Make a Christmas Wish

by Julia Williams

  ‘Joe,’ I call up the stairs. He must have gone to his room. There’s no answer. So I call again. Still no response. Upstairs, there’s no sign of him. I suddenly get a bad feeling about this. When he was younger, Joe used to have a habit of disappearing when he was upset but I don’t think he’s done it recently.

  Back in the kitchen, I find Adam with his head in his hands.

  ‘Adam? Did Joe say he was going out?’

  Adam looks up alarmed.

  ‘No. Why? Isn’t he in his room?’

  ‘No, and his mobile is on the lounge table.’

  I am starting to feel a sliver of panic, which I try to suppress.

  We search the house again, but Joe is nowhere to be found. It’s snowing outside, and he’s left his jacket hanging on the peg.

  ‘Shit,’ says Adam, ‘he’s gone walkabout.’

  It’s something Joe does periodically, if he’s upset.

  ‘What if he overheard our conversation?’ asks Adam.

  ‘He can’t have!’ I blanch, though the thought has occurred to me too. I’d got carried away in the heat of the moment, I hadn’t meant for Joe to hear us. ‘Maybe he’s gone to see this Caroline girl.’

  ‘And more likely he’s done a runner,’ says Adam. ‘This is your fault.’

  ‘Hello,’ I say, ‘I’m not the one who had an affair.’

  ‘No, you’re not responsible for any of this are you?’ says Adam and I’m taken aback by his bitterness. ‘Didn’t you learn anything being dead?’

  Adam tries Caroline’s number, but she hasn’t heard from Joe today.

  ‘He can’t have gone far,’ I say. The panic is beginning to bubble up now, but I don’t want to let Adam see it. ‘Let’s look for him.’

  We leave the house barely speaking. The snow is falling thick and fast, but we can see Joe’s footsteps on the path, heading left into town. Not knowing what else to do, we follow them.

  We walk through the streets, which are quiet. People have finished late-night shopping and are on their way home. Any revellers are in the pub, or getting geared up for Christmas, like most normal people at this time of the year. More than anything I want us to be normal people again. And from having felt triumphant, now I’m feeling sick with apprehension. If something has happened to Joe and it’s my fault, I shall never forgive myself.

  After half an hour of fruitlessly wandering the streets, we both stop, and Adam says, ‘Now what?’

  We consider the pool, Joe likes to swim to de-stress, but he hasn’t taken his swimming stuff. And then Adam’s phone rings.

  ‘Emily?’ he says. ‘This isn’t a good time.’ Followed by, ‘Joe’s with you, oh thank God.’

  Emily

  Emily had just been considering getting into the bath when there was a ring at the door. It had gone 8 p.m. Who could be coming to see her at this time? Her heart leaped. Could it possibly be Adam?

  But it wasn’t Adam. It was Joe. He wasn’t wearing a coat and he looked bedraggled and freezing.

  ‘Joe? What are you doing here?’

  ‘I want to ask you a question,’ Joe said.

  ‘Does your dad know you’re here?’ Emily said, knowing how worried Adam would be.

  ‘No, please don’t tell him,’ said Joe. ‘I only want to ask this one thing and then I’ll go.’

  ‘All right, fire away. But don’t you want to come in? You’re soaking wet.’ The least Emily felt she could do was try and look after Joe. Maybe if she got him inside she could persuade him to ring Adam.

  ‘Oh.’ Joe looked surprised, as if he hadn’t noticed. ‘I don’t want to come in.’

  ‘Please,’ Emily said, worried now. Joe was shifting anxiously from one leg to another, and his lips were looking blue. ‘I could make you hot chocolate.’

  ‘Hot chocolate is good,’ agreed Joe, and came in. He allowed Emily to give him a towel, and a fleece belonging to Adam that he’d left behind months ago, though Joe muttered something about it being the wrong colour.

  But he refused to sit down and kept pacing up and down the kitchen in agitation.

  ‘What’s this all about, Joe?’ Emily asked. ‘Is it to do with your mum?’

  ‘Yes, and about what I want for Christmas,’ he said.

  ‘OK,’ Emily said cautiously. ‘So what do you want for Christmas?’

  Joe ignored her.

  ‘Mum’s come back. That’s good isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so,’ Emily said.

  ‘When I was little Mum always asked me to make a Christmas wish on a star,’ said Joe, ‘and I’ve made mine tonight.’

  ‘Oh,’ Emily said, having a feeling she knew what that would be.

  ‘My Christmas wish is for Mum to live with us,’ he said. ‘You have to go now. I don’t need a new mum any more.’

  ‘I was never going to take the place of your mum,’ Emily said.

  ‘You and Dad had an affair. Granny said so.’ Joe came out with it starkly. ‘That’s bad.’

  ‘Yes and no,’ said Emily. Shades of grey were something Joe struggled with.

  ‘But you make Dad happy,’ he continued, ‘and that’s good.’

  ‘Yes, it is.’

  ‘People shouldn’t have affairs,’ said Joe. ‘Mum was upset. That’s why she had her accident.’

  ‘I know, Joe, and I’m sorry. I really am. But your mum and dad weren’t happy together for a very long time.’

  ‘Mum wasn’t well,’ said Joe stubbornly.

  ‘I know,’ Emily said carefully. ‘And it was very hard for your dad.’

  ‘But everything’s different now,’ said Joe. ‘Mum is back and she’s well. Dad can love her again and you can leave now. We don’t need you any more. That’s what I want for Christmas.’

  Emily suddenly saw that Joe had been having a logical argument with himself. He hadn’t actually needed her there to have it.

  ‘Oh Joe,’ said Emily, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can leave. I love your dad.’

  ‘But you have to,’ Joe said, and there were tears in his eyes. ‘Mum needs Dad. And I can’t have two mums.’

  Bloody hell. How on earth to deal with this?

  ‘Joe, I think we should ring your dad now,’ Emily said. She had no idea what else to do.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ said Joe.

  ‘He’ll be worried,’ said Emily. ‘And so will your mum, and I don’t think you want to worry them, do you, Joe?’

  ‘No,’ he agreed reluctantly.

  ‘I’ll get him to come and pick you up. And then you and your mum and dad can go home and have a chat about everything.’

  It was the last thing Emily wanted to happen, but Joe needed the support more than she did.

  ‘And Mum will stay and you’ll leave?’ said Joe. ‘Because if you don’t, Mum will be gone for good.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She’s only got until Christmas Eve to get Dad back,’ said Joe. ‘She told me when we were out today. If you don’t leave, Mum will be gone again. And this time forever.’

  Joe’s Notebook

  This is bad.

  Dad and Emily had an affair.

  Mum found out then she died.

  This is very bad.

  But I like Emily.

  She isn’t bad.

  She’s nice. Dad likes her.

  And Mum is back.

  This is good.

  I can’t have two mums.

  Emily has to leave.

  Christmas Future

  Livvy

  ‘That was clever,’ says Malachi as Adam, Joe and I make our way up the garden path.

  ‘Shh! They’ll hear you.’ I am feeling rotten about what happened with Joe, and I don’t want Malachi saying I told you so.

  ‘Nah, they won’t,’ says Malachi. ‘Haven’t you noticed how well I can manipulate time?’

  And then I’m back in another of his visions. Malachi’s nothing if not persistent.

  ‘Why are you doing this?’ I say. ‘Do you believe in tor
ture?’

  ‘I’m trying to get you to understand. If you were quicker and less self-obsessed we’d be there by now,’ he says impatiently.

  This time we’re in a large house, different from the one I share with Adam. It’s Christmas Day and Adam is there in a shiny new kitchen, cooking a turkey. His parents are sitting at the enormous kitchen table, chatting to Joe and Caroline. Joe looks older, and they both look very happy. Caroline’s proudly showing off an engagement ring. Joe’s going to get married? That at least is something I can celebrate. I never thought that would happen for Joe. I wish I knew her to tell her how grateful I am for the joy she’s brought him.

  But then Emily walks in, holding a wriggling toddler in her arms. ‘Look who’s just woken up,’ she says. She’s heavily pregnant, and Adam puts a protective hand on her stomach. She kisses Adam, and he ruffles the head of the little boy she’s holding. A shot of hot jealousy streaks through me. I can remember Adam doing that to Joe. We were going to have the big family together and that never happened. I will not allow him to have this future with Emily.

  I jerk away.

  ‘No,’ I say to Malachi. ‘This is not how it’s meant to be.’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Two Days till Christmas

  Emily

  After Joe, Livvy and Adam had left, Emily poured herself a stiff drink and stared at the Christmas tree, whose sparkling white lights seemed to be mocking her. She had looked forward to this Christmas as an opportunity to put the past behind them; for her and Adam to take their first steps together in their new life. To think that a short few weeks ago, she had imagined she and Adam would be living together. Now their plans lay in ruins.

  Emily took herself to bed sadly, but sleep wouldn’t come. She tossed and turned all night trying to decide what she should do.

  If it was just a question of Livvy having Adam, Emily would tell her to piss off. But because of Joe she couldn’t. Emily had never seen him act the way he had tonight. Even when Livvy died, he had barely shed a tear.

  Emily stared into the darkness, knowing that it wasn’t personal. Joe liked her, she was sure of that, but to him she’d been a new mum, welcome while the old one was dead. Now his actual mum was miraculously alive again, Joe had no need for Emily. For him, it was a perfectly sensible conclusion.

  She loved Adam with all her heart and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. But if Joe didn’t want her there, she knew Adam could never be happy. Joe had to come first.

  Emily was awake so long, she ended up watching a steely dawn break over the snowy rooftops. The world looked cold and lonely as she stared out at it; she felt more alone than she ever had in her entire life. But as a pale sun rose in the sky she’d made her decision. With a heavy heart, she picked up the phone to her dad. It was early but she knew he’d be up.

  ‘Dad?’ she said, a catch in her voice – how did she begin to tell him this particular story? ‘There’s been a change of plan. Can I come and spend Christmas with you?’

  ‘Is everything all right?’ He was instantly solicitous.

  ‘Not really,’ she said. ‘I’ll explain when I get to you. Are you sure it’s OK for me to come?’

  ‘Of course it is,’ Dad said.

  ‘And I won’t be cramping your style?’ Emily had lost track of which of his lady friends Dad would be seeing on the day.

  ‘Ah, actually, you have me there.’ Dad sounded a bit crestfallen. ‘I’ve been blown out, can you believe it?’

  Emily laughed. ‘So we can be miserable together then,’ she said.

  ‘I won’t be miserable if you’re there, sweetheart,’ said Dad, which nearly made her howl.

  Once she had put the phone down she spent a couple of fruitless hours on the internet looking for a cheap train ticket. This late in the day, it was going to be damned difficult. Ideally she’d have liked to buy a ticket for today, but there weren’t any to be had. It would cost her a fortune, but at least Dad would be glad she was there.

  After Emily had booked her ticket, she felt a bit better. Even if it wasn’t what she’d wanted, at least she’d made her decision.

  Then, knowing it was his last day in the office, Emily texted Adam.

  Lunch? she suggested. She had to talk to Adam and she wanted it to be somewhere neutral away from Joe and Livvy.

  12.30? The text came pinging back. No kisses. Adam always sent kisses in his texts. Joe must have told him what he was after.

  Followed by a You OK?

  No, Emily wasn’t. Her heart was breaking. She was planning to walk away from the love of her life, and she didn’t think she’d ever be OK again.

  Livvy

  Adam is still not speaking to me after last night. According to him, it is my fault that Joe went off like that. It is on the tip of my tongue to say if Adam had only behaved himself, then Joe wouldn’t have learned his dad was a cheat. But I don’t think there’s any point having a row about it.

  Joe is monosyllabic on the way home. He just mutters something about needing to talk to Caroline, and then goes to shower off. Adam and I look at one another in concern. How on earth is all this affecting him?

  But when he comes down to say goodnight, he gives me an awkward hug, and says, ‘I like you being back, Mum.’

  ‘I like being back,’ I say.

  ‘You will stay now won’t you?’ he says. And my heart lurches. I want to say yes, but I’m anxious that Adam is never going to agree to it, and I’ve only got two days left to persuade him.

  ‘If I can,’ I say lightly. ‘It’s up to your dad.’

  ‘Dad?’ says Joe, and the look of hope in his eyes makes my heart contract. For the first time, I wonder about the wisdom of what I’m doing. I was so sure that I would find a way of making it work. But what happens if Adam doesn’t give us both what we want? Where will that leave Joe then? Will I have made things worse for him? I kill the thought; I can’t let it take hold of me, or I won’t be able to do this.

  Adam gives me a look, which I interpret as, Thanks for nothing, but just says, ‘We’ll see,’ which seems to be enough for now.

  When we’re alone, he says, ‘I hope you’re satisfied.’

  ‘Not really,’ I say, and I mean it. That wasn’t what I had intended at all. ‘I didn’t mean for tonight to happen. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I know,’ says Adam sadly. ‘You usually are. You can sleep in the spare room tonight. I’ll find you a towel and toothbrush.’

  He doesn’t even give me a kiss goodnight, but just leaves me to it.

  And that’s it. Our first night together under the same roof, and we’re further apart than ever.

  Adam

  I’m having a manic last morning at work, which to be honest is a relief. It means I can stop thinking about the godawful mess my life is in, or the ominous text that Emily has sent me. There is only one thing to talk about. And I don’t know how to resolve it and keep us all happy.

  Joe clearly wants Livvy and me to get back together. Livvy clearly wants the same. And I … don’t. If I stay with Emily, Joe gets hurt. If I stay with Livvy, Emily does. No one can come out of this completely happy, apart perhaps from Joe. How my sins have come back to haunt me.

  Emily and I meet up in our favourite café, by the river, overlooking the Christmas market. There’s still snow on the ground and the streets are bustling with cheerful shoppers. Inside the café, Christmas music is blaring out, and there’s a light-heartedness among the clientele that we’re not sharing. It’s two days before Christmas and my life is turning to dust.

  I kiss Emily as she comes to the table with a latte, and try not to notice that she slightly pulls away. Not a good start.

  ‘So,’ I say.

  ‘So,’ says Emily. She looks tired, and has clearly been crying. She twists a paper napkin in her hand, looking so sad it breaks my heart.

  ‘We’re in a pickle aren’t we?’ She gives a small taut smile.

  ‘That’s one way of putting it,’ I say.

 
‘Adam.’ She rubs her eyes, which are red. I’d rather be anywhere than here right now, having this conversation. ‘I’ve been up half the night worrying.’

  ‘Me too,’ I say.

  There’s an ominous pause.

  ‘There is no good way out of this,’ she says. ‘But when Joe came to see me he asked me for one thing for Christmas.’

  ‘Which is?’ My heart is sinking. Please don’t say it, I think, please.

  ‘I have to go, Adam.’ Her voice cracks, but she waves away my attempt to hold her hand. ‘Joe wants you to be a family again, and we owe it to him to give him that chance.’

  ‘Oh Emily,’ I say. She’s made the decision for me, one I am too cowardly to make myself. And yet I know she’s right.

  ‘So,’ Emily says, wiping her eyes and pulling herself together. ‘I’ve booked a train for Christmas Eve to Dad’s. Don’t try to stop me or I won’t be able to do this.’

  And she gets up and walks out of my life. I feel like my world has shattered into pieces.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Livvy

  Adam has gone to work, and Joe is seeing Caroline, so I’m alone in the house for the first time. It’s nice being back here properly, with a body to wander around the house in, and remind myself of why I love it so much. It was my haven while I recovered from the miscarriages that nearly broke me before Joe came along. And in the early days of our marriage, the place I felt happiest. But oh, dear God, the mess two men living alone make. I decide I will clean up for Adam. It’s clear Emily hasn’t bothered.

  Having cleaned the kitchen floor, and cupboards, I move on to the bathroom where I spend ages scrubbing the bath. Has Adam even cleaned it once in the last year? It doesn’t look like it. After a couple of hours, I am bored rigid. I had forgotten how mind-numbingly tedious housework could be. No wonder I turned to drink. In desperate need of something interesting to do, I wander back downstairs to make a cup of tea and admire my handiwork in the kitchen, wondering what to do next.