I ask her this very question, whereupon you give me a puzzled look, then turn to Janine, hoping for an explanation.
‘What did you mean by that?’ I repeat.
Without saying a word, Janine leaves the room. You and I exchange looks, wondering what we’re in for now. And then, as we hear her call out, ‘Darling, it’s time, you can come down now,’ we realize we’re about to see our daughter for the first time since she disappeared from our lives all those years ago.
Chapter Eighty
Heidi
Now
Ever since Janine, my adoptive mother, told me the truth, I’ve found myself fascinated by the human mind. Our brains are incredibly complex, but what’s always intrigued me is the way our social and cultural settings can profoundly affect the way we think, behave and live our lives. For example, my life would have been quite different if you hadn’t abandoned me that day, Christine. I would have been raised by different parents, in a different house, in a different country, mixing with different people, going to a different school and so on. Although I was born with certain traits, I know from my reading that nurture has played a crucial role in the way I think and behave, and the same goes for my half-siblings. Your lack of love and attention has scarred them for life. Both have trust and commitment issues, both have mean, selfish streaks, even though Ella can’t see that and always thinks she’s the one who’s hard done by, more selfless than Daniel. But that’s just her head telling her that; her own conceitedness. She doesn’t see what the rest of us see, even though she willingly helped me harass you by sending the note and the email. And the dress, of course. Which, incidentally, was my original dress (I fucked up a bit there, I’ll admit it, when I referred to the stain before you mentioned it), but she didn’t know that, of course.
Ella has your genes. She is self-centred, twisted and a liar, and just as fucked up as our brother, Daniel. The truth is, above all else, we human beings are needy. We crave love and attention, praise and respect. They got none of those from you. But they got them from me. I made them feel wanted, special, adored, just as I made Greg feel wanted, special, adored.
I have no regrets in helping Janine (whom I consider to be my real mother) with her plan because you never wanted me (despite what you might claim when you are lying on my couch) and because you nearly destroyed the woman – your supposed best friend – who did want to be a mother to me. Our intention was always to turn Greg and your children against you for good. And it’s worked as far as I can tell. We’ve exposed your lies, and they’ll be turning their backs on you forever. You are finished. You are dead to them, as you are dead to me.
I know that makes me as messed up in the head as Ella and Daniel, because – let’s face it – who in their right mind agrees to sleep with their own siblings? But I don’t care. I have no emotional attachment to them, and I was prepared to do whatever it took to destroy you. After all, it’s not as if I slept with my father, which would be far worse. I’m not Greg’s child. I’m Nate’s, which only makes Daniel and Ella my half-brother and sister. Greg is nothing to me, nothing at all. Just a desperate, middle-aged man more than twice my age, who was flattered by my attention.
You’ve had so many chances to confess to my mother – even recently, when you finally told her you had an affair but not who your lover was – but time after time you looked her in the eye knowing you had betrayed her and said nothing. And you were even too gutless to tell me who he was when I was being Dr Cousins.
You are a coward, and I am ashamed to have your blood running through my veins.
I’m not a real psychiatrist (I couldn’t possibly be at the age of twenty-five despite you and Dan believing me to be older) although I do have a degree in psychology, and have worked on and off as a school counsellor at a British international school in Hong Kong. The website we set up for Dr Freya Cousins, the degree on my wall, the business cards, are all fake. As were the framed photos of my ‘family’ and me on my desk. Photoshopped snaps of me with random people plucked off the internet. I have to say, I quite enjoyed playing different roles. It helps that I’ve always been on the mature side, capable of looking and acting older than I am. Sometimes I almost believed I was those characters, I got so into them and the stories that came with them; like the one you and Dan fell for about Freya’s mother dying of cancer, and Ella naively believing poor Robyn had not only lost a sibling in tragic circumstances but also been dumped by her dickhead boyfriend. And, of course, the photo I showed her of Robyn’s mother was of some woman I pulled off the web. It was a challenge I thrived on, and at times highly risky, like when I came round for lunch that Sunday with Daniel. Naturally, I checked that morning with Greg that he wouldn’t be able to make it, but it was still a risk, because there was always a chance he’d show up, and that would have put paid to our plan before it had reached its zenith.
I also enjoyed playing that irritant Miranda for a fool. Of course, we didn’t need to use Miranda. Janine could just as easily have recommended me to you without bringing her into the equation. But that wouldn’t have been as much fun. And it also meant you were less likely to suspect our previous connection. Janine has never liked Miranda, and she enjoyed toying with her. It added to the fun stirring trouble between you, making you wonder if her intentions had been honourable. Even more gratifying is that Miranda will be mortified with herself for bringing ‘Dr Cousins’ into your lives once she knows the truth and the damage it’s caused your family. And knowing this gave Janine added satisfaction, considering what a contemptible hanger-on Miranda’s been towards you and Greg all these years. She deserved to be disgraced. I won’t lie, though, it was quite nerve-racking at the time, deliberately running my car into hers. I mean, what if she’d refused to go private? That would have made life tricky. But thankfully she fell for it hook, line and sinker, just like the rest of you.
But best of all, I enjoyed fooling you. Because you were always the target.
You trusted Janine (just as she had trusted you), and you took the bait. The medication I gave you was real, though. It was my medication, actually. Lithium. Commonly used for the treatment of bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder, both of which I suffer from because of you. Although, if you take too strong a dose – which is what I gave you – it can have some very unpleasant side effects, especially when taken with alcohol, as you found out only too well.
* * *
I’ve been hiding at the top of the stairs, listening to all that’s been said, first when it was just Greg and Mother and, more recently, between the three of you.
But now it’s time to make my grand entrance. Mother’s just called for me to come down and show myself, and as I descend the stairs my heart pumps with adrenaline, knowing that I’m about to give you the biggest shock of your life. Greg, too, although I won’t allow him to think he’s committed incest for too long. That would be too cruel, and he doesn’t deserve that. Not like you.
Calmly, I approach the living room, gently push the door open and walk in.
All eyes are on me. Yours and Greg’s are wide with shock, while my mother’s are gleaming with triumph.
But I hold my gaze on you and you alone, and say, ‘Hello, Mother.’
Chapter Eighty-One
Christine
Now
My chest feels so tight, I can scarcely breathe, and it’s as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room.
It can’t be true, it can’t. They’re just messing with me again – they have to be. I try to stay calm and think rationally, tell myself this is all part of the same malicious game Dr Cousins and Janine have been playing with Greg, Ella, Daniel and me for the past six months.
‘You’re lying,’ I say, searching Dr Cousins’ face (noticing that her eyes aren’t electric blue any more, they’re brown), then Janine’s, willing them both to say, ‘Yes, OK, we’re lying, but we had you fooled there, didn’t we, ha ha.’ But they don’t.
I glance at Greg, whose face is deathly pale, like he�
��s about to be sick. I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking he’s slept with his own daughter. I should tell him now, the other secret I kept from him. I lied to him before because at that point neither of us had any idea that Dr Cousins and Amber were one and the same person, and I couldn’t bear to hurt him any more. Not when he’d just found out about my affair. That was bad enough. But something stops me from speaking up now. I’m still in disbelief, I guess. Too busy studying Dr Cousins’ face.
How can my own daughter have fooled me all this time? How did I not recognize her? Surely a mother knows her own child, despite the passage of time? Is this yet another failing of mine?
Her expression is steadfast. ‘I am your daughter, Heidi. The daughter you had with your lover, Nate, my mother’s husband, your husband’s friend…’
My eyes flit to Greg, who should of course feel relieved. As should I, knowing that he no longer thinks he’s slept with his own child. But the flip side to this is that I’ve hurt him even more. He’s realized I’ve told him another lie. Led him to believe he was Heidi’s father all this time, when he wasn’t. Led him to mourn someone who wasn’t his own flesh and blood. Heidi is Nate’s, that’s what the DNA sample proved. And that’s how we justified carrying on our affair: we were bound to one another through Heidi. That’s what we told each other.
I look at Freya. Could she really be Heidi?
She is still talking. ‘…the one whose phone call you prioritized over making sure I was safe. The one you fucked at your own wedding, in the same room where you slept with your new husband.’
She is blonde, but back then, Heidi had dark curly hair, darker than Nate’s. She reads my mind, touches her hair, says, ‘Dyed, can’t you tell?’
‘Your eyes,’ I murmur.
‘I wore contact lenses for you and Daniel.’ She looks at Greg. ‘Au naturel for you and Ella, though.’
‘How do I know you’re telling me the truth?’ I say.
She looks at me and grins. If this is my child, she’s been primed to hate me. ‘You know it’s me. You’re my mother, of course you know your own child when you see her.’
I take a step closer, try to reach out and touch her, but she pulls away.
‘Back off, Christine. We may have the same blood running through our veins, but as far as I’m concerned, she’s my real mother.’
She and Janine exchange arrogant smiles, and then Janine speaks. ‘You should be so proud, knowing what a beautiful, smart woman your daughter has turned into. You know, she had a bit of a wobble recently, was finding our project a bit tough going, but I calmed her down, made her believe in herself, the way only a mother can.’
‘How can you say all that? You’ve brainwashed her into hating me, you’ve turned her against me.’
‘No, you did that yourself.’
‘How could Nate have gone along with this? Is that why he killed himself? The guilt ate him up?’ I study Janine’s body language and see no hint of remorse for her husband’s suicide. Her quest for revenge must have driven him to it, but if this bothers her, she shows no sign of it.
‘Who knows?’ she shrugs. ‘Yes, maybe it was the guilt. Guilt for having an affair with you, the reason why I took Heidi in the first place. Deep down, he knew it was all his and your doing. And the lying bastard couldn’t deal with that.’
I see no trace of the woman who once worshipped the ground Nate walked on.
‘Tell me, Janine, did you even shed a tear when he died?’
I watch her closely, but if she did cry, she doesn’t want anyone else to know. Chin up, she says defiantly, ‘To be honest, it was a relief to be rid of him. That way, there was no chance of him interfering with the next stage of my plan.’
‘So taking Heidi, watching me suffer all these years, was just the tip of the iceberg? Tell me, did you always plan to bring her home one day? Once she was grown and brainwashed into hating me enough to want to destroy me and my family forever? Is she even a psychiatrist?’
‘Yes, that was always my plan. Nate knew that, and so did Heidi. And what better time than the year she turned twenty-five? But Heidi understood. I didn’t force her. She wanted the same. Didn’t you, darling?’
‘Yes,’ Heidi says. ‘And no, I’m not a psychiatrist – bit young for that – but I am very interested in the human mind.’ She pauses, then looks at Greg. ‘I knew you’d snoop around in my study if I told you it was out of bounds. That was always the plan, and you were so predictable.’
Greg looks crestfallen, and I shiver at her deception, at what my daughter has become. Although it’s a futile exercise, I have to at least try and make her believe how much I loved her back then. That I’d have done anything to get her back – that if there’d been any indication at all that she was still alive I’d have given my life to have her returned to us safe and sound. I say all this, tell her how much I loved her from the moment she was born, just as I did when I thought she was Dr Cousins. But it makes no difference. Janine has had the advantage of years spent grooming her for this day, while I haven’t set eyes on my child since she was a toddler. I am nothing to her, I realize that now, and nothing I say is going to change that.
‘And you used Miranda to get to us? Why?’
Heidi and Janine share another chilling grin. Then I listen in horror as my daughter explains what I already suspected.
‘You won’t get away with this,’ Greg, who’s been quiet since learning he’s not Heidi’s father, suddenly pipes up. ‘I’m calling the police, Janine. You’re going to prison.’
‘Do what you must. But just hear me out: if you have me arrested, everything will come out in the press. Chrissy’s affair, your affair with Heidi, your children’s incestuous affairs with their half-sibling. It’ll all come out, and think what that will do to Ella and Daniel. They won’t be able to leave the house for shame. Their lives will be destroyed, I’ll make sure of that.’
Greg looks fit to burst. His face is red and taut, and I worry he’s on the verge of having a heart attack. We lock eyes, and I know he hates me, but right now he’s also feeling what I’m feeling. Torn. The last thing we want is to inflict more damage on our children. And not for one second do I doubt Janine’s threat to make their sex lives public.
Just then, at the mention of my other children, I realize I’ve not checked my messages to see if Ella’s OK, and how things went at Daniel’s. I retrieve my phone from my handbag and am shocked to find I have six texts and two voicemails from Ella. I look at Greg and he reads my mind. My hand is shaking as I open the first text.
Dan’s overdosed. I’ve called for an ambulance.
I can’t help myself; I scream, ‘No!’ suddenly seeing stars.
‘What is it, Chrissy?’ I vaguely hear Greg say as he comes rushing over.
I tell him.
‘Jesus Christ, no,’ he cries, glaring at Heidi and Janine who, for the first time, look rattled. ‘Which hospital?’
‘UCH.’
‘I’m going over, now.’
‘Wait!’ I say, going through Ella’s texts. I daren’t listen to her voicemails, I can’t bear to hear my daughter’s tortured voice. ‘I haven’t read her latest text.’
I get to the last one, and this time my knees do cave and I fall to the floor.
‘Chrissy?’ I hear Greg say.
I can barely get the words out. ‘Dan’s in a coma. Ella says the doctors don’t expect him to recover.’
Chapter Eighty-Two
Ella
Now
I sit at your bedside, Dan, holding your hand, but I might as well be holding a plank of wood. It doesn’t reciprocate, just hangs there limply, as unresponsive as the rest of you. Your face is uncharacteristically peaceful, though. As if you’ve already left this world for a far better one.
Mum just told me everything, and I thank God you never learned the truth. She and Dad rushed over here as soon as they read my texts. First, they wanted to know what had happened. I explained how I’d found you unconscious with a syring
e hanging from your arm, and then seen your phone lying on the floor beside you, a photo of Dad and Robyn (I still can’t help calling her that) having sex displayed on the screen. Of course, you didn’t know she was your half-sister, just as I had no idea she was mine. You simply thought that the love of your life was sleeping with our dad – that Dad had betrayed you, let you down, just as Mum had let you down.
And their betrayal has brought you to this point; brought us all to this point.
I want to be strong, but I’m not sure I can live with what I’ve done. I was fucked up before I met Robyn, but stupidly I’d thought she’d gone a long way to fixing me. But I was wrong. So fucking wrong. She tricked me, and I bought into her lies like a lamb to the slaughter. I had sex with my own sister. OK, so she might be my half-sister, but it’s still gross, perverse.
I can’t live with this on my conscience. Life was bad enough before, but this is too much to handle. Mum and Dad have gone to get coffees, but by the time they get back it’ll be too late. I’m drifting off now, I can feel myself leaving my body and never coming back. All the pain and misery will soon be over, and I won’t have to think any more. I’ll see you soon, brother; whether in heaven or in hell remains to be seen.
Chapter Eighty-Three
Christine
Now
I spot you with your head resting on your brother’s chest, Ella, and it touches my soul. I thank God that at this moment of crisis, you are there for him. I know you two haven’t always got on – again, that’s my fault – but when it comes down to it, we’re family, and now, more than ever, we need to help each other through this. Seeing this gesture of affection, I am suddenly filled with hope. Hope that Daniel will emerge from his coma, and I can try and make up for all those lost years.
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