[Legal 01.0] Legal

by Bree Dahlia

  I gasped sharply, my stomach clenching. “What the fuck, Mike? Chase came over, and you kept that from me?” The rest of my body tensed when he shrugged as if it were nothing. I breathed through it. Nothing could change the past; I had to focus on going forward. “And I am not looking for someone to take care of. And if I were, Chase wouldn’t be the right guy. He’s been more mature than me over these past months. No, this has to do with love. That’s why I want to be with him.”

  Mike sobered up, losing his joviality. He looked me dead on and said, “You are not parading your boy toy around our son. Think of what that would do to him.”

  “Daniel is an adult now. He’ll understand, and if he doesn’t, that is not my responsibility. I don’t need his permission to be happy.”

  “You are making a mistake, Jillian. You’re going to fuck everything up.”

  I had a tiny flutter of doubt. Maybe I would fuck everything up. Maybe Daniel would have such a problem with Chase that it’d pull us apart. Assuming, of course, that Chase even wanted me anymore.

  It was worth the risk. I loved Daniel more than anything, but I felt the same about Chase. As Perry so fondly drilled into my head, this wasn’t the time to hold on to my stubborn ways. It could cost me a shot at true love.

  “Then that’s my mistake to make. Good-bye, Mike.”

  I didn’t need to drive. I could have flown. The butterflies were working overtime, and all I would have had to do was let go of the wheel and float all the way there.

  Shit, I was going to be sick.

  But it was a good sick. A healthy anxiety reminding me how much I hoped for a good outcome. Oh, my God, what if he had another girlfriend already? I gagged down a wad of spit. My throat didn’t like that option. I had to push it away. Instead, I’d visualize the perfect scenario: I’d walk in, and he’d take me into his arms. I’d apologize, and he’d accept. Then we’d live happily ever after.

  Yeah, that wasn’t working either. I couldn’t focus long enough to keep the positive vibes flowing. Something would interfere with my fantasy and blow it all to hell. Another woman, his realization that he’d been better off without me, the roof caving in. My mind was a jumbled pit of possibilities.

  I parked in the lot and sat there. I hadn’t called first; this was not something for over the phone. I needed to look into his eyes when I talked to him. I glanced around, unsure of how to proceed. The school day would end soon, and I didn’t know if I should wait in the car or go inside. I hadn’t nailed down every detail of the plan.

  In the end, I decided to go inside. I was afraid of missing him somehow, even with my eyes peeled to the front door. What if I blinked too long? Another option was waiting by his car, but what if he’d recently installed an alarm and I set it off and disrupted the whole school? I couldn’t stop conjuring up all these idiotic situations, but it all came down to nerves.

  I was terrified to death that he wouldn’t forgive me, and my brain was trying to distract me long enough until I found out.

  I pushed through the door and walked through groups of people milling about. Still a tiny school, but a much different atmosphere than during the summer. I blended in, which I was grateful for. I could have been any other parent picking up their child. The only attention I wanted drawn to me was Chase’s. I wanted him to acknowledge me first.

  I went down to his classroom at the end of the hall, peeking in every window along the way in case he’d changed rooms. My pulse was a freaking bass drum, and I kept expecting someone to ask where that noise was coming from. Some doors were cracked open, some not, but the one at the end of the hall was.

  The first thing that caught my eye was a sparkly pink guitar attached to a backpack on the floor. My heart did a little flip. The bag was propped against the desk where Hazel sat, head down and working on something intently. In fact, the entire class seemed occupied. I backed up, so I didn’t disturb them, and in doing so, I saw him.

  His eyes were already on mine, no doubt noticing me before I’d noticed him. I wished to God I would have seen his first impression; it may have given me a spark of hope because based on the look he wore now, it wasn’t the reaction I was going for.

  Or it could have crushed me completely, so maybe it was better for me not to know. My chest squeezed painfully. I couldn’t look away. How had I gone so long without staring into his flawless face? How had I let this beautiful soul walk away?

  Everything moved in slow motion. I watched Chase set his pen down and quietly push away from his desk. He stood up and walked over with a silent strength that made me ache for him. He was once mine. Would he ever be again?

  The energy zinged within me. I wondered if he could feel me as intensely as I could feel him. The connection was still there; I was sure of it. I wanted him to enforce that belief with a smile, a fiery glimmer in his green eyes, anything.

  It didn’t happen. The closer he got, the further I sank. He was a watered-down version of himself, and that broke my heart.

  “What are you doing here, Jillian?” His voice was low, his emotions flat. Not dissimilar to how I’d probably sounded that night right before I left his car.

  “I’m following my passion.”

  I hadn’t planned what to say; I didn’t rehearse conversations in my head beforehand. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have been so speechless when he rejected me.

  “And I’m in class. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  He stepped back into the room and softly closed the door, shutting me out. I was rooted to the spot, too shocked to move an inch. All the people and sounds around me were muffled like my head was submerged. Chase hadn’t said, ‘I can’t do this right now.’ He said, ‘I can’t do this.’ As in ever.

  It didn’t matter if I deserved his treatment or not. I didn’t care if I got exactly what I paid for. It still hurt. It still hurt so fucking badly I wanted to curl up and die.

  I somehow managed to put one leg in front of the other and walk away. I didn’t know where I was going, but I’d deal with that when I got there.

  I was halfway down the hall when I felt a whoosh behind me, and I turned in time to catch Hazel before she smacked into my legs. “Jillian!”

  I bent down and hugged her. “Hi, sweetie. What are you doing? You’re supposed to be in class.”

  “Mr. N let me come say hi to you. As long as I was real quick.”

  I laughed. “Well, you certainly were quick, Hazel.”

  “Are you coming to watch me in the talent show?”

  “Talent show?”

  “Please, Jillian?” She started hopping up and down. “I’m playing my guitar.”

  “When is it?” I waved her to start following me back to the room. I didn’t want her gone too long. School had to be ending any minute, and I didn’t think I could take seeing Chase’s lifeless expression again.

  “On Saturday. Here in the gym. Pleeeease?”

  “I promise you I’ll try my hardest, okay?”

  She nodded, and I gave her a hug good-bye. Just before I stood back up, she whispered, “I miss you. Mr. N does too. He still makes jokes, but I can tell. He’s real sad.”

  Hazel slipped from my arms and into the classroom, and I quickly turned away. I didn’t know what to make of it. Any of it. Sad or not, Chase made his feelings clear, and now that I was alone once more with my thoughts, it was killing me all over again.

  I left for the door, spotting a stack of flyers by the office advertising the talent show. I grabbed one just as the bell chimed. I got to my car and sped off, willing myself to keep it together. I was on the verge of another crying spell; I could feel it. The tears were bubbling up inside my lids, ready to drop at the slightest provocation.

  I pushed them back inside and cranked up the music. I swear tear ducts had a seal just like a bladder. Once broken, you had to worry about liquid gushing out every twenty minutes. And it wasn’t like I’d never cried before—I had, a lot. Just not like this. Not these raw, emotional sobs that ripped your heart to shreds. />
  Had Chase felt like this when I stomped all over him? Even if it was only a fraction, I wanted to strangle myself for doing that to him. I sucked. Big time.

  By the time I made it to my driveway, I only had slightly damp cheeks. Not bad, considering. Stephen’s truck was parked there; he was the last person I expected to see waiting for me. Well, second to last. I pulled into the garage and checked my eyes in the rearview mirror before getting out.

  Both Perry and my brother were hopping out as well. I tried to remember if I’d made plans with them, but she knew I was attempting to work it out with Chase today. The lead ball in my stomach bounced hard, knocking me off-center. Things were so much better when it was still attempting and hopeful, instead of attempted and failed.

  “Perfect timing!” Perry said. “We were just on our way to…” She stopped and dashed over. “Jills?” She peered into my eyes. “Oh, no. Chase?” I bit my bottom lip and nodded. “You already saw him?” I nodded again, looking at Stephen. He’d been playing the strong and silent role toward me lately. “But you said you were going to call and invite him over tonight. What happened?”

  “I changed my mind and went up to the school instead. I wanted my first words to him to be to his face. That didn’t work out so well,” I said softly.

  “What did he say?”

  “That he was sorry, but he couldn’t do this.” Ever.

  “And how’d he look?”

  “Different.”

  She sighed, then waved Stephen over. “We need a man’s opinion.”

  “He doesn’t need to get involved, Perry.”

  Stephen came up and looked me over. “Hey, sis.” There’s no way he didn’t know where Perry was for three days, and he was probably deciding whether or not I was still operating in basketcase mode.

  “If a guy tells a girl he loves her, and she basically shits all over him—sorry, Jills, but it’s true—wouldn’t he be just a little hesitant to get back with her?”

  Stephen turned to me. “Chase told you he loves you?”

  “Yes.”

  I waited for it. Waited for him to say that a kid his age had no business professing his love to me. But he didn’t say a word. He just exhaled forcefully and ran his hands through his hair.

  “Okay, obviously he agrees with me,” Perry said. “The message here is don’t give up yet. Chase is hurting, and it might take some time, but he’ll come around. But he also has to know you’re serious. Does he even know how you feel about him?”

  “Not exactly.” In hindsight, I should have said I loved him right away, but I never expected our time to end so quickly. My eyes flicked back over to my brother. I couldn’t believe he was being so unopinionated about the whole thing.

  “He needs to know, Jills. Soon.”

  I knew Chase was more than worth my efforts to try again, but I wasn’t sure how many times it’d take before my heart gave way. “Why’d you two stop over?”

  “Oh, yeah!” Perry nudged Stephen. “Tell her what you told me. She needs some cheering up.”

  I tilted my head at him, having no clue what was going on. “I was at Wengo’s the other night. So was Chase.”

  My chest started yammering. “Who was he with?” Wait. Perry said this would cheer me up. That rules out another girl.

  Stephen shrugged. “I don’t know, a couple buddies maybe.” His hands were stuck in his front pockets, and he was slowly rocking back and forth on his heels while Perry danced around him. She gestured for him to continue. “Yeah, and for what it’s worth, he looked pretty down and out. Several times, that blonde waitress came around, but he brushed her off.”

  Amanda?

  “See?” Perry said with a huge grin. “And that’s even more impressive, considering guys like to fuck anything that moves to get over someone.”

  My insides churned. I already knew Chase was attracted to her; they’d screwed around before, but… but this was a good thing, right? Nothing was stopping him from getting with her again, yet he wasn’t taking the bait.

  “Not all guys are like that, Perry,” Stephen said.

  “Well, I know you’re not.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “There’s not enough pussy in the world that would help you get over me.”

  “You’re right about that.”

  She giggled and kissed him, and I responded by clearing my throat. If this was the start of their foreplay, I didn’t want it happening in my driveway. “How did you know he was brushing her off?” I asked Stephen.

  “It was pretty obvious that’s what was happening.”

  “Do you think he saw you, and that’s why he was being careful?” But that didn’t make sense either. We were already over, and it wasn’t like he was trying to get back with me.

  “I don’t know, Jillian, but I really doubt it. Look, I’m not sure what all’s going on between you two, and I’m not asking for details. I only want to know that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it with eyes wide open.”

  He wasn’t condoning, but he wasn’t condemning either. Not that I needed Stephen’s consent to love Chase, but his softened stance on the matter meant a lot.

  “Thank you, little brother.” I gave him a hug. “For the first time in my life, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”

  I scanned the flyer again: Doors open at seven. Acts start at seven thirty. I’d read it over countless times. It was a benefit to support the music department. There wasn’t any more information to glean by continuing to stare at it, but I was a ball of flaming nerves and wasting time. I used the paper as a makeshift fan instead and watched people file into the gym.

  I was parked in the crowded back lot not too far away from a black Ford. I’d known the chances were well above average that Chase would be part of the event, but spotting his car still tossed me on my back. I was both excited and scared as hell to see him. I’d committed to not giving up on us, but I was there for Hazel, first and foremost. Whether he acknowledged me or not, I wasn’t leaving until I saw her play. And God forbid, he was there with a date—please, please, please, no—I still wasn’t leaving.

  I had to get my ass inside and get a seat; there was no sense showing up only to spend the night hiding out in the car. Besides, I shouldn’t be that nervous—I was wearing the magic dress. I hadn’t worn it for Chase, but for myself. I needed the extra boost of confidence.

  I took an energizing breath and opened the door. Here we go. I followed the path of others and went into a small side lobby, and from there, into the gym. Admission was free, but there was a donation jar sitting near the entrance. I pulled some cash out of my purse and dropped it inside.

  Then I scoped out the area. It was smaller than most schools, but so was the entire building. There weren’t bleacher seats like I’d expected to find, but several tables of all different sizes set up in front of the stage. It was more personal than I would have liked.

  Once again, Chase had noticed me first. He was sitting at one of the far tables, but it was still close enough to see his confused expression as he took me in. His collared shirt was rolled up at the sleeves, and his forearms were straight out in front of him, hands crossed.

  The sight of him was a knife to the gut. I missed him so fucking much. And seeing Cassie come over and sit down next to him just about finished me off. She touched his arm for a brief second, but it was one second too long. I wanted to rip off her hand and beat her with it.

  “Jillian! You came!” The sound of Hazel’s voice was exactly what I needed to get myself centered. She ran up to me and grabbed my hand. Whatever I had to deal with tonight, it was worth it. There’d be plenty of time afterward to cry over it.

  “Hi, sweetie.” I gave her a big smile. “I can’t wait to see you up on that stage.”

  “Do you want to sit with me?”

  “I’d love to.” I sighed in relief when she brought me over to a smaller table a safe distance from Chase’s. If I had to watch Cassie touch him again, I didn’t know what I’d do. I took a quick glance over t
here anyway, chastising myself for being a damn masochist. What, did I get off on the pain and humiliation? She was keeping her mitts off for the time being, but I didn’t want her sharing his space. Period.

  “You can sit with Mr. N if you want.”

  I shook my head. “Oh, no. I’m sitting right here with you.”

  “You don’t want him to be your boyfriend again?”

  I smiled. What was it like to be so innocent? I couldn’t remember. “I’m not a teacher, and Mr. Nolan is sitting at the teacher’s table.”

  She nodded, accepting my answer. No doubt it was a better one than ‘It’s complicated.’ A couple of Hazel’s little friends sat down, and my eyes wandered back over to Chase. There were a few more people at the table, which made me hopeful that my teacher comment had some validity. Yeah, maybe that was it. Cassie was only there because she worked with him.

  My throat tightened. This was the wrong thing to think about. If I was so worried about her sitting at a stupid table with him, what about the other dozens of hours she was around him?

  “I thought that was you.”

  I swiveled my head around and smiled at Hazel’s grandmother. “Hi, Linda. So nice to see you again.”

  She took a place at the table. “I was just over there talking to a few people when I happened to see you. Hazel said you might come. I’m really glad you did.”

  “Me too.” I made sure Hazel was occupied with her friends. “How is she doing?” I asked quietly.

  “Oh, very well. No more setbacks since the day you were there.” A light feeling descended over me. I was overjoyed to hear that. Linda touched my hand. “Thank you again for being there, by the way. It means so much to have extra support.”

  “You’re welcome. She’s a special little girl.”

  I didn’t know if it was intentional or just a coincidence, but she did not comment or question about Chase. I was so grateful. It would have been a little trickier explaining things to a grown woman.

  Hazel scooted over by us and said, “Grandma might do an act with me too.”