to her. When she let him go she turned to me. “Hi, I’m Lexi.” Ah. Dash Conner’s wife. Well at least I could let go of that unnecessary and unwelcome twinge of jealousy their tight embrace had caused.
She held her hand out, and I shook it. “Payton.”
“Nice to finally meet you, Payton” She shifted her attention to Mason. “I know you’re probably drained after today, but Jacks and I just wanted a few minutes with you before we head home. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” Mason put his hand on my lower back, leading me into the living room. I needed to talk to him about all this touching that was happening tonight. It wasn’t smart. We were grieving and emotional. Things could get misconstrued in a heartbeat. And, hell, Mason would be an easy guy to fall for, especially right now when he was vulnerable and raw.
Case in point, he basically collapsed on the leather sectional. “Take a load off.” He gestured to the living room before him, indicating Jacks and Lexi should sit.
I cleared my throat. “You know, since you are all in here with Katie, I’m going to go grab a shower.”
Mason’s head jerked up. “You don’t have to leave.” His eyes were pleading with me to stay.
“I’ll be quick, I promise.” There was no reason for me to be there. He wasn’t alone. Katie wasn’t alone. And I reeked of baby formula. “It was nice to meet you both.”
“You too, Payton.” Lexi smiled, crossing her toned legs and settling in like she’d been here a million times. Hell, maybe she had. She was Dash Conner’s wife. Maybe they hobnobbed with actors like Mason’s dad all the time. Jacks winked at me on my way out of the room, and I fought the blush creeping up my cheeks.
Chapter Fourteen
Mason
Seven days old
I sighed, leaning back against the cool cushions. I was so fucking tired. Today had been the hardest day of my life. Laying both my father and M Kat to rest was gut-wrenching. But it had brought me a small amount of closure. The initial shock had officially worn off. My parents were gone. I needed to learn to live without them. And I had no fucking clue
how to do that.
“So. What’s up, guys?”
Jackson Cole and Lexi Conner, two of the people in charge of my current career, and possible future with RiffRaff Records. Lexi sat forward. “Mace, we just want you to know that we are here for you. For whatever you need, whatever you decide, we are behind you one hundred percent.”
“I appreciate that.” And I did. I just didn’t have the energy to jump up and down and give out any more hugs.
She continued, “Mason, you are a really talented artist. We all know that.” She took a deep breath. “The thing about being an artist is, it’s part of who you are. It’s in you. It’s your makeup. After I had Halen, I lost myself in her, in being a parent.” I noticed she hadn’t said mom, like she was trying to spare my feelings. No such luck, it still made my chest ache. “So much so that I misplaced a piece of who I was before I had her. I felt unfulfilled. And I felt guilty about feeling that way when I had this beautiful baby that needed me.”
“I don’t think postpartum depression is something I’ll need to worry about, Lexi.” Was it? Did guys get that? The person I would ask, the person who would laugh at my question, was gone. I’d never get to ask M Kat anything ever again. Like, why did you think I was good enough to parent my sister? Why did you ever think I could do this? Why did you believe in me so damn much?
“What I’m saying is that you can’t give up who you are. It’s not good for you, and in the long run it won’t be good for Katie either. She needs you whole and happy. Giving up music, it’ll take its toll.”
I scratched the back of my head. “I’m not giving up my music.” I couldn’t. I’d been making music since I was six years old. I wouldn’t know how to survive without it. It’d be like losing a vital organ. “You don’t ever have to worry about that.”
“Good.” Lexi nodded once. She stood and placed a kiss on my head. “We’re here for you, Mason, all of us. Please don’t hesitate to reach out, anytime day or night.” She placed her hand lightly on Katie’s back. “You’re turn, Jacks. I’ll be waiting in the car.”
After she shut the door I raised an eyebrow. “What are we talking about that Lexi felt the need to leave? I’ve already had the birds and the bees lecture.” I gestured to the bassinet. “And I know what unprotected sex leads to.” I was trying to make light of the situation. Of the fact that I had people in my home trying to give me asinine pep talks hours after I’d buried my parents.
Jacks chuckled. “Careful, man. Protected sex leads to that too, just ask Dash.”
That got a smile out of me. Which was rare these days, unless you counted all those times I couldn’t help myself where Katie and Payton were concerned. “What’s up then?”
“I’ll never be able to understand what you’re going through, Mace. No one will.” He leaned forward, putting his forearms on his thighs. “Ask for help.” He gestured down the hallway, where Payton had disappeared a few minutes ago. “Payton’s great, and she obviously cares about both you and Katie. If she offers, let her help you. Let her be there for you. This isn’t something you’ll be able to do on your own. Writing, recording, touring…none of that is conducive to raising a child. It’ll take a team of people. Fine yourself a good team, a good family.”
I wanted to scream in his face. I’d had a family, a fucking fantastic one. For the first time in my life, I’d felt whole. I had a father, and a mother, a baby sister on the way. My music career had taken off, and I was making it on my own. And without my dad’s name to get me there. My life was golden. And then, in the span of thirty seconds, it’d crashed. Now here I was, twenty-two years old with a child to raise, and RiffRaff Records in my living room giving me motivational speeches on the day I’d put my parents in the ground. Fuck that, I’d handled all I could.
“Look, I really appreciate the advice and you two coming all the way out here—”
“But?”
“But I’d like you to get the fuck out of my house. It’s been a long-ass week and I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around my next steps.” I walked over to my front door and held it open, inviting him to leave. “When I’m ready to restart my tour, you’ll be the first to know.”
Jacks took one more look at Katie and then walked toward me, a sad smile on his face. “We only came here to offer our support. Our experience.”
I nodded without looking him in the eye. “Today’s not the day, man.” I’d buried my parents. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, praying this was all one really vivid nightmare. “I’ll be in touch.” I shut the door behind him, throwing the lock in place and leaning back against it. I banged my head on the solid oak a few times, willing myself not to cry, to hold it together.
“Mason?” Payton was standing in the living room wearing shorts and a tank top. Her hair was braided down one side and her hands were on her slender hips. She looked so damn good. For the first time since I’d brought Katie home, I was looking at Payton with something other than affection and appreciation on my mind. It was wrong to want her. It was wrong to be thinking about sex today. I felt guilty for wanting to feel something other than this pain gripping my chest.
Today, on the second saddest day of my life, I was drooling at the site of the only person I trusted in this world. I was an idiot, a selfish prick. “Stay with me tonight.”
She furrowed her perfectly shaped brows. “Yeah, of course, I’d already planned on it.” She looked over at the basinet. “Katie will be up in about an hour, ready to eat, so I’ll just hang out here with her so you can get some sl—”
“No.” I walked toward her, my body on autopilot, taking its commands from the warring emotions in my brain. “Stay, with me.” When she opened her mouth to argue I cut her off again. “We’ll put Katie in my room, she can’t sleep in the living room forever.” After I’d finally crossed the room to Payton, I placed my hands on her face. “Stay with me, Payton. Please?”
I could see the conflict in her eyes. And I couldn’t even blame her. This was dangerous territory. I needed her. At this point, I’d never survive without her. She was my best friend and she was the only soft voice Katie knew. The only one who could calm her late at night, the only one who could get her to burp without spitting up everywhere. Payton was all Katie knew of a mother’s love.
And me wanting more from her? I couldn’t honestly tell you where that was coming from. My pain. My loneliness. My fear. And that was a dangerous problem to have, for all of us. I wasn’t ready to settle down, I’d told my dad that mere weeks ago. But here I was playing house. Asking the dream girl to risk it all because I was lonely.
You never know what the future might bring, punk.
Chapter Fifteen
Payton
I wasn’t sure what to think. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. Yeah, I wanted Mason. He was hot and kind, and the best sex I’d ever had. He made me laugh, and I really had looked forward to each and every phone call. But. He’d gone through so much over the last week. I wasn’t really sure if he actually wanted me. If he’d actually thought any of this out. Or if he was acting out of instinct, out of self-preservation, out of loneliness. I didn’t want to be a Band-Aid for him. It’d be like putting a small patch on the Hoover Dam. It’d never hold and then I’d be the one drowning in the end.
I looked up, almost afraid to meet his eyes, afraid that if I did I would cave. “Mace. I’ll stay. Of course I’ll stay. We can cuddle all night long if you don’t want to be alone. But that’s all, okay? We can’t complicate this with sex right now.” Deep down, I knew he wasn’t ready. I knew he had healing to do, and he had things to process. A life to learn how to live. Sex and what it might lead to would make things harder, more confusing.
“Payton.” He put his finger under my chin, lifting until our gazes met. “I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me.”
I let out a deep breath, thankful that he hadn’t pushed. That he hadn’t tried to kiss me, to tempt me. Because I wanted him, as much if not more than he wanted me. But Mason wa
s going through something terrible. Something unfathomable. I needed to be smart for all three of us right now. And I needed to protect our hearts.
I picked up Katie, cradling her close to my chest while Mace moved her bassinet into his room. He placed it beside his bed, adjusting it until it was within arm’s reach. He tossed his dress shirt toward the closet and let his slacks fall to the floor before stepping out of them. Then he collapsed on his mattress wearing only his briefs, watching me get Katie settled back down.
“You’re so good with her, Payton.”
I smiled and sat next to him, suddenly exhausted. “It’s kind of my job to be good with tiny babies.”
He pulled me down and then wrapped his arm around my middle, spooning me. “It’s more than that. You’re so kind, so loving.” He buried his face in my damp hair. “Katie and I are so damn lucky that you’re here. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, friend.” I was surrounded by his scent and by his arms. It all felt so good. Part of me wanted to turn and kiss him. I wanted him to roll on top of me, get lost inside me. I wanted to feel something other than hurt too, something other than grief.
But I stayed right where I was.
***
I woke up the next morning with Mason still wrapped around me. He’d gotten up with Katie more than once in the night, refusing my help every time I’d offered. Mason thought he needed me, but he didn’t. He and Katie would be fine on their own. I was selfish enough to let him think whatever he wanted for now though, because I wasn’t sure I was ready to leave.
“Shhh. Don’t wake her.”
I got shivers when I felt Mason’s breath against the back of my neck. He pulled me tighter against him and I couldn’t miss the hard length of his cock pressing against my ass. I should’ve moved away. I should’ve gotten up and gotten out of his comfortable bed, where the expensive sheets smelled like him. Like rich cologne and soap. But I didn’t. It’d been so long since I’d been touched that way, so long since he had touched me like that. I knew it was wrong, but just like the first night I met Mace, my body was driving and my brain was in the back seat. All the smart from twelve hours ago had left my head.
