Royalty (RiffRaff Records Book 1)

by L. P. Maxa

  Things could be so much worse.

  Katie could have died before she’d ever had a chance to be born.

  I could have never become friends with Payton.

  Where would I be without her? Where would Katie be without her? I was going to fuck this all up because I was a moron. I was a stupid kid who couldn’t handle his life. I slipped out from under Payton and headed into the living room. I picked a pillow up off the couch and screamed into it. I was going to fuck this thing up with Payton, and then Katie and I would both be lost.

  Katie started to cry and Payton was up and at her crib before I could even make it back down the hall.

  “Hey, sweet girl, what’s wrong?” Payton picked her up and checked her diaper. “Are you hungry? Huh? Or do you just need some love?” When Payton started to rock, Katie settled down. “There we go, you just needed to be held, huh?” She dipped down and kissed her forehead. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Payton was so good, so kind, so caring. She loved Katie like she was her own, and I couldn’t even admit that I loved Payton the same way. That thought was sobering. I was no good for her, not like this. Indecisive and scared was not a way to go through life. They both deserved so much better than me.

  “Mason? What’s wrong? Why weren’t you in bed?”

  “I was thirsty.” We both knew that was a lie. I could see it in her eyes. But she wouldn’t call me on it. She was too scared to spook me, too scared that I’d freak out again. I was making her timid, and I hated myself for it. Payton had called me on my shit from the get-go, and I’d made her afraid to. “You want me to take her so you can go back to sleep?”

  She shook her head. “No we’re okay.”

  She wasn’t, and neither was I. I’d been spiraling the past two days, and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do to stop it. I was losing it. Everything I’d held so carefully together since my parents died was starting to come unwound. And it all started with a kind word from a stranger.

  “Mason, you can talk to me.”

  I smiled and kissed her lips. “I’m fine, beautiful. Come back to bed, we’ll put her in the bassinet.”

  I wasn’t fine. I was about to hurt my best friend, and I fucking hated myself for it.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Payton

  I woke up the next morning to find both Mason and Katie gone. I pulled the collar of his shirt, the one I’d slept in, closer to my nose and inhaled deeply. I made my way down the hall, passing her empty nursery.

  “Hey. You two are up early.”

  He was sitting with her in the living room, feeding her a bottle with the news on TV. I cocked my head to the side when I realized that he was dressed already. Ripped jeans and a vintage The Who T-shirt. His hair was even fixed.

  “You going somewhere today?”

  He licked his lips, not meeting my eyes. “Yeah. I’m leaving.”

  My heart stopped for a second, my blood running cold in my veins. “Okay, where are you going?” There was no reason to be alarmed. I mean where could he go? The tour didn’t start back up for another couple of days. Maybe he had some errands to run.

  “The road. It’s time to restart the tour.”

  He still wasn’t looking at me. He’d look at the TV, at Katie, at my feet. But he refused to meet my eyes. “I thought you didn’t leave for another five days or something.” I swallowed past the bile that was quickly rising in my throat.

  “Yeah, well, I talked to the label this morning, and since it’s been awhile since I preformed they thought it’d be good to head out early. Get in some practice and get acclimated back to life on tour.”

  I snorted, suddenly more pissed than hurt. “Really? Two days after you lose your shit at dinner and drink yourself into a mild coma, your label calls? Super convenient, Mace.”

  He nodded, but didn’t speak, his jaw flexing.

  “You’re a liar, a coward, and an asshole.” There was so much more I wanted to say. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to scream at myself. I was so stupid, so naïve. I thought that if I didn’t bring our relationship up, I thought if I just lived in the moment with him…

  I’d convinced myself that Mason was healing, that he cared about me. That he’d never intentionally hurt me. But that’s exactly what he was doing right now. Hurting me, pushing me away. Saving himself from having to feel something other than lust and pain. I’d been his friend. I’d been his lover. I’d helped him when he had no one else, and I’d given him my heart. Well. Fuck him.

  “Get out.”

  “I have a few hours, let’s have breakfast before I go.”

  I scoffed. “Not a chance, get out.”

  “Payton, I’m not doing this to hurt you. It’s my job and you knew I was leaving. I told you, the label called and—”

  “Don’t you dare give me that weak-ass excuse. We both know what this is really about. You can’t handle the fact that this is your life. That Katie and I are it.” I shook my head. “Take your shit and get out of this house.”

  He stood up, Katie in his arms. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Of course he hadn’t, he’d been up all night trying to think of an excuse to leave us. Trying to figure out how to get out of this new life of his. A life where he had two people who counted on him, who loved him.

  Mason leaving like this, running away—it would put a hole in my heart. He’d just ruined everything. He’d just ruined us.

  He wanted to leave, he wanted to pretend that we didn’t matter? Fine. But I couldn’t drag this out. I was fighting back tears, I was seconds away from sobbing. I could feel it coming. And I’d be damned if I let him see me fall apart.

  He didn’t deserve my pain.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Mason

  Four weeks and five days

  Telling Payton I was leaving nearly killed me. The look on her face, the unshed tears in her eyes. It broke my heart. But it I was too much of a coward to stay for another week. I was too scared of what another five days of being in her arms, being inside of her would do to me. I wasn’t good enough for her or for Katie. And I’d end up fucking it all up. They had each other, and Katie needed Payton to survive. Part of me had died the day M Kat and my dad were killed. But Katie? She was full of life, and so was Payton. They didn’t need me here, screwing up and bringing them down. Freaking out over what people assumed, and getting hives every time I realized Payton was my girlfriend. I was nothing. I was less than nothing. And they’d be better off without me.

  I peered down at Katie, smiling despite the sadness gripping my chest. Payton had gone to the kitchen, slamming doors and cabinets. I took Katie down the hall to her room, to the room M Kat had decorated for her. The room where Payton rocked her.

  “Katie Bug. I’m going to miss you so very much. I’ll think about you every day and I’ll call as often as I can.” I was whispering, my throat thick with tears. “I’m doing this for you, I promise. Everything I do is for you. To make sure you have the best life possible.” I kissed my fingers and then laid them on her cheek. “I love you.” I laid her in her crib, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the second I shut the front door, Payton would come get her.

  We weren’t Katie’s parents. And apparently I wasn’t ready to pretend we were. I didn’t know if I’d ever be. I’d never be the dad she deserved, and she’d never get to know how it felt to be on the receiving end of one of M Kat’s smiles. I looked over to the bookcase in the corner, to one of the framed shots of M Kat’s maternity pictures. She was standing in a field, most likely here at the ranch, the sun was setting and my dad was standing behind her. His hands resting on her rounded stomach.

  I wiped away a tear and then left the only home I’d ever known.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Payton

  Seven weeks and five days

  I didn’t tell Mason good-bye. I didn’t care what he had to say. I didn’t want to hear it. I’d seen the look on his face the night before he’d left. I
’d seen the emotion in his eyes as he watched me with Katie in that glider. And I’d seen the fear take root, the uncertainty. I’d told myself that things would be okay, that we’d talk it out in the morning. But I never imagined he’d be packed and ready to go when I’d walked into that living room. He was weak. He was a coward.

  And he was gone.

  It’d been three weeks since he left. Katie was almost eight weeks old now, almost two months. She was such a happy little girl. She had just learned to smile and she rarely cried. I sent him pictures, tons of pictures of Katie. Sometimes he’d respond with a miss you girls, or a give her a hug for me. But usually it was just a quick thanks. His calls to check on her where getting further and further apart. And when he did call, it wasn’t like it used to be. There was no laughter, no joking around. He was distant and he seemed almost uninterested or too busy.

  I think that was what hurt the most. When Mason had been on tour before, he called me all the time and texted me randomly throughout the day. We always found things to talk about. We’d share our whole damn days. I knew that he was capable of that kind of communication. So basic radio silence meant he was avoiding us. Me and Katie. Maybe he’d moved on already. Maybe he was whoring it up on Groupie Island and we were already nothing but a distant memory.

  My phone rang, and I couldn’t help but wish it was him every time, knowing it wasn’t. “Hey, Momma.”

  “Hey, sweet girl. What are you up to today?”

  I moved the stroller back and forth when Katie started to stir. She hadn’t been sleeping long enough for this to count as a nap yet. “Katie and I came to the botanical gardens for a little fresh air and beautiful scenery. What about you?”

  “I have all three of you brothers coming for dinner tonight.” She sounded put out, but I knew that was all a front. She’d have the four of us living at home if it were up to her. “Why don’t you come? Bring that sweet baby you’re raising for that asshole.”

  I took a deep calming breath, refusing to get into Mason bashing with my mother. It was quickly becoming one of her favorite pastimes. “We would love to come to dinner tonight, but we have plans.” We didn’t. Unless you included an Eagles greatest hits album and a glass of wine once I finally got Katie to sleep. I loved my family, and I loved seeing them. They adored Katie. But I just didn’t have the energy for my parents or my older brothers right now.

  “A date? Do you need a sitter? You can drop her off here with me.” My mother sounded impossibly hopeful.

  “Nope. No date. Sorry.” I knew she just wanted me to be happy. But if she tried to set me up with one more of her friend’s sons, I was going to go postal. No one in my family quite knew what to do with the fact that I’d taken a leave of absence in order to raise Mason Maxwell’s baby sister.

  “Okay. But I’m sending Parker over tomorrow with leftovers.”

  “Thank you, Momma.”

  “You’re welcome, baby girl.”

  We hung up and I sat down on a wooden bench. It wasn’t the most comfortable place to take a rest, but Katie was asleep and the air smelled like roses. I’d had worse.

  “Hi.”

  I looked up, somewhat startled. “Hi.” There was a man standing in front of me. He was wearing a collared button-down shirt and khakis. And loafers? He looked like he used to belong to a rich boy fraternity and now he sold stocks and bonds. I glanced at the phone in my hand. Had my mother sent him? Was she stalking me now?

  The man standing in front of me had a toddler with bouncy blond curls gripping his finger. He held his free hand out. “I’m David, I think we go to the same pediatrician.”

  I shook his hand, smiling warmly once I realized I wasn’t being ambushed. “You know, I think you’re right.” I bent forward addressing the little boy leaning against his leg. “Max, right?” He smiled.

  The man, David, pointed to the stroller. “And that’s Katie.”

  I nodded. “Yes. And I’m Payton.”

  “Payton.”

  He said my name with a grin on his lips. I wasn’t really sure what else to say. Small talk? The weather? “Have you guys checked out the butterfly exhibit yet?” Really? How did my family expect me to date? I couldn’t even have one casual conversation.

  “We are on our way there right now.” His gin grew. “Would you like to join us?”

  “We already walked through it.” I could have just said yes. I could have just gotten up and walked my sleeping baby through the damn thing one more time. What would it hurt? “Maybe next time?”

  He nodded. “I’d like that.” The kid clutching his hand started to fidget, swaying from side to side, and obviously done waiting for his dad to finish talking so they could go. “It was nice running into you, Payton. I’d love to do it again.” His face was hopeful.

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  He walked away, looking back over his shoulder. I waved. “Bye, Max.” The adorable little boy turned, waving wildly. Is this what my life had come to? Meeting divorced men through well checks?

  I sighed, peering into the stroller. “What’s wrong with me, Katie Bug? That guy seemed nice enough, right? He was cute. His kid was cuter, but still.” I rested my cheek on the hand that was holding her stroller in place. “What am I waiting for?”

  I was waiting for Mason to come home. In the back of my mind, no matter how pissed off I was that he left, I was waiting for the day he walked back in the door. The tour went on for only three more weeks. What was three weeks in the grand scheme of things? Maybe he’d come home and sweep me off my feet. Beg me to forgive him and ask me to live happily ever after.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Mason

  The tour had been five weeks of nonstop chaos. I’d made the label pack in the dates, told them I wanted to get as much exposure as possible. I wanted to capitalize on the media hype surrounding my parents’ deaths. If the press was going to be hounding anyone, it needed to be me. Not Katie and Payton back at the ranch. They’d had to double security on the road, and I wasn’t able to stay at hotels anymore. I lived on the bus, surrounded by guys triple my size packing more than just Tasers. I called home every once in a while, checking in on Katie. When Payton answered she was cool, distant. I didn’t blame her. I’d done this. I’d created this void between us. And it’s not like I had anything to say to her anyway.

  “Hey, man, great show tonight.” I looked up, watching Luke and Harlow enter my dressing room through the mirror.

  “Thanks.” I wiped my face with a towel. “I didn’t know you guys were coming tonight.”

  Harlow picked up an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and tossed it into the trash, shooting me a really? type of look. “Well, the tour is over in a couple of days so we wanted to make sure we caught you when we could. You were great out there. The crowd loves you.”

  The crowd loved the drama and tragedy surrounding my life. They loved that I looked broken, that I teared up when I sang certain songs. Songs that reminded me of Katie, or Payton, or my parents. They loved the heartbreak because they were assholes.

  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you guys about the tour as well, actually.” I got up and changed my shirt. “I want to extend it. Another six or eight weeks.”

  Luke and Harlow looked at each other, silently communicating. Luke moved his eyes to me. “Why? Aren’t you ready to get home? You haven’t seen Katie in over a month. You made your money, man. Your crew is set. The album is doing fantastic. There is no need to stay on the road right now.”

  He thought I was a heartless prick. I could see it in his expression, hear it in his tone. Maybe I was. But I sure as shit wasn’t ready to go home yet. I couldn’t face them, Payton or Katie. I didn’t deserve either of them. The half-life I’d been living since the morning I left them had tarnished my soul. I’d left, and they were better off without me.

  M Kat and my dad had made a mistake. Payton was good for Katie, and I was bad for Payton. Ergo, I needed to stay away.

  “I just think we should keep going. This mome
ntum is crazy and we sell out every venue.” I shrugged like I’d given all this some real thought. “Katie is so little right now. I rather extend the tour, and then take a couple of years off to write another album. That way I can be at home with her when it counts. When she’ll miss me if I’m gone.”

  They looked at each other again, and I barely contained my eye roll. It was Harlow that made the decision in the end. “Okay. If that’s what you want, we’ll add another six weeks.”

  “Eight.” I couldn’t go home. I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.

  “Seven.” Her eyes told me not to push or she’d put an end to everything tonight. I could tell she wasn’t happy about the extension, wasn’t on board.

  “Deal.”

  ***

  “Payton, it’s me.” I swallowed a sip of whiskey. “I know I haven’t called in a few days, and I’m sorry. I hope everything is good. I hope y’all are well.” I cleared the familiar burn from my throat. “I just wanted to let you know that the label is extending my tour. They’ve added another seven weeks. I know that your leave of absence is up soon, but I hope that you’ll stay with Katie. If you can’t, let me know and I’ll get someone to help you find a full-time nanny. I know that what I’m asking isn’t fair, but there just isn’t any way around it, and Katie’s still too young to come on the road with me.”

  There was so much more I wanted to say, so much more I needed to say. But I was a coward, so I just hung up. I was alone on my massive tour bus. I reached down to the floor beside me, grabbing the bottle I’d sat there. I’d been drinking off it since the concert ended.

  I didn’t party. I didn’t hook up. I just played my songs, and then drank until I passed out. Rinse and repeat. This was my life now. I turned the bottle up, swallowing until my insides started to scorch. And just like the night before, and the night before that…I passed out seconds after the last drop.