To Be With You

by Opal Mellon

  Then it hit him like a paper airplane to the side of the head, gentle and sharp. Ask Nicole. Let her help you the way you tried to help her.

  She’ll be jealous, a little voice said inside him. He knew it was probably true; she’d always had him to herself, and the thought made him a bit angry. So she was allowed to be with other people but he wasn’t? He’d show her. He pulled out his phone and texted.

  “Hi Nick. You never did tell me about your date. Also, I have a favor to ask.” He sent the text and waited, and by the time her reply came, he was chewing one of the pieces of grass and not even noticing it.

  “Hi. Date went well. I think he’s someone you’d like. What’s the favor?”

  As if, he thought. “Can you help me find someone to date?” He pressed send and dropped the phone. He paced with his hands behind his back. He was staring at a particularly large tree and wondering how far he could climb up it now that he was twenty-four when the phone vibrated again. He dove for it like a starving man for a dropped donut.

  “Sure!” it said. “This is huge for you! I’m so excited. Wanna meet up?”

  Sean threw the phone at the tree. It plopped off the bark and landed in the needles and Sean palmed his face, walking over to survey the damage. He scooped the phone up and was relieved to see it still worked. He looked at the disappointing words, still on the screen, and sighed, sinking with his back to the tree, feeling it scrape against him and wondering if he’d damaged his gi. What had he wanted her to say? No, I won’t hook you up with anyone. I want you for myself. What was this, a chick flick? He dug his fingers into his knees and exhaled. No, if that had been the case, she wouldn’t have been playing kissy face on the beach behind his back. No, it hadn’t been behind his back. She’d told him she had a date. He guessed that a kiss on the first date wasn’t a breach of propriety. He stared at the phone for a long moment. Then texted “Sure. Where are u?”

  He flipped the phone around in his hand, and felt a cool breeze wash over him, a sure sign that the afternoon was turning to evening. He stood to feel it all across his body. He took off his gi top to be cooler.

  “Whoa there,” a female voice said.

  Sean flipped around to see who said it. A girl was crossing the street. A typical tae kwon do girl, tall, thin, in a gi. He supposed she was pretty, in a ‘not Nicole’ kind of way. He tried to force any thought of Nicole out of his mind to fairly evaluate this woman.

  She came closer and stuck a hand out for him. She had round, frank green eyes, and a small mouth. Nothing like Nicole’s almond eyes and wide, luscious—stop it! Sean tried to look normal. He leaned with a hand against the tree but came off balance and stumbled to the side. He caught himself with a hand on the ground, but it was too late to look cool.

  The woman laughed. She held a hand out but he just sat on the ground.

  “I’m already down. Want to join me?” he patted the grass by him.

  “Sure.” She plopped down. “You gotta warn a girl before you take that top off, that’s lethal right there.”

  His heart sank. He was gross, huh? Should have warned someone before letting his sweaty—

  “Don’t look like that; I mean that you’re hot.”

  He looked up at her, shocked, as his phone buzzed.

  “You have a text.” She pointed with a long finger. Sean thought he could get used to a tall girl around. She was nice. Made him feel better about himself than Nicole … wait … text? He grabbed the phone. He looked at the girl, who seemed a little disappointed that he was going to look at the text instead of talking to her.

  “So you a competitor?” the girl asked, twirling grass between her fingers on the ground. “What’s your name?”

  “Sean Rollins,” he said, chucking the phone down without checking it. “And you are?”

  “Angela,” she said, smiling at him. He liked her nose. It was straight, long, pretty. He looked down to her belt, noting with approval that it was black with two degrees.

  “My face is up here,” she said.

  Sean looked up, about to explain himself but she stopped him. “I’m kidding. I know you were looking at my belt.”

  “Second degree huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Training for nationals, too?”

  “No, just here helping with reffing and coaching a student.”

  “Ah,” he said.

  “You?”

  “Nationals,” he said. “Why, do I look too old?”

  “No,” she said, scrunching up her nose. “I mean too old in the TKD world is different from too old in the rest of the world, except for maybe gymnastics, but I think you look fine. As you know.”

  Sean puffed up a bit. He wondered if he should puff down, but remembered Nicole had said that women like confidence. “Yeah, you aren’t the only one.”

  She raised an eyebrow.

  “I mean, my bare chest is basically a national threat. I thought I was safe out here and wouldn’t put anyone at risk of fainting if I took off my shirt—but…well …” He shrugged, and she laughed, putting her hand over her stomach.

  “How are you going to make it up to me?”

  Gosh, was it this easy to talk to women? This one was basically lining it up for him to ask her out. He should have tried this sooner. Not whipping off his shirt in public, but maybe just … being friendlier.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “Ice cream?” He stood and held a hand out to her. She took it and stood up. She was only a few inches shorter than him, putting her around six feet tall. He approved.

  “That sounds like a good start.”

  “Great. I know a good place just down the street.”

  “Ice cream during training?” she said, putting her hands on her thin hips. “Scandalous.”

  “I know!” He said. “I’m a bad boy I guess.”

  “Ooh. I like that,” she said. “Kind of a rare thing in TKD.”

  “Oof, really?”

  “Usually,” she said. She looked around the parking lot. “Which one is yours?”

  “I thought we’d walk.”

  “In this heat?” she folded her arms.

  “Hey, there’s a nice breeze,” he said, walking ahead and hoping she’d follow. “And remember, I’m in training. If I’m going to eat ice cream you have to help me work it off.”

  “Oh, I’m so down for that.” She looked from his head to his feet.

  He didn’t know what she meant and her wink just heightened his confusion. “I can already tell you’re adorable,” she said. She grabbed his arm and pulled him along.

  Chapter Ten

  Nicole looked out at the setting sun from her bedroom window, then down at her phone. It was growing darker outside and she felt slightly worried. She’d wanted a chance to talk with him about her date, selfishly wanted to ask for his help, so she’d been relieved that he’d asked something similar in return. Had he changed his mind? Was he now ready to date someone else? That was a huge step for him, and she’d been proud. Not jealous. Not jealous at all. She sighed.

  She sat on the bedspread, admired how the blue looked steely in the setting sun and waited. The phone finally vibrated and she grabbed it, flipped it open, and froze.

  “Too late! I found one.”

  Her shoulders fell. The room’s silence hung around her. No excuse to talk to him now.

  “Can we still talk for bit? I need advice.”

  “Sure. Is tomorrow good? My night just got tied up.”

  “Sure. Text me tomorrow.” She sent the text and felt it wasn’t friendly enough, so followed it up with one that said, “And congrats by the way. Have a good night.” She closed the phone and lay back on the bed, pulling her laptop on to her lap and looking for something to do online. She felt lonely in a way she never had before. She looked at the phone, which sat silent on the bed.

  Too late.

  ~ ~ ~

  Sean was feeling good by the time he got home after dropping Angela off. She’d been easy to talk to, fun, and hadn’t se
emed to mind that he compulsively mentioned his best friend who happened to be a good-looking female. He sat on one of his stools, trying to pin down why.

  She had looked at him like she wanted him. He liked her green eyes that turned brownish when you got closer. The way she occasionally touched his arm, casually, as if she hadn’t meant to. Her only fault was that she just wasn’t Nicole and nothing was going to change that. She’d seemed like she wanted to be kissed when he dropped her off, but when she’d leaned in, it hadn’t felt right, and he had resolved not to use her as a rebound, tempting as that was.

  Just being wanted was so nice. The clock over the sink said eight forty five. Not too late to text Nicole. He pulled out his phone. There were three texts, one saying goodnight and congrats, and one more asking if he was still up.

  He texted back, “Yes, I’m home, did you still want to talk?”

  He went to get ready for bed in case she said no. He was barely at his bedroom when his phone vibrated.

  “Sure. Can you go online?”

  He wondered if she’d ask about his date. He hoped so.

  “Sure. I’ll be on in ten,” he texted.

  He stumbled into the bathroom, pulling off his shirt as he went. He wanted to be all ready for bed in case she wanted to talk late, so he could just fall into bed right after.

  He looked at himself in the mirror for a minute before washing his face. He flexed his abs, then turned around and flexed his back. Oh yeah, peak shape. If he kept dating Angela, he might actually have a woman seeing him naked soon. He eyed his reflection, horrified. He had no idea how to deal with that eventuality. He scratched his chest, then his head. He’d always sort of pictured that happening with Nicole, and only after they were married. He washed his face, enjoying the cold water and then the rough toweling off afterwards.

  He sat on the computer stool, shirtless. He logged in and waited for his chat program to start up, then realized he was still in his jeans, so he got up and replaced them with soft flannel pajama pants. This was a good look for him, showing off his chest and abs, and he sort of wished they were video chatting. But maybe that would freak her out. Who was he kidding? He didn’t know what would freak her out sexually, it was just sort of a general hunch that everything did.

  A chat bubble popped up with Nicole’s username.

  N: Hi

  S: That was fast.

  N: Sorry. You still getting ready?

  S: No, just finished.

  N: Great.

  S: So what did you want to talk about?

  N: How was your date?

  S: Good, how was yours?

  N: Interesting.

  S: Interesting? Is that good or bad?

  N: I dunno. I’m not sure I’m cut out for dating normal guys.

  S: What do you mean?

  N: I don’t know.

  S: You seem down ;(

  N: Is that a winky sad face?

  S: No I meant to do a normal sad face.

  N: Oh lol.

  S: Yeah lame.

  N: Tell me more about your date? I’d rather talk about that.

  S: Not much to tell. She’s nice. Met her at the dojang. She saw me take my shirt off and that caught her attention.

  N: I would imagine

  S: What do you mean?

  N: Just that it would be sort of attention getting.

  S: Why?

  N: Oh come on Sean, you know you’re a good looking guy. Stop fishing for compliments.

  S: Boo, it was successful fishing too.

  N: So, what’s she like?

  S: I don’t know her that well yet …

  N: Fine, what does she look like?

  S: Like her face? Why are you so interested?

  N: Like all of her. It’s like your first date, why wouldn’t I be?

  S: It was not my first date. Brown hair, green eyes. Tall, thin. Maybe six feet, so I guess that might be part of why she’s interested in me.

  N: Part of it, probably. That’s huge.

  S: That’s kind of rude. Tall girls are cute too.

  N: Is she white?

  S: What does that have to do with anything?

  N: I guess nothing, forget it. Is she pretty?

  S: Yes. I guess you would say so. I’m not sure how you are defining that.

  N: Is she prettier than me?

  S: What?

  N: Never mind.

  S: You sure?

  N: Yeah I was just being stupid.

  S: She isn’t prettier than you.

  N: Whew, good.

  S: No one is. ;)

  N: Ooh. Nice. Flattery will get you everywhere with me.

  S: That wink was on purpose.

  N: So she seemed interested? Do you have another date planned?

  S: No.

  N: What?

  S: Why, was I supposed to already? I only just met her.

  N: Usually you decide by the end of the date if you want another one. Poor girl doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.

  S: So if you are supposed to decide by the first date if you want another one, are you going out with your date again?

  N: I don’t know. He did ask though. He knows how to play the game

  S: I’ll just bet he does.

  N: What is that supposed to mean?

  S: Nothing.

  N: Do you know something about him? Are you not telling me something?

  S: I was just being sarcastic. Most guys know the game, don’t they? Otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten a first date with you.

  N: Maybe I should try someone who doesn’t know the game though. I think I’m tired of the game.

  S: Really?

  N: Yeah. I just don’t trust my judgment

  S: How do you mean?

  N: Like, I feel yucky about this guy. Sorry if this is TMI for you, I guess you probably don’t want to hear about my dates.

  S: No I do, go on.

  N: You are a good friend Sean. Better than I deserve probably

  S: Anyway you were saying … ?

  N: Why do you want to talk about it so bad? Trying to dodge the topic of your date?

  S: Not at all. You can tell me what you want and then if you still have questions you can ask them

  N: Okay. My instincts just don’t really trust him.

  S: Hm.

  N: I know, my instincts have failed in the past. So I’m trying to trust him, to give him a chance

  S: Don’t trust him until he earns it

  N: Is there a point to trust if it’s only earned?

  S: Good point. Stop being tricky.

  N: I can’t. It’s like I waited all day to talk to you about this, and now I feel too awkward to. I feel like I don’t have any right to.

  S: I don’t know if anyone has a right to friendship; nevertheless people put up with us. I put up with you.

  N: Thanks.

  S: You put up with me

  N: True. It’s so rough too.

  S: I don’t know what you mean by that, and I’m going to ignore it.

  N: Fine.

  S: What is it you don’t like about this guy?

  N: I just feel off about him, but truthfully, that could be a good sign.

  S: How so?

  N: Well I’m attracted to the wrong guys. I don’t know how much you picked up on as a kid, but you must have known things weren’t good with my stepdad.

  S: Yes.

  N: Well, I think that now that I’m grown up, I keep trying to find the opposite of him, but keep ending up with guys just like him. I guess a lot of people have that problem with their parents.

  S: What happened with him Nicole?

  N: I’m not ready to go that far yet. But just believe me when I say that I don’t trust my instincts. Anyway going to the club, meeting up with you again, has all felt like training to be attracted to the right kind of guys.

  S: Sounds good to me.

  N: But now I can’t tell if this guy turns me off because of my issues or because I’m more able to spot creeper
s now. I just know I’m not very attracted to him.

  S: How so?

  N: Well, he kissed me.

  S: Rapscallion! Rascal!

  N: I’m overreacting, huh?

  S: Not necessarily. Did you want him to kiss you?

  N: No.

  N: But I didn’t stop him. I just froze up. I was sure you’d want me to give a nice guy a chance.

  S: And is he a nice guy?

  N: He’s done nothing that shows him to be otherwise.

  S: That’s good, I guess.

  N: You guess?

  S: I don’t know. I’m not sure what to tell you

  N: I know, sorry for putting this on you.

  S: It’s okay. It’s just that today I realized that I’ve always been lecturing you about your taste in men and I realized today I don’t know anything about choosing a good woman.

  N: Sorry.

  S: It’s not your fault. I just never focused on myself. And I was always so into you that I didn’t try looking around. So I don’t feel like I have any right to lecture anymore.

  N: I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time.

  S: Time with you is never wasted.

  N: Really?

  S: I’m sorry I was so obsessed. I’ve realized how much pressure I could have taken off both of us if I’d just dated other girls and taken my own advice about improving my dating choices.

  N: So I was a bad choice?

  S: No! Not at all. I’m just coming to grips with the fact that you’ll never want me, and that I’m okay with that

  N: You are?

  S: I will be. More than anything I want to be your friend.

  N: It’s not that I’ll never want you … I’m just not ready. I don’t want you waiting around for something that may never happen.

  S: I think you’d like Angela.

  N: I think not.

  S: Why?

  N: I’m kind of jealous of her.