Alien in the Family

by Gini Koch

  Chuckie whispered again. “Or figure out who has the most to lose. This is a power play, but it doesn’t make any sense yet.”

  I gave this more thought and took a look at Queen Renata. “ACE . . . they’re off their planet because their net went haywire, didn’t it? Because the leader of the Free Women figured out how to play nicely with others. And some of the Free Women don’t want to play nicely with others, especially with male others. And the PPB net agreed with them. Is that about right?”

  “Yes, Kitty.” ACE sounded relieved. “ACE knew Kitty would discover the truth. Kitty thinks right.”

  “Yes,” Chuckie said out loud. “She does.” I heard Martini muttering under his breath.

  “Yes, good. Okay, please have Paul correct me when I’m wrong on this, but otherwise, go back and relax. Or whatever it is you do in there.”

  “Yes, Kitty.” There was another pause. “Well,” Gower said in his own voice, “that was fun.”

  “So, Queen Renata, how long ago did your protective net start talking to people?”

  “Several years ago.” She closed her eyes, and when she opened them there were tears there. “For so long we struggled, unable to understand why we were held away from the stars. We knew we could reach them and that we had in the past. We blamed our males, for their aggression.”

  “But without them, you turned just as aggressive, didn’t you?”

  “Yes. But we believed ourselves right.” She heaved a sigh. “As my mother gained the throne, she saw us for what we were: brutal people, bound only for vengeance. She knew this was not the right way. Through her leadership, we began to hate less and try to forgive more.”

  “She sounds very wise. And strong.”

  “She was.” Queen Renata looked around. “She sent a message to the other planets, asking them to help us, to forgive us, to teach us how to be less warlike and more peaceful. They sent us help, support. But they would not remove the net. My mother understood—centuries of danger are not removed in a few years.”

  “What were the reactions?”

  “Our people were divided. Over time, however, as the other planets sent gifts—helpful things that made our lives better—most came to my mother’s way of thinking.”

  “But some didn’t.”

  “It was the net.” Black Eye was speaking.

  “Dude, you have a name?”

  “Yes. Gregory.” He sounded peeved. “Can I go on?”

  “Sure, just figured your parents named you something other than Black Eye or Wimpy.”

  Chuckie laughed. So did Martini and Gower. Gregory didn’t look like he enjoyed the joke. “If I may?”

  “Go for it, Greg.”

  “Gregory.” Said through clenched teeth. Nice to have the proof—planetary thing, not just my A-Cs’ hang-up.

  “Whatever.”

  “The PPB net is sentient. It . . . became self-aware and started speaking to some of the planet’s inhabitants. I’m sure you can’t understand, but—”

  “Um, Greg? I’m going to speak very slowly, and we’ll see if you understand. You know the net you folks on Alpha Four put around Earth?” He nodded, a shocked look on his face. “Well, I was just chatting with it. It’s in one of our people, while still being around our world, and it likes us. A lot. We like it, too. It’s not keeping us in any more. It’s doing it’s best to keep people like you out. If it let you through, consider yourselves lucky. We’re a team, our sentient superconsciousness and us. All alone out here together. We are all very tired of being treated like dirt and only paid attention to when you want something from us. Keep that in mind before you speak again.”

  “In simpler terms,” Martini snarled, “if you talk down to any of us again, her in particular, you’re Poof Chow. Got it?” I was so proud—he’d come up with Poof Chow all on his own.

  “Uh, yes. Apologies, Your Majesty.”

  “And stop calling me that!”

  “He really isn’t into the whole forced royalty thing, Greg. Maybe you should, you know, get on with your condescending explanation.”

  “The net went nuts and thinks it’s God,” Bitch Leader snapped. “Can you have this thing let go of me?”

  “Name, rank, planetary number?”

  “Uma, head delegate from Alpha Six.”

  “Okay. Harlie? Be a good Poofie and put icky Uma down, okay? No snack right now.” Harlie spat Uma onto the floor then trotted over. Clearly for pets and lovies. Which I gave it. In abundance. The purrs were loud. From all of the Poofs. “So, Uma, you were saying?”

  “The net went crazy, started talking to the more militant on the planet. Considers itself God, tells them so.” She stood up and brushed herself off.

  “Tells them to go kill all the men, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, you’re all here, why?”

  “To crown the new king of Alpha Four.” She said it like it was obvious.

  “But you’re not from Alpha Four.”

  “We represent them,” Gregory said. I looked at him, and the rest of them. Yep, eyes were not looking at me, faces were turned away, the usual. On the humanoids, anyway. The Giant Lizards were pretty stone-faced, the Major Doggies looked smiley or snarley, depending, and the Cat People looked smug. I didn’t know yet if this was just how they looked naturally or how they happened to feel right now.

  “So, for some reason, Alpha Four needs a king so badly that they’re willing to go across the galaxy to pull up the last person in a line—who happens to be from the religious sect they cold-bloodedly exiled with extreme prejudice—and in addition, they asked the entire solar system’s diplomatic corps to help out?”

  “Yes.” Gregory was looking at me, but his eyes were shifting all over the place. Chuckie was laughing softly.

  “And, somehow, the rulership of Alpha Four doesn’t care about the fact that if Jeff goes back, all the exiles go back, too?” They wouldn’t, but then, Martini wasn’t going in the first place. But it was a good question.

  “Uh, yes. That’s fine. All is forgiven. Their work here is done.” I saw the Cat People’s expressions—they were as unimpressed with Gregory’s lying as I was.

  “So, are the parasites still hitting the ozone shield?”

  Gregory nodded. “Slowing down, but yes.” He seemed relieved. He shouldn’t have been—I could tell he was finally telling the truth.

  “So Chuckie remains the Conspiracy King, not that I ever had a doubt, and all this is an elaborate ruse. You don’t represent the Alpha Four government at all. There is no way they want all our A-Cs back. As long as there are parasites, they want our A-Cs right where they stuck them, on Earth, with all of us dealing with the superbeing problem. In fact, I’m betting they, either don’t know you’re here or, worse, they’re coming after you with intent to blow us all up. Which is it?”

  I stared at Gregory. He tried to stare back. I was much better at it. “We’re . . . not sure . . . entirely.” He stared at the ground.

  I turned to the only one I figured was going to tell me an approximation of the truth. “Queen Renata? What’s your guess?”

  She nodded. “Prepare for interplanetary war.”

  CHAPTER 30

  THE OTHERS IN THE ROOM SEEMED UPSET when Queen Renata shared reality with us. I heard silence behind me—our Earth A-Cs were thinking, and so was Chuckie.

  Left me to handle the human side again. Always the way. “So, wonderful beings who have arrived in three cloaked spaceships that were somehow landed on the top of the same three peaks my team and I just visited a day or so ago, I have one question.”

  They all looked at me. The Poofs were, to a fluffy thing, growling quietly.

  “What is it you hope to gain from Earth by showing up and pretending to be the actual royal shipload from Alpha Four?”

  No one replied. Shocker. I looked over to where Martini was. “You know, we’re back to three freaking plans.”

  “Yeah, baby, I picked that up.”

  “The one in front o
f us, whatever the royal family is really doing, and Moira’s, right?” Chuckie confirmed.

  “Yep.”

  He wandered the room again. One of the Poofs trotted along with him. I was almost willing to forgive the Emissaries from Hell for coming—I’d wanted a pet of my own. Now I had seven. Well-trained ones. I hoped they were housebroken.

  Chuckie got to the back of the room and turned so he was facing me. “Move them into planetary position, would you? In relation to their suns and each other.”

  Like I was going to be able to do that? “You heard the man, move it.” Poof growls emanated, beings moved their butts. “Paul, make sure they’re right, okay?”

  “Sure, Kitty.”

  While they were moving about, a question nagged. “Greg, why did you bring the Poofs along?”

  He sighed. “Because they’re customary.”

  “Do they really only mate when a royal wedding’s on the horizon.”

  “Yes.”

  “Mister White?”

  “Yes, Miss Katt, from what I recall, that’s the case.”

  “And they’re really rare?”

  “Yes,” Greg and White said in unison.

  “Interesting. So, you brought a rare, royal-family-only animal—seven of them, really. Enough for all the potential royals on Earth and Jeff’s intended.”

  “Yes. Protocol. Maybe you’ve heard of it.” Gregory was almost as snarky as Christopher.

  “What position in the royal court do you hold?”

  Gregory was silent and wouldn’t look at me.

  I noticed the other A-C wasn’t looking at me, either. He was looking at his feet. “You, what’s your name?”

  He looked up. “Alexander.”

  “What positions do you and Greg here actually hold, Alex?”

  He winced at the nickname. “Alexander.”

  “Best of luck with that. Welcome to Earth, Alex. What positions do you and Greg hold within the Alpha Four royal court?”

  He didn’t answer. I got up closer to him and took a good, long look. Same with Gregory. They were both about my age, so younger than Martini and Christopher. Physically they fell between those two as well, but were about Christopher’s height and leaned more toward the wiry side as well. Hair like Christopher’s. Facial structure like Christopher’s. And at least one of them snarked like Christopher.

  “So, Alex, who’s older, you or Greg? I mean, he is your brother, right?”

  Alexander swallowed hard. “Yes. My older brother.” He wasn’t lying.

  I got closer to him. Eyes were green, but you could see the blue flecks in them this close. Christopher’s eyes, nose, and mouth were his father’s, but not his eye color. Went to Gregory. One eye was pretty well shut, but the other was the same, green flecked with blue. He glared at me. Christopher’s Glare #2, as a matter-of-fact.

  I did one last comparison. I thought about my mother, since she, and I, looked like Christopher’s late mother, and I tried to see if they could look a bit like her. Or me. I got a reasonable yes. Not a lot, but enough.

  “Jeff, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

  “Not so much, baby. What are you seeing?”

  I turned around and started to laugh. Christopher was glaring. Glare #2.

  “Look at Greg here . . . then look at Christopher.”

  He did. “Oh, are you kidding me?” Martini sounded beyond annoyed.

  “What?” Christopher was still glaring, but it had shifted to #5.

  Martini rubbed his forehead. “Why are they here?”

  “I don’t know.” I turned back. “Greg, Alex? This just seems like an incredibly complex plot merely to get to vacation with the distant relatives.”

  They both looked hugely guilty. Chuckie came over and took a look. “Amazing. Genetics are really something.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What?” Christopher snapped. “I’m not clear on what you’re driving at, Kitty.”

  “Greg and Alex here are your cousins, Christopher. Possibly as close to you as Jeff is. On your mother’s side, of course.”

  “Are you kidding me? What are they doing here?” Christopher sounded exactly like Martini, only a bit less bellowy.

  “Well, boys? Both Jeff and Christopher have asked you the same question. Why the hell are you here?”

  They didn’t answer. Chuckie did. “Let’s list our options. There’s been a coup of some kind on Alpha Four. The royal family has been overthrown or is fighting to retain power. The ruling monarch is dead or dying. The people are not accepting whoever is supposed to take over. They’re going outside the norm to bring in Martini so that he can act as a messiah. Or, more likely, they’ve come here to drag Martini back so he can be their martyr. You take your pick from those options.”

  The two A-Cs were quiet, but they also weren’t looking at us. The other delegates were quiet, and all looked nervous. I could tell that Chuckie had hit the real reason in his list of options, but I couldn’t tell which one had been our winner.

  Chuckie’s voice was low and very menacing. “But know this—Martini, White, all the others? They report to me now. And I don’t let terrorists steal my people. You try to take anyone by force or coercion? We’ll show you that there is no planet more frightening to deal with when angry than Earth.”

  “They’re all in position, Reynolds,” Gower said.

  Chuckie nodded and walked through them. “Where are the suns, exactly?”

  “Greg, put three of the Poofies into sun positions.”

  He glared at me. “Why?”

  “Because if you don’t, I’ll break your neck.” Chuckie was right behind him. “And I can. I may be human, but I’m trained to take out aliens.”

  Gregory started to try something, but Chuckie had known it was coming, apparently. Gregory was on the floor in a heap.

  “What did you do to him?” Alexander shouted.

  “What I’ll do to you, all of you, if we don’t get some immediate cooperation.” Chuckie turned as he was talking so he could make eye contact with them all in turn. “Understand—until proven otherwise, you are all considered enemies of Earth in general and the United States in particular. I have orders to exterminate with extreme prejudice any alien threats I feel pose a short- or long-term problem. You pose both. Cooperate or I kill you. It’s that’s simple.”

  Alexander looked over to Martini and Christopher. “How can you let him threaten us this way?”

  Martini let a slow smile creep across his face. “I don’t have a choice. He’s the boss. I report to him.” I saw the realization that Martini wasn’t lying cross all the delegates’ faces. It was kind of nice to see that Chuckie had been right. Again. “Now, show three of the Poofs where to stand to be suns.”

  One of the Major Doggies nodded and went to three points in the room. A Poof went to each location. Harlie stayed by me, and the one I’d called Poofikins stayed near Chuckie.

  Chuckie came back beside me and took a long look. “Gower, the other planets, how many of them are inhabited?”

  “Alphas Seven and Eight, Beta Sixteen. Ten inhabited planets in total.”

  “Why aren’t the others represented?” Chuckie’s eyes were narrowed.

  Alexander answered. “They are not advanced enough. Beta Sixteen and Alpha Seven seem to have grasped that there is life on other planets in the system, but we won’t interact with them until they have made some realistic attempts to contact us. Alpha Eight is at Earth Bronze Age level.”

  Something Gower had told me months ago waved to me. “Who are the ones with long-range space flight? Besides Alpha Four, I mean.”

  Animal types all nodded their heads, and Giant Lizard Number One spoke. “We and the Feliniads have had such abilities for decades. The Canus Majorians have joined us in that skill in the past decade.”

  The Major Doggie who’d positioned the suns spoke up. “We originally had no desire to explore past our own solar system. Events have shown it to be necessary.”

  Uma chimed in. �
��Alpha Six still has no interest in traveling beyond our system.”

  “We have no desire to leave our planet,” the last woman, who hadn’t identified herself, offered.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Lenore. But,” she added, “some of us from Alpha Five do understand that we must, from time to time.”

  “And Beta Twelve is hot and heavy to get back out there, right?” Queen Renata nodded to me. “So, what will your people do to the three planets that aren’t as advanced as the rest of you?”

  Queen Renata shook her head. “My loyal subjects? They will not harm them. The dissidents? They will slaughter if they can.”

  “So why are you all here, not there?”

  Silence and a lot of shifty looks.

  Chuckie sighed. “They like drawing it out, don’t they?”

  “Yeah. I’m sure it relates to the real plan, and you know how much they don’t want to tell us that.”

  Gregory was coming to. Alexander helped him up. He looked a lot worse for wear. “Why are you fighting us?” he asked blearily.

  “Because we don’t trust you. At all.”

  He managed to shoot a glare at me. “We’ve come in peace.”

  “Right. And I’m actually Angelina Jolie, I’m just playing this role shorter, fairer, and with a lot less sex appeal.”

  “Oh, don’t sell yourself short,” Martini said. “I think you’re a lot sexier than she is. You have better curves.”

  “Yes, she does,” Chuckie and Christopher added in unison. Martini muttered a bit, but at least he wasn’t growling.

  “Thanks, I’m feeling all tingly. So, Greg or Alex, since you represent the reigning superpower in your solar system, lay it on us. We’re big kids, we can take it. And, if not, we’ll just kill you. So, you know, we win either way.”

  CHAPTER 31

  THEY DIDN’T ANSWER. But I was thinking. I’d had to do a lot of thinking like this over the past year, and it was starting to come naturally to me. Being human and not an A-C, I liked to do my thinking aloud and share the fun and deepness that was me with everyone within earshot.

  “Since we have two males somewhere in the royal line standing in front of us, it can’t be that they’ve run out of potential king options. We also have what I assume are hot Poofs, because if they’re that rare, then they’re valuable, and we have seven of them.”