Between a Book and a Hard Place

by Denise Swanson

  CHAPTER 2

  Mentally slapping myself for my paranoia, I quickly texted Jake that I understood, then vowed not to think about him or his ex-wife any more tonight. Instead, I would pay attention to the meeting and support my friend Boone’s cause, whatever it turned out to be.

  Boone had been secretive about the matter, and the agenda item had read “philanthropic donation to the town,” so I had no idea what I was there to back. At least it looked as if Boone and Noah were on the same side, which made things a lot easier for me. I hated it when I had to choose between them.

  The mayor finally shut up and allowed the guy trying to open the rooming house to have his say. When the man finished, the mayor asked for questions from the audience. Those who raised their hands mentioned lack of parking and the probability of increased criminal activity as reasons not to change the zoning.

  There was a long pause, and when no one stood to speak, I thought the city council would vote. But before the mayor could call the question, Harlee Ames rose to her feet. I found Harlee refreshingly levelheaded and was interested to hear her views on the rooming-house issue.

  She had recently retired from the armed services, moved back to Shadow Bend, and opened Forever Used, an upscale consignment shop. We’d gotten off to a rocky start during the July Fourth cupcake contest weekend, but once she’d come clean about her past and cleared up my suspicions, we’d become friends.

  Like Devereaux’s Dime Store, Forever Used was located on the town square and might suffer a loss of customers if the tenor of the quaint downtown area changed. Her business was especially vulnerable since it catered to a more affluent clientele than mine.

  Harlee slowly scanned the city council members, then cleared her throat and said, “My concern is that people who end up in rooming houses are usually low-income folks. Often they depend on public assistance. Because they lack resources, they frequently have difficulty taking care of themselves. They run out of food and other essentials, and this hinders their ability to function in general.”

  The man proposing the boarding house stuttered an objection.

  Harlee stared at him until he stopped speaking, then asked, “Are you prepared to help these types of people? Because currently, Shadow Bend doesn’t have any means to deal with them.”

  The man clearly had no response. His mouth moved, but no words came out.

  Harlee nodded, as if that was exactly the reaction she’d expected, and sat back down.

  Immediately, Winnie Todd jumped up, pointed her finger at Harlee, and said, “Which is a crying shame. We are in dire need of programs to help the residentially challenged. We can’t just bury our heads and pretend the less fortunate don’t exist.”

  Winnie’s stance wasn’t exactly surprising considering that she had come of age in the sixties. Certainly, her wardrobe still looked as if she were living in Haight-Ashbury. Tonight she had on a paisley maxi dress, a fringed suede vest, and leather toe-strap sandals.

  Harlee gave Winnie a cool up-and-down glance, then lifted her chin and said, “I wasn’t suggesting that we ignore anyone. Just that we need to be prepared if we invite them into our community.”

  Winnie frowned and threw open her arms. “Lack of preparation is just an excuse to exclude the needy from our town.”

  “That kind of disorganized thinking helps no one.” Harlee began to tick items off her fingers. “We’ll need a fully operational food bank, donated clothing, and enough medical personnel to handle the health problems many of the poor battle.”

  Winnie sputtered an incoherent protest, but while she attempted to voice an objection, Mayor Eggers pounded his gavel and declared, “As there are no further questions, the floor is closed.” He turned to the city council members and said, “All in favor of rezoning to permit a rooming house within the Shadow Bend city limits?”

  Silence.

  “All opposed?”

  Six voices rang out.

  “Reclassification is denied.”

  With that, two-thirds of the audience got up and left the room. I noticed that the majority of the people who left were the folks who had relocated to our area and built their McMansions on the cheap land. The ones still seated were mostly the locals—farmers, ranchers, and factory workers who had lived in or around Shadow Bend all their lives. As usual, a huge chasm separated the two groups.

  Just the other day, on my drive from home into town, I had noticed a new sign posted in front of a field. The notice read, THIS IS A FARM. IT CONTAINS ANIMALS THAT MAKE NOISE, PRODUCE FOUL ODORS, AND DON’T CARE WHO WATCHES WHILE THEY HAVE SEX. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS TYPE OF ATMOSPHERE, DON’T BUILD YOUR HOUSE NEXT TO THIS PROPERTY.

  While I brooded about the rift splitting our town into haves and have-nots, a familiar voice broke into my thoughts. “Now that we’ve settled the issue of the poor moving into our town, can we talk about the extraterrestrial parasites that have begun to colonize Shadow Bend, infesting our children and using them as hosts for their own spawn?”

  For a minute I thought we were all being punked, but the look on Nadine Underwood’s face was deadly serious. Just when I thought she had hit an all-time low, the woman always managed to dig a little deeper.

  I stared at Nadine as her health aide shot to his feet and tried to tug her back into her seat. She shook him off, then deliberately straightened the cuffs of her stunning Marc Jacobs white tux jacket. Her black linen slacks ended just above her still trim ankles and showcased her gorgeous Jimmy Choo Allure pumps.

  Noah groaned and half stood. Evidently, he was trying to decide whether interceding would help matters or cause more of a scene.

  As I watched, I saw Nadine’s face rearrange itself into a scary semblance of a smile while her clawlike hand caressed Mr. Eye Candy’s butt. Considering the aide was in his twenties and she was in her early seventies—she had been over forty when she’d finally produced an Underwood heir—I found her behavior a bit off-putting. Then again, no one would look twice if an older man flirted with a woman less than half his age, so I tried not to judge her too harshly—at least not on that issue.

  No one had responded to Nadine’s initial statement, and she pointed a bony finger at Mayor Egger and snapped, “Close your mouth, Geoffrey, and tell us what you’re going to do about the aliens taking over the bodies of Shadow Bend’s most precious resource.”

  Listening to Nadine’s delusional rant about an invasion from outer space, I revised my opinion of her illness. Up until now, I had suspected that she was exaggerating her ailments to get her son’s attention off of me and back on her, but now I wasn’t so sure.

  Her check engine light had been on for years. And I’d always thought that her motor needed fine-tuning. But tonight’s performance proved that she required a major overhaul rather than a minor adjustment. Excessive good sense had never been a requirement for Shadow Bend’s high society, but Nadine was pushing that tolerance limit.

  Poor Noah. His handsome face was flushed, and he looked as if he wished the floor of the meeting room would crack open and he could escape into the hole.

  While I couldn’t help but feel bad for him, Nadine had been a thorn in my family’s side for a long time. When my father had been under investigation for bank fraud, then convicted of manslaughter and possession of a controlled substance, she had blackmailed her son into dumping me.

  Noah had recently disclosed that if he hadn’t broken up with me, Nadine, as a member of the bank’s board of directors, had threatened to involve Birdie in the embezzlement investigation. What a choice to give a sixteen-year-old boy—keep your girlfriend or save her grandmother.

  Then a few months ago, when my father’s innocence was proven and he’d gotten out of prison, I had finally discovered why Nadine hated my family so much. Birdie had revealed that although Nadine was many years older than Dad, they had dated, but when he chose my mother over her, she’d sworn vengeance on him and
his descendants.

  And anyone who doesn’t believe feuds can last that long has never lived in a small town. Or dealt with a scorned grande dame.

  Nadine’s current fall from grace, and apparent loss of sanity, was delightfully karmic.

  CHAPTER 3

  Evidently, Noah decided that it was time for some damage control. He’d been sitting behind the conference table in the front of the room with the other city council members, but when Nadine’s tirade continued, he reluctantly rose and walked to where she was standing.

  Taking Nadine’s arm, he attempted to usher her out of the area, but she wasn’t cooperating. As he tugged her down the aisle, her voice rose and she continued to harangue the mayor about pod people.

  The usually sleek, elegant, and aristocratic Dr. Noah Underwood was clearly ruffled by his mother’s antics. When she stopped next to my row, leaned across Ronni, and poked me in the shoulder with her finger, I was afraid Noah was about to burst a blood vessel.

  Nadine had never suffered from insanity—she’d always enjoyed every minute of it—and while her full maniacal attention was riveted on me, she didn’t appear to notice that her only son was about to go into cardiac arrest.

  Stabbing me repeatedly with her talonlike nail, she screeched, “Don’t think I’m unaware that you and your family are collaborating with the enemy. My and my late husband’s great-great-great-grandfathers may not have been able to substantiate that the Sinclairs were jayhawkers, but I’ll prove that you all are harboring aliens.”

  “Seriously?” I hadn’t heard that my people had been Union sympathizers. Was that all in Nadine’s fevered imagination? Or was that why Gran had never participated in the Confederate Daughters of Missouri and had been so opposed when my mother signed me up?

  “Socially, your family has burned every bridge in this county!” Nadine shrieked.

  “And we’ve never appreciated a bonfire more.” I refused to be intimidated.

  Hearing several gasps from the people sitting behind me, I shrugged. My day was never complete until I had horrified a roomful of my fellow townsfolk.

  When Nadine jabbed me again, I grabbed her hand and held it away from me. I was all for respecting my elders, but I wasn’t about to allow her to continue to assault me. Noah’s face had turned from ruby to scarlet, and he quickly yanked his mom back from me.

  Putting himself between me and Nadine, Noah bent across poor Ronni, who looked as if she wished she’d let me have the aisle seat, put his lips to my ear, and whispered, “Meet me after we’re through here.”

  “Why?” His warm breath tickled my neck, sending a yee-haw message to my girl parts. Both Jake and Noah could melt off my panties.

  “Because I need to be with you after this fiasco.” Noah’s slate gray eyes conveyed how much his mother’s behavior was taking out of him.

  “Okay.” I glanced at the cell phone in my hand. “I’m suddenly free.”

  “His loss.” Noah grinned widely. Then, with a new determination in his step, he put his arm around his mother and led her toward the door.

  As Noah and Nadine’s aide marched her to the exit, she turned her head and yelled, “Someone needs to check the Sinclairs’ property for spaceships. I’ve heard there were glowing red lights hovering in the sky there every night last week and white flashing lights zooming around in a circle.”

  Nadine had been a teacup short of a place setting for years. But obviously the remaining saucer had cracked beyond repair.

  I rubbed my temples. Gran always claimed that anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If that’s true, by this time I should be able to lift a pickup truck over my head with one arm.

  Noah tightened his grip on Nadine’s shoulder and hurried her out of the room.

  Once she was gone, the audience buzzed for several minutes, and Mayor Eggers had to bang his gavel several times to get the meeting back under control.

  When everyone had quieted down, Hizzoner said, “Next on our agenda is Professor Russell Hinkley, a renowned alientologist from the University of Eastern California. He has requested time to speak to us about the recent sightings above Shadow Bend.”

  The strange-looking man beside me rose to his feet, picked up the cane that had been resting by his side, and as he squeezed past me, he gave me a speculative glance. Terrific! Nadine’s ravings had put my family on this lunatic’s radar. Before we knew it, his telescope would be focused on the skies over our property.

  I had thought the walking stick might be an affectation, but as Professor Hinkley made his way to the front, I noticed a slight limp. The hitch in his gait was subtle, but it was definitely there.

  When the professor reached the podium, he said, “Large silent objects flying low and fast have been seen around these parts for several weeks. I want to assure you this is not a sign of the end of times.”

  There was a loud gulp from the audience, and the professor quickly continued. He spoke about cosmic pluralism, religions based upon early alien contact, and how to properly greet extraterrestrials when they arrived in town.

  Midway through Hinkley’s dissertation, Ronni used her hand as a screen and whispered, “This time Nadine has really gone off her rocker. What do you think poor Noah will do about her?”

  “I suppose locking her in the nearest insane asylum is too much to hope for?” I knew there was no way Noah would commit his mother to a psychiatric hospital, but a girl could dream, right? I may try to see no evil and speak no evil, but I sure as hell thought about it plenty.

  “I wonder what got her panties in a twist.” Ronni wound a chocolate brown curl around her finger. “Unless it directly affected her, ordinarily Nadine wouldn’t care about an alien invasion or the town teenagers.”

  “You’re right.” I nodded slowly. Nadine’s concern was out of character for her. “I’ll mention that inconsistency to Noah when we get together after this meeting.”

  “Didn’t you tell me you had a date with Jake tonight?” Ronni raise a brow.

  “He sent me a text saying that he had to cancel.” I didn’t look at Ronni, not wanting to see pity in her eyes. “Meg is acting up again.”

  “At this rate, Shadow Bend will have to open its own loony bin pretty soon.” Ronni giggled, then jerked her chin toward the front of the room. “And we should reserve an entire wing for that guy.”

  I tuned in to the professor just in time to see him lean into the microphone. I studied him. If it weren’t for the picket-fence teeth, Albert Einstein hairdo, and Mr. Magoo glasses, he might have been a nice-looking man.

  After a dramatic pause, Hinkley said, “Extraterrestrial forms of life range from the simple microorganisms to far more complex beings that are superior to humans.”

  “Let’s hope ours are the bacteria-like ones.” I snickered. “Otherwise, we’re in a lot of trouble. Can you imagine Hizzoner trying to negotiate with a really smart ET? Shadow Bend would be under alien rule before they could even get the probe up his butt.”

  Ronni laughed, but before she could respond, the professor said, “What I’d like to do is set up a series of large radio antennas and telescopes on the property where most of the unusual lights have been seen.”

  He glanced toward me, and I quickly turned my head. No way was I allowing this crackpot on Sinclair land. And I’d like to see him try to convince our neighbor Tony Del Vecchio to permit him on his ranch.

  “Professor.” Boone spoke from his place behind the conference table. “What do you hope to accomplish with the antennas and such?”

  “Communication, my dear man.” Hinkley rubbed the sparkly green glass ball on the top of his cane and gazed heavenward. “I want to welcome them to Earth.”

  With that statement, the spectators went wild. Voices rose and arguments started. Most folks seemed alarmed at the thought of receiving a visit from spacemen, but a few expressed some interest in meeting Alf,
Mork, the Great Gazoo, and Marvin the Martian. One guy asked if any of them would look like Seven of Nine or Starfire.

  I had to use my phone to Google that last one. Turns out that Starfire is a comic-strip character from the planet Tamaran. Considering the guy who asked about her was practically drooling, I was not surprised to see that she was drawn with huge boobs and a costume that resembled a couple of potato chips and a cracker.

  I noticed that as the professor fielded questions from the audience, Boone kept glancing at his watch. He seemed relieved when Noah returned and took his seat at the conference table. The men put their heads together, then Boone pulled out his cell phone and I watched as his thumbs flew over the screen. What were those two guys up to?

  Mayor Eggers spent the next fifteen minutes trying to regain control of the proceedings. Professor Hinkley was less than eager to relinquish the spotlight, and Hizzoner finally took the man by the elbow and escorted him down the aisle and back to his seat.

  As Hinkley edged past me, he said, “So your family owns the land near the contact site? I’d like to explore the area tomorrow morning.”

  “No.” I figured short and succinct was the way to go with this guy.

  “How about the afternoon?” He had a small leather planner in his hand.

  “Never.”

  “But you must.” The professor clutched my arm and demanded, “How can you even consider standing in the way of scientific research?”

  “Let me make myself perfectly clear.” I shook off his fingers and stared at him. “If I catch you with one foot on my family’s property, I will call the police and have you arrested for trespassing.”

  “The mayor has given me permission to conduct any and all essential exploration for my study in and around Shadow Bend.” Hinkley frowned and reached into his pocket. “Perhaps you’d like to see the document.”

  He tried to hand me a sheet of paper, but I refused to take it.

  “Egger has no rights where my family’s land is concerned.” I skewered him with a sharp look. “And just FYI, the police chief is my best friend’s father. Capiche?”