All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  “Okay, what’s going on?” Emma holds the remote in her hand. It’s still pointed at the television, but she’s staring me down.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Slouching down in the chair, I’m sure I look like a petulant teenager.

  “Is it the same thing Lia doesn’t want to talk about? When she was riding some horses for me this afternoon she was unusually sullen.” Dane smirks at the look on my face. “Don’t look so surprised. You two aren’t subtle at all.”

  “We’re fine.” My phone rings, and I’m relieved to be saved by the bell.

  My relief is short-lived when I see who is calling. Dad?

  Sending it straight to voicemail, I look back over at Emma and Dane. She’s curled into him, his arm stroking her arm. For the first time since they’ve been together, I begrudge them their happiness.

  “Alex . . .” My phone dings, letting me know I have a voicemail. Emma sighs. “Why don’t you deal with whatever that is?”

  Glaring at her, I finally pick up my phone when she crosses her arms, looking at me pointedly. I’m not going to win this battle.

  Calling my voicemail, I listen to the message, and feel the blood drain from my face. Emma and Dane lean forward in concern, so I replay it on speaker.

  “Hi Alex, it’s . . . Dad. Please call me, it’s about your mother. I . . . Well, please call.”

  Emma’s eyes widen as he rattles off his phone number.

  Standing, I stalk to the fridge and grab three beers. I hand two over to them before sitting back in the chair I’ve vacated, popping the cap on my own.

  “Are you going to call him back?” Her words are cautious, knowing how touchy this subject is for me.

  “Why? I haven’t heard from him in more than ten years. He disappeared off the face of the planet and left me with a substance abusing psycho. What could he possibly have to say about her that I don’t already know?” Tilting my beer back, I down it.

  “I get what you’re saying, I really do. The thing is, you haven’t heard from him in all this time, so he’s probably calling for a reason.” Emma stands and comes over to sit on the arm of the chair, resting her hand on my arm.

  “I know.” Listening to the message again, I jot down the number and dial it before I can second-guess this decision. I could care less about whatever he has to say about most things, but Emma is right, I should hear it if it’s about my mother.

  “Alex, thank you for calling me back.” My dad’s voice sounds relieved, the noise in the background loud, making it difficult to hear him.

  Ignoring any pleasantries, I cut straight to the point. “What happened to Mom?”

  “She overdosed and is in the ICU. I’m here now, the prognosis isn’t good and I thought you might want to come see her.” His voice is matter of fact and I’m enraged that he can be so casual about her drug addiction, especially since he left me to deal with it.

  “Yeah, okay. Can you text me the hospital and her room number? I will be on the earliest flight.”

  “Yeah, of course. Hey . . . I was wondering . . .” The noise quiets and I hear a door shut. Now I know he is in the hospital.

  “I have to go. I guess I will see you soon, we can talk when I get there.” Hanging up, I pocket my phone and pull Emma in for a hug. I’m rattled, part of me had wondered what happened to Mom, if she had ever cleaned up like she had been telling me. She had eventually quit texting, and I had hoped maybe she just gave up. I guess I have my answer.

  “Hey, guys.” Lia strolls into the kitchen, halting when she sees the look on our faces. I want to pull her into my arms, feel the comfort of her warmth, but I don’t. “What’s going on?”

  Emma removes herself from my arms, grabbing Lia a beer from the fridge while I fill her in. “My dad just called. I guess my mom overdosed and is in the ICU. It doesn’t look good.”

  My phone dings with the address of the hospital. Lia comes over, squeezing my shoulder as Emma hands me her laptop. I’m in a daze as I book my flight.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Emma offers, her voice soft.

  “No, I don’t want anyone to have to deal with this shit. I don’t plan on staying long. All I need is a ride to the airport, I leave at noon, so we have to leave bright and early.” Closing the computer, I hand it back to Emma, before reaching up to rest my hand on Lia’s.

  “I can drive you.” Lia offers.

  Nodding, I release her hand and stand. “I guess I better go pack.”

  We’ve been on the road for an hour, the silence surrounding us is not the comfortable quiet that Lia and I typically have. It’s my fault, I know it is. She wants more than I can give her, and I don’t doubt I’ve been sending mixed signals, but I’ve never been so conflicted in my life.

  “We need to talk.” I look over at her. It’s possibly the worst time to have this conversation, but at the same time it’s the best time since we will have a few days apart. I’m worried she’s going to cry, and I hate the idea of hurting her, but we can’t continue on anymore, not without progressing further into a real relationship.

  “You’re right. There is a lot that needs to be said, and while it’s not the best time, we can’t keep putting it off anymore.” Her voice is soft. When she looks over at me, I can see how much she loves me. Before I can tell her I can’t be with her anymore, she continues to speak. I brace myself for her to ask something of me that I can’t give her. “I think we need to end our agreement.”

  She looks away from me, but she can’t hide the sheen she blinks from her eyes. My jaw works as I process what she’s said. It’s the opposite of what I thought she was going to say. I thought she would try to convince me to try, but the easiness with which she spoke means she’s been thinking this for a while, and the words cut in a way I didn’t expect.

  “You’re right.” I have to force the words out. Why is this so hard? She’s made it easy. No crying, no begging, just easy and simple. Exactly what we agreed.

  So why am not I not more thrilled?

  “It’s the best thing for our friendship.” Her hands are white-knuckling the steering wheel, the only outward sign she’s not as at ease with this decision as her voice would suggest. “We agreed we wouldn’t continue on if it got to the point we couldn’t maintain that, and I think we’re there. I value your friendship too much to sacrifice it.”

  Nodding, my throat closes up and I can’t think of what to say. I sink into the passenger seat as we fall silent again, the rest of the drive passes in a weird oxymoron of time. On the one hand, I don’t feel we arrive at the airport fast enough, but as soon as she pulls up to the doors leading to departures, I’m not ready to say goodbye.

  Lia gets out of the car, wrapping me in a hug. “Remember, they can’t hurt you anymore. Family isn’t always the family you’re born into, sometimes it’s the people you choose for yourself.”

  She steps away, her smile encouraging as I turn to leave. The knot in my stomach twists even tighter as I turn back only to see she is already gone.

  I arrive home mid-afternoon, exhausted from driving since six this morning. I wasn’t surprised that Alex brought up our relationship, in fact Emma even warned me last night that he would probably pull away. I didn’t need the warning, but I appreciate her concern.

  She was pretty shocked when I told her I wasn’t going to fight him on it. I know that I can’t fight him for us, he needs to figure it out on his own, in his own time. I just hope he does, because my heart already hurts, and I feel nauseous at the idea of losing him for good. I want it all with him, not just friendship.

  Mom and Dad are sitting on Emma’s porch chatting with her and Dane when I get home. They wave at me, gesturing to join them, so I walk over instead of heading to the barn like I had planned.

  “Hi, Sweetheart. We were just discussing Emma and Dane’s wedding.” Mom stands, wrapping me into a hug that I sink right into. God, I love her hugs. It doesn’t matter that I’m twenty-four, I could be fifty-four and still need her to hug me.
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  “You know I love wedding talk.” Smiling as she releases me, I take an empty mug off the table and pour myself a cup of coffee from the steaming carafe. “I think all that’s left to decide is the date, unless something else came up.”

  “That’s what we were talking about. I want to wait until your show season is done, which is September, and then have a couple months to get everything in order. So we decided on November eighth.” Emma’s smile is contagious, and I return it with the first real smile I’ve had all day.

  “That’s perfect.”

  My phone erupts with several notifications at once, so I pull it out of my back pocket and scroll through them. Texts from Nella and Alex, an email from a new client, and another email from Lydia.

  I start with Lydia. She hasn’t been here to see Patty since she dropped her off, but I left her a message knowing how she was doing. Scanning over her email, she explains that her grandfather has been in the hospital, but he’s being released and she wants to come see Patty. I write a quick reply, suggesting she come early next week. I don’t have time for her this week, and I don’t typically allow clients to come on the weekends.

  Moving on, I read through the email from the new client and forward him my information packet, along with the consent form.

  I leave Alex’s text until last, confirming the schedule Nella sent me works.

  Alex: Just checked into the hotel. Heading to the hospital as soon as I drop my bags off in my room.

  Me: I’m glad you made it okay.

  Three little dots show up, and I wait for him to respond. I didn’t ask him to text me when he got there. Shaking my head, I fight the surge of hope. One text doesn’t mean anything.

  The dots disappear and then start up again. Setting my phone down, I pick up my coffee and tune back into my surroundings.

  “We were really proud of you this weekend, Baby Girl.” Dad smiles at me. He’s started to get a little gray at his temples, and I think it makes him look distinguished. My brothers inherited their good looks from him. They share the same jawline and smile. The lady killer smile. “And not because you won, although you did kick ass. I think it takes real sportsmanship to encourage your fellow competitors the way you do.”

  “Thank you, Papa.”

  Conversation surges around me as Dad and Dane start talking about all the horses present at the show that Dane had trained. Several of which were offspring of some of our Quarter Horses.

  Alex: Just got to the hospital. Dad is nowhere to be seen, Mom is in ICU. Turning my phone off.

  “Alex arrived safely. He’s at the hospital now.” I turn to Emma, who holds up her phone.

  “He just texted.” She looks at me and I can tell she wants to say something, but is refraining because my parents are here. I know what she wants to say, so I just nod. She’s reminding me to be patient. She’s also giving me a pointed look that says I shouldn’t take the fact that he thought to text me lightly.

  He may not be fully aware of what he wants, but it’s there. The question is, will he allow himself to fall, or will his fear at opening up his heart at the risk of getting hurt hold him back.

  And how long am I willing to wait?

  Nella plops down into the arm chair. We’re both covered in a layer of dirt from putting in a solid eight hours of work.

  “It’s a good thing my friend, Andie, got me into going to the gym. No wonder you’re as fit as you are.” She chugs water from the bottle I hand to her. “I signed up for an online course for July and August. I wanted to get it out of the way, and doing it online means it won’t interfere with coming here.”

  Dropping down in the chair across from her, I wipe my face with a damp cloth. “What course?”

  “Ethics in Psychology. The professor sent out an email today. He’s partnering us up with another student for a research paper. We each write our own paper, but we share sources. Thank goodness, it means I only need to connect with them over the course chat that’s been set up for us.” She empties her water bottle, tossing it into the recycle bin I have across the room.

  “Nice shot.” I watch it fall in before looking back at Nella. This is only the second time she’s been here, and she’s already relaxing around me. She’s still quiet, thinking through her words carefully. She doesn’t say much, but when she does her words carry meaning. Nothing she says is for the sake of talking.

  Smiling, I realize that I’m the complete opposite. I love to talk, especially once I’ve been drinking.

  “It’s late, would you like to stay for dinner before heading back to campus?” She lights up, nodding gratefully. “Great. I will text my brother and let him know to add another setting.”

  Ryan’s builder finally broke ground on his house today, so Nella met him earlier when he came into the clinic swearing like the rough cowboy he is. As soon as he saw her, he immediately apologized and backed out of the clinic before she could even respond.

  “The angry one?” She giggles. I don’t think she giggles like that often because she smacks her hand over her mouth. “God, that sounded silly.”

  “He’s just stressed because the crew was late today, and they were supposed to break ground last week. Plus, he’s a control freak and the fact that the contractor kicked him out of the job site was a tough pill to swallow.” I grab my keys from the desk drawer, locking up as we leave.

  Nella follows me the short drive home. When she hops out of her car, her eyes widen as she takes in the two houses, medium indoor riding arena, the barn, and the fact that not only is Ryan having dinner with us but Emma and Dane as well. They’re all sitting on the porch, watching us with interest.

  “They’re all harmless. I promise.”

  I’m ready to go home. I’ve been sitting beside a comatose mother for twenty-four hours, making civil conversation with a man I have hated since he walked out the door.

  Closing my eyes, I picture myself back home. Seeing Lia’s brown eyes smile at me over breakfast, or when we run into each other in the hall. Riding Chandler around the many miles of trails. I haven’t even explored them all yet.

  Lia and Emma have texted several times throughout the day to see how I’m doing. Their words of encouragement are the only things getting me through this. Especially since I know Dad wants to take me to dinner this evening and talk about whatever it is he feels he needs to say.

  Opening the most recent text from Lia, I grin at the picture of Leo in a tiny saddle. He’s on the lunge line, Lia in the center focusing on him. Nella must have taken the photo while she was there today.

  Lia and I have been working Leo together four days a week since she gave him to me. And seeing her with him now makes me realize what a special person she is. She’s actually continuing to be my friend, as we had agreed.

  The entire flight I worked through a plan to make our lives easier. I didn’t think the transition would be easy, but she’s always said she’s different than other women I’ve been with. And she is right. She’s completely different.

  This morning, the first thing I thought about was Lia. Texting her, wishing she was here. All day, I’ve wanted her by my side holding my hand as I wait for Mom to come out of the coma. I may deny myself a lot of things, but there is no denying I miss her or that I’ve let her in more than I ever intended.

  There is even a part of me that is falling for her, I realize it now, but the other part of me refuses to let myself love her in that way. When you love someone, and give them your life, you hand over the power to tear you apart.

  I’ve had enough people in my life who were supposed to love me and keep me safe tear away at me. I don’t need to open myself up to another, not when I have the choice.

  “Alex.” My dad pops his head into the room. “Are you ready for dinner?”

  Standing with a sigh, I look down at my mother. She’s hasn’t moved since I arrived, despite her vitals stabilizing. The doctor said that she was found within the small window of time where she can be saved. They’re not sure about long-te
rm effects, but they’re hopeful she will make a full recovery, pending her willingness to finally sober up.

  “Yeah. Let’s get this over with.” I follow him out the door.

  We walk a block down the street to a quiet pub, sliding into a vacant booth. It’s after the lunch rush and before the after work crowd starts to file in.

  We order from the server, a woman in a skirt that barely covers her ass. I don’t bother looking at the menu, just ordering whatever is on special.

  Dad folds the menu. “Actually, two of those please.”

  She saunters away, probably hoping to increase her tip, but neither of us are watching her. Instead, I’m glued to watching my father tear a napkin into shreds. I may not have any clue as to who he is anymore, but I never remember him being nervous or avoidant.

  “So, how’s the family?” Leaning back, I cross my arms over my chest.

  He flinches, before clearing his throat. “Good. Thanks for asking.”

  Tired of this awkward exchange, I dive in head first. “Let’s just focus on why you’re here. I’m sure the new Mrs. O’ Neill isn’t fond of you being here with you ex-wife and estranged son. So tell me what it is you want, and you can get on back home.”

  “I came because your mom never removed me as her primary contact, but mostly because I thought you would be here and there are things that need to be said.”

  “After all this time? You think now is going to make any difference?” I don’t bother to lessen the hostility in my voice.

  He sighs, leaning forward, and for the first time I can see honest regret in his eyes. “I never meant to hurt you, or your mother. Nor did I think she would fall off the wagon like she did. Shortly after you were born, your mom struggled with depression and turned to prescription pills. She got help, and had been sober for almost a decade.

  “We had troubles in our marriage from early on. You were born before we got married, you know that, and we tried to make it work for your sake. However, when you were twelve something happened that year that changed everything.”