The Great Elephant Ride

by Stephanie Timmer

  New Hampshire only requires you to pay the fee and answer some simple questions. The judge will ask you why you want your name changed and require evidence of transitioning before she will grant you a name change. I had already had one surgery and was taking hormones. Even though my current ID said “Steve,” it did have my female picture.

  The judge did not give me any hassle at all and was quite warm. She ask me a few questions to make sure this was what I wanted, and if there was any doubt, those were removed when she saw the smile on my face when she signed the court order. I was still legally a male, but my legal name was now “Stephanie Anne Timmer”; to see it in writing was like a dream.

  The judge explained that I needed to stop using “Steve” immediately, and I needed to change everything over to my new name as soon as possible. This meant bank accounts, social Security, passport, state I|D, health insurance. This was the point where I formally started to transition from the male to the female world. How can you hide it after you legally change your name? You have to contact your employer so that they can change your W2 form and all your benefits.

  If you think having a female name is something you want, please do not change it until you are very sure that you want to transition, because once you have a court-ordered name change, you will be outed. Also, while you are at the court, get at least five copies of it and have them notarized. You will need to send in notarized copies for most federal ID’s (for example, SSN and passport). That day I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles and got my new State ID. It was free because I had a court order and I am blind. There may be a charge if you have a driver’s license and are not considered disabled.

  The court-ordered name change forced me to do the things I dreaded most: coming out to my children, family, and coworkers. I dedicated a chapter to this episode called “I Am Out, for Better, for Worse.” During this time, have a good friend as a confidante. A good therapist is helpful, but a good friend is so much more. Just someone to talk to, cry with, and to laugh with. I was lucky to have just such a friend.

  Your name change is a very important document for scheduling final surgeries. For me that meant finding a surgeon for sexual reconstruction, breast reconstruction, and hair grafts. You will be searching for a surgeon who is going to change your life. Whatever he or she does to you is what you are going to have to live with. I turned to the clinics in Thailand; they not only were much cheaper than the doctors in the US, but most of the sexual reconstruction techniques are pioneered there.

  Even though I decided to go to Thailand for my final surgeries, they still require more than just money. They require proof that you are serious about transitioning even before they will schedule surgeries. If you find a clinic that does not, they are not following the new Thailand laws, and I would be very leery of that clinic.

  Once I had my name changed, I was able to get my new state ID and a passport. I now had the proof needed for the clinic to schedule the surgery. I had to schedule about eight months in advance because I wanted to make sure I had surgery during the Christmas break that was a slow time for my company, and if I was recovering over the holiday, it would mean less time off from work. The documents I could show them included the court order name change with my new female ID and my receipt from the first order of hormones verifying that I met the requirement of being on hormones six months prior to surgery.

  The clinic accepted these documents as proof that I was serious about transitioning. The next step took a leap of faith. Desperate people are willing to dare risks that others would not think about. Because so many girls rush into things, they find themselves unable to meet their goals. In order for the clinic to hold my surgery date, I needed to make a down payment. In this case, it was $4,200.00 dollars. I had saved up enough for the down payment, but I needed to wire it to a bank in Thailand. I had no way of knowing if this was a legitimate company or not. I feared that it could be one of those frauds where they quote you one price and end up sucking you dry with expenses, or worse, not provide the service at all.

  I did take the leap of faith and wired the $4,200 U.S. dollars and locked in the date of December 29, 2009, knowing that if they took my money and ran it could destroy my chance to transition. If everything went according to plan, I would enter 2010 as a neo-woman. What a way to start the New Year. I had to come up with the rest of the money by November 1.

  The next most important thing I did and I am still working on is my voice. As a male, I had a bold, strong, masculine voice. The years of lecturing over noisy classrooms of teachers and large lecture halls without microphones has taken its toll on my vocal cords. No matter how many hormones I took or surgeries I had, my voice did not change. I passed fairly well for being a 6’1” redhead. But whenever I opened my mouth, out came this guy whom I was so desperately trying to get rid of.

  There is no surgery that can change one’s voice. Several of the programs for transgender transitions offer formal voice lessons, but like many others in my position, I was not near any of them, or they were incredibility expensive. I did find a good do-it-yourself DVD/CD program from Stealth Productions that came highly recommended, and I would also highly recommend it now that I have used it

  If I have an Achilles Heel, it is my voice. The only way you can overcome this challenge is by practice. I practiced for a minimum of an hour a day for the entire time I was recovering from facial surgery. It takes practice and then more practice—you can’t stop practicing. I am tall, so a deeper voice is not inappropriate. But it isn’t just the pitch that gives you away: it is how you talk, putting the inflections where they need to be. For some this maybe easier than for others, but I often still get made on the phone when all they have to go by is my voice. I will get there someday. I will keep trying until I do. This is one of those very important things that girls interested in transitioning can do that does not cost a lot. You will know you have made it when you answer the phone and they say have a good day Ma’am instead of Sir.

  It is harder than you think, and as hard as you try, your heart sinks when someone says Have a good day, Sir. You can be having a great day and then you get outed on the phone, and it is like getting punched in the gut. You are desperate to rid yourself of all these male traits. There are times when this happens, and you just want to burst into tears. It is getting less frequent, but I still get made on the phone, and it always hurts.

  I continued to work on my transition. Part of transitioning is learning to do makeup and eventually dropping the wig and learning to do my own hair. Now this is where I have a bit of challenge compared to other girls. I cannot see well enough to see what my makeup looks like. I practiced a lot and whenever possible I have someone look me over good before I go out in public. Since I cannot see, I had to learn to put on foundation, blush, eye shadow, mascara, and lipstick all by feel and touch. This took a bit of practice, because if you touch something when you are not supposed to, you will end up with mascara all over your face.

  I did not hire a makeup consultant; instead, I went to the local mall and one of the sales women was more than willing to help me get the right colors. Then I went home and practiced and practiced again until I could do it myself. I travel a lot and most of the time I am by myself. Girls, less is more. I am lucky because I have very nice skin and skin tone, big eye lashes, and since surgery, big blue eyes. I can get by many times with just lipstick if I wanted to, but I like to wear eye shadow, mascara, and blush as well. When I go to work, I always wear foundation as well. That is all—fake eye lashes look exactly that, and a lot of eye shadow looks like a lot of eye shadow. If that is your style, you go girl, but remember makeup does not make you beautiful; use it just to enhance the beauty that you already possess. The most important thing that you can put on your face to help you pass is a smile: it does not cost you anything, looks great, and it is something you already have. Use it.

  The forehead surgery in July was my transition date for me to the outside world. After I had the surgery, I never dres
sed as a man again. I packed up everything that was masculine and took the items to Goodwill or gave them to someone I knew. I burned my wallet and all my old male identification cards in a nice campfire while roasting hot dogs as kind of ceremonial celebration.

  I was happy about the transition; however, there was a feeling of loss. It is hard to describe how I felt as I packed up my old life and put it in boxes or gave it away. Watching people dig through your belongings was very emotional. I did not have a bad life as Steve; it just did not seem like it was mine. I borrowed the persona of Steve and pretended to be him, growing accustomed to what he had to offer.

  Watching my identification cards in the fire brought me to tears as my entire life to that point vanished, moving from reality to memory. Steve had parents, brothers, sisters, a wife—that was all gone now. There will not be any more Mother’s or Father’s Day. No more phone calls on my birthday from my sisters. That life was gone. I longed to be free, but there is a cost for freedom. I was alone.

  I have good friends, and I so appreciate the support and love they gave me. Losing your family so fast and through rejection makes you feel lonely. Transitioning is a one-way street, and even if I did not have sexual reconstruction surgery and stopped transitioning at that point, I would not be able to reclaim what I had lost; it was gone. How can you believe that someone loves you again after he or she flat out rejected you, dismissing the struggles I had to deal with? If you have a fight with someone, you can apologize and make amends, but you cannot tell people that you love them after you have been called an abomination and a mistake.

  From the middle of July to the end of December was one of the longest waits of my lifetime. I was totally out as a female to everyone. I was even lecturing as a female, but I still had a penis. It was terrible—I did not feel complete. It was great living fulltime as Stephanie, but I just did not like the little bumps in my pants, not being able to undress in the woman’s locker room, having a bikini but not being able to wear it out in public. It felt like my life was on hold.

  As much as I wanted time to go faster, I needed the time for planning and logistics. I own my own software company, and I have offices in three separate places. I needed to turn control over to them while I was gone; I had not taken a vacation, were I had been so totally disconnected from my work. Therefore, I probably had more planning to do than most. Nevertheless, make sure you do adequate planning regardless of where you go for surgery.

  I had my facial surgery in Boston for several reasons: first, Dr. Spiegel is a great surgeon, and second, he was only two hours from my friend’s house where I could recover. I chose to go to Bangkok for my sexual reconstruction surgery, breast reconstruction, and hair transplants.,

  The number one reason I chose Bangkok is I know myself and I am a lousy patient. I am one of those patients who considers bed rest to mean that I can only work six hours a day. In Bangkok, I would be disconnected from my work so that I would be forced to recover. The U.S. surgeons may be good surgeons, but they have a tendency to keep you in the hospital for the minimum amount of time, and pretty much you are on your own—take two aspirins and call if you have trouble.

  The Bangkok clinic I went to and the others I investigated required you to be there for four weeks. The care that I received after surgery made all the difference. You remain under their care the whole time you are there. The facilities are far better than most I have been in, and they provided me with a full-time translator. My experience was great, from the time they picked me up at the airport until the time they dropped me off for my flight home.

  The after-care I received was very thorough. They taught me how to dilate my new equipment. They also showed me how to clean and care for it. They did the first few times and then slowly let me do everything. When it was time to go home, I had a solid week of practice by myself with a nurse coming in once a day to just make sure everything was going according to plan. I left feeling very confident.

  I also chose Bangkok for its reputation for being the sexual reconstruction capital of the world. Bangkok performs more transgender related surgery than the rest of the world combined. Most of the new procedures for SRS are developed in Bangkok. The vaginaplasty surgery method I had is only practiced by about half the surgeons in the US. I am also trying to be a professional runner and in Bangkok the surgeon recommended a type of breast implant that has less than one percent chance of rupturing. Since I run so much and often wear a compression bra, traditional breast implants would have a 10 to 15 percent chance of rupturing. These new implants were not available in the U.S. at the time of my surgery.

  So you can see I had multiple reasons to go to Bangkok for my final surgeries. I actually saved a fair amount of money because I was not held hostage by a therapist until I convinced them that I qualified for SRS so I could get my two letters. I was diagnosed that I was gender dysphoric in my twenties. I did not need to go through all that again on their time frame.

  I have a lot of friends who have gone through what I have gone through, and everyone one of us knew who we are and ended up spending a lot of money trying to convince some therapist what we already knew. I really feel that after living full time and taking hormones for six months, any transitioning individual will know whether or not SRS is the right choice. I can have laser hair removal and any kind of cosmetic surgery I want without a note from my psychiatrist—why should I need a note for the final surgery?

  Transitioning takes time and costs a fortune, in part due to many of the outdated practices that add unnecessarily to the costs and time of transitioning. I am coming from the viewpoint of a middle-aged individual who successfully transitioned without the costly expense of gate keepers who have a tendency to make a long difficult process even that much longer and more expensive. Because of their inflexibility, I had no choice but to do it by myself. Transitioning was very difficult, and I would have loved to have had help and guidance from professionals, but I was unable to find one who could appreciate my situation. The best information I received was from other sisters of this unique sorority that I now find myself part of.

  Transitioning is one of the hardest things you can ever do, and girls if you can make it through the transition, you can probably do anything you set your mind to. I had the unfortunate experience of the perfect storm: during the transition I lost my parents, my home, went through a nasty divorce—all in the last eight months of the transition. There were times when being hit by a bus seemed like a good thing. If I have any advice, it is to stick to your convictions, believe in yourself, and take small steps until you are confident and sure about yourself. If you have not gone through the process of self acceptance, no one else will accept you, either. Before you transition, evaluate the price tag for the cost of freedom and make sure you are willing to pay the price, because there is a no-return policy on transitioning.

  Transitioning is not the end but the beginning. I went to Bangkok, and when I came home, I returned to where I was. I still had no family and no place I could call my own. I had to start over. It is different when you return: you are a new you and the start-over can be both daunting and exciting. Life is a Great Elephant Ride: don’t look forward to the end, enjoy the ride.

  I get asked whether if I knew what I know now before I transitioned, would I have done it? Absolutely. How can I regret who I am? I don’t regret transitioning; I just wish the emotional cost was not so high.

  Transitioning: The Physical and Physiological

  People ask me more about the physical transition more than anything else. The concept of physically going from one gender to another is hard for many to grasp. However, it is like driving by a bad car accident: you do not want to look, but you cannot help taking a glance. People are curious about the process, but they either lack courage or are too polite, and feeling it is a too-personal question to ask. The content of this chapter may be a bit graphic at times due to the subject matter and the organs of the body I will be discussing,

  The reason most find it s
o hard to grasp is that they are not transgender. If you are truly transgender and feel gender reconstruction sugary is right for you, it is very easy to grasp. This is the difference between the transgender population and the gay community. Individuals who are gay are very happy with their gender; they are just attracted to individuals of the same gender. They cringe just as much as a straight individual about having their gender reconstructed. Because of the number of questions I have been asked about this part of the journey, I decided to devote an entire chapter to them.

  Men and women reacted differently when I told them about my transition. The men would cringe—the thought of having their most precious organ removed was inconceivable. They would rather lose an arm than what they have between their legs. If you have any remorse over losing the boys, you are not a candidate for sexual reconstruction surgery. I have met several girls who have regretted transition, not the SRS, just that the cost was too high for them, the loss of friends and family. If you rush SRS, you may end up with buyer’s remorse, and once it is gone, you can never get it back.

  Women react a little bit differently than men. First, going through puberty as a man is more physical and going through puberty as a female has a much larger physiological component to it. I got the feeling from several females that I was cheating by not having to go through all the things they had to go through, from periods to yeast infections. Ladies, I am relatively new to being female, and I have had a very good initiation. I had to use a pad for the six months and tampons when I have to travel and don’t have time to dilate. Yeast infections and hot flashes are not as fun as they sound. Losing weight is nearly impossible, and after I eat a donut, within twenty-four hours, I can see it on my posterior. A salad a day is not eating healthy is to keep me in a size twelve. Both the good and bad come with transition. The only thing I don’t get to experience is childbirth.