Make My Heart Beat

by Liz King

  I ignore them and walk backstage to grab more cords to hook up Marcus and Wade’s guitars. When I walk back out, Marcus is sitting on the end of the stage talking to Blondie and her friend. He looks over his shoulder then back to the girls. “Nah, leave him alone. He’s not looking for anything right now.”

  “And I’m never gonna look either,” I grunt as I bend down to plug all this stupid shit up. “Marcus, come on, you’re the one that said you needed help, so get your ass up and help.”

  Marcus hops up after telling the girls that he’ll meet them after the set. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

  We move along the stage setting up all the instruments, speakers, amps and microphones. Wade and Seth are still unloading Seth’s drum kit from the back of his truck. God, I really don’t want to be here. I want to drive straight over to Lynae’s apartment and force her to talk to me. I know Gabbi will be here tonight, but I really don’t want to see her. It’s bad enough seeing her at home, but here it will make me relive the nights Lynae would watch us. Sitting off to the side at one of the tables because she didn’t like crowds. Her eyes only focused on me, even though tons of douchebags would be sniffing around her trying to get her attention.

  “Hey, you want to just do the regular set or do you want to perform some of the new stuff you were working on?” Wade asks coming in.

  I’ve been working on a few new songs. But that was before. I don’t think I can sing about loving someone and giving my heart to someone when my own heart is sitting in a pile of rubble. Obviously the look on my face is enough for Wade to figure out what an asinine question that was.

  “Sorry, man. I’m not thinking.” Dropping the drums on the stage, he walks up and grasps my shoulder. “It’s only been a few days. She needs time.”

  I shrug him off and walk off to the side of the stage. I don’t want to talk about this right now. If I do, I know I will leave. She’s had to have gotten my messages by now. She just isn’t answering them. Before I realize where I’m headed, I’m in the same hallway where I got an up close look at Lynae. She took my breath away. The startled look in her eyes, the softness of her skin, her timid demeanor. God, I miss her so fucking much. I can’t do this. I have to get out of here. This is too much.

  I turn around to leave, and I run straight into Seth. “Connor, take a deep breath, man. I know you’re upset. I know you miss her,” he says. “I miss her too.”

  Where the fuck does he get off telling me that he misses her? I don’t give a shit about him missing my sweetness. “Fuck off.”

  “No. You need to get your shit together and get back up there. We are being paid to do a job, and we have to do it. Channel your pain into the music. Give her time,” Seth urges.

  I’m so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me to give her time. I can’t breathe without her. I can’t think. My heart isn’t beating without her. Fuck! I’m about to tell him to go to hell and do the fucking set without me when Rich walks up. Rich is the owner of Metro. He’s an older man, in his late sixties, but he’s cool as shit. Rich was one of the first people to give Shameful Regret a place to play regularly and get our name out.

  “Son, missed you last weekend. Wade told me you had some personal stuff going on. Everything ok?” Rich asks.

  Rich tries to be like a father to all of us. He’s always told us he has an open door policy, and if we ever need something we can come to him. “Not really,” I reply.

  He doesn’t push, but doesn’t call me on it either. “I’m here if you need to talk.” He claps me on the back. “You gonna be okay to go on tonight? Mike said the line is already wrapped around the block. People are amped to see you guys.”

  I can’t let him down. As much as I want to bail, I know I can’t. “Yeah, man. I’ll be fine.”

  ~

  Shameful Regret opens with our usual mix of Hinder and Lifehouse covers and a few of our own songs. When I sing Kaitlin’s song, it seems to take on an entirely different meaning. How I’ve fucked up the two most important girls in my life kills me. “Regret” was about Kaitlin, but now it seems to be resonating with everything I’ve done to Lynae.

  I wish you were still here

  I can’t believe you’re really gone

  My life feels like it is hanging on with every last tear

  I won’t be with you until the end of forever

  I’m so sorry I let you down

  There is nothing that can make me forget

  What I did will always be my shameful regret

  The emptiness inside was once filled by your heart

  I wish I could take all the pain away

  You are the only one that ever got to see that part

  That part that wishes you would stay

  I’m so sorry I let you down

  There is nothing that can make me forget

  What I did will always be my shameful regret

  I don’t deserve your forgiveness, ever

  You were the only one who loved me

  If you could come back

  I’ll love you forever

  I’m so sorry I let you down

  There is nothing that can make me forget

  What I did will always be my shameful regret

  I’m so sorry I let you down

  There is nothing that can make me forget

  What I did will always be my shameful regret

  Losing you will always be my shameful regret

  As I finish “Regret,” I can’t open my eyes. If I do, I know I will lose everything that’s holding me together right now. I have to get out of here. We are supposed to sing two more songs before the end of the set, but I can’t take it. Without a word, I turn and leave the stage. I can’t wait any longer. I have to see her. Soon.

  ~

  Walking down the hall towards the doors of the cardiac lab brings me back to the first time I came up to the hospital to see Lynae. It’s been three weeks since she kicked me out of her hospital room, and she’s still refusing to take my calls. They all go straight to voicemail, except the one time Michelle answered and threatened to cut my dick off and shove it down my throat.

  Gabbi keeps telling me to just give her some time, but I can’t wait anymore. Only getting updates from Gabbi or Wade isn’t cutting it. I need to see her for myself. After singing at Metro last night, I know I have to take a chance and come see her. I have to fight for her.

  Every time I hear Gabbi’s voice in the apartment makes me miss Lynae more and more, as if that were even possible. I remember coming upstairs to the loft after working in the garage to see her and Gabbi laughing and carrying on in the kitchen while she was cooking dinner for my dumb ass friends. Sometimes I wish that Wade would stay at Gabbi’s, instead of her coming over to our place; that way I wouldn’t have their happiness flaunted in my face while I’m miserable, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s my own damn fault. I’m honestly surprised Gabbi is still talking to me. I sometimes think it’s only because of Wade that she tolerates me, but the small sympathetic looks and words of encouragement give me hope. Michelle has basically told me that if I so much as come near their apartment complex again, she will make good on her earlier promise to have my balls.

  The door to the break room starts to open and I hear a sound that has my heart clenching and my breath catching in my throat. My sweetness’ laugh. “Joe, just get my damn cookies, and I’ll maybe think about coming over tonight to teach you how to make lasagna!” Her voice carries through the open door as Joe walks out.

  “You’re coming over and you know it! Even if I have to drag your sweet little ass over there, baby cakes!” Joe calls back over his shoulder then turns around, stopping in his tracks when he sees me. “What do you want?”

  I’ve met him a few times on my visits to see Lynae on her break a few times and when I’d pick her up after work. “I just need to see her.” I shove my hands in my pockets, taking a step closer. “How is she?”

  Joe glares at me. “She’s getting there. Lynae’s a
strong girl. She’s been a bit quieter this week, more than she was before you came along, but she’s getting there. I don’t know what exactly happened, she isn’t talking about it, but I know she’s hurting.”

  It breaks my heart even more to hear that she’s in pain. Of course she’s hurting. I’m a fucking asshole, and I pretty much crushed her heart after she trusted me with it. I look up and down the hall, worried that Michelle may be near, and interrupt my chance at seeing or speaking to Lynae. “Can I go in and see her? Is she alone?”

  Joe gives me a knowing look. “Yeah, it was just us taking our lunch. Michelle is down in the OR helping Travis with a case. Your jewels are safe for now.” He turns to walk down the hall, but looks back over his shoulder. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. If she looks like she’s been crying when I get back, I can’t make any promises that they’ll stay safe for long.”

  I nod my head then push open the door. My heartbeat speeds up at my first glimpse of Lynae. Her back is to me as she is rinsing off a plate in the sink. “Joe, don’t tell me they were out of cookies. If there weren’t any in the cafeteria, just go to the doctor’s lounge…“ Her voice trails off as she visibly shakes. I see her spine become rigid. I haven’t said a word, yet she knows I’m here. The plate clatters in the sink and she grasps the ledge of the counter tightly. “Connor.” My name escapes her lips barely above a whisper.

  Moving cautiously forward, I close some of the distance between us. The sight of her, her scent washing over me, has my hands itching to reach out and feel her in my arms again. “God, sweetness. I’ve missed you so much.” I keep stepping forward until I’m standing right behind her. I’m only a foot away, and I can hear her breaths coming in quick pants.

  Lynae turns around, leaning against the counter, but keeps her head down. “What are you doing here, Connor?”

  I hold my hand up to lift her chin, but she pulls away, turning her face to the side, refusing to look me in the eyes. “Please look at me.” I bend my knees, bringing us face to face. The pain I see reflected at me when our eyes collide rips at my chest. Tears are pooling in her eyes. “I love you, baby. Please talk to me. Say something. Anything.”

  Lynae’s bottom lip trembles. “What do you want me to say?”

  I know what I want her to say. I want her to say that she loves me and that we can go back to the way things were. “Say whatever you need to say to me. Just talk to me.” I reach out again to trace her bottom lip with my thumb and cup her cheek. This time she doesn’t pull away, she closes her eyes and lets me hold her face. “Please.”

  “I can’t do this, Connor. I just can’t.” Her voice cracks.

  “Can’t do what? Can’t love me? Please, you have to forgive me. I am so sorry for hurting you.”

  Lynae grabs my wrist in her tiny fingers and pulls my hand away from her face. She tries to push me away, then places her palms flat against her stomach. This makes me think of our baby growing inside her. I fall to my knees, reach out and wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her to me, and bury my face against her belly.

  “Connor!” she gasps.

  “Please, Lynae. I’m begging you. I need you. Please tell me that you still love me.” I can feel tears pricking my own eyes. My throat feels like it may close up from the gut wrenching pain bulldozing through me.

  Lynae’s hands find their way into my hair. She doesn’t push me away; she lightly runs her fingers through my unruly hair. This small sign of affection gives me hope. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Connor. It’s just—“

  “Just what? Sweetness, I will never forgive myself for what happened. I can’t even begin to imagine how much you must hate me, but I’m asking you to please give me another chance,” I beg, staring into her eyes, so full of pain.

  “I don’t hate you. I wish I could, but I can’t. I still love you, and that’s what makes this so hard.”

  I feel tears land on my cheeks as they start to pour out of her. Lynae doesn’t hate me, but she wishes she could. She still loves me. She said she still loves me. I have to hold on to that. “It doesn’t have to be hard. I will make it up to you. I promise.”

  Lynae tries to step out of my hold. I tighten my arms around her waist, preventing her from leaving. “Let me go, Connor. I told you I can’t do this.”

  “No! You love me. You said you do. We can make this work.”

  “I know what I said. Yes, I still love you. And it fucking hurts so bad! I can’t make the pain go away!” She’s grasping and clawing at her shirt like she can physically pull the ache out of her chest. She jerks away from me again, and this time I let her go. Lynae is gasping for breath as she runs past me and out of the break room, leaving me on my knees, desperate.

  Chapter Eight

  Lynae

  Air. I need air. I still can’t breathe. I haven’t been able to breathe since before Connor walked into the break room. I ran right into Carmen as soon as I took off from Connor’s arms. One look at my tearstained face and she told me to go ahead and head home. She knew as well as I did that I wouldn’t be any use to my coworkers or patients. Michelle texted me after she got out of the OR, asking if I needed her to come home, but I told her I was fine. I need to be alone right now. After driving home to change into my running gear, I find myself wandering around Waterfront Park after walking for an hour. I don’t know how long I’ve been wandering around after my walk, but the sun is starting to set.

  Damn Connor for coming up there today! My first week back to work, when I actually felt like joining the land of the living again, and he has to wreck my world. Michelle and Gabbi have been trying to keep me occupied, and Sly had to go back to Alabama. He applied to a few firehouses in Charleston and is planning on moving out here permanently, but he couldn’t take any more vacation time.

  Connor looked like he hadn’t slept in the three weeks since I last saw him. Lord knows he has been calling and texting me all hours of the day and night. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried coming to the apartment, but after the fight he and Sly had, I am guessing he knew he wouldn’t be making it very far past the parking lot. My heart ached at just the sight of him. My body instantly knew he was behind me before I even turned around. When he fell down to his knees in front of me, I almost lost my willpower. I love him so much, but it’s tearing my heart apart.

  The warm breeze is blowing through my hair, but I still can’t seem to take a full breath. I walk down to the end of the pier and lean over the railing, looking out at the water. There aren’t many people out and about this afternoon, and I’m glad for the solitude. How did my life get to this point? I don’t even feel like the same person I was a few months ago. So much has happened, and I don’t think I’ve really stopped to take stock of everything.

  Just as I’m finally starting to really relax, I feel a set of arms wrap around me from behind. I jump about a foot in the air while screaming at the top of my lungs.

  “Jesus, baby! It’s just me.”

  “You scared the shit out of me, Seth!” I turn around in his arms and smack his chest.

  “I’m sorry.” He chuckles. “You sure are jumpy. What are you doing out here by yourself?”

  I push myself away from him and he releases me. I haven’t seen Seth since that afternoon at Connor’s apartment. “I needed air,” I respond. “What are you doing here?” I eye him up and down. He’s only in a pair of running shorts and sneakers with a t-shirt thrown over his shoulder.

  Seth watches my eyes take in his appearance, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Like what you see, babe?” Seth laughs when I glare at him. “Seriously, though. I was out for a run and saw you over here.” His face softens as he extends his arm out to place his hand on my shoulder. “I wanted to check on you. Connor isn’t the only one that’s missed you.”

  If I’m honest with myself, I miss the guys too. I’ve not only shut Connor out, I’ve shut them out too. Even though they usually were a huge pain in my ass, they really had become part of my family. Especially Seth a
nd Wade. Wade has taken on the role of the annoying older brother, much like Sly, but Seth is different. Seth was becoming a close friend that was effortless to hang around with him, except when he was grabbing at me to get a rise out of Connor. The touchy-feely side of Seth was taking a bit to get used to. Sighing, I look back up to his bright blue eyes.

  “I’m just peachy.”

  “Liar.”

  Seth tugs me against his chest, wrapping me in a big hug, and I let him. It feels good to be held. The tears start coming out again full force. I cry into his chest, and he just holds me. After a few minutes, he leads me over to one of the bench swings under an awning. I sit down beside him and lean my head on his shoulder as he keeps his arm wrapped around me. We sit there, rocking back and forth, looking out over the water in silence for about an hour before Seth speaks up again. “Okay, babe. Spill it. Tell me what’s going on in the pretty head of yours.”

  I nod my head against Seth’s shoulder. “I saw him today,” I mumble. “He came up to the hospital today.”

  Seth squeezes me a little tighter. “How did that go?”

  “Not very well.”

  “Did you run away again?”

  “How did you know?” I turn my face up at him.

  Seth is smiling down at me. “Lynae, I’ve kinda figured you out. You’ve been through a shitstorm, and when you get scared, you run.”

  To think that Seth has picked up on my running away tendencies pulls at my heart a little. He isn’t the dense and cocky drummer I had pegged him as. My growling stomach breaks through the tension of our conversation. I didn’t really eat much for lunch and it’s been several hours since then. I also never got my cookies from Joe thanks to Connor’s visit. I giggle a little at the continued rumbling. ‘Sorry about that. Guess I need to let you go, and I need to find something to eat.” I’m not eating enough and I know it.

  Standing up, Seth drags his shirt back on then holds his hand out for me. “Come on, I’m buying.”

  “You don’t have to buy me dinner. I don’t want to ruin your evening.” I stand up a little too quickly. I feel lightheaded and stagger back slightly, grasping onto Seth’s shoulder.