All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  Lia sighs and I can imagine the expression on her face. He sounds sincere, despite the strain in his voice and I’m positive she will forgive him. That’s just who she is. “Okay. I just have one question. You both knew me better than that. I would have let you go without hesitation had you talked to me.”

  “I know. Neither of us are proud of how we got started.”

  “Well, if it makes any difference, I forgive you. I think I forgave you a long time ago.” Backing away, I leave them to finish their conversation.

  I know that she said she got closure before, but now that he’s apologized, I know that now she really has the closure she needed.

  A lead weight sinks in my stomach as I realize that means she might finally be in a place where she is ready to open herself up again, there will be nothing holding her back from letting me go for someone who can provide her with something meaningful, something more than incredible sex.

  I’m not ready to let her go. That point in time seems like it’s further in the distance than I ever anticipated.

  “Hyatt Equine Therapy, Lia speaking, how may I help you?” Bracing the phone between my ear and shoulder, I save the treatment plan I’ve been working on for a new client. I currently have five horses on the premises, and two new ones coming two days from now.

  “Hi, Miss Hyatt, this is Georgiana Waters from Parkland University. I’m one of the on-campus counselors.” Leaning back in my chair, I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as I listen to the woman on the other end of the line spiel on about her role at the university thirty minutes away. “I’m calling because I have an odd request for you.”

  “I’m not sure how I can help you, your University doesn’t have an Equine Therapy program.” Grabbing a pen, I start doodling on the notepad in front of me, sure that she called me by mistake somehow.

  “I’m not calling with regards to our programs, I’m actually calling in regards to a particular student who has recently started coming to see me once a week. I can’t go into details for confidentiality reasons, but traditional therapy isn’t doing anything for her. I thought based off your website that we might be able to work out an arrangement with you.”

  I open my mouth to protest. I’m not trained to provide therapy for someone.

  “Before you say anything, what I was thinking isn’t traditional therapy. I thought perhaps you could use some help at the clinic, and it would give her a chance to have an outlet for what she’s going through. Animals don’t expect you to talk or share, they just expect kindness, and I think this would be good for her.” Ms. Waters finishes in a rush, and my heart aches for the girl who has obviously earned a special spot in this woman’s heart.

  I would have to train her, and if she’s never been around horses I would need to incorporate horsemanship lessons into the days she comes to work, but something in my gut says to do this. I have a feeling that this could lead somewhere great, and I’ve been contemplating taking on an apprentice. If she does well, and enjoys it, maybe she would want to fill that role.

  “I have two new horses coming in two days, I’m assuming she’s off for the summer so if this is something that interests her tell her to be here at ten in the morning.” I rattle off my email, asking her to provide it to the girl, waving off her thanks before disconnecting the call.

  Staring at my phone, I feel excited at the idea of giving someone this opportunity. I know how healing horses can be, and she may never open up to me, but hopefully she will find what she’s searching for.

  Opening my laptop, I search for my disclaimer document and start putting together a packet for her. Damn . . . I should have gotten her name.

  I’m so involved in arranging the file, I don’t notice Alex until he’s sitting on the edge of my desk. “That’s one intense look you have going on there.”

  Looking up at him, I can’t fight the smile that automatically stretches across my face. “I had the most bizarre phone call not even five minutes ago.”

  I grab the papers from my printer, stapling them and putting them in the appropriate spots in the new file I’ve built as I fill Alex in on the call from Ms. Waters.

  “Wow. I’m proud of you.” He leans down to press a gentle kiss to my lips. “That’s quite the compliment. She must have heard about you from someone and then went looking for your website.”

  Flushing at his praise, I lean back in my chair devouring him with my eyes. Alex is in his typical attire of jeans and a t-shirt, his hair messy from his hands running through it, and I chuckle when I see his glasses are sitting on top of his head. “Thanks.”

  “Are you done for the day?” He takes my hand in his, sliding his thumb over my knuckles, sending sparks up my arm.

  It’s only been a few days since we danced and kissed at Linger, and I’ve been avoiding him. Mostly I’ve been avoiding my reaction to being near him since I felt what it would be like to be his, even for a short time.

  It’s been easy, keeping busy with things that need to be done, allowing him space to move into Dane’s empty room. Tonight will be his first official night and my body is tied in knots.

  Ever since that night, something shifted and I’ve been processing how to deal with it. I realized that I want more from a relationship than just sex, but I also realized I want it with Alex, putting me in a complicated spot. That realization hasn’t been easy to come to terms with.

  Glancing at the time, I see that it’s past dinner time, my stomach growling at the realization. “Yeah. I didn’t realize how late it had gotten.”

  “You’ve been working a ton these past few days.” He cocks his head to the side, watching me. I carefully school my features to safeguard the inner turmoil I’ve been facing. I’m not giving him up, so I need to control these new urges.

  “I know, I thought you might like some space to pack. Are you all settled in now?” Shutting down my computer, I shove my chair in and round my desk. Alex wraps his hands around my waist, pulling me into him.

  “Yep. I’m unpacked and everything is put away. Dane is going to move his office over this week, I was hoping to set up some space in the room once he’s done, if that’s okay.”

  Nodding, I lean my forehead onto his shoulder, breathing in his soft cologne. “I don’t need it.”

  The idea of him moving into more than just one room makes me happy, part of me becoming exactly the girl he is worried I will become.

  “You okay?” His voice is concerned and I need to distract him from delving too much into the chaotic thoughts running around my head.

  Tilting my head up, I kiss him hard, biting his lower lip before sucking it into my mouth. “Need you.”

  He picks me up, wrapping my legs around his waist and walks us into the living quarters of my clinic.

  Rousing from a deep night’s sleep, I freeze, something feels different. My blankets are wrapped around me tightly, I’m trapped, and my heart starts racing in the warm cocoon. I hate feeling stuck, like I can’t escape. When I try to move, a groan rumbles in my ear and the pressure is released with a jolt of awareness.

  Eyes springing open, I roll my head over and see Alex next to me, one arm underneath my back and the other now flung across the bed. My brain wakes up with an abruptness as I recall never leaving my clinic.

  Shit. We’ve never spent the night together, always sleeping in our separate beds. My heart aches to curl into him and go back to sleep, but my head knows I need some distance to process this. Rolling out of bed, careful not to wake Alex, I dress quickly and sneak out the door.

  Releasing the breath I’ve been holding once I’m outside my clinic, I laugh as I do the walk of shame to my house. My hair is sticking up all over the place, my makeup smudged underneath my eyes. I’m the poster girl for a one-night stand, even though we’ve had many nights.

  The walk isn’t long, though I usually choose to ride to my clinic, and soon I’m breaking through the trees into the yard.

  Wheels crunch as Ryan’s car pulls into view. Groaning as he waves, I
scramble to think of a reason for me to be walking around this hour looking like I do. It’s futile, though, so I wait for him to park, resigned to the fact my secret is no longer a secret. There is only one person on this property that would make me look like this and Ryan won’t have trouble putting two and two together.

  When he gets out of his car, we eye each other up before laughing. We both have the same rumpled and sexed up look. “Someone had a good night.”

  “I could say the same for you.” He smirks at me. “Alex, huh? I kind of thought something was going on. Why all the sneaking around?”

  There is no judgement in his tone. Ryan is an amazing big brother and incredibly protective of us all, but one of his biggest character flaws is that he is a bit of a man whore.

  Sitting on the front step to our house, I shove my hair away from my face. “We’re not in a relationship, we’re just messing around. It’s easier to hide it so there is no pressure to be more than what we are.”

  Ryan knows my hang-ups on giving my heart to someone new, but by the look in his eyes I know he sees through my flippant comment.

  “As long as you know what you’re doing.” He bumps me with his hip, his smile gentle.

  “Alex isn’t in a place to commit to someone and when I finally do give my heart away, I want the person to be ready to accept it. At the same time, he’s someone safe. When we’re together it’s effortless, easy. We have fun and we don’t argue about silly things. I’m okay.” I don’t know if I’m reassuring him or myself, but we both know that at some point I won’t be okay with this anymore. This is why I haven’t been with anyone since Graham, it’s too easy for my heart to get involved. It’s already grasping at the what-ifs.

  What if he changes his mind?

  What if he just needs a push?

  “I get it. I won’t say anything to anyone.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder, wrapping me in his protective bubble. “Just be careful. You’re a sweet person, I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  “We have ground rules set up. If we feel it’s interfering with our ability to maintain a friendship, we will end it. That’s the main one, but we also promised it wouldn’t interrupt our life or other relationships. So far, it’s been going really well.” Smiling at Ryan, I squeeze him into a hug. I’m so lucky to have brothers I can talk to about anything. Not that I would share the naughty details, but for him to be so understanding is incredible. They’ve always let me pave my own path.

  Ryan ruffles my hair. “Okay, I’m going to go shower. Hey, can you make blueberry pancakes this morning? I’ve been craving them.”

  “You got it.”

  Changing out of yesterday’s clothes, I toss a load of laundry into the wash before mixing up the batter for blueberry pancakes. It felt really weird to wake up next to Alex. I haven’t woken up in another man’s bed since Graham.

  I used to love the feeling of being wrapped up in Graham’s arms. The security and warmth of being close to someone was an incomparable feeling. However, after years of sleeping independently, I am not big on cuddling anymore. When Emma and I have sleepovers, I stay on my side of the bed. Even this morning, I was rigidly on the left half of the bed, he’s the one that had gravitated towards me, invading my space.

  Yet the urge was there. The urge to turn into him, allowing his strength to envelop me in the cocoon his presence creates.

  Tossing handfuls of blueberries into the pancake batter, I mix it all together and it’s ready to pour onto the skillet by the time Emma strolls into the kitchen. “Good morning.” Her voice is hoarse, her hair pulled up into a messy pony tail. She beelines it for the coffee pot, pouring a mug and handing it to me before serving herself. She groans as she sits at the island, cupping the mug of coffee tightly in her hands.

  “What’s up, buttercup?” Pulling out a chair next to her, I eye her in concern.

  “I didn’t sleep well and we overslept, making Dane crabby. As if one crabby man wasn’t enough, Alex woke up on the wrong side of the bed too.” She grimaces as she drinks her coffee, too tired to care that her tongue is getting burned. “I don’t even know why he was at our house this morning; he’s supposed to be living here now.”

  Setting my untouched mug down, I start the burner and set about cooking the pancakes, trying to decipher why Alex would be in a bad mood. Dread fills me when I wonder if it’s because we spent the night. If anything is going to set him off, it’s the blurring of boundaries.

  The guys start crowding into the kitchen, all except Alex. They’re chattering loudly, but Emma and I exchange a look when Dane informs us that he ran into Alex outside and he’s skipping breakfast today.

  Everyone waits for me to make a big deal out of it, for anyone else I would, but I shrug indifferently knowing that it’s not my place to force him to eat here.

  Setting the platter hosting a mountain of pancakes onto the table, I shove aside the uneasy feeling that I might have caused this and jump into the conversation with my usual enthusiasm. By the time we’ve finished breakfast I’ve convinced myself it couldn’t possibly have to do with me.

  After everyone leaves and the kitchen is clean, I head up to my room. My day is clear and Emma has been keeping me stocked in book recommendations. Curling up on my window seat, the sun beaming in providing a cozy heat. Powering up my device, I start a series Emma had raved about.

  It doesn’t take long for me to lose myself in the story. This is what I need, an escape. When I read, my mind loses itself in the story, but I usually come out of it know the answers to questions I’m struggling with. It’s almost as though focusing on an entirely different world frees up the space in my head to make decisions I waver on.

  I don’t put my book down, ignoring everything until the light has dimmed so much that I have to flip on my lamp. Clasping the reader to my chest, I sigh happily. How Emma knows exactly the type of book I need always surprises me.

  This story is funny, romantic, and quirky.

  “Do I even want to ask what that look is for?” Ryan leans in my doorway, grinning at the dreamy expression on my face.

  “Emma recommended a book to me and it’s making me swoon. What’s up?” Uncurling my legs, I stand and walk over to Ryan, pushing him out the door. He follows me down the stairs and into the kitchen, chuckling.

  “Nothing, I was just passing by and saw you smiling like a goof.” He grabs a couple of glasses from the cupboard and pours us some wine. “Have you heard from Alex at all today? I haven’t seen him around the house.”

  The reminder that Alex didn’t show up for breakfast and has now gone the longest span of time in a while without texting takes away the satisfied feeling of reading a good book.

  “No, but we don’t really text aside from–well, you know.” Shrugging, I smirk at the grossed out look on his face.

  “I’m not one to talk when it comes to no strings attached sex, but I have to admit it feels weird knowing your sister is doing that.” He gives me a half grimace, half grin and I burst out in laughter.

  Ryan leans against the counter, women find him very attractive and I wonder if anyone will ever be able to snag him. He would make an amazing husband and father. I don’t even know why he won’t commit. Dane was committed to Emma from childhood. I tried it and was hurt. Ryan has always liked to play the field.

  We chat for a while, polishing off the bottle of wine. Scouring the kitchen, I fix up supper for Ryan and me, setting aside some for Alex in case he decides to come home from wherever he is. My head is fuzzy from the wine and skipping lunch, making it difficult for me to control my thoughts.

  Shortly after we eat, Ryan takes off and I know he’s meeting some woman.

  Checking my phone hopefully, I’m filled with disappointment that Alex still hasn’t texted me or come home.

  Biting my lip, I wonder if I should just give us a day off. I need to get my head on straight anyways, and finishing this love story will hopefully give me the dose of happily ever after I need, allowing me to continue
on like normal tomorrow.

  Shutting down my computer, I rummage through my bedside table to find some aspirin. I’ve been locked in my room all day, working until my eyes are crossed.

  When I awoke alone in Lia’s clinic this morning I was shocked to discover it pissed me off, which is completely ridiculous and I don’t even want to delve into the why’s of that.

  Then, to top it off, that damn client called to make changes to the website I’m designing for her, again. Usually I don’t care about making changes, but it’s never small changes with this woman, it’s completely revamping the entire website. We haven’t even published it yet and she’s done five complete changes. I ignored her website today because I didn’t have the patience to work on it.

  Crawling out of bed, I dig through the clutter on my floor and try to find my phone. About halfway through the day I had chucked it off the bed to resist texting Lia. Given my reaction to waking alone, I thought some distance would be a good idea, but all it’s done is put me in a bad mood.

  Finally finding it, I check my screen. A couple texts from Emma and one from my mother. As usual, seeing her name just fills me with anger. I never respond, but I allow her to text so I know she is still alive.

  Pocketing my phone, I crash back onto my bed trying to compartmentalize my thoughts. I feel scattered and I know without a doubt it’s because of the woman across the hall.

  Maybe it’s a good thing she wasn’t in my bed this morning, it would have felt too intimate. I’m not supposed to want to wake up next to her, clearly the lines of friendship and sex are blurring. We need to keep it defined and clear cut, so there are no risks of getting hurt because I know I will end up hurting her if this goes too far. It’s inevitable.

  A soft knock at my door followed by Emma’s head popping into my room makes me smile. She is the most important person in my life. My savior. She doesn’t even have a clue, just a basic understanding of what I went through. People come and go, but our friendship is everlasting and the only constant in my life.