Heat Waves

by Janelle Denison

  But for now, he tried to bridge the ever-widening gap between them, and subdue the emotional threat she was feeling. "No matter what you might think, I'm not trying to curb your independence or make any decisions for you. That was never my intention. But I can't deny that I do want to make things easy on you and give you every opportunity to be a huge radio personality in Chicago. You deserve that."

  The fight seemed to drain out of her, and she glanced away, as if it pained her to look at him.

  Very gently, he tucked his finger beneath her chin and brought her gaze back to his, and felt her tremble beneath his touch. The resistance was still there, along with a wealth of vulnerabilities that squeezed his heart like a vise. "Call me selfish," he said softly, "But I love you and I don't want you looking elsewhere for what's right in front of you." Not only a secure, successful job, but him.

  Her breath caught, as if she realized what he was asking for. A commitment to more than just her job and Heat Waves. He wanted, needed, her to believe in all that they'd shared the past month. Beyond the seduction, despite her fears, the two of them belonged together.

  "I can't do this again, Ian," she whispered, her voice choked with the same tears filling her eyes, along with more doubts and uncertainties he couldn't penetrate or soothe. "This isn't going to work for me. With you as the new owner, I think it's best if I hand in my resignation."

  A piercing pain shot through his chest, and it hurt for him to draw air into his lungs. "You're quitting?" he asked incredulously. More than her job, his words asked if she was giving up and walking away from them.

  She took a step back and nodded, her silence speaking volumes and answering the silent question that swirled between them. "I'm sorry," she said raggedly, then moved around him and headed for the door.

  Ian's hands tightened into fists against the urge to stop Erica from leaving and try one last time to convince her that she was making the wrong decision. But because he loved Erica and didn't want to stifle her or hold her back from what she believed she had to do, he let her go … and hoped he survived the second-most-devastating loss of his life.

  ~ 11 ~

  "HOW COME COU AREN’T debating issues on the air with Ian anymore?"

  Erica had known from the moment she'd arrived at Tori's new, fully furnished apartment with two bags full of nonperishable grocery items that it would be only a matter of time before their conversation turned to Ian. Five days had passed since their break-up on Wednesday, and when Ian didn't call the show that night for their normal evening debate, the finality of what she'd done had hit her hard. She should have been relieved that he hadn't called and made things more awkward between them, but instead a deep, consuming emptiness had enveloped her and it had taken every ounce of fortitude she'd possessed to make it to the end of her show that night … as well as Thursday and Friday night. And tomorrow night, Monday, she'd get to do it all over again, for another two weeks until her obligation to Ian and the station was fulfilled.

  Tori's question seemed to be the same one on everyone's mind, from Carly and Dan, to her listeners, to the fans who recognized her in the stores and on the streets. Carly and Dan knew the truth and she'd managed to skirt the answer with her listeners, but she wanted to be honest with Tori, since Ian was a common link for the two of them.

  She finished putting away the cans of soup in the kitchen cupboard Tori had designated, and turned to her friend. "Ian and I aren't seeing each other any longer. On the air or off." The painful words caused a lump to form in her throat and her chest to expand with a misery that seemed to increase with each passing hour she spent apart from Ian.

  Tori frowned in bewilderment. "Why not?"

  Erica leaned wearily against the counter behind her and glanced at the small dinette table where Janet was eating a few of the Oreo cookies Erica had brought for her. The little girl was playing with her new Barbie while enjoying her snack, oblivious to the conversation between the adults. She seemed happy and adjusting well to all the changes in her life, and Erica was grateful that the transition had been an easy one for Janet, and Tori, too, it seemed.

  Erica wished her own personal transition to a life without Ian was going as smoothly. "Ian and I had a difference of opinion," she told Tori, and explained the entire situation to her friend. Erica told Tori about Ian buying the station, expecting her to stay, and how she'd made the spontaneous, heat-of-the-moment decision to quit Heat Waves and search elsewhere for a new job because she refused to depend on Ian for anything.

  "Oh, Erica," Tori said compassionately, understanding her fears so well. "You can't be serious about leaving the show and Ian. I've heard you on the air, and I've seen the two of you together, and I can't imagine a more perfect match between two people. It's so obvious that he adores you."

  He loved her. He'd said the words twice now, asking for nothing in return but her trust. So simple. So difficult.

  And she'd ultimately rebuffed him. Driven by a haunting past she was so afraid of repeating, she'd made a mad dash for freedom. Yet unlike when she'd decided to leave Paul, there had been nothing liberating about walking out of Ian's life. Just pain and misery she'd never anticipated.

  She wrapped her arms around her middle, grateful to have someone to talk to who empathized with all the misgivings running through her. "There's no doubt in my mind how Ian feels about me, but I don't want to be indebted to him for buying the station and securing my job. I don't want to need or depend on him for the direction of my career, or anything else, for that matter."

  Tori thought about that for a quiet moment, then responded. "If there's one thing I've learned the past month, there's a big difference between needing someone and being needy. Looking back, I can finally admit that my relationship with my husband was controlling and dominating, and I was needy because that's what he expected of me. I fell into a pattern that just seemed to escalate to the point that I had no control in my life. And like you, once I made the decision to leave Rick, I swore I'd never depend on another man. And then Ian came along and offered me a job and a sense of security for me and Janet, and I took it."

  Erica chewed on her thumbnail, hearing the other woman's words and seeing the undeniable gratitude shining in her eyes. The same kind of gratitude Erica had refused to feel in regards toward Ian buying the station. Her stubborn pride and a slew of fears seemed to be in control of so many aspects of her life – including denying herself the opportunity to grasp any semblance of happiness when it came her way.

  "Look where I am, Erica," Tori continued, gesturing with a wave of her hand at the nice apartment in which she lived, the stability that was within reach. "I couldn't have gotten this far without Ian's support. Without realizing it, I needed him because he was that stepping-stone to a better life and my personal independence. I didn't lose anything by depending on him and accepting his help but I gained so much."

  Erica listened but couldn't bring herself to reply. She was too caught up in the similarities between Tori's situation and her own. And how differently they'd each responded to Ian's offer of help.

  "And look at everything you've done for me," Tori added, a smile on her pretty fare. "You gave me the strength I needed to believe in myself when I thought all hope was lost. And yes, I do feel indebted to you, but it's a good kind of obligation because I plan to repay you in friendship and by making you proud of me and what I do with my life."

  Erica pressed two fingers to her lips, overwhelmed by Tori's declaration and by a tidal wave of emotion that seemed to shake her to the very core. To know that she'd had such a profound effect on Tori's life was humbling. To realize what a strong woman Tori had become as a result of her support was an extraordinary feeling.

  Tori grabbed her free hand, her gaze soft and imploring as it latched onto hers. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no control issue with Ian, except maybe in your mind because of what you've been through in your past."

  Erica searched the other woman's gaze, seeing so much internal strength
in Tori despite the ordeal she'd been through with her soon-to-be ex-husband. Witnessing how different Tori was from her own mother who'd gone through a similar experience was sobering for Erica. The fortitude in Tori was like a bright, shining beacon, while Erica was still cowering from emotional fears and weaknesses she'd always vowed would never dominate her life.

  Erica shook her head. How funny that she'd been the one to lend support to Tori all these months, and now it was her friend giving back to her when she needed it the most. "When did you get so smart?"

  Tori squeezed her hand one last time before letting go. "When I realized that I can't let my fears stop me from being happy. I did that for too many years with Rick, and while I might be cautious when it comes to certain things, I also know that I have to keep an open mind. Maybe you need to do the same. If you let him, Ian could be the best thing that's ever happened to you."

  Ian was the best thing that had ever happened to her. The knowledge leapt from the depths of her soul, strong and sure, along with the love for him she'd been denying for days. He might have started out as a sexy mysterious caller, but somewhere along the way he'd become her lover and best friend. She'd shared more about herself, had opened herself up to him in ways that no other person had ever glimpsed, and he'd accepted her the way she was, flaws and all. Even now, with his silence, he was accepting her and supporting the decision she felt she'd needed to make, no matter what it had cost him personally.

  He'd let her walk away. No demands. No ultimatums. And in that glorious moment she knew Ian would never hold her back from her goals and dreams. He'd only enhance everything about her life.

  She'd spent the weekend perusing her volumes on sex and relationships for a subject for tomorrow night's show, and now she knew exactly what it would be. But this time, there was no textbook to help her on this particular topic she'd address on the air and to Ian. All she had was her heart, soul, and her love for him to guide her.

  She prayed that was enough.

  *

  "THIS IS ERICA MCCREE, and you're listening to Heat Waves on WTLK," she said, greeting her listeners for her Monday night show. "It looks like we're finally in for some cooler weather than we've had all summer, which is a good thing because it's been hot and intense for a lot of us, on and off the air."

  Erica inhaled deeply, trying to calm the riot of nerves fluttering in her stomach. She was addressing her audience, but her words were meant for one man alone, and she hoped that he was out there listening to her tonight, that he'd realize her entire show was dedicated to him, their relationship and their future together. If he still wanted her in his life after the way she'd rejected his love.

  Trying not to dwell on that devastating possibility, she glanced to the booth next to hers at Carly, who offered an encouraging smile. Erica held tight to her courage and her belief in Ian, in them, and continued.

  "For the past few weeks we've talked about every aspect of sex and dating and what attracts men and women to each other, which has been fun and enlightening, even for me. I've learned just how powerful and intense an initial attraction can be with the right person and how being that special someone can open you up to all kinds of physical desires and emotional needs. I've discovered that mind sex and foreplay can be erotic and incredibly arousing, and that a woman can have multiple orgasms with the kind of partner who puts her pleasure before his own," she said with a thread of amusement in her tone.

  "I've come to realize that while sex and orgasms can be fun and satisfying, making love is one of the most emotional, passionate things that can happen between a man and a woman. And then there's love. For some of us that closeness and intimacy comes easily. For others it's a struggle to allow those emotions to surface when we've been hurt in the past or believe that love comes with certain expectations."

  She grew quiet for a few heartbeats, letting her listeners absorb her comments and relate to them in their own way. "We've covered attraction, dating and sex over the past month, and as all of you who've been following the sexy city nights campaign know, Ian and I have become somewhat of an item. You've enjoyed hearing about our dates and have been a part of our relationship from the very beginning. I know most of you are wondering why Ian hasn't been on the air with me lately, which brings me to tonight's topic."

  She shifted restlessly in her seat, pushing all doubts and uncertainties from her mind in order to concentrate on the most important part of her show – convincing Ian that she wanted to try to make a relationship work with him. He alone would comprehend the underlying message in her words – he understood her so well.

  "I thought we could talk about what happens when personal fears get in the way of a healthy, committed relationship," she said, prepared to open up herself in ways that would leave her vulnerable and in doing so would allow her to face her greatest fears. "I'm sure I'm not the only person who harbors insecurities, but mine do run deep, to the point that I let them rule my heart and emotions. I've been afraid to trust, afraid to believe, and I've made assumptions that were not only wrong but hurt the one person who gave me so much and never once demanded anything from me in return."

  She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear with a trembling hand. "So, I guess the big question would be, how do you make it up to someone that you really love when you've screwed up?" she asked her listeners, her voice soft and husky with regret. "How do you convince him that you want a second chance to make a relationship work and are willing to meet him or her halfway? That you don't want to look elsewhere for what's right in front of you? Give me a call and let me know what you think."

  Erica broke for a commercial while Carly screened the incoming calls. The phone lines lit up, and her computer monitor flashed the names of the callers. No doubt her listeners would have all kinds of advice for her, and while her request had been made in part for fun, she'd never been more serious about what to do about Ian and how to gain his forgiveness.

  Taking a quick drink of water to quench her dry throat, she hit the first line and welcomed the caller to the show. "Hi, Ann, what's your suggestion?"

  "How about that old, traditional expression of love?" the other woman said. "Plan a romantic evening, then send him eleven roses and keep the twelfth one to give to him when you see him."

  "That's a nice idea," Erica said, though it didn't work for her, personally. She moved on to the next caller.

  "Thanks for calling Heat Waves, Bea. You're on the air.

  "Bake him some cookies or a pie," the older woman said in a very grandmotherly kind of voice. "George swears that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. We've been married for over fifty years, and anytime we've gotten into a tiff I just bake him some kind of treat and all is forgiven."

  Erica smiled at the sweet sentiment. "George is a very lucky man. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my attempts at baking would just make things worse between me and Ian."

  In the soundproof studio next to hers, she saw Carly snicker, knowing cooking or baking wasn't her forte. Making a face at her friend, she picked up the next line.

  "Surprise him with a night of hot sex," Grant recommended. "Ask any guy and he'll tell you that makeup sex is the best!"

  Erica rolled her eyes. "Make-up sex is an easy way out," she argued. "I'm looking for something with a bit more depth and emotion to it."

  "How about sending Ian a gorilla singing telegram along with a box of chocolates and a note that reads, 'I'm ape over you'?" another caller suggested.

  Erica laughed and shook her head. "Ah, that's very clever, but I think this is something I need to do in person, and I'd rather not do it in a gorilla costume."

  "You can always show up at his office wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile," a man offered. "A guy will listen to anything a naked woman has to say."

  "I'll keep that in mind for future reference." The calls continued for the next half hour, and Erica enjoyed all the fun, lighthearted and crazy ideas everyone felt compelled to share. But no one's advice struck a chord
within her as she'd hoped. She kept holding out for something more genuine and sincere.

  Line three blinked, and Erica looked at her monitor to gauge the caller's identity. There was no name on the screen. She glanced Carly's way, but she was busy doing something else and Erica couldn't get her attention to point out the problem. Figuring Carly must have just forgotten to type the name into the system, she pressed the line and greeted the caller. "Thank you for calling Heat Waves. I'm desperate for some real, solid advice. Something simple yet effective. How should I tell the man I care about that I messed up and will do anything to make things right again?"

  "The answer is easy," a rich, familiar masculine voice replied. "How about just be honest and tell him what's in your heart?"

  Erica's pulse quickened as Ian's voice drifted out of the intercom, and that aching, painful longing that had taken up residence within her grew to startling proportions. The understanding, tenderness and caring in his voice was unmistakable. And she knew, despite everything, he still wanted her, believed in her, loved her.

  She drew a shaky breath. "I think that's the best advice I've heard all night."

  "I heard everything you said tonight, now tell me what's in your heart," he whispered, coaxing her to share this moment with her listeners, since they'd been with them from the very beginning of their relationship.

  For the first time in her life, Erica trusted someone completely – with her life, her future and her very soul. Because of that faith, because of Ian, she held nothing beck. "My heart is filled with regret, for walking away and hurting you," she said with quiet honesty. "My heart is overflowing with a tenderness I've never, ever experienced before, but I never want the feeling to end. My heart is nothing without you in my life."

  "Do you believe in me?" he asked.