by Claire Adams
But instead of acting like an adult, I felt a childish tantrum as it was coming on. I knew whatever was going to come out of my mind wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. Yet I didn’t stop myself. I didn’t even try to curtail my thoughts or words that followed.
“I get it: you guys don’t want a crazy woman coming around your house when you’re getting ready to have a baby,” I yelled as I stood up and pushed my chair to the ground.
The anger that came out of me surprised Jordan and she instantly burst into tears. I’d like to say the anger surprised me, but it hadn’t. I had felt that anger since I arrived at the facility. I wasn’t proud of my outburst, but I surely wasn’t going to apologize for it. I didn’t have that kind of insight just yet.
“Ana, sit down,” Mike said firmly to me. “Your friends are just trying to have a conversation with you.”
“Oh, shut up, Mike. They aren’t trying to have a conversation; if that was the case, Jordan would have come to visit alone. No! She brought Chase because they don’t want me there and instead want me to go to some stranger’s house in the woods so I don’t embarrass anyone!”
“No!” Jordan said firmly. “Nate was the one who pulled you out of Stephano’s. He has asked about you almost every single day. He offered for you to come out there to help in your recovery. He knows trauma and he can help. But you refuse to talk to him or allow him to visit!”
Jordan was angry and I really couldn’t remember ever seeing her angry before. I grabbed my chair and sat down as I looked at her. She was so beautify pregnant and I was really happy for her. She had a man that loved her and took care of her. She had the life she had always dreamed of and I was ruining it by not being able to get over my own issues. I didn’t want to mess up the happy time she was going to have with her new baby all because of my messed up life.
Jordon was sobbing as she looked from Chase to me. The feeling of guilt that started to build because of my outburst was impossible to ignore. I couldn’t be a burden on Jordon when she was getting ready to be a mother. I just couldn’t do that to her. I wasn’t in control of myself and I didn’t like being like that around my best friend.
“I’ll go to the woods,” I said quietly as I looked at Jordan.
Her tears were heartbreaking to me. But I couldn’t deal with them at the moment. I couldn’t feel anything, yet I felt everything in an overwhelming flash, and I certainly wasn’t going to start crying again; I had spent way too much time crying since getting into counseling.
Every day I had at least one point when I ended up crying. It was like emotional exhaustion all the time for me. I couldn’t even imagine a day when I wouldn’t cry at least once in the day.
“I’ll come visit you and you can come to the house anytime. It really is going to be better for you there. It’s quiet and peaceful and you will get better,” Jordan said through her tears.
“Okay,” I said as I got up and started to leave the room. “Have him come get me next Friday. Does that work, Mike?” I asked.
“Yes, that should be fine.”
“Thanks for coming,” I said as I walked out of the room and didn’t give them to opportunity to talk any more.
I didn’t look back and kept walking as far away from the building as I could. I knew Mike would continue to talk with them, probably tell them all the troubles I had been having and how it was so nice for them to come and visit me. But I just couldn’t stay in that room and talk to them any longer.
Inside, I felt like there was a time bomb that was always ticking away and getting ready to explode. I didn’t have a sense of calmness any longer, and I certainly couldn’t have a sense of peace at all. I had wanted to go back with Jordan, because I know her. She really was the only person in America that I really knew. I didn’t know Nathan Foster any more than I knew Chase. Although, I did have one very clear memory of Nate.
Sometimes, in the middle of one of my nightmares, Nate would scoop me up and carry me out of the horror. His arms were strong and safe. I instantly felt comfort from my nightmares when he would show up. But I didn’t actually remember much else about Chase’s brother: only the feeling of his arms around me as he had carried me out of Stephano’s house when they rescued us.
In truth, I knew nothing of the man except what he looked like. Nate was tall, probably well over six feet, and he had blond, messy hair. His arms were large and I remember him looking like a soldier as he carried me to safety. But the thing I remember most was his blue eyes as he looked into mine, and I knew I was protected. The kindness that was in his eyes was something I would never ever forget.
I hid away in the garden area as I watched for Jordan and Chase to finally leave. I was ashamed for making them come all the way out to my treatment facility and then not wanting to talk to them. But I just couldn’t stand to deal with reality for another minute. Instead, I wanted to slink away into the Georgia woods and just forget about life all together. I didn’t know if Nate was going to let me do that, but I hoped he would just leave me alone and let me deal with the demons in my head for a little bit.
Sandy Meadows was a brilliant treatment facility and I really did think my counselors were highly skilled; but I couldn’t wait to find myself again. I was scared to death to leave, yet also wanted to be whole again. It was a constant, internal battle which I was convinced I would never win.
“It’s safe now. You can come out of hiding,” Mike hollered from his office window.
“I’m not hiding!”
“Come inside. Let’s talk about what happened.”
It was weird; I hated Mike and liked him all at the same time. He pushed me farther than I wanted to go, but when I followed his lead, I always felt better in the end. Mike understood that I didn’t want to yell or be rude to people; he understood that I just couldn’t control myself sometimes. But most of all he didn’t scold me when I lost control; he was one hell of a counselor. When I had him around, I could think things through and see more clearly than when I was trying to do it on my own.
“Were they angry with me?” I said as I walked into Mike’s office.
“Do you think they should be angry with you?”
“Yes, they drove all the way out here and I just yelled at them and was rude.”
“They were concerned for you. Not angry. Do you understand the difference?”
“I should call them and apologize,” I said as I finally looked up at Mike.
“I don’t think it’s necessary. They are your friends. They understand. Why not work on getting yourself ready to discharge next week? Are you comfortable with going to stay with Nathan at his cabin?”
It was really weird, but I felt more comfortable with the idea of staying with Nate than I had with Jordan. I couldn’t even remember Nate speaking a single word to me, but I distinctly remembered feeling safe with him. Of course, I was still shaking and a mess at the idea of leaving the treatment facility.
“He rescued me. I think I will feel safe there.”
“You know, Jordan and Chase rescued you too, and Jordan is your best friend; but you didn’t seem to feel safe with them in the room.”
Damn Mike and his psychological nonsense. I couldn’t deny that I had exploded, but I certainly wouldn’t do that with Nate. Or would I? Shit, I really didn’t know at all. I didn’t trust myself a single bit. I had no idea how I would behave around Nate because I hadn’t seen him since the night we all came home on the airplane.
“Well, help me. Get me ready so I don’t explode into a crazy woman when he comes to get me. I do think it will be nice in the woods away from everyone and I don’t want to ruin that.”
Mike just smiled at me. He knew me well enough to understand how to help me, even when I didn’t know how to help myself. I trusted him and our ability to work together to figure out how I could overcome the thoughts that were so constantly running through my brain.
“It’s going to be a long week. But I think we can get you ready to go home.”
Home: th
at was a funny word to me. I really hadn’t had a home in months. For the first time, in a very long time, I looked at my hands and they weren’t shaking. The idea of having a place I could call home was really exciting and something I was willing to work hard for. I wasn’t going to yell at Nate or do anything that would make him regret offering me a place to stay. Whatever I had to do, I was going to have a place I could call home.
Chapter 2
NATE
I wanted to go see Ana. God only knows how badly I wanted to go with Chase and Jordan to see her. But from what Jordan had told me, Ana was still in the midst of some pretty intense post-traumatic stress and she didn’t even know who I was. To Ana, I was nobody. Sure, she knew I was Chase’s brother and she knew I had helped with the rescue of her and the other women. But Ana didn’t know me, and I didn’t want to add to her fears by imposing on her.
Most of my life, I hadn’t worried too much about other people and their feelings, unless I was being paid to keep them safe. In my job, sure, I cared if someone felt unsafe of if they needed me to do something a certain way for them. But I didn’t care like that in real life.
Maybe I hadn’t been around a woman who was right for me before and that was why I hadn’t felt like I needed them to feel safe. But whenever I thought about Ana, I wanted her to feel safe and I wanted her to know that I would do anything in my power to help her have that safe feeling.
I had nightmares about what I envisioned Ana had gone through at the hands of Stephano. I could only hope that my nightmares were worse than what really happened to her, but I had no idea. I didn’t even think that Jordan knew yet what had really happened while Ana was forced to be with Stephano.
Plus, I have always had a tendency to be a giant ass. It was part of my nature, and as much as I tried to calm my ass down and behave myself, I always went back to my old ways. It had taken me months to learn to watch my mouth around Jordan. My natural tendency was to let a beautiful woman know just how much she turned me on. It was a cockiness that I fell back on whenever I met women. They liked it. I had spent many nights with women after openly saying what was on my mind. But I couldn’t be like that around Ana; I knew this and it scared the crap out of me. My sarcasm and forwardness were just part of me—a part that I couldn’t show around someone as delicate as Ana.
It was hard to get back to my normal life after everything that had gone down while rescuing Ana, which was really unusual for me. Being a Navy Seal, I had learned to control my emotions and stay focused. Ana had totally thrown off my focus. I couldn’t stop worrying about her, thinking about her, wondering if I should reach out to her. But I wasn’t confident that I could keep my mouth under control around her just yet. Jordan told me Ana didn’t remember much about her rescue and I knew I had to try and stop thinking about her. Ana hadn’t felt that chemistry like I had.
“Nate, you’re starting to look like a lumberjack,” Chase said as he walked up the steps to my cabin.
“No need to look like a normal person out here. No one to impress.”
“Well, we just talked to Ana, and she’s on board with coming to stay with you when she leaves. You should clean up,” Jordan said.
“What? I thought you said she didn’t remember me?”
“I think she does a little. Anyways, she agreed it was the best place for her. Your place is secluded and quiet. Just give her a room and make sure there is food here. She just needs some time to relax. You can take jobs and travel; she’ll be fine here.”
“How is she doing?” I asked, full of trepidation.
I wanted to just wave my hands over Ana and make everything she had been through disappear for her. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through and I didn’t want to have to imagine it. I just wanted her to feel better.
“She’s doing really well,” Jordan responded as she looked at Chase.
It was a tell-tell sign that she was lying. Every time I called and asked how Ana was doing, or we talked about her, the answer was always the same. I didn’t know if they were just trying to keep the truth from me or if she really was doing well, but I did know that Jordan was keeping something from me at that moment.
Part of my military training involved facial expression recognition. It was fascinating to learn how the micro expressions of our face can give away absolutely everything. You can tell when someone likes you, if they are attracted to you, if they are lying—all through the way their face reacts, before their conscious mind tells them how to react.
I had used my skills at clubs to pick up women for many years, but they were valuable in other areas for sure. Many of the skills I learned in the military were valuable in other areas of my life. My physical fitness that had been required of me in the military was also what kept me sane during my down time. I loved working out in the gym I’d built for myself in a shed in my back yard. My ability to deal with alone time in a positive way was also something I gained in the military. I had so little alone time during those years that I cherished it even more when I finally got it.
But I hated being lied to. Especially since I was going to have Ana at my house. I needed to know what the heck was going on with her or I wasn’t going to be any use to her at all. I hated going into situations blind and wanted to avoid that as much as possible. I preferred going into a situation with my eyes open to what exactly I was in for. I didn’t care what the reality was, only that I knew the truth and could prepare for it.
It was the same with my current contracting job. Sure, we were often sent to jobs without proper intelligence information and without proper equipment, but if I knew that was going to be the case ahead of time, then I was prepared to deal with that right when we arrived. Being knowledgeable about a situation was much more important to me than having everything be perfect. Perfection had always been a myth to me.
“Jordan, if Ana is going to come here, I need to know the truth. How is she doing?”
There was a long, awkward silence as I looked from Chase to Jordan and back to Chase again. He knew I didn’t like important information being left out and I knew he could see that I wasn’t happy with what was going on right at that moment.
“Man, she isn’t doing well,” Chase admitted.
“Chase!”
“What? She’s jumpy and shaking all the time. She yells at you for no reason and then hugs you so hard I don’t think she will ever let you go. We have to be honest with him, Jordan. She’s not doing well. I see where Nate’s coming from and I want him to have all of the information before he makes his decision on if she should come stay with him.”
“Don’t listen to him, Nate. She’s doing better and better each time we are there. She let us visit with her this time and she just going to need some time. Ana made it through the hard part. The detox is over and she just has to deal with the mental aftermath of everything. That’s why here will be so good for her.”
“I don’t know. I’m not really the lovey-dovey type. I’m used to going out to the bars and picking up women. I can’t have her sitting around the house when I come home and ruining my game with the ladies. Is she going to need twenty-four hour supervision?”
The way Jordan and Chase were talking, it sounded like Ana was much sicker than I thought she would be. But it was a total lie when I said I was going out to the clubs. I used to go around picking up women, but not anymore. I hadn’t felt like heading into town and going on the prowl for months. Renovations around my cabin had been consuming my time and I hadn’t had any contracting jobs that I felt compelled to accept. Not enough money, bad location, crew I didn’t want to work with: there were plenty of reasons that I had refused jobs. Luckily I had the financial stability to do what I liked when it came to my work. Sure, if I was ever going to start my own protection business, I was going to have to get back in the game, but not just yet. I wasn’t interested.
“Well, we already told her she could come here. So maybe you should go visit her and discuss things,” Jordan said with her sweet smile. “I think
you two will get along great. I saw that chemistry between you guys when we flew home to Atlanta.”
What Jordan didn’t understand was that in those initial hours after the event with Stephano, Ana was still in shock. Sure, we talked a little and I felt chemistry between us, but Ana was just trying to survive minute by minute at that point in her life.
I knew exactly what Chase saw in Jordan, though. Jordan was brilliant and ravishingly beautiful; but if that wasn’t enough, she was also extremely caring toward others. I already loved her like a sister and couldn’t imagine Chase not having her in his life. She really had helped turn him around and practically saved our family business. Chase had been a rebel who wasn’t interested in running the family business and our father was about to give it to some shmuck who worked for him. Luckily, that didn’t happen, and Chase and Jordan had the company running stronger than it ever had.
“I’ll try to make some time to go see her.”
“Make some time? Nate, you’re not working and have enough time to grow out your beard as if you’re in some old western. Get up there and talk to her before she comes to stay with you. It will put you both at ease.”
“Since when did you become the big brother around here?” I asked him with a stern look.
“I don’t know, but I blame Jordan for this new, responsible side.”
Chase and I both laughed at how the roles in our brotherly relationship had twisted and turned over the years. Chase had been the troublemaker, the one that no one ever thought would stop partying, and I had been the responsible brother. Joining the Navy Seals with Jackson, taking on high risk jobs as a contractor afterwards were all part of my taking on responsibility in life. But as I sat there looking at Chase, I felt like he had his life together and I was floundering to figure out where I fit.
“I’m really not the babysitting type. Chase can tell you. Did you tell Jordan what happened when I was supposed to babysit you as a kid?”
