Beneath Your Beautiful

by Tamsyn Bester

  "Hello?" I walk through the front door of their house but it's quiet. Shit. Maybe they're still at church.

  "Huntley? Is that you sweetheart?" my aunts voice comes through the arch way leading to the living room. She's lying on the couch with a book in her hand.

  "Hi, Aunt Em. I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"

  My aunt frowns and gets off the couch. "Of course not, sweetheart. You are welcome here. It's your home too." She smiles warmly at me and pulls me into a hug. The affection is just what I need. "Is everything ok darlin'?"

  "Can we talk?"

  "Of course sweetheart. Let me make us some tea and you can tell me what’s weighing so heavy on that heart of yours."

  She can read me well, the way a mother can read their own child. Its times like these I miss my mother, but I'm equally grateful to have my Aunt Emma. She has stepped in to be a mother to me, without making me feel likes she's trying to replace my mother altogether. It makes me love and respect her so much more.

  A little while later, Aunt Emma comes back with a tray in her hand. She settles on the couch and makes us both a cup of tea.

  "Now," she says, setting her cup down on the living room table. "Tell me what's bothering you sweetheart."

  I swallow hard before retelling what happened with Demi yesterday. Her eyes go wide with shock when I tell her how I found Demi and my own fill with tears. She rubs my back, comforting me. "It was hard to see her like that without remembering what I went through," I say.

  "Oh honey, the way you reacted was perfectly normal. You understand what that girl is going through a little better than most people. Have you spoken to Grayson about what happened to you before you came to Breckinridge?”

  I shake my head and try to swallow my tears. "No, but after yesterday, after he saw me almost freak out, I think he deserves to know. But I'm terrified that if I tell him, he won't look at me the same. What if he doesn't want me after he finds out that I'm damaged goods?"

  Aunt Emma wraps her arms around my shoulder. "First of all, you are not damaged goods. Don't ever let me hear you refer to yourself that way again or I'll be forced to give you a hiding. You have been through more than most people your age and you've become so incredibly strong because of it. And second of all, how do you know Grayson will leave you once he knows? I don't think that boy will ever leave you, even if he wanted to. He's so smitten with you sweetheart, he goes all googly eyed whenever you're with him."

  "I'm scared."

  "I know baby girl. But love does that to you. I know how you feel about Grayson, which is exactly why you need trust him enough not to leave you when you tell him the truth. If he's the kind of man I know he is, he will love you more than he already does."

  "You think he loves me?"

  She scoffs. "That boy would jump in front of an eighteen wheeler if you asked him to. Anyone can see that he loves you."

  "I love him too," I choke out. "But how do I tell him what's on my heart when I'm afraid he'll reject it because it's not whole?"

  "Sweetheart, let him put it back together. You might find that you can piece his heart back together too."

  I'm too caught up in my own inner conflict to ponder about her last statement. Instead, I focus on calming my thoughts and drawing on my inner strength. I can do this. Grayson deserves to know.

  "Thank you Aunt Em."

  She kisses my forehead and hugs me tight. "Any time baby girl, I'm here if you need me."

  I say goodbye and take my time on the short drive back to my apartment. I feel strangely better, yet still somewhat conflicted. Suddenly, the thought of Grayson not knowing who I am completely is more terrifying than telling him the truth.

  I'm about to lay the pieces of my shattered heart at Grayson's feet.

  I can only hope that he'll still want me, despite the fact that I'm not whole.

  Chapter 18

  ~ Grayson ~

  Huntley walks into the apartment and the look on her face concerns me. Her face is red and her eyes are puffy. I have no idea where she’s been but something has obviously upset her. She closes the door behind her and walks over to me. Her arms snake around my waist and I can’t help the bad feeling that uncoils in the pit of my stomach. Something is very wrong.

  “Where did you disappear to this morning?” I ask quietly. “I missed you.”

  “I needed to sort some things out. Are Brody and Demi here?”

  “Yeah, they’re in Demi’s room. Last time I checked they were asleep.”

  She looks down the passage and back up at me. “Can we talk?”

  I nod, watching her wearily as she takes my hand and leads me down the hallway to her room. I close the door behind me and take a seat on the bed. The bad feeling I had in stomach moments ago is now amplified. It makes me anxious.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I need…I need to tell you some things and I need you to let me finish before you say anything. What you decide to do afterwards is your decision, ok?”

  My heart starts racing wildly and my imagination starts conjuring up every possible worst-case-scenario. I swallow hard and nod once, pushing her to continue.

  “Before I moved here, some things happened that I’m not proud of, despite the fact that they were out of my control. I was young and immature and I made some very stupid decisions,” she pauses, wiping the tears that have started falling down her face. “I dated a guy, Jake, for almost 3 years. He was the popular guy at our school, and when he started paying attention to me I got excited. My dad died when I was two, so it was just me and my mom. I wasn’t used to getting male attention and I thought the way Jake treated me was how it was supposed to be. My moms’ boyfriends treated her the same way so it was all I knew about relationships.”

  I audibly grind my teeth. What did his Jake fucker do to my beautiful girl? Why was no one around to protect her?

  Huntley starts sobbing next to me. I move to put my arm around her but she quickly evades my embrace and jumps off the bed. “No,” she says, “Wait until you know all of it, before you decide I’m worth touching.”

  She paces the carpet in front of me and it takes all my strength not to grab her and comfort her. But I can tell that she needs time, she needs to get this off her chest in order to trust herself. And me.

  “The first time I had sex with him,” she continues. My fists clench on their own accord and I brace myself for what’s coming. “It was awful. I knew it would hurt but I expected Jake to be gentle with me, to take care of me. I wanted him to appreciate the gift I was giving him, the one part of myself I can never get back. He didn’t care though, and even when I started crying he carried on. It took me almost a month to gather the courage to do it again, and even then he didn’t care about me at all.” She takes a breath between sobs and looks at me, the fear and indignity burning in her sad eyes. “Are you sure you want to hear the rest?” she asks hesitantly.

  I look away but nod. I hear her sharp intake of breath and know that she has misinterpreted my need to look away. It’s not because I’m disgusted with her. I’m disgusted with the motherfucker who wasn’t man enough to treat this beautiful, fragile girl with the love and respect that she deserves.

  “The third time,” she swallows hard, “He convinced me to try without a condom. He said it was more enjoyable for both of us. I was on the pill, and all I really wanted to do was make him happy so I agreed. Needless to say, it was as awful for me as the first two times. Jake was always too concerned about his own needs to worry about mine.”

  By now she’s stopped pacing but her sniffles worsen the more she continues to tell me. I’m angry and frustrated. Angry because I have the urge to find this dickhead Jake and fuck him up with a sledge hammer and frustrated because Huntley won’t allow me to comfort her. I can see what this is doing to her, and the sight of her baring her soul to me awakens something else inside my own heart.

  Guilt.

  Because there are things about me that Huntley also deserves to know.

 
I watch her every move as she sits down on her faux shag carpet. She takes a few calming breaths but they do nothing to ease her cries. I don’t move from my spot on the bed.

  “I found out eight weeks later that I was pregnant,” she cries. I’m sure she can see the surprise on my face but she continues anyway. “I was terrified. I had no idea what I was going to do. I decided the best thing to do was tell Jake and hope he wouldn’t be too angry with me. He started drinking more and I was sure he was on drugs so I never knew what mood I would find him in. On the night I decided to share the news, I walked in on him,” she sniffles, “having sex with my best friend Taylor.”

  My mind goes blank and flashbacks from when my ex cheated on me replay in vivid Technicolor. I have no idea what to say.

  My instincts kick in and I bend down to where Huntley is all but crumpled up on the carpet. Wordlessly, I wrap my arms around her and carry her to the bed. I would give anything to take away what she’s feeling right now.

  “What happened next?” I whisper. I ignore every warning signal in my head telling me to leave it alone, that I won’t like what I’m about to hear.

  “After I walked in on them, Jake chased me and when I told him I was pregnant he freaked. He accused me of cheating and ended up pushing me down the stairs. He then started kicking me and soon after that I blacked out. I lost the baby that night and spent three days in hospital recovering from other injuries caused by the fall.”

  I rock her back and forth, hoping to calm the storm inside her heart and soul the way she calms mine. I find myself wanting to be everything I can possibly be for this girl. Despite the initial shock, all of this information explains more to me than I thought possible. The connection I feel pulsing between us has been fortified. We are two broken souls seeking solace in each other, the desire to make the other whole again.

  She opens her mouth but hesitates.

  “What else?” I ask. “I can see there is something else you need to say.”

  I hear her swallow. Surely there can’t be something worse than what she just told me?

  “The day I got out of the hospital, I found my mom’s body. I walked into the house and found her body in the kitchen. The back of her head was smashed in and according to the medical examiner there were thirty seven lacerations on her chest and stomach. When –“

  “Stop. You don’t have to tell me any more.”

  She moves, trying to untangle herself from me. “What are you doing?”

  “This is what I prepared myself for. You know all about my past and I knew you would leave me after you realized what I mess I really am.”

  I blink twice, momentarily struck speechless by her assumption. Its’ difficult not be angered by it, especially when leaving her is the last thing on my mind.

  “Did you honestly think I would leave you after you told me all that?”

  “Yes,” she whispers, “How can you love someone who isn’t whole?”

  I close the distance between us in two long strides. She doesn’t back away from me when I get in her face. I wish it was possible to show her what she looks like through my eyes. I want her to see the incredible, beautiful and strong Huntley that I am in awe of every day. I need her to know that…

  “I’m in love with you,” I blurt out.

  Her eyes widen and brim with tears. “What?”

  I cup her face and look into her eyes. “I’m in love with you Huntley.”

  “You can’t be Gray. How can you love something that is broken?”

  “You are so determined to hide your broken soul that you don’t see how beautiful those pieces make you. You have completely disarmed me Huntley, you have left my heart and soul naked and all I want is for you to see that I am in love with every goddamn broken piece of you. I don’t want anyone else.”

  She shakes her head and I wipe away her tears with my thumbs.

  “I’m in love with you too,” she cries, “And it terrifies me.”

  “This terrifies me too baby, but I need you to let me in. Let me see beneath your beautiful.”

  I press my lips to hers. Her arms slide around my neck and I pull her into me until there is nothing but our clothes separating us. I lift her up and her legs tighten around my waist. I move until my knees hit the bed and I lay her down gently.

  I hover above her for a brief moment before trailing butterfly kisses down her neck. Her mouth is close to my ear and her warm breath causes a shiver to course its way through my body.

  “Grayson,” her voice is soft and vulnerable. “Make love to me.”

  I swallow hard. I’ve never really made love before, not the way I want to with Huntley. After this, everything between us will change. I need to share my secrets with her, to trust her the way she has chosen to trust me. But now’s not the time. This is about showing her how I feel.

  Huntley sits up and I pull her top over her head. I do the same with mine before joining her on the bed. I kiss her, tracing my tongue on her top lip, begging for entrance. Our tongues meet in a sacred ritual of song and dance and the fire between us ignites.

  We undress each other slowly, savoring the intimacy and openness we share. When we’re both naked and shivering in anticipation, our eyes meet and it’s the perfect moment to bare it all. “I love you,” I say, feeling the irrevocable conviction of my confession. The emotions running through me are unbearable and I feel tears sliding down my face.

  “I love you too.”

  Our lips meet again and our tears mix as our bodies become one. I slide into her heat and we both groan. I lay still, wrapped in her warmth in every way possible, feeling our joined hearts beat in perfect unison. I start moving, sliding out and teasing Huntleys’ entrance with the tip of my cock. I’m torturing both of us but I want to savor her and worship every inch of her body until neither of us can handle it any longer.

  “Gray,” she breathes, “Please.”

  I slide back into her until she can’t take anymore of me. Her legs come up and her hips lift slightly, taking me deeper than I’ve ever been. The feeling is both excruciating and exquisite. I set an easy rhythm, our hips moving together as our slick bodies fuse. Distinguishing Huntleys’ body from mine is impossible. Our souls fuse as our bodies do.

  I feel Huntley tighten around me and quicken my strokes, chasing that wave that will inevitably engulf us both in a whirlpool of sensation. One final thrust pushes us both over the edge and I swallow her scream, absorbing her cry of pleasure and combining it with mine. We are but a single soul, inhabiting two bodies.

  Time stills as we catch our breath and I relish in the afterglow of the most magnificently beautiful moment of my life.

  I lift my head from the crook of Huntley’s neck and she gives me a shy, timid smile. I love how she still gets shy around me even though we’ve seen every part of each other’s bodies in the most intimate of ways.

  “You’re amazing,” I whisper against her lips. She lets out a content sigh.

  I reluctantly leave the warmth of her body and pull us both under the covers. She snuggles into my chest and traces her fingers over my heart. When her breathing evens out, I lay awake and just watch her sleeping.

  Her chest rises and falls rhythmically, her eyes flutter under her eyelids while her long lashes rest on her cheeks. Her mouth pouts slightly and I can’t hide my smile. My beautiful girl has been through so much, and carried so much weight on her tiny shoulders. I know in my heart that she will show me how to be strong. I can’t imagine ever going on without her.

  After watching her for over an hour, I slip out of bed, careful not to wake her. She stirs but rolls onto her stomach and falls back asleep. I pull my jeans on and my shirt and head out of the apartment.

  My head is swimming with so many thoughts, still trying to process everything Huntley told me. I need to work through my guilt and find a way to open up about my own demons. I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to open up to me so selflessly and relive the haunting memories from her past. All I know is that our rela
tionship can’t go any further until I’ve been completely honest with her. I should’ve done it when we started dating, but I was so consumed by Huntley and how she made me feel that I buried my painful secrets even deeper.

  I drive into the cemetery just out of town and come to a stop on one of the side roads. A cemetery is normally quiet but at four am it’s eerie. I walk up the hill until I reach my sisters headstone and sit down on the grass. I look at the white marble with an angel engraved on it and silently read over her name.

  Emilie May Carter

  1992 – 2011

  Beloved Daughter

  Always loved, cherished and never forgotten.

  “I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart. I am never without it anywhere

  I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling. I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet. I want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true, and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you.” – EE Cummings

  A lone tear escapes as I read my sisters favorite quote by E.E Cummings. She was such a bookworm and I always playfully teased her about her love of literature. When she died, she took half of me with her. We were inseparable as kids, always doing everything together. I have carried her death with me for two years and the guilt that came with keeping what really happened to her from my parents. I knew they couldn’t handle the truth, so I asked the doctors to let me inform them of what happened.

  Emilie would’ve loved Huntley. It’s impossible not to. More than anything, I wish I could tell Emilie about the peace Huntley brings me, how I want nothing more than to show her my heart without fear or hesitation.

  “I miss you Em,” I whisper quietly, hoping the light breeze will carry my words to her. I stand up and place a kiss on her headstone. Being here has made it clear that I need to tell Huntley about my past and trust her the way she trusts me.

  I slide back into my truck just as my phone rings. My brother Jeff’s name flashes and I slide the touch screen to answer.