by Claire Adams
“She doesn’t need a babysitter, Nate, she needs a friend,” Chase said without hesitation.
The anxiety that was building up in my body was something I had become very familiar with over the years. It started in the tips of my fingers and I felt it move up my arms and to my chest. This is where I would remove myself from a situation and avoid whatever it was that was giving me the feeling of being out of control.
Handling stress in a war zone was so much easier than handling stress back home though. There were many situations that I could remove myself from, like grocery stores and shopping malls; and there were many situations where I needed to sit through the anxiety and try and find a way to deal with it, like having Jordan at my house. The emotions of dealing with people that cared about me were much harder to navigate than just shooting at an enemy.
“Okay, whatever. I’ve got things to finish,” I said as I stood up from the table and walked out the door.
I needed a break from our conversation. For me, it was better to get up and take a break than to let myself get too out of control. There was a fine line with this and it had taken me years to learn when to stay and when to get out of a conversation; I knew Ana would be going through something similar as she recovered.
“He’s almost exactly like her. Are you sure they will be okay here?” I heard Jordan ask Chase before I left the house.
I didn’t stick around long enough to hear Chase respond, but I knew what his answer was going to be. He was more than familiar with my PTSD struggles and knew that I lived out in the woods of Georgia because I couldn’t stand the loud noises and chaos of the city. Chase and I had some heartfelt conversations over the years about the role my various women had played in keeping me distracted and preventing me from living what he called a real life. But even though we didn’t always agree, Chase let me handle things my own way and I appreciated that. He didn’t run after me or try to get me to talk to him. He knew I just needed my space.
The idea that I was going to have to be in charge of helping Ana deal with her traumatic event was not funny. I didn’t deal with things: I avoided them. Sure, I could teach Ana how to avoid her issues and move on with her life, if that was what she wanted. Every person had to learn how they could deal with their own PTSD. It was different for everyone and I would certainly explain to Ana how I tried to deal with things, but I really did want Ana to come and stay with me. I couldn’t explain the pull toward her; I just knew I was going to say yes to her staying.
But I didn’t agree to have her because of Jordan or Chase; I agreed because I thought it would be best for Ana. Despite a small part of me still feeling like it was too much for me to take on and the wrong decision, I was going to let Ana come stay with me. The haunting look in her eyes when I pulled her out of Stephano Copal’s house was still vividly in my memory. The way her arms held on around my neck like I was the only other person in the world, that was something I just wasn’t willing to turn away.
Even when we finally made it to the hotel and I carried her up the stairs and to her friend Jordan, I felt an energy from Ana. I could feel that she was beaten but strong. There was an inner fire in her that wasn’t going to allow the events of that day to break her. I needed to feel her strength again. Even if that meant I would have to deal with my own issues.
I didn’t feel like I had done very many great things in my life, but I would always remember that moment when I helped her and the other women out of that situation. I carried other women out of that building and didn’t feel the same pull toward them as I did with Ana. It wasn’t just because I had rescued her. There was something deep down in our souls that pulled us toward each other.
I knew that having her at my house wouldn’t mean anything sexual, although I had all of those feelings toward her as well. Most of my adult life, that had been a primary driving force in why I had any sort of relationship with a woman. But with Ana, it was different; if she never wanted to have such a relationship with me, I would still be there for her. She needed me and I wanted to do whatever I could for her.
But I couldn’t bring myself to go and visit her before it was time for her to come home with me. I had made plenty of plans to drive up to her facility and I had made just as many excuses for why I couldn’t go that day. Then before I knew it, the day had come to pick Ana up and I was driving up there without even having talked to her.
It wasn’t the best situation to show up as I was, and I knew it. I knew I should have driven up and talked to her before; it was just another way I had avoided the reality of what I needed to do. It was a crappy way to introduce myself to Ana, but she might as well know how excellent I was at avoiding situations when I wanted to.
There was a lot about me that wasn’t perfect, but those same things were why I was understanding of what Ana would be going through. I knew that she wouldn’t want to hang out all the time or talk all the time. I knew she was going to want time to herself and to just deal with everything that was going in her head; and I was all right with that.
My major positive trait was my ability to go with the flow and I knew that would help when dealing with Ana. I didn’t care what she did and I was going to be happy to adjust things to help her get through her ordeal. It was a job for me, a mission to help her feel better, and I always worked better when I had a clear mission.
Although I had a lot of anxiety about seeing Ana and getting her home, I was also very excited to see how she was doing. Jordan and Chase had tried to fill me in, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her with my own eyes and seeing just how she was doing. I also couldn’t wait to see her for other more selfish reasons. I had fantasies about her all the time, but I couldn’t remember what her body looked like. I always remembered her face and her arms as they had held onto me, but my mind just couldn’t remember the rest of her and I needed that memory to complete my fantasies. The thoughts that ran through my mind were just for me and I didn’t have to ever react to them, but I wanted them to be complete.
Chapter 3
ANA
“He’s here,” Mike said as he stood in the doorway to my room.
“Shit. Um, okay. Let me grab the rest of my things.”
My room at Sandy Meadows had been amazing. It was brilliant and light throughout the daytime, with the one window that shown toward the flower garden out back. Even at night, the moon managed to glimmer into the room and shine a peaceful glow over me while I slept.
It was strange; some nights I was able to sleep and felt totally peaceful, but other nights I was in a fit with dreams and nightmares that totally got me worked up. I would sometimes have visions and horrible tantrums as I slept and not even realize it until the morning. The feeling of not having control over myself was the worst part of the dreams, aside from the confusion that often happened when I woke up.
The single bed that was placed against one wall was the perfect size for me and I didn’t mind it at all. It felt comfortable not to have a ton of extra room on the bed. Having extra room around me made me anxious, but so did not having extra room around me. It was a delicate balance of feeling safe in the space I had but not out of control from too much space. The dim colors in the room had become comforting to me, just like the plain furnishings and cold floors. My room at Sandy Meadows was all I’d known for the last several months. I started to shake at the idea of leaving it behind.
“Take a couple deep breaths. I’m going to go talk to Nathan for a little bit and you just come out whenever you are ready.”
“Thanks, Mike,” I said and hugged him.
The facility frowned upon hugging, but I didn’t care, I was leaving in just a few minutes. Mike was a good person and I couldn’t imagine making it through my time there without him. He was firm with me, yet allowed me the room I needed to deal with my emotions. I got the sense that he had been through something really horrible in his life, but I had never asked him about it. I felt enough comfort from our therapy sessions that I knew he understood my thoughts on a deeper le
vel than just as a counselor. He probably wouldn’t have told me about his life if I had asked; I’m sure counselors have some sort of privacy policy about their own life.
I gathered up the last of my journals and artwork from my desk and then stood at the doorway and looked back at my room. It wasn’t fancy, but that room had been the best home I had had in almost a year. My life was so different from anything I had ever experienced back in Liechtenstein; I was dealing with new and different emotions and didn’t have the support of many people at all. It was different for me than I had hoped my life would have been.
When I was younger, I fantasized about saving people. I hadn’t thought of the profession I would do that in. But there were plenty that seemed like useful professions, like police officers, firefighters, and doctors. Instead of saving people, though, I was the one that needed saving. It wasn’t a good feeling to have, but I hoped I could find peace and maybe someday work toward a new profession that I could feel proud of.
As I made my way through the main lobby I stopped to hug all the nurses and techs that had been there to help me on my journey. Something about goodbyes always made me cry, but on this day, it was even worse. I could hardly catch my breath because the tears were running down my face so hard.
These were the men and women who had cried with me, laughed with me, and sat and listened to me for hours and hours over the last few months. It was through their generosity that I was getting better, and I couldn’t thank them enough. Every single one of them had helped me in their own way and I was sad to have to say goodbye to them.
After setting my bags down in front of Mike’s office, I stood still and watched the doorknob. I wasn’t ready to go in yet. My tears were still damp on my cheeks and I needed to catch my breath before I went in and saw Nate. I still couldn’t believe he had agreed to let me stay at his house. It didn’t seem like something any guy would willingly do, so I had to assume that Jordan worked her magic on him. She was persuasive and had probably convinced him that it was his idea, even.
Jordan had a special way with talking to people and dealing with them. She was able to smile and laugh at their jokes, connect with someone so easily, and ask for favors that people willingly jumped to help her with. I was sure she had convinced Nate through her power of suggestion and that he hadn’t actually volunteered to have me come stay there.
“Are you going in, or just going to stand here and stare at the door?” a deep voice said from behind me.
Before I knew what had happened, I had spun around and fallen to the ground, curled up like a child, and was pressed up against the corner of the hallway. It happened so fast I didn’t know what I was doing. It was as if I didn’t have control over myself at all and my body just reacted with a level of fear that was intense an obviously unwarranted.
My reaction to startling noises had been getting better over the months I had been there, but the close proximity of the man’s voice had triggered something inside of me that I didn’t have control of for a moment. My brain knew that I was safe outside of my counselor’s office, but my body reacted the way it did anyways. Perhaps my brain wasn’t so sure I was safe at all.
“No, no, no,” I heard myself saying quietly as I opened my eyes and looked up at Nate standing over me.
I was so embarrassed, totally mortified that I had just done that. But I knew that Mike couldn’t see me on the ground or he likely wouldn’t let me go yet. He’d say that I needed to stay and continue working, which I absolutely wasn’t going to do. I needed out of that place, even though it scared me to death to leave. I knew I wouldn’t move forward until I got out.
“Here,” Nate said as he stood over me and held out his hand for me to grab onto. “That was my fault; I’m sorry.”
His voice was sincere and I didn’t see a hint of pity in his eyes at all. He wasn’t worried about me, and he wasn’t sad like Jordan and Chase had been when they saw me; Nate seemed unfazed by my display and simply offered me a hand up.
“Thanks,” I said as I avoided his gaze.
His blue eyes were still embedded into my memory from the night he had taken me out of Stephano’s home. I could never forget them, but I couldn’t look at them, either. My hand shook terribly in his and I felt him tighten his grip slightly around me. His touch was comforting, but not in the same way as the nurses and staff around Sandy Meadows; Nate’s touch was more firm and absolute.
“Everything all right out here?” I heard Mike say as he opened the door.
My eyes darted to Nate’s and I begged him not to say anything to Mike that would jeopardize my departure. I plead with one simple gaze, and somehow Nate understood exactly what I was saying. I really had no idea how he knew what I was saying, but he did.
“I’m just a clumsy oaf and bumped into Ana; let’s get going on this paperwork,” Nate said as he released my hand and walked into Mike’s office.
I followed closely behind and sat down in the empty chair across from Mike and next to Nate. Mike started to talk about how well I was doing and what to expect when I got home. I lost focus during the conversation very quickly and ended up looking out the window at the garden. It was so peaceful out there and I was going to miss it.
“Ana. Ana, are you all right?” I heard Mike saying as I turned back to him.
“Oh, yes, sorry. I’m fine.”
Mike looked at me with a skeptical eye, but he didn’t push it further. He knew I couldn’t pay attention for very long and I was excited to be getting out of that place, even if my body was scared as hell.
Surprisingly though, my hands weren’t shaking at all. I looked down at them and then back up toward Mike. He gave me a smile as he noticed they were still as could be. I certainly was still scared to leave, and I didn’t know Nate at all, but I felt safe with him. Safe, but not exactly comfortable; there was a distinct difference.
Nate stood to shake Mike’s hand and then, without a word, walked out of the room and grabbed my bags as he made his way out to the parking lot.
“Well, at least we know I won’t be spoiled,” I laughed as I hugged Mike one more time.
“He seems like a good guy. Jordan says he’s excited to have you at the house.”
“You know Jordan; she’ll say anything.”
“He was a Navy Seal, very decorated. And his job is protecting people now. So at the very least, you will know that you are always safe. Take that for what it is and use your time to get better.”
That was very true. I remembered Jordan saying that Nate was a private security guard for important people. He must be good at it if senators and billionaires hired him. It was a positive aspect of going to stay with him for sure. Although his lack of manners might be hard to deal with. I had just shown him how weak I could be, yet he didn’t even wait for me and walk with me to the car.
“Thanks for everything, Mike. I’ll never forget your kindness and help.”
“Remember, you’re stronger than you think you are. Keep taking one step at a time and you’ll be back to yourself in no time.”
I didn’t believe a word he said to me. Sometimes it didn’t feel like I was even moving forward at all over the last few months. Sure, I was taking it one step at a time, but I was then taking two steps backwards also. For the moment, I couldn’t wait to crawl into bed and just sleep for a few days. I didn’t want to go to group sessions, or individual sessions. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings or write down my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep. And maybe eat a hamburger. The healthy food they had at Sandy Meadows was going to be the death of me for sure; I couldn’t wait to get a nice, thick burger in my stomach.
“Thanks for waiting for me,” I said under my breath as I opened the car door and climbed into the Jeep Wrangler.
I could tell he heard me, but Nate didn’t respond. He kept looking forward and just pulled out of the parking lot and toward his house. Jordan had told me he was going to come up for a visit before it was time to leave, but he hadn’t done that. I didn’t really blame h
im though; Sandy Meadows was a long drive from his house and probably not high on his list of things to do during the week.
“Jordan says you work as a private security guard,” I said as I tried to make small talk about twenty minutes into the drive.
“Yep.”
Then the silence filled the Jeep again. I had expected he would say something about his work, maybe tell me a little more about it, or when he was going to head out on another job. But Nate seemed utterly content to drive in silence. I couldn’t blame him for that either, though. I enjoyed the silence, even if it was a little awkward. Silence had been a healing factor in my time at the treatment facility, but it was different when I was alone in a vehicle with someone.
The silence seemed awkward to me, but maybe that was just because I had spent six months around people always telling me to talk. My silent time was in the evening when I had my room to myself and could sit and contemplate everything that had happened and how I could move forward from there. I didn’t mind sitting in silence; it was actually much better than talking. So I just laid my head back into the seat and watched out the window as we made it through the Georgia hills.
We were about an hour into the drive when I realized Nate didn’t even have the music playing, and I loved it. The quiet was so much more calming than having music blaring, and I silently thanked him for keeping the radio off. I looked over and watched him as he drove. His bulging biceps extended as he held onto the steering wheel.
Nate was the type of guy who probably went to the gym every single day. But he had a beard at the moment, so he didn’t look like the typical gym rat and instead looked like some sort of military commando who had been in the woods for too long. His hair was cut short, but his beard had obviously been growing for at least a month.
His blond hair could have easily made him look like a surfer if he let it grow out. But from what I knew about Nate, he was more of a military and woods guy than he was a beach guy. I didn’t actually know all that much about Nate, though. Sure, I knew the basics about his family because of Jordan, but I didn’t know much about what he spent his time doing, except that he protected people.
