She's Mine

by A A Chaudhuri

  Ella’s eyes are spilling over with tears, and I feel my own moisten because I know she is right.

  I edge closer, try to take her hand in mine, but she backs away. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,’ I say. ‘I should have been, but I failed you. I know it’s no excuse, but I couldn’t bear to feel the same pain I felt after losing Heidi should something bad have happened to you or Daniel. Didn’t feel I’d be able to survive. It was easier to switch my feelings off.’

  Ella gives me a look as if to say, That’s the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard, and she’s entirely within her rights to do so.

  I go on. ‘But it wasn’t just about losing Heidi; there was something else, something I was so ashamed of – it caused me to shut myself off from everyone, made me feel like I wasn’t fit to be a mother. Didn’t deserve to be one.’

  ‘You mean your affair with a married man?’

  I already knew from Daniel that Greg told Ella about my affair, but now I realize she already knew from someone else. Dr Cousins, aka Robyn.

  ‘Robyn told you about that, I assume?’ I say.

  Ella frowns, looks uncomfortable, as if she’s hiding something. ‘No, Dad did,’ she says defensively. ‘Didn’t Dan tell you? Why would you think it was Robyn?’

  I stare at her long and hard. ‘Don’t lie to me, Ella.’

  She bites her lip, shrugs her shoulders, says, ‘OK. You might as well know, I suppose. Robyn’s mum was married to the arsehole you had an affair with. Robyn came here seeking revenge against you. Initially, she wanted to use me to get to you, but then we fell in love and I forgave her. She realized how much you hurt me, and that I wanted you to suffer as much as her mum had suffered. Jesus, Mum, the woman lost a child like you did; how could you have done that to her?’

  I don’t move, my head still trying to make sense of this latest bombshell. What she says isn’t true, so why would Robyn tell her this? And then, a horrifying thought hits me. ‘Did you send that note, Ella? Did you send Dad that email?’

  Guilt swathes her face. ‘Yes.’

  ‘So Heidi’s not alive?’

  ‘Fuck knows.’ She shrugs her shoulders again. ‘We just did it to mess with you.’

  ‘And the dress?’

  ‘Fake.’

  All this time I’ve been living in hope that Heidi might still be alive, when it was just a hoax. I can’t hold back. I slap my daughter hard and she doubles back in shock, her eyes wide with horror as she presses her hand to her cheek. My own hand stings, but it’s nothing compared to the pain shooting through my chest.

  ‘The postmark for the note was somewhere up North. Who helped you? Is it someone we know? Someone close to us?’ This is her time to own up to Miranda’s involvement.

  Ella’s a bright girl. She twigs immediately.

  ‘Are you serious, Mum? You think Miranda put me up to this?’

  ‘It’s not an unreasonable question to ask.’

  ‘She didn’t, OK.’

  ‘So why was it postmarked Sunderland?’

  ‘Well, I had to make it look authentic, didn’t I? Also, it was safer for me to send it from up there. No chance of it being traced back to me. Used gloves, of course. And by the way, the email was encrypted. I sent it from some random internet cafe, using a temporary address which is now defunct.’

  I’m flabbergasted by the lengths my daughter has gone to, to cause me pain.

  ‘And what about the photos?’

  Still clutching her cheek, Ella looks puzzled. Genuinely puzzled. ‘What photos?’

  ‘The photos of me and my lover. The ones you left on my bed.’

  ‘I didn’t leave any photos on your bed. Really, I didn’t.’

  She appears to be telling the truth, but I’m confused, because it can’t have been Robyn, because I was with her, aka Dr Cousins, in her office when the photos would have been left. Which only leaves one other possibility.

  ‘Ella, do you know what Robyn’s mother’s name is? What she looks like?’

  ‘Cynthia. And yes, I’ve seen a photo, but she lives abroad. She’s a decent sort. Forgave her husband for shagging you, gave him another chance when he promised to end things with you.’

  A sickening realization is progressively dawning on me, and I feel decidedly unwell. I don’t want it to be true, but it’s the only explanation I can think of. And now, it’s time to tell Ella who Robyn is.

  ‘Sit down, Ella.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Do it.’

  She does as I ask, and I bring up the image of her and Robyn again, and point to her girlfriend. ‘This is my psychiatrist, Dr Freya Cousins, your brother’s ex-fiancée.’

  My voice is measured, my expression deadpan, but she looks at me and bursts into hysterical laughter. ‘Have you gone mad? What the fuck are you saying?’

  ‘I’m saying you’ve been used. This is Dr Freya Cousins. Or at least, that’s what she calls herself to me and your brother.’

  Ella’s face is suddenly white. ‘Stop it, you evil bitch. Stop telling lies. What are you, sick?’

  ‘No, but I think this woman is.’

  She gets up, starts pacing the room. ‘No, it can’t be true. Janine introduced you to Dr Cousins, didn’t she? She was her psychiatrist first, wasn’t she?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say faintly. ‘She was.’

  Ella stops pacing, looks me straight in the eye. ‘So she must be a real shrink and you must be mistaken. Maybe they look alike?’

  ‘I’m not mistaken, this is her – ask Daniel.’

  As Ella continues to stare at me, aghast, my phone rings. It’s Greg. Probably following up his earlier call and text. I realize it must be urgent.

  ‘Greg?’

  From the corner of my eye, I notice that Ella is shaking. I want to comfort her, but for now I listen to Greg.

  ‘Chrissy, why haven’t you texted me back? Didn’t you read my message?’

  ‘No, I’ve been too caught up with something. I’m with Ella. Something bad’s going on, Greg, and I don’t think Dr Cousins can be trusted.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You do?’ I can’t think how he can, but he’s obviously about to tell me.

  ‘Yes. Chrissy, I can’t bear to tell you this, but Dr Cousins is the woman I’ve been having an affair with.’

  Chapter Seventy

  Daniel

  Now

  Bastard. Bitch.

  I want to kill you both. No wonder he didn’t show up that day I brought you round for lunch, Freya. But then again, when I think about his reaction to your photo, it really seemed like he didn’t realize he’d been screwing my fiancée. Could have all been an act, of course. Jesus, I don’t know what to think.

  I’m so confused, so fucking miserable. My dad’s dick has been inside you, and I feel like I want to die. I wonder, did you know? Did you know I was his son? Can it be chance? Are you just some slut who likes to shag around and happened to be shagging a father and son without knowing it? Even this – the best-case scenario – doesn’t make me feel any better. Or – worst case – is it part of some sick psychological experiment you’re conducting at our expense? I know Janine introduced you to Mum, but I wonder if she knows you’re a worthless whore. I dial your number again but get nothing.

  Then I try calling Mum and Ella, but they’re not picking up either. Everyone’s abandoned me, and I feel like I’m at breaking point.

  I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to find Dad, and when I do, I’m going to smash his face in. But not yet. Right now, I need to stop feeling this pain. Just for a bit at least.

  I go to my bedroom and find the special batch I keep for emergencies. I’ve not got high in ages, you got me off that stuff, you were my high. But now that I know it was all a lie, I can’t stop myself.

  I prepare my fix like an old pro, only a bit more than the usual amount, but I don’t care, I need it, and as I plunge the needle into my vein, all the pain, all the hurt you’ve inflicted on me swiftly dissolves. And I get the most div
ine sense of relief as I leave this world and the unceasing misery it has caused me.

  Chapter Seventy-One

  Christine

  Now

  This cannot be happening. This nightmare I am living cannot possibly have got worse. It just can’t.

  ‘Chrissy, are you there?’ I vaguely hear Greg’s voice on the line.

  I remain rooted to the spot, my ears plugged with cotton wool.

  And then I hear Ella saying, ‘Mum, what’s wrong, tell me, what’s Dad saying?’

  It’s the ultimate humiliation. All this time I’ve been laying myself bare before Dr Cousins she was tricking me, laughing at me behind my back. Seducing my husband, son and daughter with sex, seducing me into confessing my sins. But why? Who is she? Why does she have a problem with me?

  ‘Chrissy!’ Greg repeats.

  ‘Greg, I’m with Ella. She knows Dr Cousins too. Or rather, she knows her as Robyn.’ I glance at Ella, who looks pale.

  ‘What?’ Greg says weakly. ‘How does she know her?’

  ‘They’ve been seeing one another.’

  Silence. I picture Greg trying to digest this information. Not just the fact that this woman has got her claws into our daughter too, but that Ella is gay.

  ‘She’s been seeing a woman?’ Greg says. ‘Ella’s a lesbian?’

  I glance over at Ella, who’s watching me intently, then put Greg on speaker for her benefit.

  ‘I… I’m not entirely sure. You’re on speaker now.’ I glance at Ella. ‘But whoever this woman is – whatever her real name is – she seems to have cast a spell over Ella, the same way she’s cast a spell over the rest of us.’

  Ella shakes her head. She’s in denial, doesn’t want to believe it, the fact that she’s been used the way we all have.

  ‘Why, what the hell has she got against us?’ Greg asks, his voice full of fury.

  ‘I’m not sure. She told Ella that her father had an affair with me, and that our affair broke her mother’s heart, and she wanted to get her revenge against me. But I swear I didn’t know Dr Cousins’ father, Greg. He wasn’t my lover, that was someone else. Even worse, she made Ella send you that email, and me the note and the dress, a very convincing fake apparently. Even the police judged it to be authentic. But she didn’t send me the photos.’

  ‘What photos?’

  I realize I haven’t told Greg about the photos left on our bed, so I fill him in, including the fact that they’ve gone missing, and that DI Phillips thinks I’m delusional.

  ‘So someone’s been in the house? Do you think it was her?’

  ‘It can’t have been, because I was with her at the time. At first I thought Miranda might be involved, but now I’m pretty certain she’s not.’

  ‘I also had my suspicions, but not any more. Miranda’s doing some digging for me.’ Greg pauses, then says, ‘So, someone else is helping her. Ella, you have a key. Did you leave them? Be honest.’

  ‘No, Dad, I know nothing about any photos,’ Ella insists. She still looks pale, shell-shocked by what’s happened. It’s understandable; we all are. Just like Daniel, she’s besotted with this woman and she must feel devastated by her betrayal.

  ‘Are you sure there were no other men, Chrissy?’ I can hear the doubt in Greg’s voice, and it’s no surprise. After all, I hid my affair from him all these years. But it’s the truth, and I need him to believe me.

  ‘Yes, Greg, I swear I only ever cheated on you with one man. I really have no idea who this woman’s father is, but clearly she’s got the wrong end of the stick.’ I pause, then ask, ‘Does Daniel know you’ve been seeing his fiancée?’

  ‘What?!’ Ella exclaims, placing her hand over her mouth. I realize she didn’t hear the first part of my conversation with Greg before I put him on speaker, and I watch her double back in shock, nearly falling onto the staircase, but somehow managing to steady herself on the bottom stair.

  ‘Ella, Christ, I’m sorry; take her off speaker, Chrissy.’

  ‘She has to hear this, Greg. She needs to know what kind of person we’re dealing with.’

  I hear Greg sigh. ‘OK. Ella, the woman I told you I was seeing is Robyn, although she told me her name was Amber. I had no idea until I asked Daniel to show me a photo of Freya. She lied to us all.’

  ‘What are you implying?’ Ella says. ‘That she’s some kind of sociopath?’ Tears flood her eyes.

  ‘I don’t know, Ella,’ Greg replies, ‘but she’s clearly not well.’

  ‘But why hurt you, me and Dan? She seemed certain that Mum had an affair with her dad. But why hurt us?’

  Ella looks at me with desperate eyes. Desperate to believe her girlfriend is innocent, that there’s a simple, rational explanation behind it all. All I can think is that by hurting them, she was hurting me.

  I am hurt, in so many ways. Including by Ella’s cruel deception, by the fact that she deliberately led Greg and me to believe that Heidi might still be alive.

  ‘How could you, Ella?’ I can’t stop myself from saying. ‘How could you give me and your father false hope? How could you?’

  My eyes are heavy with tears as I think of the rekindled hope that filled my heart. The chance of discovering, after all these years, that Heidi is alive and well, the chance of being reunited with her. But it was all just a cruel prank, in which my other daughter played a key role.

  ‘How could I? How could I?’ she mimics, her face like thunder. ‘Have I still not got it through your thick skull? Well, allow me to elaborate. Because you were a shitty mother. How I would have killed for you to give me one tenth of the affection you still poured Heidi’s way. How do you think Dan and I felt seeing you pine for her day after day, year after year? We were here, alive and well. But it was like we didn’t exist. It made us feel worthless, unwanted, a burden on your time. And later, when I was growing up, going through all kinds of changes, I needed you more than ever. But you didn’t want to know when I got picked on at school, you told me to grow a spine, get tough, because you have to be tough to survive in this world.’

  ‘She’s right, Chrissy,’ Greg says unhelpfully. Although, who am I to judge? ‘I’m sorry, Ells.’ I can hear the choke in his voice. ‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t around more.’

  Ella is literally bawling now. And before long, I am too. I always knew I’d been a terrible mother, but somehow, I’d pushed the thought to the back of my mind, swallowed my shame, my guilt, because neither Ella nor Daniel had ever confronted me about it, the way Ella just did. But now it’s out in the open, now she’s bared her soul, I realize just how badly I’ve let her down. If I’d been there for her, she would probably have turned out very different. We could have been so close, but instead she hates me, and I hardly know my own daughter. I have made her hard and vicious. And vengeful. And now I understand why she wanted to hurt me. Reasons which Dr Cousins took advantage of. Ella may act tough, but she’s vulnerable inside and desperate for love, and Dr Cousins manipulated that to get what she wanted.

  But why, I ask myself again? What could I have possibly done to harm her when I know I didn’t sleep with her father? And why did Janine…

  Again, the unthinkable occurs to me, and it’s like being hit by a bullet. But I don’t say anything to Greg or Ella yet, in case I’m wrong. I desperately want to be wrong, because the truth is too hideous to contemplate, but it’s the only thing that makes sense. The only explanation for what’s happening to us all.

  For now, I put it to one side and ask Greg again if Daniel knows.

  ‘Christ, no.’ His voice is frail, and I can detect gentle sobbing. Like me, he’s telling himself he’s being punished for his infidelity. But unlike me, he is not at fault. I pushed Greg away, I drove him into her arms. I – and only I – am to blame.

  ‘I couldn’t even look him in the eye when I realized who she was,’ he carries on. ‘But I’m pretty sure he suspects something’s wrong because of my reaction.’

  ‘He does,’ Ella says. ‘He sent me a text, saying as much.’


  ‘Shit,’ Greg sighs. ‘But how the hell can I tell him I’ve been sleeping with his girlfriend, Chrissy? If he finds out, I’m not sure he’ll ever recover. I think it could tip him over the edge.’

  He’s referring to Daniel’s drug habit, of course, which once caused him to end up in A&E. He seemed to have put all that behind him with Freya. In fact, when he came round for lunch, I couldn’t ever remember seeing him looking so well. I was so thankful to her for saving him. He’d finally found a woman he loved and trusted. But now, just like me, she’s let him down. Her ending things hit him badly enough, but like Greg, I can’t see how he’d ever recover from learning the truth about his father’s relationship with her.

  ‘Greg, where are you?’

  ‘On my way to Janine’s.’

  I freeze. ‘Janine’s? Why?’

  Ella and I lock eyes. She doesn’t know what I’m thinking. I take Greg off speaker. ‘Greg, go back home. Don’t go to Janine’s.’

  ‘What? Why?’ Greg proceeds to tell me about the mirrors in Deco’s. And once again, the unthinkable is suddenly looking more plausible. ‘Assuming I’m right and Janine saw her face,’ he continues, ‘why didn’t she tell you that Amber was Dr Cousins? That’s odd, don’t you think, and warrants an explanation?’

  ‘Yes, I agree. But I’m the one who should confront her, not you. She’s my best friend, not yours. So it has to be me, do you hear me, Greg?’

  After a brief silence, I receive a grudging, ‘Yes, OK. But let me know what she’s got to say for herself as soon as you can.’

  ‘OK, I will.’

  ‘Promise.’

  ‘I promise. Now go home and wait for my call.’

  ‘Be careful.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I will.’ I don’t give him the chance to say anything more and hang up.

  I glance over at Ella, who doesn’t look well. I go to her, kneel and place my hand on hers. I expect her to yank it away but to my surprise she doesn’t, and I take comfort from this. I put my face up to hers, kiss her forehead and whisper, ‘I’m so sorry, Ella.’ Then again try to rationalise my behaviour even though I know in my heart there is no excuse.