“There’s not anything wrong with it, but I…”
“But what?”
“I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. My life is not all flowers and fairy tales. It’s been horrible and I’ve been alone for most of it. I’m sorry, but I’m not ready to take that step with you. You’re asking me to put all my trust in you that this will work out and I can’t. I can date you and learn to love you, but I can’t just put it all out there at once.”
His eyes narrowed at me. “Learn to love me?”
“That’s not what I meant. I just…I mean that it takes time for me to put my trust in someone and get to the point where I feel something more than friendship.”
“So last night, what I felt when I was with you, you didn’t feel that too?
“I felt passion and I felt how much you love me.” Tears were forming in my eyes. I was hurting him because I couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to. “I knew last night that I wanted to be in this with you, but not, I’m not ready for more. I’m sorry, but I don’t love you.”
He flinched back, the hurt etched on his face. He got up from the bed and walked a few steps away and I felt like I was losing him so I started rambling again.
“I mean, I could someday, maybe, but not right now and moving in with you isn’t going to change that. Shit. This is all coming out wrong.”
“I think that’s enough for tonight,” he said quietly.
“Cole, you’re not understanding me correctly. I’m doing a bad job of explaining.”
He face flashed up to mine and the cold look of indifference was all I saw.
“I think you did just fine. I get it. Let’s get some sleep. You need your rest after having surgery.”
He sat down in the chair and leaned back, closing his eyes. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I stared at the ceiling. I had really fucked that up. Why did I tell him no? It would be the same living with him at his house or at his mom’s. The difference would be that we would be alone and I couldn’t run and hide if things were difficult for me. I was obviously having a hard time trusting, which is silly considering he’s the one that calms me and keeps my nightmares at bay. My body and mind trust him so why doesn’t my heart?
The next morning, Cole wasn’t in the room and I wondered if he had decided he’d had enough of me and taken off. My face was throbbing and I really needed to pee, but I was attached to a catheter since I was drugged up last night. I pressed the nurse’s button and told them I needed assistance. A few minutes later, a cute little nurse that was the size of a human fairy came in the room. She was bubbly and bright. Normally, that would bother me when I’m in a bad mood, but she had charm to her and I found myself smiling after a few minutes.
She checked the machines and my bandages and adjusted my pain meds. Then she removed the catheter and helped me to the bathroom. When I came back out, she had remade the bed and was coming back over to help me.
“That hunk of yours told me to let you know he ran out for coffee and would be back soon. Quite a catch you have there. Every time I came in to check on you last night, he was holding your hand and staring at you. Total dreamboat!” She blew out a breath and fanned her face.
“Yeah, he’s pretty great.” Wonderful. Even outsiders could see how great Cole was. I was the only moron that was having trouble believing it. The nurse left the room and I waited for Cole to return. The nurse had left a list of things I could eat for breakfast off the menu and gave me instructions for how to order. I decided I might as well order and then I watched some t.v. My food arrived about a half hour later and Cole still wasn’t back. I ate and then the doctor came in to check on how I was doing. He said everything looked good and I could leave as soon as the nurse brought in the discharge papers and went over the aftercare sheet with me. A thought floated through my mind that I might not have a place to go when I was discharged.
The nurse came back a while later with the discharge papers and just when she was about to explain aftercare instructions, Cole walked through the door. I almost started crying in relief. I had to look down so he wouldn’t see it written all over my face. He walked over and listened as the nurse explained and he interjected a few times to ask questions. When she left, I finally looked up at him. His face was blank. I had no idea what he was thinking and I didn’t think I had the right to ask anymore.
“Are you ready to go?”
“I just need to go to the bathroom and get changed. Then we can go.”
He nodded and stood with his hands in his pockets. He didn’t make any effort to help me and I had a sneaking suspicion that what I said had completely shut him down. I went to the bathroom and dressed as quickly as I could. When I came back out, he had a wheelchair waiting for me and my bag in hand. I sat down and he pushed me down the hall to the elevator. When we got out to the car, he held my arm as I climbed into his truck and then returned the wheelchair to the entrance. He drove us to the pharmacy drive-thru and got my prescriptions, then we headed home. He helped me into the house and into bed, then he left the room, returning with a bottle of water, my pills, and an ice pack.
“Is there anything else I can get for you?”
“No. I’m good.”
He handed me the remote and then mumbled something about needing to run some errands. I sank back into the pillow and stared at the ceiling, thinking I had made a total mess of things. I wanted to talk to him about it, but I didn’t know what to say and every time he was around, I got nervous and lost the courage to bring it up.
That night, I waited up for him until after ten. I was tired and the painkillers were making my head fuzzy. I just wanted to sleep, but I was scared to go to sleep without him. He finally came in and grabbed some clothes, heading towards the bathroom to change. He came out with pajama pants and a t-shirt, something he hadn’t worn since the first night we slept in the same bed. He laid down and said goodnight. When I looked over at him, he rolled away from me and a few minutes later I heard his breathing even out with sleep.
That was the way the next few days and nights went and I knew I could fix it if I could just think of the right words. I planned to talk to him the next morning, but when I got up, he was already up for the day. I went into the kitchen and saw Patricia making breakfast for me and I smiled at her.
“Good morning. Where’s Cole this morning?”
She looked at me with sympathy. “He went home, honey.”
“Oh. Is he doing stuff over there today?”
“No, he took his stuff back home this morning and he’s going to stay there from now on. He said you could call him if you needed something.”
It was as if a lightning bolt had struck my chest. Pain radiated everywhere and no amount of pain pills would fix the hurt. I knew he wanted to go home, but he didn’t even say goodbye. He just left me. I had suspected that at some point our so called relationship would end, but I never expected it to be so soon. Deep down I knew this was my fault. He had pushed, but I had said hurtful things, no matter how true. He was being honest with me about what he wanted and I was too chicken shit to tell him that I felt something deep for him that night we danced. I very well could have been falling in love with him, but I didn’t tell him that. I gave him no hope at all and told him I didn’t love him. Now I was alone again and I didn’t know if there was anything I could say that would bring him back to me.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Cole
I couldn’t stay there anymore. I knew it would be hard on her at night, but I couldn’t put myself through it anymore. Sleeping next to her without holding her was torture. I’m sure she would have let me, but that would only make it harder on me. I snuck out early this morning and let my mom know that I was going home. She doesn’t know what happened between us and I didn’t want to tell her. She doesn’t need to be in the middle of this. Besides, Alex is staying with her and I didn’t want Alex to be uncomfortable. I called Harper on my way home and asked her to meet me at my house. Apparently, Jack and Harper were on a family
vacation with their son, but she promised to call me when she got back.
I walked in my house and grabbed a beer out of the fridge, then walked down to my bedroom and stared at the room. I gulped down the beer and then threw it against the wall. It didn’t matter. Everything in this fucking room was tainted with her and it all had to go. Except the bed. The bed was really comfortable and there was no sense in getting rid of a perfectly good mattress.
I started ripping the sheets off the bed and I grabbed it all, dragging it into the living room. Then I grabbed the comforter and pillows and threw them in the living room. Next, I went to the dresser and sorted through my drawers looking for anything that she wore of mine. After that, it was the bathroom. All the towels and washcloths had to go. I even took out the toothbrush holders and the little dish by the sink. Anything that she touched had to go. I gathered it all up in the living room and then grabbed trash bags.
I loaded everything up and then threw it outside to take to the garbage later. I sat back down on the couch and drank more beer, hoping to forget about Alex. I spent most of the day on the couch drinking and thinking about all the shit that had happened in such a small amount of time. She had been through so much and I couldn’t fault her for her feelings, but why? Why had all this shit happened, just when things were going good between us? Why did she refuse to really give me a chance?
Those thoughts plagued me over the next week. I hadn’t bothered to buy any new stuff for the bedroom, so I slept on the couch, each night more uncomfortable than the one before. Almost every night I woke up with nightmares, only these had nothing to do with war and everything to do with Alex being taken from me. Sometimes I dreamt of her being held in that cellar, but mostly I dreamt of me not getting to her in time to save her. Every time I tried to fall back asleep, I woke soon after from another nightmare.
Running was out of the question and I couldn’t really do a whole lot yet, so I ended up going on walks through the woods trying to clear my head. The second day that I was out, I thought about the fact that Alex had run to my house while escaping. In her condition, she couldn’t have come from far away. I wondered if the cabin that he had been working from was the same one Alex was held at. I doubted it because she said he never stayed longer than to give her food or torture her. I pulled out my phone and called Sean.
“Hey, Sean. I was wondering, where was the cabin that blew up located?”
“It was two towns over, about a half hour drive. Why?”
“I was just thinking that I might be able to find the one Alex was held in. She said that she ran to my house and she had left the day before. The condition that she was in, she couldn’t have been far away.”
“Let me look into properties in the area and see what kind of cabins are near you. I’ll be over tonight.”
I hung up and started walking back to my house. There was really nothing that would come of finding the cabin. The killer had been caught and Alex was safe, but if I could find that cabin, maybe it would give us both some closure.
Sean came over with maps of the surrounding areas and cabins that could possibly be where Alex was held. It was too dark to go out looking now, but Sean said that he could come out tomorrow and help me look. We made plans to start looking at seven the next morning and Sean headed home for the night.
The next morning, we set out on our search for the cabin. The problem was that we didn’t really know what we were looking for. It’s not like there would be a big sign that said “Alex’s prison”. By the time we got to the seventh cabin, I was feeling like we wouldn’t find anything. This one looked like all the rest. It was in the middle of the woods with a little, overgrown yard surrounding the cabin. I walked up to the cabin and looked in through the windows, but it looked deserted. There were no signs that anyone had been there. As I was walking around the cabin, I noticed what looked like a patch of the ground dug up. Memories of Alex telling me how she escaped came flooding back and I ran over to it. Sure enough, there was a hole in the ground that was big enough for a small adult to fit through.
“Sean! Get over here.”
Sean came running over and looked down at the ground.
“Holy shit. Let me make a call.”
I was antsy to get inside and check things out. I didn’t want to wait, but we couldn’t contaminate the crime scene. I heard Sean talking to his captain on the phone and after a few minutes, he walked back over to me.
“Cap thinks that he can get us a search warrant fairly quick. He’s got a judge that owes him a favor. Normally, with the case being closed, we’d be looking at a long wait. Let’s hope this judge sees things our way. An hour later, his captain called back and said the judge would approve the warrant. They had to draw up the papers and would meet them at the cabin in a few hours.
“When they get here, we have to secure the scene. When that’s done, I’ll come get you, but you stay by me the whole time, understand?”
I nodded and we went back to the car to wait for the warrant to arrive. Two hours later, police cars showed up and got to work securing the scene. Sean came out to talk to me a half hour later.
“There’s not much in there as far as evidence. The guys are dusting for prints, but it looks like all he did was drop in every day. There’s nothing else.”
“What about the cellar?”
A pained expression crossed his face. “I don’t think you want to see.”
“You’re wrong. I need to see. I need to see with my own eyes what she dealt with.”
“Alright. Follow me and don’t touch anything.”
As soon as he opened the door to the cabin, the smell hit me. It was so foul that I had to step back for a moment and let out a few breaths. Then I stepped through the door and followed him to the cellar door. He handed me a handkerchief to cover my face with. As we walked down the steps, I was grateful he had done so. The smell was even more potent down here.
The first thing I noticed was the lack of light. It was closing in on nighttime and there was hardly any light peeking in. She must have been terrified. One of the technicians brought down a flood light and set it up for us. Water bottles, cellophane, and empty food wrappers littered the dirt floor. This was what she had survived on. How did she even have the energy to escape?
Sean led me over to the hole she had dug in the wall. There’s no way I could have fit through there. She had dug just enough to be able to wiggle through. Tears filled my eyes at the thought of her trapped down here, digging her way to survival. She was so strong, but this was the stuff of nightmares. Her nightmares. I wanted her back so badly, but if it was a choice between getting her back by remembering this or never having her again, I hoped that her memory never returned.
✯✯✯✯✯
Harper and Jack were finally back from their vacation and Harper had called to say that she would be coming over this afternoon. It had been two days since I saw the hell that Alex lived in for five months. I spent the better part of those two days drinking beer and wishing that I could have killed the bastard slowly and painfully.
When Harper walked in that afternoon, I was totally unsurprised to see Jack walk in with her.
“Where’s Ethan?”
“I left him with Anna. When you called I thought you might need Jack, and judging by the large number of trash bags outside with bed linens and towels hanging out of them, I would say I was right.”
Jack walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer and made his way back to the living room. “So what’s up? Why are you throwing shit out?”
“I’m purging a woman from my life.”
Harper’s jaw dropped open and if it stayed open any longer, she was going to have a new house for flies.
“Is this the chick Sean was telling me about? The one that landed you in the hospital?” Jack asked as he sat down.
“That’s the one. Nice of you to visit me in the hospital, by the way.” I finished my beer and didn’t feel like getting up to get another, so I grabbed the one out of Jack�
��s hand and drank it down.
“Dick. You could have just asked me for another one.”
“Just grab the case. I’m not getting up again,” I shouted as he made his way to the kitchen.
“I’ll get up. I’m not drinking warm beer,” he shouted back to me.
He walked back in and handed me another beer, so I chugged the one I stole from Jack and started on the new one.
“I did stop by the hospital, but you were sleeping every time I came. Then you were released before I could get there. I had to go out of town to look at a few cars and your mom said you were doing fine, so you can shut your mouth.”
Harper interjected, “Jack hasn’t told me anything. What happened?”
I spent the next half hour telling Harper and Jack what had happened. I told them about me finding Alex, getting her healthy again, falling in love with her, trying to outrun the psycho, her waking up with no memory, falling back in love, and finally, her telling me that she didn’t love me. When I was done I felt depressed over the whole thing.
“She probably just needs time, Cole. She’s been through a lot,” Harper said sadly.
“You weren’t there. She could’ve kicked me in the balls and it would’ve hurt less.”
“Okay, well what do you need from me? You need me to talk to her?” Harper perked up as she said this and I knew she was hoping to get information out of Alex. It wasn’t going to happen. No one else needed to be involved in our squabble.
“What? No. I need you to go buy me new shit for my room and bathroom.”
I grabbed my wallet and handed her my credit card. She rolled her eyes and got up to grab the card from me.
“Men.”
“Just don’t buy any girly shit. I want only manly stuff. Got it?”
“Yes. You want a comforter with a picture of a caveman on it to match your personality. Should I get all brown to match the shit storm you’ve made of your life?” She narrowed her eyes at me in a challenge.
Cole: A Romantic Thriller Novel (For The Love Of A Good Woman Book 2) Page 19
