Side Effects

by VK Powell

  “Sure, I am good at it. Doctor says I have inflamed connective tissue pressing on nerves in my hands and feet. I drop things, cannot raise my foot or hand sometimes. He says it may eventually lead to permanent paralysis. That is why my Neela works so hard, you know. She wants to find the magic cure for all my ailments.”

  “Knowing your dedicated daughter, she just might succeed.” While they talked, Jordan did a quick check to make sure Bina hadn’t broken anything. “Let’s get you up, okay?”

  “You cannot lift. Your shoulder is hurt.”

  “Maybe we can do it together.” Jordan pulled a cushioned chair to the foot of the bed so Bina could help pull herself up. She grabbed hold with her good arm on the other side, and Bina rose easily into the chair. “Okay? Anything hurting now that you’re upright?”

  “No, good as new. Thank you.”

  “Are you sure we don’t need me to take you to the hospital for a checkup? Something might be fractured that I can’t see.”

  “Absolutely not, and if you tell Neela about this, you and I will have words.”

  Jordan raised her hands in surrender. “And we wouldn’t want that. Where to now? Family room, back to bed, what’s your pleasure?”

  “Bed, I think. The sun is not even up. Would you sit with me, if you are not too tired?”

  “I’d like that.” She helped Bina into bed before pulling the chair around. “What would you like to talk about?”

  Bina pulled at a strand of her silver hair like a child. “Tell me about the first time you met my Neela.”

  Jordan couldn’t keep from smiling as she recalled the picture etched in her mind. “I saw Neela for the first time at her office. She was so beautiful in a pale-yellow suit with a white scarf at her neck. The sparkle in her eyes seemed to light up her entire face, just brilliant. When she smiled at me, I wanted to stare at her all day. I felt warm and safe and…important that she’d noticed me. But I was also afraid of her openness, so I acted like a complete pri—jerk. I’d decided I didn’t like her before we met because of her job. When she pinned me with those eyes and didn’t back down, I was a goner.” She was surprised by her admission.

  Jordan stopped, afraid to look at Bina. She’d basically admitted to Neela’s mother that she had the hots for her daughter. “Sorry, that probably didn’t sound very nice. I don’t mean any disrespect.”

  Bina chuckled. “You liked her but you did not want to. She has that effect sometimes. People see the goodness of her heart and are drawn to her.”

  She’d been anything but kind and caring with Neela. She’d been disrespectful and even cruel. “Bina, I…I’ve done things.”

  Bina reached for her hand and held it until Jordan met her gaze. “We have all done things we wish we had not. We are just making our way through life the best we can. The important part is to learn from those things. From what I see in my daughter’s eyes, you have done nothing to lessen her feelings for you. Quite the opposite.”

  Jordan blinked away her tears. “I hope you’re right, but I’m not sure how she’ll feel when I tell her everything about myself.”

  “She will feel the same, as I do about her. Love does not change because of your past, only because of what you do now. When you are ready, she will be there for you.”

  “I hope you’re right.” Jordan cleared her throat and breathed more easily. “Some things are difficult to say aloud, so thank you for listening.” But this was only the beginning of Jordan’s secrets, and the others filled her with the worst kind of dread. “Speaking of your daughter, where could she be at this hour? She went to meet Liz. Have you heard from her? I slept too soundly to hear anything until the alarm.”

  “She is probably working still in the new lab. She gets lost in her research.”

  A tinge of jealousy niggled in Jordan’s gut, but she pushed it aside. “Do you need anything else?” Bina shook her head. “I don’t like leaving you alone even for a while.”

  “I am fine on my own. Besides, I have a very loud panic button.”

  Jordan kissed her forehead and on the way to the shower dialed Neela’s cell. It went straight to voice mail, and she hung up. She called Bex next. “Where’s Liz?”

  “It’s not even morning yet. She’s right here beside me. Why?”

  “Ask her if she knows where Neela is. She hasn’t been home all night.” She heard Bex and Liz mumbling and tried to be patient. Her insides were coiled knots. When she’d been on the protection detail, at least she knew where Neela was and that she was generally safe. Not knowing was the absolute worst.

  “Nope. Liz left the lab on Northwood around midnight, and Neela was still working. Have you checked with the protection detail?”

  “You’re right. She’s probably still there. Can we get together later and make a plan for surveillance on Elliot Ramsey?”

  “Sure. Shoot me a text when you’re ready, and I’ll swing by and pick you up.”

  She didn’t bother with good-bye, choosing instead to ring Phil. “Where are you?”

  “Across from Cone Hospital on Northwood. Why?”

  “Is Doctor Sahjani there?”

  “Why else would I be here? Duh. I don’t see how she does it. She’s got the stamina of—”

  Jordan disconnected the line and dropped onto the bed. Her heart was racing and her armpits were sticky. She’d been on the verge of a panic attack. She was always calm under work-related stress and thrived on the adrenaline surge, until recently. Her emotions had been crazy wild since the day she met Neela and exacerbated by her visit to the orphanage. But this feeling was different—fear, plain and simple—fear for Neela’s safety. She’d lost Amy, but she couldn’t handle it if she failed again.

  She paced, unable to settle or decide what to do next. Turning on the shower, she stepped under a cold stream. Icy water pounding on her back and shoulders summoned the terror of returning to the annex yesterday. The fear of not knowing if Neela was safe was almost as horrifying. The prickly spray shocked her body.

  She needed to run, ride, fight, fuck, or something. Pain built and centered where it always did—between her thighs. Grabbing a towel, she clenched it in her teeth and screamed, muffling the sound. She felt helpless and out of control. She slid down the side of the shower, clutching herself and crying.

  Would she always be afraid of what lurked in the darkness of her mind and of her inability to protect those close to her? She’d resurrected the ghosts with her return to the orphanage, but she needed to expose them to the light to be truly free. She screamed into the towel until her throat burned and she had no concept of how much time had passed.

  “Jordan! Jordan, are you all right?”

  She saw a figure through the glass door coming toward her. “Don’t touch me. Go away.”

  “Jordan, it’s Neela. I’m coming in.”

  “No! You can’t see me like this.” Was she afraid for Neela to see her crying or naked? The idea of either made her cower farther into the corner. “Go away, please.”

  “Jordan, listen to me. I have your robe. It’s warm and soft, and I’ll close my eyes while you put it on. Deal? I know you’re freezing in there and you’re scared. I can help.”

  Neela held the robe open so she couldn’t see Jordan’s body. Jordan breathed like she was giving birth until the pain passed and she could stand. “Okay.”

  “I’m right here, and I’ll hug you when you’re covered. Just so you know.”

  Jordan tucked her arms into the hefty robe and tied it around her waist. She brushed the wet hair off her forehead and turned. Neela’s face was flushed and her eyes shiny with tears. “I didn’t know if you were safe. I thought—”

  “I’m here.” Neela kissed her lightly and toweled some of the water from her hair before leading her to the bedroom. “Would you lie down with me? I really need to hold you right now.”

  Jordan climbed on the bed and pulled the robe tighter around her. “I’m so sorry. I’m not usually such a basket case.”

  “I k
now. You’re usually tough and in control, except when you’re mad at me.” Neela teased and snuggled behind her, resting her arm around Jordan’s waist. “I’ve got you.”

  Jordan tried to relax into Neela’s embrace and accept being held. She’d always been the bodyguard, sleeping with one eye open. She couldn’t remember ever feeling this protected and safe. The tension in her shoulders and back eased, and the muscles in her thighs that always seemed so firmly clenched slowly loosened.

  Neela stroked her arm, and something warm and soft settled inside her. Neela touched her without expecting anything in return, gave without being asked, and didn’t judge—components of intimacy Jordan imagined but had never experienced.

  “Are you all right?” Neela asked.

  “You make me believe that’s actually possible. Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. I’m here because I want to be, because I care about you.”

  Jordan took a deep breath and made the first step into her dark past with a potential partner. “How much do you know?”

  “Are you sure you want to do this now? There’s no rush, darling.”

  “Please, Neela. I’m not sure how far I’ll get, but I have to try.”

  Neela hugged her again and lowered her voice. “I know people in positions of authority violated the trust of their offices. I know children experienced things no child should ever have to. And I know you are the bravest and most resilient person I’ve ever met to have fought so long, for yourself and Amy, and survived. What else do I need to know?” Her arm tightened around Jordan’s waist.

  “I don’t have a family. My parents didn’t care enough to keep me when I was born. Nobody wanted me, even when I was a baby. I’ve never really belonged anywhere. I think I eventually just stopped caring. Who wants to be with someone who has no past, no family, and no memories to share?”

  “A blank slate.”

  “A what?”

  “You’re special. In stem-cell research the embryonic cells are master cells. They can become any other type of cell, which is great. We call them biological blank slates. You’re like a blank slate. You survived a horrible childhood, took care of yourself, and now you’re shaping your future. Your job puts you in all kinds of situations, and you make them better—like our master cells. Every experiment, every situation has side effects, and you’ve made the best of yours. You’re pretty amazing.”

  “You have a way of making everything sound positive and fresh. And that’s pretty amazing, but I want you to know everything.” Jordan’s chest constricted as she tried to breathe. She sat up on the side of the bed, unable to bear Neela’s inevitable withdrawal when she told her the rest of her story. “You need…to know…what he…did to me.” She spat the words between sobs like intermittent blasts of a machine gun.

  “No, I don’t. You’re here. You’re dealing with what happened, and I don’t need to know anything more.”

  “But…I want…to be able…to touch you…and let you…touch me.” Jordan felt her anger bubbling up. “I’m so mad.” She paused. Was she doing the right thing?

  “You have a right to be angry. It’s how you protected yourself and got through the pain.”

  “He…tied me down.” She rubbed the red streaks around her wrists from the hospital straps. “And touched me…all the time. He was always so rough.”

  Neela tried to ease her back onto the bed, but she shrugged away from her touch. Jordan wouldn’t be comforted until it was all out. She had to know if Neela would turn away from her. “I felt things…it felt…good…and I hated that. I didn’t want…to feel good with him.” She grabbed a pillow, pressed it against her face, and screamed until some of the rage passed.

  “Oh, Jordan, that was just your young body responding naturally to stimulus. You didn’t do anything bad. Everybody likes to be touched. He made it bad. I’m so sorry, darling.”

  “When he got me…worked up…he came and then stopped. I hurt all the time. My arousal always hurt, and he wouldn’t let me relieve it.” Neela was quiet except for an occasional sob she tried to suppress. “You’ve seen…how I am…sexually. I don’t want to always be…aggressive and untouchable like he taught me. I want to feel what you do. I have to know.”

  Neela placed her hand on Jordan’s shoulder and made her look her in the eye. “Have to know what?”

  “If I can ever be…like other people. If what I like makes me…abnormal?”

  “What are you saying, Jordan?”

  Jordan ducked her head and forced the words out. “I want to be with you…see if I can have regular sex, not like I’ve done before.” She looked up quickly and saw Neela’s surprised face. She turned back toward the wall. “You don’t want me. I’ve spoiled it.”

  “Jordan, look at me. I’m just shocked at your courage and honesty. I don’t think you’re sick or weird or abnormal or any of those other words rolling around in your head. People who care about each other experiment with sex. Normal is relative. And just so you know, I’ve enjoyed everything we’ve done—all of it. But if you want to try something different, I’m up for that too.”

  Had she heard right? Neela wasn’t disgusted by her. She didn’t think she was fucked up beyond repair. She couldn’t stop staring at Neela, searching for some sign of rejection or judgment, but finding none. Jordan felt like she’d won half the battle, but the hardest part remained. “Does that mean you’ll do it?”

  “Are you actually asking me to have sex with you?” Neela couldn’t hide the hint of humor in her voice, and it helped Jordan relax.

  “I guess I am.”

  “I’d be honored.” She stroked the scar across Jordan’s lip. “But I’m still stuck on you asking.”

  Jordan stretched out beside Neela again and took her in her arms. “Okay, now you’re just messing with me, aren’t you?”

  Neela wrinkled her gorgeous nose and nodded.

  “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I know you’d never do anything to hurt anyone. It’s not in you. And I can’t imagine trying this with anyone else. I have to get my life back, all of it. Can you understand that?”

  “Of course I understand, and I’ll do whatever you want.”

  “Really?” Jordan had been so uncertain about her request that the realization it might actually happen was temporarily overwhelming. “Really?”

  “Now you’re making me beg again?”

  “I’m surprised you still want to be with me after how I’ve treated you. And I’m so sorry for everything. I have no excuse, and I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you, but I will.”

  “You’ve already saved my life. What more could I ask?”

  “For me to treat you with dignity and respect, like someone I care about…because I do, you know…care about you. I want more than just an occasional fuck, Neela, much more.” Her sexual hunger still hovered just beneath the surface, but a more powerful need made her cling to the comfort and safety of Neela’s arms. Something was happening that she didn’t understand. Perhaps Neela was easing her transition from the horrors of the past to the possibilities of the future.

  “I care about you too, Jordan.”

  She snuggled against Neela’s neck and allowed the warmth of her body to sink in and heal the rough edges of her soul. “I’m really enjoying this—a lot.”

  “Me too, darling, me too.”

  *

  Jordan shivered against her, and Neela tried to imagine a childhood so damaged by the evils in Jordan’s past. She fought the urge to be sick. She’d gouged divots in her palms from clenching her fists. People in positions of authority were held to a higher standard, and the staff at New Beginning had failed miserably. No one could justify what despicable people had done to Jordan while others stood by. Neela felt so inadequate. Jordan’s guilt and shame were deeply embedded, and all she could do was comfort her and be patient.

  “Thank you for listening,” Jordan said. “I was so afraid to tell you.”

  “Shush, it’s all rig
ht, darling. You don’t have to be afraid now.”

  Jordan nuzzled just below her collarbone. “You’re so incredibly soft. This space right here,” she kissed just above her breast, “is like heaven.” Jordan looked up at her. “Can I open your shirt just a little?”

  “Of course you can,” Neela said. Jordan’s tone was tentative, something she’d never heard before, and the vulnerability of it opened her soul.

  Jordan fumbled with the tiny buttons on her blouse until the first three came loose to just below her bra. “So beautiful. You’re like a lightly toasted treat.” Neela felt Jordan’s heat rise as she edged closer. She was like a match; once ignited she burned hard and fast.

  Jordan gently traced the mounds of Neela’s breasts and her breath hitched. “Jor—Jordan.” If Jordan was serious about trying something different, she’d better divert her before things went much further.

  Jordan pulled back. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t.”

  “Would you let me try something?”

  Jordan’s lust-hooded gaze shifted to one of fear and uncertainty. “I’m a little worried right now, but okay. I said I wanted to learn.”

  “Do you trust me, Jordan?”

  “As much as I’ve ever trusted anyone.”

  “Roll over on your back.” Jordan’s eyes searched hers for several seconds, and then she rolled over, clutching the robe around her. “You can keep that on if you want. I’d like to touch you, slowly, softly. Do you think that would be all right?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I’ll tell you exactly what I’m doing so you won’t have any surprises. Okay?” Jordan nodded. “If you’d like to tell me what you’re feeling, I’d like that. If you want me to stop at any point, just say so.”

  The corners of Jordan’s mouth inched upward but stopped short of a full smile. “I like a challenge, remember?” She was trying to be brave, and Neela admired her even more.