Ash tries to pull me to him, to kiss me, but I can’t be sure where his lips have been. The thought rips my heart in two. I yank my hands away and cross my arms. “Don’t.”
“Please, let me explain.” He runs his fingers through his hair, clearly frustrated.
“Tell me what the note said.” I’m not backing down. I have to know. No matter how much it’s going to hurt—because I’m sure Ash’s hesitation means it’s worse than bad. “I deserve to know, Ash.”
He lowers his head. “It’s stupid. Just Liz playing games.”
“Damn it, Ash. Tell me!” The tears are blurring my vision, but I refuse to let them spill. Not yet. Not before I find out the truth, hear it from Ash.
He shakes his head and meets my eyes. “It said to meet her in the girls’ bathroom by the art room after practice.”
The bathroom by the art room? Is that their secret meeting place? Liz’s words in the hallway before photography replay in my mind. He said she’s too much work to date. He’s sick of it. So, he’s hanging out with me tonight. My God! She was talking about Ash. “Did you complain to her about me? Did you say dating me is too hard?”
Ash stiffens and inhales sharply. “This thing with Noah…you have no idea how hard it’s been for me. I—”
“Decided to let Liz comfort you?” He doesn’t answer so I know I’m right. How long has this been going on? I can’t hold back my tears anymore. I can’t stop this ache in my chest, in my stomach, in my heart. He’s cheating on me. And I caught him. Ash, of all people, is cheating on me. Lying to me.
“We’re done,” I manage to say before pushing him in the chest and rushing down the hall. I run down the stairs, knocking over a kid from my trig class, but I don’t even apologize. I can’t talk. I can’t form words. I can’t breathe. I head out the back doors and straight for the woods behind the school. Screw my afternoon classes. Screw practice. Screw Ash. I run. The ache in my legs distracts me from the ache in my heart. Gives me something else to focus on.
I reach Horseshoe Lake, our secret meeting place. The art room pops into my head—their secret meeting place. An image of Ash kissing Liz invades my mind. No! I fall to the ground, crying into the grass. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. But it is. My necklace falls forward against my chin as my head rests on the ground. I grip it in my palm. Why did he even give me this? Was it guilt that made him buy me such an expensive gift? Guilt over cheating on me? Or is this his way of trying to get me to stick around so he can date both me and Liz? I never thought Ash could be like this. Like such a dirt bag. Like…Derrick.
Maybe this is my punishment for letting Noah into my life. Or maybe Noah is the one I was supposed to choose. Maybe I chose wrong. Noah could’ve been the guy who was supposed to save me from this. From this exact moment. From history repeating itself. And I was too dumb to see it.
How did this all unravel so quickly? I went from having everything to having nothing. A few days ago I had two guys fighting for my attention. Two guys who wanted to be with me. And now I’ve lost them both.
Chapter Eighteen
I don’t have the strength to face Ash or anyone else. My world is crumbling around me. Ash cheated on me. Grayson is mad at me. Noah isn’t talking to me because, well, because I hurt him and asked him to stay away. This school year is turning out to be a disaster. Senior year was supposed to be amazing. Me and Ash, a killer tennis season, hanging out with Grayson, but I don’t have any of that.
I tell Mom and Dad I’m sick. Since I can’t eat and I’m paler than our white shower curtain, they believe me. Mom keeps bringing me trays of food, but I can’t get anything down. My stomach is in knots. All I can think is that Ash is gone. I opened my heart to him. He’s the first guy I trusted since…But he hurt me, and now he’s gone.
Thursday morning, Mom knocks on my door before work. “Ash called again.” He’s been calling my cell, but since I don’t answer, he switched to the house phone. Mom sits on my bed. “Want to tell me what’s really going on?”
She knows I’m lying about being sick. Well, I’m sort of lying. I certainly feel worse than I ever have. But how do I tell my mom that I’m devastated because the guy I’m in love with, the guy I lost my virginity to, cheated on me with another girl, with a freshman? How do I tell her that I was stupid enough to let this happen to me again?
I break down and cry, and Mom pulls me into a hug, rubbing my back. I know she’s put the pieces together and figured out that Ash and I broke up. “Oh, sweetie, I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but—”
“Don’t.” I pull back. “Don’t give me the ‘you’re only in high school’ speech. I don’t want to hear about how many more boyfriends I’ll have before I find the one.”
Mom nods. “Okay, but I’m here if you need to talk.” She kisses the top of my head and leaves.
I slump back down under the sheets, determined to stay here forever.
***
An hour later, my bedroom door flies open and Noah waltzes in like it’s his bedroom.
“What are you doing?” I sit up, not even caring that my hair is a mess and I’m in desperate need of a shower.
“Get up. You’re going to school.”
I motion to my pajamas and the bed. “Um, no, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. If you don’t show up today, you’re going to miss your match. You aren’t going to win States wallowing in bed. You and Ash broke up. I get it. It sucks. You’re hurting. But he’s not the only guy in the world.” There’s an unspoken “I’m better for you” attached to that sentence.
I stare at him, wondering how he can even still care about me after everything that’s happened. I let him go. I chose Ash, and yet Noah’s the one in my room checking up on me after I missed two days of school. Not Ash. I wonder what Ash is doing, if he’s with Liz.
“Hello?” Noah waves his hand in front of my face.
“Forget it. I already missed two classes. You should go.”
“Don’t worry about me. I was already at school. The worst that will happen is they’ll think I skipped a class. No big deal. When I saw you were ditching, I came right over. I’m not letting you mess up your chance at a scholarship over him.” The word “him” comes off Noah’s lips like a curse. He grabs the sheet and pulls it off me. “Now get up, get showered, and let’s go. I’ll wait for you here.” He reaches for my hand and yanks me to my feet.
“Why?” I stare at him, my hand still in his.
He sighs. “Because this isn’t you. You’re not this shell of a person, Meg. When I met you that day at the courts, you were confident. You had this spunk to you. I knew who you were before that day, but I never thought about you much because you were so shy and you didn’t have…I don’t even know what to call it, but you weren’t fully there.”
Yeah, because Derrick broke me. He made me doubt my worth as a person. I hate that he made me feel that way, but how else could I feel when the first guy who ever told me he loved me tossed me aside in a heartbeat? It was only when Ash came along that I felt whole again, and not because I had another boyfriend. Because Ash made me realize that I’m worthy of being loved. And now here I am, back to where I was two years ago.
“I won’t let you turn into that person again, so get yourself together.” He squeezes my hand.
Maybe I did make a mistake. Looking at Noah now, he’s so sweet and he wants what’s best for me, even after I hurt him. “Noah, I’m sorry.”
He narrows his brow. “For what?”
“Everything. You’ve been so nice to me.”
“I pushed you, and I shouldn’t have. It’s just that you’re different from the other girls I’ve dated. Not that you and I dated. I mean—”
I put my finger to his lips, surprising us both. All this time, I’ve known Noah and I could have been a great match. But I didn’t let myself fully pursue that because of Ash. As much as I don’t want to, I still love Ash, and that only makes his betrayal hurt more. In the end, he chose
to go to Liz. And Noah chose to come here. Even after I pushed him away, he’s still here for me. That has to mean something, doesn’t it? There’s only one way to know for sure if I chose the wrong guy. I lock my eyes on his as I lean forward, inching my lips toward his.
“Meg.” He turns away.
The tears are coming back. First I’m shot down by Ash and now Noah. I can’t take any more of this.
Noah faces me again, but keeps his distance. His chest is heaving like he’s fighting his body to keep from giving in to me. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since that night at the courts. You know that. I’ve given you so many opportunities to kiss me, and believe me, I still want to. But not like this. Not while you’re upset about Ash. I won’t let you use me to make yourself feel better.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I wouldn’t do that to you.” How do I make him understand that while I still love Ash, I have feelings for him too? “After everything that’s happened with Ash, I think I might have made a mistake. Yes, you came on a little strong, but you never touched me without my consent. I don’t hold anything against you. I think you really care about me.”
“I do.” He takes one step toward me.
“I care about you, too. That’s why I couldn’t push you away sooner or tell you to leave me alone. I didn’t want to. I had feelings for both you and Ash.” My eyes lower to the floor. “I still do.”
He moves toward me and lifts my chin with his finger. “You swear this isn’t just about him?”
His face is so close, and all I can think about is pulling it closer. “I swear.” My skin prickles with anticipation of the kiss I know is coming, but he doesn’t move. That’s right. All along, he’s wanted the kiss to be my choice. I have to make the first move. Technically, I already did before he pulled away, but he wants me to do it again.
I reach forward, placing my hands on his waist. His eyes lower, like he can’t believe my hands are really on him. I tilt my head slightly to the right and meet his eyes as I lean toward his lips. I can’t help thinking of Ash for a split second, but I force him from my mind. I need to know if I’m supposed to be with Noah. I lean closer, brushing my lips lightly against his. His mouth parts, but he waits for me to deepen the kiss. My emotions let loose, and everything I’ve felt over the past few days rushes through me. I press my lips to his, harder, more demanding. The next thing I know, his hands are in my hair, my messy unwashed hair. I pull him to me, unable to get enough of him.
He moves us closer to my bed and we fall onto it. No. This is too much, too fast. I pull away, staring into his eyes. “I can’t.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He stands up and crosses his arms, looking out my window.
“It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize.”
“Yes, I do. It’s just that…well, that was a hell of a kiss. Better than I imagined it would be. It sent me over the edge.” He turns to me. “But I know you need time to get over Ash. This is why I didn’t want to kiss you.”
I walk over to him. “I’m glad you did.” I mean it. The kiss proved I do care about Noah. It’s more than a crush. My heart is torn between two guys, but Noah is the one who’s been loyal to me, despite everything. I can’t ignore that.
His lips are back on mine before I have time to process what’s going on. I kiss him, letting myself get lost in the moment. This time he doesn’t move toward the bed. We stay standing. Where it’s safe.
He pulls away, breathless. “You really have to get to school before you’re ineligible to play in the match today.”
I look at the clock. He’s right. If I’m not there by midday, I won’t get credit for coming to school and I’ll be ineligible to play. “Give me five minutes to shower.”
“Make sure you hurry. We’re alone in your house and you’re going to be naked one room over. I won’t be able to control myself for that long.” Something about his honesty is refreshing.
I smile. “Don’t even think about it.” I feel the need to say that so he doesn’t get the wrong idea about my smile. I grab shorts and a shirt and rush to the bathroom. I take the quickest shower ever, throwing my wet hair up in a ponytail. I add some lip gloss, and I’m out the door. Noah is waiting in the hall.
“Sorry, I found myself creeping toward the bathroom. Good thing you came out when you did.”
I’m not used to a guy being this open about his urges. Ash always tried to mask them for my benefit. Ash. My stomach sinks at the thought of him. No, I can’t go there. “Let’s go.”
Noah reaches for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. Are we together now? I’m not sure how I feel about that. I don’t want to walk into school holding Noah’s hand for everyone to see. For Ash to see. Yes, he hurt me, but seeing me with Noah would still bother him. I shouldn’t care about his feelings at this point, but I do, because I still love him.
I let the hand holding issue go for now. We’re at my house. No one is going to see us. I grab my keys, but Noah shakes his head. “I’ll drive you. You still aren’t yourself right now. I’d feel better if you didn’t get behind the wheel.”
I nod. Everyone will be in class, so it’s not like it will be public knowledge that Noah drove me to school. “Thanks.”
“It’s no big deal,” he says, opening the passenger door of the Camaro for me.
“I mean for everything.”
He smiles and races around to his side, hopping in next to me. “Can you answer my question now?”
“What question?”
“Can you see yourself in this car?”
I can’t help wondering if Noah somehow knew this would happen, that we’d end up here. “Well, I’m kind of in it already, so yes.”
“Good.” His dimple appears as he starts the car. The drive to school is short, and I wish we had more time before I face the entire student population of Treemont High.
“Any chance some other couple broke up today and everyone is talking about that?” I ask as I undo my seat belt.
“Sorry, not that I know of. But I’ll cross my fingers that something happened while I was with you.”
Something happened all right. I made out with Noah. This whole situation seems surreal. He opens my door for me and reaches for my hand, but I pull away.
“Hey, I hate to ask, but would you mind if we downplay this at school?”
“You don’t want Ash to know about us.”
I’m not even sure what “us” is yet. “It’s a little awkward, you know? I mean, Ash and I just broke up. If I show up at school holding hands with you, everyone will think I was the one who cheated.” I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t handle the thought of people seeing me as a cheater—like Derrick. I don’t want to be anything like him. I don’t want to think I’m capable of hurting someone the way he hurt me.
“Got it, but I’m coming to your match today, so don’t even think about asking me to skip it.”
“Deal.” I smile, and we walk into the school, no hand holding or touching at all. Thanks to my stellar good luck, the moment I’m signed in for the day—very late, but still early enough to count—the bell rings and kids pour into the halls.
“Relax,” Noah whispers to me.
“I don’t think I can.” It’s lunchtime, so we head to the cafeteria. I pause in the doorway and my heart pounds as I think about my usual seat with Ash. Where am I going to sit?
“Do you want me to sit someplace else or with you?” Noah asks. He’s willing to do whatever I want to make all this easier on me. It’s like the universe is trying to tell me to get over Ash and see what’s right in front of me. If only it were that simple.
“Want to eat outside? I don’t think I can handle sitting at my usual table and sitting at yours might be too weird.”
“Sure.” He motions for me to go ahead. I walk toward the back doors of the cafeteria, but I have to go past my usual table. Ash is already there. His eyes rise to mine, and then shift to Noah. Mine stay glued on the person sitting next to Ash, in my seat. Liz.
C
hapter Nineteen
She nuzzles up to him. They didn’t waste any time announcing their relationship to the school. I guess I knew this would happen, but seeing her in my seat, slipping so easily into what used to be my relationship is almost unbearable.
Noah places his palm on the small of my back, nudging me forward. “It’s okay. Just keep walking.”
Ash’s eyes lower to Noah’s hand. Is he bothered by this? Why should he be? He has Liz groping him. I reach for Noah’s hand. I can’t get through this without him. I feel like I’m using him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. We head outside and, luckily, we’re the only ones eating out here.
“Sorry,” I say. “That was harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s okay that you held my hand, Meg. I get it. You’re not over him. I can be patient. As long as I know you have feelings for me and this isn’t just about him, I’m okay with it.”
“I really don’t deserve you right now.”
“Don’t think like that. I like the confident Meg, remember?” He smiles, trying to make me feel better.
The rest of the day is no easier. I don’t talk to anyone in the hall or in my classes. Grayson is still pissed. I can’t believe after my break up with Ash that she’s still mad at me. I need her right now. Noah’s the only one I have. Study hall finally arrives, and I wait in the back of the library for Noah.
He slides into the seat next to me. “How are you doing? You ready for the match?”
I haven’t even thought about the match. “The girl I’m playing isn’t very good. Shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Well, you should still get your head in the game. It will do you good to forget about everything else.”
True. We talk about tennis for the entire period. Noah doesn’t try to hold my hand or kiss me. He’s letting me ease into this, and I’m thankful for that. After school he says a quick, “See you at the match,” before heading to his locker. I feel alone. Ash and I were always together. I know Noah’s giving me time and space, but I miss the closeness.
Perfect For You Page 12
