Women in Clothes

by Sheila Heti

  SHEILA: (laughing) I keep having this line from a sixties women’s magazine in my head, like, “And yet she still managed to find a husband, ladies!”

  MAC: (laughing) Yeah, my husband still married me, even though I never change my clothes. We met when I was reporting in Haiti and I was wearing a five-year-old American Apparel T-shirt, and it definitely had holes in it. But he thought I looked beautiful!

  COLLECTION

  GWEN SMITH’s concert T-shirts

  SURVEY

  UNINTENTIONAL

  “Mainly, I’m just trying to keep what I’m wearing from being a problem.” —MARY DUENWALD

  EILEEN MYLES During the Iraq war I had a crew cut and just absently bought a camouflage duffel bag and started getting treated really well and I realized it wasn’t that they thought I was a man. It was that I was willing to die for my country.

  LAUREN SPENCER KING My grandmother was a painter. She always had on so many colors, and the more jewelry the better. She had terrible arthritis and had this theory that wearing these huge intricate rings on every finger would distract people from the way her hands looked, but instead it just made them want to look closer.

  SANAA ANSARI KHAN When I was about eight years old, we went together as a family to a party at my parents’ friend’s home. My mom dressed me in a pink frilly dress with bells. They jingled every time I moved. It caught the attention of the other kids at the party, and before I knew it, they were sifting through the layers of my dress to see where the noise was coming from.

  MARION LARSEN When I took my first job as an addictions counselor, my clients were a group of black homeless women. They spoke very rapidly and used slang I didn’t understand. I tried to dress “professionally” to appear as if I understood things much better than I really did. I had to laugh when I heard them say of me, “Well, here comes Mary Poppins with her pearls.”

  LYDIA JOHNSON I bought my sister a slinky red dress to wear on dinner dates with her husband when she was pregnant. She didn’t like it at all. I wanted her to feel beautiful and put-together but hadn’t considered any issues she might have had with her body or self-image while pregnant. Who wants to wear something tight and uncomfortable when you’re growing a tiny human?

  ELIZABETH KAISER I was living in Florida and bought a dress as a laugh. It was fluorescent and hooker-ish. I told people it was my “Italian prostitute” dress. I wore it to the most fun party, where I ended up befriending a police officer who took me for a moonlit ride on his horse!

  OLIVIA S. In second grade, my Girl Scout troop decided to complete the fashion badge. The activity was a field trip to a department store where we would pick out clothes, try them on, and hold a little fashion show with the outfits we put together. I picked out a polo shirt and khaki pants because it was what I wore every day and I had never really thought about wearing anything else. I was so embarrassed when all the other girls came out of the dressing rooms in crazy frilly dresses and scarves and hats. I still have a photo of my seven-year-old self walking down the “catwalk” in my plain polo shirt.

  AMY RUDERSDORF I grew up with artistic aunties. I remember as a kid seeing one auntie’s leg hair poking out of her magenta tights. I’ve never forgotten it. It says a lot about who she is, probably without her even knowing it.

  MICHELLE GARRETT One time in junior high, I tried wearing a new pair of overalls, which was not something I’d ever worn before. My best friend told me they made me look pregnant.

  MARTHA McCARTY An 18-carat gold fingernail was a gift from my sister after a low (post-divorce) point in my life. She said I needed to wear something fun and frivolous. I naively paraded around, conspicuously flashing the nail glued to my pinkie finger, until someone told us a gold fingernail is used to scoop cocaine. I wear it still.

  ALICIA BERNLOHR In American Vogue, a young designer said she liked to wrap duct tape around her breasts for a makeshift bandeau bikini top and write “Chanel” on it in Sharpie to wear to the beach. Was this some kind of joke? I have no clue, but Anna Wintour really printed it in her magazine. I decided to use a roll of silver duct tape as a strapless bra under a tube top to visit friends in Toulouse, France. We all went out to a hip bar downtown. I felt really grown-up, drinking cocktails and flirting with French men. Then I realized everyone was looking at me. My tube top had slipped down. The tight loops of duct tape emerged. It didn’t even seem like some cool S&M bondage thing. It just looked bizarre.

  SARAH STEINBERG In my very early twenties I acquired my grandfather’s old “Russian hat.” It was a dark brown fur, boxy, it covered my ears, and it was tall enough to give me three more inches. I wore it all the time. I wore it to class, to the pub after class. Once I wore it to see a band, and from the audience I fell in love with the drummer, to whom I introduced myself after the show. I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do that if it hadn’t been for the hat. He walked me home after the show, then told all his friends that we had sex.

  ON DRESSING

  SURVEY ANSWERED WITH PHRASES FROM MY DIARY

  SHEILA HETI

  Are there any dressing rules you want to convey to other women?

  Sometimes all a woman needs to look stylish is to be standing in front of some beautiful flowers.

  Are there any dressing tricks that make you feel like you’re getting away with something?

  For me, the more I care, the worse I look.

  Do you address anything political in the way that you dress?

  Was it just about keeping warm?

  Do you have style in any areas of your life apart from fashion?

  I always want a relationship that feels like a block of steel—but perhaps consider instead: love that feels like the thinnest man’s undershirt, in many places ripping.

  Have you ever stolen or adapted dressing ideas or items from friends or family?

  I’m happy to wear something that Margaux likes, or Leanne likes, or Kathryn likes, because I like them.

  How do you shop?

  It looks good.

  How do institutions affect the way you dress?

  I feel like half the reason I got married was because I wanted to wear a wedding band.

  How does makeup fit into all this for you?

  But I didn’t mind being dead, because I had been an artist.

  If you were asked to explain your style philosophy, what would you say?

  There’s something to be said for the person who does not discern. Something to be said for the truly democratic heart that can see the good everywhere.

  If you had to throw out all your clothes but keep one thing, what would you keep?

  When I was in Istanbul, Elif and I came up with a game. We would ask each other questions, knowing what the other person’s answer revealed. For instance, if I asked her, “What is your favorite movie?” what I was thinking was, “Your answer will tell me what the plot of the next book you write will be.” At one point Elif asked me, “What is your favorite article of clothing?” and I said, “A simple dress.” She said, “That is your life in Toronto.” It made sense to me: I can come to Toronto and slip it on—my friends are here, my family is here, my work is here, my boyfriend is here.

  If you were totally comfortable with your body, what would you wear?

  Whatever is beautiful and falling apart.

  In what way is this stuff important, if at all?

  Kate Moss wrote a poem.

  Please describe your emotions.

  I went out last night in New York to meet all my friends looking like this—tears and bra and all.

  Please describe your mind.

  Part of me was curious to live out this other self, to discover her, but a greater part of me was relieved to think I didn’t have to—that no one was creeping up behind me to rip away the life I have—meaning I should get rid of it now so I don’t have to suffer when it all inevitably falls apart.

  Was there a moment in your life when something “clicked” for you about fashion or dressing?

  Mar
ilyn Monroe had help.

  What is the most transformative conversation you ever had on the subject of fashion or style?

  Your present is a lovely dress that’s all in one piece, Elif wrote, to remind me.

  Was there ever an important or paradigm-shifting purchase in your life?

  It cost $350 in a fancy part of town.

  What are some things you do to feel sexy or alluring?

  This morning, jaywalking, I crossed in front of the truck of an old man.

  What are things you admire about other women?

  I always try to be a “pretty girl,” but I admire someone like Margaux, whose image is far more complex.

  What are your drawers and closets like?

  On the plane to Coral Gables, Florida, I made a list of all the clothes I own: two hundred items. My plan is to edit my closet this way—whatever I forgot to write down, I’ll give away.

  What do you consider beautiful?

  I could build up my aesthetic from looking at a tree.

  What do you consider ugly?

  No ugliness.

  What do you think of perfume? Do you wear it?

  I asked him the other day if he would mind if I grew out my armpit hair.

  What is an archetypal outfit for you, one you could have happily worn at any point in your life?

  I thought, “I want to go home now,” and took the streetcar back to my apartment, back to my neighborhood.

  What is your process for getting dressed in the morning? What are you considering?

  I don’t want to look like Audrey Hepburn.

  With whom do you talk about clothes?

  This is something I have never done.

  COMPLIMENT

  “GLASSES”

  Mary steps onto the elevator at her university at the same time as a short, brown-haired woman wearing glasses with periwinkle-blue frames. They ride one floor down together.

  MARY: I really like your glasses.

  WOMAN: Thank you!

  MARY: The colored frames look so cool. I always want to get a pair like that.

  WOMAN: Yeah, I have a few. I like to match them to my outfit whenever I can.

  Mary notices that the woman is also wearing shoes with periwinkle-blue squares.

  COLLECTION

  HEIDI JULAVITS’s striped shirts

  SURVEY

  Milena Rosa

  I did the survey with my daughter. She’s always been very deliberate about her clothes. She’s five. —SASHA ARCHIBALD

  Do you remember the first time you were conscious of what you were wearing?

  I am always conscious of what I am wearing.

  What lessons did your parents teach you about clothing or style?

  Don’t pull them or they will sometimes rip. You might have some fancy clothes that you want to wear but you didn’t wear it because your mom and dad said no.

  Did you ever buy an article of clothing without giving it much thought, only to find it much more valuable as time went on?

  Yes, this dress. First I didn’t really like it because there’s too many flowers, but then I said I like flowers and this dress became my favorite. Also, this hat. I didn’t like it at first, because I thought my eye color wasn’t green, but then I saw my eye color and it was green and it matched the hat, so then I liked it.

  Did you ever buy an item of clothing, certain it would be meaningful to you, but it wasn’t?

  First I loved this hat for my doll. It came in a box and I love the doll. Then when I saw that it didn’t fit my doll, I didn’t really like the hat anymore.

  Looking back at your purchases over the past five years, can you generalize about which were the most valuable things to buy?

  These sparkly sneakers. I like them because they are so sparkly except the holes where the laces go, and the bottom is pink, and there’s a white stripe and a pink stripe but the part I like most is the bottom. It’s my favorite sneakers and they’re sparkly, and sparkly is my favorite. But they don’t fit yet ’cause they’re too big. Also, my dress-up shoes. I like them ’cause everywhere is sparkly except the bow and it’s white sparkly and red sparkly and some more white sparkly and there’s also yellow and golden sparkles and they have high heels and they’re only for dress-up or I used them for Halloween. I feel happy and I feel like I look really beautiful.

  Did anyone ever say anything that made you see yourself differently, on a physical or sartorial level?

  One time someone said, “I like your shoes!” and one time someone said, “I like your dress!” and one time someone said, “I like your sparkly pants and your hair” and everything that I am.

  Were you ever given a present of clothing that really touched you?

  Yes, my aunt Jarmila gave me a shirt with little beads and it sparkles in the sun and I like it so much and it’s long-sleeved. I want to show you how I wear it. (She leaves to put it on.)

  Have you ever successfully given someone a present of jewelry or clothing that you feel good about?

  I made a special thing for my friend Langston and I sent it to him and I felt good about it. It was some jewelry that I didn’t really want anymore. I glued it to the paper. I think he liked it.

  What sorts of things do you do to feel sexy or alluring?

  Making braids and doing a four-river or three-river hairstyle. Or a ponytail.

  What sorts of women do you tend to notice in the streets?

  I like the clothes in my family the best. My mommy and daddy is my family. And my friends.

  What is really beautiful for you, in general?

  My fancy dresses, my dress-up dresses, and my rings and everything I have that’s really pretty.

  What do you consider very ugly?

  (She goes to the bathroom and gets the bathroom tub plug.)

  This. This thing is really ugly.

  Would you say you “know what you like” in the area of fashion and clothing?

  Sometimes I know what I like, and sometimes I don’t really know, ’cause I forgot right then what I like.

  How does makeup fit into all this?

  I want to wear makeup when I’m like a teenager, or a grown-up. I would like to wear blue makeup and red makeup and green makeup and lipstick. And ChapStick, too.

  What’s with your hair?

  It’s exactly how I like it. I like my hair more than anyone else’s. My hair is blond and turning brown. The thing that I like is how short it is. It’s okay if it changes colors but I want it to be as short as it is forever.

  Please describe your body.

  I don’t really know what to say.

  Please describe your mind.

  Sometimes my mind tells me what to do but I don’t do it ’cause I can’t. Like sometimes I need to go potty and my mind screams, “Go potty! Go potty! Go potty!” but I can’t ’cause there’s not a bathroom. That’s very weird. Sometimes my mind says, “Go potty!” in a baby voice, and it cries, too, when I can’t go potty. My mind pretends it’s a baby.

  Please describe your emotions.

  Sometimes when I’m happy I actually feel sad but I’m really happy. But then when I’m sad, I change and start to feel like I’m funny.

  What are some things you need to do in order to feel presentable?

  I sometimes want to go to school with fancy clothes but my mom says, No, no no no no. I try to wear them anyway but my mom takes them off. Also, I wear clean underwear every day. I had a playdate yesterday with a boy. It was so fun ’cause he wore my underwear and I wore his underwear. He was pretending he was a girl and I was pretending I was a girl that didn’t have any girl underwear so I had to wear boy underwear. It was so fun.

  What are you wearing on your body and face, and how is your hair done, right at this moment?

  I’m wearing a little-princess costume. It has sparkles, it’s yellow, it has short sleeves, and there used to be two little things stuck on it but one broke off. I have Snow White shoes that I wear with it.

  Is there anything that came to min
d while filling this out that you wanted to say?

  I want to add another thing to the ugly question. (She leaves to retrieve a toothbrush.) This is also very ugly.

  PROJECT

  WEAR AREAS | JINNIE LEE

  1 I’m the only person in my family who wasn’t born with the double eyelid, a highly coveted trait among Asians. Unlike parents of my other Asian friends growing up, mine never brought up eye surgery. I’m so grateful for that. Lately I have been wearing eye shadow, and my dad said to me, “Oh wow, you look like you have the double eyelid.”

  2 I have a little tattoo of a sad face that stares back at me whenever I’m sitting. I got it done impulsively at a time when I was feeling depressed, even though I’m not at all a depressed person. Now it serves as a reminder to remain positive.

  3 I was at a naked bathhouse with my very free-spirited mom. She looked down and asked me in earnest, “Do you get that trimmed? Why do you do that?” She’s the only woman who knows how to embarrass me, though I know she doesn’t mean to.

  COLLECTION

  JULIA LEACH’s jean jackets

  CONVERSATION

  THE SURFER IS NOTHING WITHOUT THE WAVE

  ART HISTORIAN ALEXANDER NAGEL SPEAKS TO SHEILA HETI

  SHEILA: Tell me about the relationship between the words “style” and “stylus.”

  ALEX: “Style” comes from the word “stylus,” which refers to a writing or drawing instrument. So I love that “style” immediately has a few meanings. It is the instrument, and by extension the hand that moves it, and also the trace left by the hand and instrument. When we talk about style, we are always talking about those things. When we say, “She has such great style,” we mean the clothes, but not just the clothes. We also mean the sensibility that chose the clothes, and the body that found the clothes to suit it and that moves inside the clothes.