Make a Christmas Wish

by Julia Williams

  ‘So the point of this is?’ I ask Malachi, who’s looking abominably cheerful.

  ‘To show you the world keeps turning without you,’ says Malachi. ‘It’s not all about you, you know.’

  And he wafts off in that annoying way he has, flicking his tail. And I’m back in Underworld again, wondering if I’m really on the right track.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  December 23rd

  Emily

  Two days before Christmas, and Emily was at the loosest of loose ends.

  There was a text from Lucy: You still on for drinks tonight?

  Oh shit, Emily had completely forgotten Lucy’s annual Christmas drinks party. There’d been many a year Emily had stumbled out of Lucy’s house worse for wear after a rollicking good evening. In pre-Adam, post-Graham days, Emily would have been the first one knocking on the door. But this year she certainly didn’t feel like going.

  Emily still hadn’t told Lucy exactly what had been going on; it sounded way too nuts – it was way too nuts. Besides, Emily knew she wouldn’t be able to talk to Lucy about Adam without blubbing, and she needed to hold herself together till she left. Emily looked at the text again. She really didn’t want to spend the evening in a happy house, full of bonhomie and good cheer, but she sure as hell didn’t want to stay here staring at four walls and feeling damned sorry for herself either. So she texted back, Sure, looking forward to it.

  She roused herself from her misery, and got glammed up to go out. And temporarily, the putting on of warpaint and sparkly nail polish did make her feel a bit better. Oh well, Emily thought as she tried on a succession of outfits, I may as well get ratted tonight. Maybe it was even time to start project Get Adam Out of her Head and attempt to pull.

  In truth that was unlikely to happen at Lucy’s drinks party, where most of the men were taken and those that weren’t were desperate. And really, she knew as she applied bright scarlet lipstick to give her courage, she was no more likely to attempt to pull than fly to the moon. She just wanted Adam – the one person she couldn’t have.

  Still, it was good to get out of the flat and better than sitting round moping for the evening. For about half an hour it even felt fun to go and have drinks with semi-strangers, and smile and sparkle, and say, ‘Yes, really looking forward to Christmas, and you?’ pretending her life was brilliant and happy, and not the hideous parallel universe she had been inhabiting since Livvy arrived home.

  Luckily Lucy didn’t have time to chat, or she’d have noticed something wrong. But much to Emily’s relief she was too busy playing the cheerful hostess to ask awkward questions. Even so, the longer Emily stayed, the worse she felt. She envied her friend her happy home life. An unwelcome stab of jealousy overcame her and she decided she had to leave. She didn’t want to become bitter like Livvy.

  So with a flurry of air kisses and ‘Merry Christmases’ and a slightly disappointed, ‘Oh can’t you stay longer?’ from Lucy, Emily fled into the night. She’d drunk more than she’d intended to and the effects hit her as soon as she walked into the cold. Knowing it was foolish, but unable to stop herself, she felt she had to go to Adam’s house one last time. Emily had no intention of knocking on the door, but she just wanted to stand there quietly saying goodbye to the man and the place she loved.

  When she arrived, the temptation to ring on the doorbell was overwhelming, but Emily knew she had to resist it. If she saw Adam now all her resolve would melt away. Instead she stood in the snow, looking at the pretty little house she had thought was going to be her home, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  The front door opened – shit, that was the last thing Emily wanted – she couldn’t face Adam now. But it wasn’t Adam, it was Joe putting the rubbish out, and despite Emily’s attempt to shrink back into the shadows, he spotted her.

  ‘Emily,’ said Joe as if he’d been expecting to see her. ‘Dad says you’d gone away.’

  ‘Tomorrow,’ Emily said. ‘I’m going tomorrow.’

  ‘But you will be back?’ Joe said.

  ‘No, Joe, I don’t think I will,’ Emily said.

  ‘Can’t we be friends any more?’ He looked crestfallen.

  ‘I will always be your friend, Joe, but I have to go away, and it’s better for everyone if I don’t come back.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Joe. ‘Is this because of Mum?’

  ‘Yes,’ Emily said, ‘I’m afraid it is.’

  ‘You look sad,’ said Joe.

  ‘I am sad,’ said Emily, ‘but I’ll get over it.’

  ‘Shall I get Dad?’ Joe said. ‘He’s sad too.’

  ‘Better not,’ Emily said. ‘’Bye Joe. Have a lovely Christmas.’

  ‘Thank you for my Christmas present,’ said Joe, and that finished Emily off. She stumbled into the night before she could change her mind.

  Livvy

  I am picking my way through the crowd to find Letitia. It’s weird being in here, now I’m solid again. Everyone else seems ethereal, and when they pass me, I get a shock of cold. Is this what it was like for Adam and Joe when I came close to them? I find it slightly unnerving. There are so many people here tonight, the cold shocks keep coming, and after a while they make me feel faintly sick. I’m also starting to panic. No one seems to have seen Letitia tonight. What if she’s vanished completely? How will I get any answers then?

  I finally track her down in another back room – this place is a warren, and much bigger than I had realized. She’s sitting at a table, drinking rum. I suddenly feel a bit stupid. I’ve taken her potion without asking any obvious questions, so focused on getting back to Adam I didn’t think about anything else.

  ‘Hey girl, look at you!’ she says in a drawl. ‘Looking good, girl, looking good.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘You too.’

  ‘So what can I do for you?’ she asks, giving me a shrewd look. ‘You have the air of a lady looking for answers.’

  ‘I am rather,’ I say. I sit down. ‘It’s just … well, I didn’t really ask. What actually happens if I don’t succeed, and Adam doesn’t fall back in love me by Christmas Eve?’

  ‘You should have asked that first.’

  ‘I know, I’m an idiot,’ I say. ‘Well?’

  She shrugs. ‘You get to stay here, with us.’

  ‘What, forever?’

  ‘Pretty much,’ she says. ‘You’ve got one shot to sort your life and death out. You fail, that’s your problem.’

  ‘But that’s outrageous!’ I say. ‘You should have warned me. I might not have done it.’

  ‘If you remember, I did warn you. But did you listen?’ I don’t answer, and she smiles silkily.

  She has me there. I’d have probably glossed over that bit and gone ahead anyway. Letitia shrugs her shoulders. ‘No one ever does.’

  ‘So what do I do?’ I say. ‘Adam doesn’t seem too happy to have me back.’ ‘You’d better go and win him over then,’ is Letitia’s unhelpful response. ‘You’ve got till midnight tomorrow night.’

  She dismisses me as if I’m of no concern, and I walk away from her in a daze. Bugger, bugger, bugger. I am seriously rattled and in strong need of a drink.

  ‘Can I still drink your shots, like this?’ I ask DJ Steve, who I find propping up the bar.

  ‘Technically, you’re still dead,’ says Steve, ‘so I guess so. You’re welcome to try.’

  I have a vodka and Coke to see how it goes. It doesn’t feel as if I’ve drunk anything, but there’s a burning sensation in my throat and I get a heady rush. That’ll do.

  ‘I’ll have another, please.’

  ‘Being alive that good, huh?’

  ‘Better,’ I say, thinking of how unhappy I’ve made Adam. ‘Why didn’t you tell me I could get stuck here?’

  ‘You never asked.’ Steve shrugs. ‘Another?’

  I know I shouldn’t, but I’m not ready to face Adam just yet. One more drink can’t do any harm.

  Adam

  ‘I’ve just seen Emily,’ Joe tells me, when he comes in from puttin
g the bins out, as if it is only of passing consequence. ‘She said Happy Christmas.’

  ‘What?’ I leap up. ‘Where is she now?’

  ‘Gone,’ says Joe.

  I run to the front door, but there’s no sign of her. Just an empty street and softly falling snow. I could cry from frustration. If I’d had a chance to speak to her, I wouldn’t have been able to let her go. Sod the consequences.

  ‘What did she say?’ I ask.

  ‘That she’s going away. I think she’s sad.’

  ‘I know she is,’ I say.

  ‘You’re sad too aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, Joe, I am.’ To put it mildly.

  ‘Emily says we won’t see her any more.’ He looks thoughtful, as if he is trying to puzzle something out.

  ‘No, we won’t,’ I say.

  ‘That makes me sad,’ says Joe. ‘It’s because of Mum, isn’t it?’

  ‘What’s because of Mum?’ Suddenly a whirlwind pours into the room, in the shape of Livvy, but I get the impression she isn’t alone. Someone I can’t see bumps into me, and a lamp goes crashing to the floor.

  ‘It’s Christmas,’ Livvy hiccups, ‘so I brought some friends home.’

  ‘Dead friends?’ I say. Dead friends who’ve just ramped the volume on the CD up high and are playing Mariah Carey at a thousand decibels.

  ‘They might be.’ Livvy squints at me. ‘’S that a problem?’

  ‘You’re drunk,’ I say flatly.

  ‘Oh come on, Adam, live a little. I am, ha, that’s funny.’ She staggers about the place. ‘I used to be dead and now I’m not, I’m celebrating.’

  She puts her arms around me, though I try to pull away.

  ‘All I want for Christmas is you,’ she purrs. ‘Don’t be such a spoilsport. Everyone gets a little drunk at Christmas.’

  ‘You always do,’ says Joe.

  ‘Joe, that’s unkind,’ says Livvy, peering drunkenly at him.

  ‘It’s true, Mum. You always drink. And then you get drunk. And then you fall asleep, and forget about me.’

  ‘I don’t,’ she says. ‘Don’t be silly. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying yourself.’

  ‘Except the way you do it,’ says Joe. He looks so upset to see his mum like this, I’m furious. She’s only been back a day and already she’s reverting to type.

  ‘You really are the most selfish person I know, Livvy,’ I spit out. ‘Why the hell did you come back and ruin our lives?’

  ‘But, darlings,’ she says. ‘I’m so happy to see you both.’

  She bursts into tears and Joe allows himself to be hugged by her, but he looks so uncomfortable, I could throttle her.

  ‘Right, I want your friends out of here, now!’ I say, as the chandelier starts swaying ominously and doors bang randomly round the house. Lights keep flashing on and off, and there’s clearly an argument going on about the music as someone has switched to the Stone Roses. How on earth am I going to get them all out of here?

  ‘OK, folks, you heard the man, party’s over,’ Livvy says. ‘Happy Christmas.’

  To my surprise they take notice, the front door blows open, there’s a whirl of activity, and then it slams shut and Livvy is the only one left.

  ‘All alone with my two lovely boys.’ Livvy grins beatifically, her earlier tears forgotten. ‘It’s going to be the best Christmas ever.’

  Then she slides gracelessly and drunkenly to the floor.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Emily

  Emily was booked on the 7 p.m. train that evening to Rugby. Dad lived in a village not too far away, and had promised to pick her up from the station. It was the cheapest train Emily could get at short notice, and she was deeply regretting her choice. It meant she had the whole day sitting staring at her empty flat. She didn’t think she could stand it.

  Or the fact that Adam kept ringing her even though he’d promised not to.

  In the end Emily switched her phone off.

  She had to get out of the flat, where the walls were pressing in too much, so she went for a walk and wandered the streets, going to favourite spots that Adam and she had been to together. One of their favourite places had been the river; Emily walked down to the towpath which led to a park where they often had picnic lunches in the summer.

  It was freezing today and there weren’t many people about; most normal people would be out celebrating or getting ready for tomorrow. There were still patches of snow on the ground, and the greyness of the sky was threatening more. Emily tried hard to summon up a picture of what it looked like here on a sunny day and failed miserably: a metaphor for her life.

  She even went to the leisure centre. If she hadn’t taken up swimming she’d never have met Adam. Was she sorry that she had? Right now, Emily was so heartsick, she wasn’t sure whether it had been worth the pain. All she knew was that she was never, ever going to get over Adam.

  As she walked back to town she spotted a black cat following her. She felt sure she’d seen it before. There were lots of strays around here, but this one was behaving oddly. It kept running across Emily’s path, as if it was trying to tell her something.

  It seemed to want to lead Emily to one of the many riverside cafés – typical that it would be one she and Adam were particularly fond of as it had a lovely view of the bend in the river, and in the summer you could watch the rowers going past. Part of her didn’t want to go in and be reminded of such good times. But Emily was cold and miserable, and the cat seemed incredibly persistent. Suddenly it seemed like a good idea. She bought herself an Americano and went towards the table she and Adam had always used to sit at.

  When she got to the table there was someone sitting there already, the last person she wanted to see.

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ she said. Her final day here, and someone was playing a huge joke on her.

  ‘Livvy, what the hell are you doing here?’ Emily said.

  Livvy

  I had to leave the house this morning. I’m in disgrace and Adam and Joe aren’t speaking to me. Why do I always do this to myself? It’s like I’ve got a self-destruct button. Here I am with my lucky break second chance, and I’m stuffing it all up again.

  ‘Aha, at last, the penny drops,’ Malachi leaps up on the fence next to me, looking smug as ever.

  Just what I want.

  ‘There’s no need to crow,’ I say.

  ‘I have to get my kicks somehow,’ says Malachi.

  ‘What do you want now?’ I say wearily, I’m fed up of him following me around and telling me what to do.

  ‘Go to the river café and find out,’ he says, jumping off the fence and vanishing. I’m still disconcerted by him doing that.

  I look around me. I’ve got no money, I’m wearing Adam’s borrowed clothes. Apparently he took all mine to the charity shop. You don’t imagine that when you come back from the dead – that you won’t have any clothes to wear. In fact there’s a lot about coming back to life again that I hadn’t factored in: I was here with no identity, since officially I’m still dead. If I did manage to get Adam back how on earth would we work that out? Knowing my luck I’d end up in jail for fraud like that canoe man.

  Rooting around in his pockets, I scrabble together a fiver in coins. I’ve got nothing else to do, so I go to the café, get myself a latte and sit at a table by the window.

  I’ve been there for about five minutes when I hear a voice I recognize instantly say, ‘Livvy?’, and Emily is standing before me. She looks gorgeous and young and vibrant. I haven’t really twigged it till this moment. I’m nearly forty and she can only be in her early thirties. She can offer Adam so much more than I can, no wonder Adam chose her over me. My dreams of a happy reunion are all slipping away.

  ‘Oh, it’s you,’ I say. Thanks a bunch, Malachi.

  ‘Can I sit down?’ she says.

  I nod ungraciously.

  ‘I wanted you to know I’m going away,’ she tells me.

  ‘I know, to see your dad for Christmas.’

&nb
sp; ‘No, I’m moving for good,’ says Emily. ‘I’m going to sell my flat and go and live somewhere else.’

  ‘Really?’ I say, thinking, result. ‘Can I ask why?’ I’m surprised, I thought she’d fight harder for Adam. I would if I were her.

  ‘Why do you think?’ Emily says. ‘For Joe of course. He wants you back, I can’t stand in your way.’

  Oh, that’s not what I’m expecting. She’s putting Joe before her own needs. I feel a prickle of guilt. That’s what I should be doing, I’m his mother. Have I though? I’ve been so caught up in what I want, I’ve assumed Joe wants the same. Suppose he doesn’t?

  Emily sits and toys with her coffee.

  ‘So you got what you want,’ she says. ‘You won. And I lost. You get to keep Adam after all.’

  Right now, it doesn’t feel much like a victory. I have a gnawing sense of guilt that my success has come at a huge personal price for Emily. She looks so unhappy and lost. Have I really done this to her? She doesn’t deserve this, any more than I deserved to die. I try to dismiss the feeling, and remind myself she’s the enemy.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘I hope you have a lovely Christmas.’

  ‘Yeah,’ says Emily, ‘I bet you do.’

  She gets up to go. ‘Try and deserve them, won’t you?’ she says. And then she leaves. I try to tell myself I’ve got what I want, that I’ve finally succeeded, but it feels hollow and empty.

  ‘Got it in one.’ The dark-haired woman who took my place at the seance has appeared from nowhere.

  ‘Sorry?’ I say. It’s creepy having someone read your thoughts. I feel a bit of a pang as I think how often I did it to Adam when he was a ghost.

  ‘You’ve been looking at this upside down,’ says the ghost. ‘But I think you know that now, don’t you?’

  ‘Who are you?’ I ask.

  ‘Can’t you guess?’ she says. ‘I’ve been hanging around too, but I needed to make sure my husband and daughter were settled. That’s what we do for the people we love. It’s a sacrifice, and it takes courage, but it’s what we must do in the end.’