Only Love Can Heal

by Rosie Harris

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Lucy prevaricated, avoiding his eyes.

  It was not going at all as she had planned. She had intended to hint that she was pregnant, just to sound out his reaction, but she hadn’t expected him to guess before she had said a word.

  ‘I think you do!’ He grinned widely as he looked her up and down. ‘Or are you over-eating to compensate for being all on your own? You are certainly putting on weight …’

  Lucy cringed inwardly. Perhaps Gary was right and it had been a mistake to come and visit him. Russell would probably be furious if he ever found out. She hadn’t dared tell her in-laws. After she had received Ruth’s letter telling her that Gary had been injured and was back in England, her only thought had been to see him and find out how Russell was. She had told the Campbells she needed to go to London for a few days to sort things out at the flat.

  ‘Why don’t I come with you,’ Kate suggested. ‘We could have that shopping spree we are always promising ourselves.’

  Lucy couldn’t think of a single reason why Kate couldn’t come with her, although she was well aware that if she did it would be impossible for her to visit Gary. And seeing Gary was suddenly of the utmost importance.

  There had always been a special empathy between them ever since they had first met at Ruth’s place when she was stationed in Ireland. She sensed her mother didn’t like him but she could never understand why. She knew that when he had started to visit them, and had become friendly with Mark, her mother had forbidden him to come to the farm ever again.

  It had been Gary who had introduced her to Russell. At the time she had been too starry-eyed to think very much about it, but since she had been married, and made very aware of army protocol, she realised it must have been at Russell’s request.

  It was funny, she thought, how she turned to Gary rather than to her brother, Mark. In some ways she treated him as a substitute father. She wished she had known her own father. From the photographs she had seen of him in uniform he looked very similar to Gary. They were both over six foot tall, ramrod straight and with the same shape face. There was even a similarity about their eyes. Someone in the village had even thought that he and Mark were brothers, she recalled.

  When she turned her attention back again to Kate and the Colonel she realised Kate was saying she wouldn’t, after all, be able to come up to London at the moment because it would be impossible to find someone to deputise for her on the Bench at such short notice.

  ‘Magisterial duties must come first,’ the Colonel affirmed.

  Lucy hoped her restrained smile of understanding masked the elation she felt at Kate’s decision. It meant she would be able to see Gary alone and, if she could bring herself to tell him about the dilemma she was in, then he might offer some advice.

  ‘For heaven’s sake, Gary, stop teasing me. I came to visit you, not to talk about me,’ she told him as she turned her attention back to him.

  ‘Well, I am absolutely fine, as you can see,’ he grinned, waving his plastered arm in the air and nodding his bandaged head towards his right leg, which was strung up to the bed frame by pulleys.

  ‘But you will be A1 again … in time, I mean?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll mend as good as new. It will take a few months though. Still,’ he smiled complacently, ‘I reckon I am much better off being here than in the Falklands.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Lucy protested, ‘Russell is still out there, remember.’

  ‘No need to worry about him, he has a charmed life,’ Gary assured her. ‘We were together when this happened and Russell didn’t have a scratch on him.’

  ‘When do you think it will all be over, Gary?’

  ‘Quite soon. Don’t worry, Lucy. He will be home in time to be the first to know your secret.’

  ‘What secret … I haven’t got a secret,’ she snapped angrily, her face flushing.

  ‘Go on, you can’t fool me! I know you too well.’

  For a long moment their gaze locked. Lucy was the first to look away and as she did so, Gary saw her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

  ‘Come on, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ Gary said in alarm.

  ‘You can tell though,’ she choked. ‘Now everyone will know. Oh, Gary,’ she flung herself across his chest as her sobs heightened, ‘I just don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Tell me all about it, right from the beginning,’ he said, clumsily stroking her hair with his bandaged hand.

  ‘You have guessed already what is wrong,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘I am pregnant!’

  ‘Well, that is wonderful news. Russell will be thrilled.’

  ‘You don’t understand, Gary. I don’t want this baby.’

  ‘Of course you do. An heir for Walford Grange Estate! His folks will be over the moon. Why the tears?’

  ‘I am too young to start a family,’ Lucy protested. ‘I don’t want to end up like Ruth, every minute of my day centred around my kids,’ she added petulantly.

  ‘Ruth is happy enough.’

  ‘Is she? That is all you know. Ruth never has any time to do the things she wants to do. She spends her entire life cooking, cleaning and looking after the children. She never has any money to spend on herself. Sally and Anna are always needing new shoes, new clothes or something.’

  ‘She probably gets her kicks by keeping them happy,’ Gary protested.

  ‘Does she? I doubt it. I’ve seen the envious way she looks at your Sheila when she has a new coat or dress. You two have had more sense than to get tied down with kids.’

  Lucy was so immersed in her own problem, and so busy wiping her eyes, that she failed to see the shadow that flickered across Gary’s face.

  ‘Come on, nothing is ever as bad as it seems,’ he told her. His heart ached as he looked at Lucy’s petulant face. She was still so childish in spite of her sophisticated makeup and clothes. ‘Go and talk things over with Ruth, or your mum, and I’m sure they will tell you the same.’

  ‘No! I am going to get rid of it, Gary, so don’t you dare say a word to either of them.’

  ‘You mustn’t do that!’ Gary exclaimed aghast. ‘For heaven’s sake, Lucy, grow up! You wanted to marry Russell Campbell and having his children is all part of that contract. You can’t have an abortion just because right this minute you are not in the mood to have a baby. It’s a human life you are talking about destroying, remember!’ He lay back on his pillows, exhausted. ‘Go and see Ruth. She will understand, and advise you what to do.’

  Ruth’s reaction when Lucy told her she was pregnant was very much the same as Gary’s. She absolutely refused to believe that Lucy could be serious about an abortion.

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish, Lucy. You’ll feel quite differently about it when Russell comes home.’ She put an arm around Lucy and gave her a reassuring hug. ‘Come on, I’ll make a cup of tea and we can plan out some of the details. Have you bought anything for the baby yet? If not we will have to go on a shopping spree. I wish I had kept the cot I used to have. It was in perfect condition, but I gave it away because Hugh insists we keep our possessions down to the bare essentials. It makes moving quarters easier if we do that. Mum will want to be in on our plans, of course.’ She paused. ‘You have told Mum you are preggers?’

  ‘No, I have not and I am not going to do so.’

  ‘But you must! Phone and tell her right away. She will be thrilled …’

  ‘You have not listened to a word I have been saying, have you Ruth, or you would not be saying such stupid things,’ Lucy snapped. ‘I may be pregnant but I am definitely not having this baby … I am going to have an abortion … now is that clear.’

  ‘Lucy, no!’ Ruth’s eyes blazed. ‘You must talk to Russell. It would be quite wrong to do something like that behind his back. You do understand!’ She shook Lucy’s shoulder fiercely.

  ‘How can I tell Russell when he is stuck out in the Falklands?’ Lucy snivelled. Her eyes misted over and her face seemed to crumple.

  ‘He is not going
to be there for the rest of his life, is he,’ Ruth flared. ‘Just wait until he comes back home before you make any decision.’

  ‘That may be weeks, months … years, even,’ Lucy said plaintively.

  ‘Rubbish! I had a letter from Hugh just a couple of days ago and he said the end was in sight. He thought it would probably all be over in a matter of weeks and they would be coming home.’

  ‘That is still too long for me to wait. If I’m going to have an abortion I must have it as soon as possible,’ Lucy wailed, as tears began trickling down her face.

  She looked so young and vulnerable that Ruth found it hard to believe that Lucy was the wife of one of her husband’s superiors. Ever since she could remember, Lucy had turned to her when she was in trouble, just as she was doing now, Ruth thought as she gathered her young sister into her arms to try and console her.

  ‘Don’t take on so,’ she whispered. ‘Things will turn out OK. You don’t have to worry, having a baby is not all that bad. Once you hold it in your arms you soon forget all the pain and discomfort.’

  ‘That’s not what is bothering me,’ Lucy gulped. She pulled free from Ruth, dabbing at her eyes and sniffing back her tears.

  ‘What is worrying you then?’ Ruth asked.

  ‘I … I don’t want to be tied down … like you are with Anna and Sally.’

  ‘But I wouldn’t want it any other way,’ Ruth insisted. ‘I enjoy what I do for my two. I even feel lonely during term time when they are not around all day. I can’t wait for it to be time to go and meet them from school. Anyway, it will probably be different for you. Russell has money, he will be able to afford a nanny if you want one. You’ll see it all quite differently once you hold the baby m your arms. You will be a real family, Lucy, don’t throw all that away before you have had time to talk it over with Russell.’

  Although Ruth pressed her to stay on for a few days, Lucy decided to go back to Walford Grange. She suspected that Ruth only wanted her to stay so that she could try and reason with her. If Ruth was right, and the Falklands War was coming to an end soon, then she would have to move quickly if she was to carry out her plan before Russell got home.

  When she arrived back at Walford Grange, and saw the stricken look on Kate’s face, Lucy thought for a moment that they must have already discovered her guilty secret.

  Lucy’s fear turned to bewilderment, and her heart missed a beat, as Kate folded her in her arms and then began to cry, while the Colonel patted both of them awkwardly on the shoulder. Between them, they finally managed to tell her that Russell had been badly injured.

  ‘The message came through shortly after you left for London,’ Kate explained, her face white and drawn. ‘We have been trying to phone you at the flat ever since.’

  ‘I have been in touch with the War Office,’ the Colonel assured her. ‘Russell is being flown home. He is due in this country any time now,’ he added as he checked with his watch. ‘He will have the very best medical attention so try not to worry. Everything will be all right, I am sure of that. I have told the army authorities that you can be reached here and they have promised that someone will phone to let you know just as soon as his plane lands at Brize Norton.’

  Lucy felt too dazed to cry. For the rest of the day she walked round in a trance, waiting to hear he was back in England.

  When the call finally came, Lucy’s nerves were as taut as a violin string. She was shaking so much that she found it impossible to concentrate and had to pass the phone over to the Colonel.

  The news was that Russell had been taken straight to a spinal injuries unit. When the Colonel phoned the number they had been given he was told that Russell was to be operated on immediately and he was asked to call back next day.

  Sleep for all of them was out of the question. They stayed downstairs, drinking coffee and dozing fitfully until the early hours of the next morning. As dawn broke, Lucy could stand the waiting no longer and insisted that they should phone the hospital. When they did so, the news was grave, even worse than they had expected. Russell’s injuries were so severe that they were warned he might never walk again.

  Chapter 30

  Robert and Kate Campbell went with Lucy to Woolwich Military Hospital to see Russell. She would have preferred to go on her own but the Colonel was adamant that they accompanied her.

  ‘We wouldn’t dream of letting you undertake such a journey alone, would we, my dear,’ he boomed, tugging the ends of his moustache and turning to his wife for support.

  ‘We are anxious to see him too, Lucy,’ Kate pointed out.

  She seemed to have aged overnight. Although as immaculately groomed and carefully made-up as ever, she looked distraught. The fine lines under her deep-set brown eyes were more pronounced and her jawline sagged. Even her shoulders drooped as if someone had removed the padding and her voice was no longer crisp and decisive but resigned and weary. Even her tailored grey slacks and the stylish black and white blouse looked wrong, almost as if she had put on the first things that came to hand instead of selecting carefully as she usually did.

  When she saw Russell, Lucy was glad they were with her. The lower half of his body was covered by a cage and a wide surgical collar supported his neck and head. His face was the same colour as the pillows, and the dark shadows under his eyes added to his pallor. Only his arms seemed to be unscathed but he was unable to move even those fully because of the intravenous tubes attached to them. When she took one of his hands between her own it lay there lifeless, completely without feeling. Even when she gently squeezed it, there was no answering pressure.

  It was only two days after his operation so they were not allowed to stay for more than a few minutes. When the Sister came to tell them their time was up, Kate and the Colonel left at once, leaving Lucy a few minutes alone with Russell.

  Even then he seemed unaware of what was happening. He lay with his eyes closed, as if he had already drifted back into a state of semi-consciousness, and she was not even sure if he knew she was still there. Tears blinding her she stumbled from the ward to where Russell’s parents were waiting.

  Everyone was so concerned about Russell, and the slow progress he was making, that the fact that Lucy was off her food and looked washed-out most of the time, went almost unnoticed. Once Kate remarked on it, but she attributed it to the fact that Lucy was upset about Russell. And Lucy said nothing to correct her.

  Alone in her bedroom at night, however, Lucy went through an agony of doubt and self-reproach. She still believed she ought to have an abortion yet, since talking to Gary, she felt guilty about going ahead with it. There was the added complication that it was now impossible for her to disappear for a few days. Russell’s parents expected her to be at the hospital, at Russell’s bedside. Perhaps if she had told Gary everything, confided in him that the baby might be Carlile Randell’s, he would have understood and not condemned her as he had done. If only she could explain everything to Russell but he was in no fit state to be troubled by such problems.

  For several days Russell’s life hung in the balance. Then suddenly the crisis reached its peak and he was on the road to recovery. The colour was back in his cheeks and although he still looked haggard he was showing an optimism that astonished them all.

  He took the news that he might never be able to walk again with remarkable fortitude. His only concern seemed to be that he and Lucy would have to give up their fourth floor flat in London because it would be impracticable with a wheelchair.

  ‘It looks as though I may have to move in with you!’ Russell told his parents. ‘Perhaps we could turn part of the ground floor at Walford Grange into a flat. Or you could even stable me in one of the barns,’ he grinned.

  ‘Nonsense! We will install a lift,’ Kate told him. His recovery had acted like a tonic. Her own spirits restored, she was once more the efficient organiser.

  ‘Absolutely ruin the character of the place,’ the Colonel snorted, frowning angrily.

  There was an uneasy silence. Kate bristl
ed sensing that Robert was none too pleased at the thought of Russell living at home. Knowing how much he had resented the terms of her father’s Will, up until now, she had let Robert act out his ‘lord of the manor’ fantasy to his heart’s content. Now, however, if he opposed Russell’s coming back home to live she would have no hesitation in reminding him of the fact that Walford Grange did not belong to him.

  Once Russell’s improvement was established, Robert and Kate went home but Lucy stayed on in London, welcoming the opportunity to talk to Russell, without constant interruption from his parents. Her nerves were almost at breaking point. Another couple of weeks and probably it would be too late to have an abortion.

  Russell, too, seemed anxious to see her alone. On her first visit without his parents, she found him propped up in bed, his mouth a grim tight line, his green eyes hard and expressionless.

  ‘Are you in pain?’ she asked after kissing him and receiving no response whatsoever.

  ‘No. I want to talk to you … about the future … our future!’

  Fear gripped her as she sat down in the chair at his bedside. She reached out to take his hand but he adroitly moved it away.

  ‘Lucy, I think we should get a divorce.’

  The bluntness of his statement staggered her. She stared back at Russell wide-eyed, wondering if she had heard aright.

  From the grim set of his face she knew he meant it. She wondered what reasoning lay behind his request. Had he found out about Carlile Randell? She could not believe that either of his parents would tell him, even if they suspected, and as far as she knew, no one else had visited him. She wondered if Melany Buscombe, or someone, could have written and told him but she pushed that thought from her mind. Knowing how ill he was, surely no one could be so unfeeling.

  Steeling herself, she reached out and took Russell’s hand in hers. Although he didn’t avoid her he let it lie there, limp and completely unresponsive, as she stroked the back of it.

  ‘No,’ she told him in a voice barely above a whisper. ‘No! I want us to be together, Russ … always. I love you!’