Alien in the Family

by Gini Koch

  My mother’s sister, Karen, spotted us, and the ring, when we were about halfway in. I loved her, but she had a big voice and used it to share with all that Martini was indeed going to make an honest woman out of me.

  We were mobbed. Fortunately, my entire family was aware that I liked smaller stones, but even so, I heard some comments about the size of the diamond. “Big stones look fake on my hands.” I repeated that at least a dozen times before I got a glimpse of my mother.

  She was way in the back with a woman I took to be Queen Renata, Martini’s parents, and both sets of my grandparents. Mom looked happy, but I knew her, and she was faking it. I pulled Martini’s head down. “Something’s up with Mom. We need to get over there.”

  “I could throw you, but otherwise, I think it’s going to take some time. Yes, sorry, we’ve been engaged for almost six months already.” This to my Aunt Ruth, who was reading Martini the riot act for us sending out wedding invitations before I had a ring. “Look, she’s wearing a ring.” He shoved my hand in Aunt Ruth’s face.

  “And not much else. Katherine Sarah Katt, what are you doing wearing next to nothing to your engagement party?” So much for Martini’s jacket providing adequate coverage. Oh, well, it’d been worth a shot.

  I opened my mouth to give some sort of reply, but Aunt Ruth barreled right on. “Not that I can tell it’s an engagement party . . . no decorations, no gifts, no engagement cake.” She shook her head. “I’ve never been to an engagement party without a lovely cake.”

  “Engagement party?” Christopher was on my other side, and he kicked my foot. “Ow!” Aunt Ruth’s eyebrow lifted, and I scrambled to recover. “Um, sorry about the cake, Aunt Ruth.” I’d never known she was an engagement cake aficionado, but the learning never seemed to stop for me.

  She rolled her eyes. “Charles explained it was impromptu, and the chef and staff didn’t have time for something proper. Honestly, I’m more upset by your attire or the lack thereof.”

  “Jeff bought this outfit for me.”

  She sniffed. “I’ll bet.”

  “It’s really expensive.”

  Aunt Ruth rolled her eyes. “Charles has money, too.” Oh, hell, there it was, out in the open. “Charles wouldn’t have waited six months to give you a ring. And he wouldn’t have dressed you like this.”

  “Wow, gotta get to Mom. Love you, Aunt Ruth, thanks for the stress.” I dragged Martini through the crowd.

  “What’s with ‘Charles has money, too’? I thought you said you two never dated!”

  “One fling for one week, Jeff, okay? But he’s been my friend since we were thirteen.”

  “I’ve been friends with a lot of women no one suggests I would be better off marrying.”

  “Aunt Ruth has views.”

  “What views are those?”

  “Chuckie would convert to Judaism if I asked him to.” Great, religion out in the open, too.

  “So? You don’t even go to temple!”

  “I don’t go to mass, either. Get ready, here comes Aunt Carla.”

  My mother’s other sister descended on us. I didn’t like her as well as Aunt Karen. “What’s this I hear about you two finally getting engaged?” She hugged me and gave Martini an obvious up and down. Then she looked at Christopher, who was still covering our backs. “That one, not this one?” And this was why.

  “Aunt Carla, meet Jeff. The man I’m marrying. This is his cousin, Christopher. A man with many excellent qualities whom, however, I am not marrying.”

  “Christopher’s more your type. So is Charles.”

  Martini started growling, and Christopher winced. “Aunt Carla, Chuckie and I are still good friends. Okay?”

  “Your mother told me he proposed and you turned him down. I can’t believe you were willing to throw away years of friendship with a brilliant, successful man who worships you for some good-looking stud.” Aunt Carla made Aunt Ruth seem demure.

  “He’s a great-looking stud, Aunt Carla.” I hid behind Martini, dug through my purse, and pulled out my cell. “Daddy?”

  “What’s wrong, kitten? Are you all in danger again?” It was so loud in the restaurant I could barely hear him, but he sounded freaked. Of course, I’d called him Daddy, because I was freaked.

  “Daddy, we’re at our engagement party I didn’t know we were having, and you’re not here, and James isn’t here, and . . .”

  “And you’ve run into your Aunt Ruth?”

  “And Aunt Carla.”

  My father almost never cursed, but when he did, it was impressive. “I knew it was a mistake to tell them anything. Your mother and I were trying to explain how you’d met Jeff and how he proposed, and of course Charles was involved and . . .” He sighed. “James wants to talk to you.”

  “Girlfriend, what’s going on?”

  “I’m at our engagement party, and you and my dad aren’t here, and it’s horrible.” I didn’t care if Aunt Carla heard that. She was busy telling Martini and Christopher how great Chuckie was, and how he’d convert to Catholicism if I wanted him to. “My aunts are telling Jeff I should be marrying Chuckie, or Christopher, or anyone else. I love my ring, and people are asking why the stone is so small, and I can’t get to my mother.”

  He laughed. “Families are hell. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.”

  “How so?”

  “Your dad and I will be there shortly.”

  “James, you can’t leave the hospital!” I shouted that out, and both Martini and Christopher spun toward me.

  “I’m fine. Clean bill of health.”

  “That’s impossible.” There was something in the back of my mind that said it wasn’t impossible, but I couldn’t remember what it would be.

  “Yeah, I know. Your dad got here and we’ve been playing cards the whole time. In between worrying about all of you.”

  “James, how the hell can you be sitting up?”

  “Don’t know. Don’t care.” He was quiet for a moment. “I think I should know, but . . . well, doesn’t matter. The doctors are a little freaked out, but there’s nothing wrong with me at all any more. Other,” he added, sounding seriously pissed, “than the fact that I’m bald.”

  I managed a giggle. “Yeah, Paul said you’d be upset.”

  “Can’t wait to hear the comments. Anyway, Kevin stopped by to check on me. He’ll be coming with us.” There was something in his voice.

  “James, what aren’t you telling me?”

  “You’ll find out when we get there. Don’t tell Paul, unless your shouting alerted him already. I’d like to surprise him.”

  “Trust me, it’s packed in here and unbelievably loud. Paul might not even know I’m here, and he sure hasn’t heard any of our conversation. Your surprise is safe.”

  “Love you, babe. See you soon, and then your dad and I will fix everything.”

  I hung up, dropped my phone back into my purse, patted the Poofs, grabbed Martini and Christopher, and plowed on toward my mother, leaving Aunt Carla in mid-insult.

  “This is really fun,” Martini said. “I can’t wait to hear what your grandparents have to say to me.”

  “I’m not enjoying being bachelor number three,” Christopher added. “You didn’t tell us your family worshiped Reynolds.”

  “I didn’t know.” I thought about it, though. I’d always bragged about him, because I was so proud of him. They all knew him, and while I was apparently the densest girl on the planet sometimes, perhaps they’d realized he was in love with me a lot sooner than I had. Wouldn’t have been hard, since I hadn’t realized it until he’d asked me to marry him. The second time. Guilt and its BFF Stress waved to me. They were loving this party. Me, not as much.

  We reached my mother’s table. “Hi, Mom, am I high or is our entire freaking family here?”

  “Other than your father, yes, pretty much.” Mom took a deep breath. “Kitty, could you, perhaps, introduce Jeff and Christopher to your grandparents?”

  I was still holding both their hands, and as so man
y people, Chuckie included, had pointed out, Christopher had been more my type when I was in school. My Nona Maria beamed at him. “You must be the lucky boy who’s marrying our Katherine. I told you he’d be decent, Dominic.” This to my Nono Dom, sitting next to her.

  Nana Sadie nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, we’ve heard so much about you. See, Abraham? He’s a nice-looking boy.” My Papa Abe nodded with a bit less enthusiasm.

  I saw Mom put her face in her hands. Alfred was wincing. Even Queen Renata looked shocked and uncomfortable. Christopher and Martini both were stunned into silence. Me, I wanted to die. This was worse than anything I’d ever imagined. I knew it would be bad, but this . . . I was one more word away from bursting into tears and running screaming into the street—and Reader wasn’t here yet to stop me.

  For whatever reason—fate, karma, ironic justice—I made eye contact with Lucinda. I didn’t know what to expect to see in her expression—triumph, maybe hatred, disdain, victory. She smiled at me, but it wasn’t a vicious smile at all. It was warm and understanding. Then she winked at me and turned to my grandparents.

  “Your Kitty is such a lovely girl, and she had so many suitors, I’ll admit we were wondering if our nephew would win her. That’s our Christopher on Kitty’s right. But our Jeffrey seems to have managed to catch and keep her eye. That’s him on her left. I know he’s a little bulkier than you all seem to think Kitty’s attracted to, but you know, a woman’s tastes change as she gets out of school.”

  I could see my mother out of the corner of my eye. She sat back up and looked both shocked and relieved. Renata let out the breath she’d clearly been holding. Alfred looked as though he was finishing a prayer of thanks. I was still afraid to look at Martini.

  “Oh!” my grandmothers chorused. They both looked to my left and obviously checked Martini out.

  “Handsome boy,” Nana Sadie said.

  “Very. Tall, too. Big and strong.” Nona Maria beamed. “Should give our Katherine healthy babies.”

  “How many little ones are you planning?” Papa Abe asked. “And can you afford them? A man needs to support his wife and children.”

  Nono Dom nodded. “Our little kitten needs a big tomcat to take care of her and keep her under control.” He was serious, and I tried not to die of embarrassment. “You up to that?”

  I heard the best sound in the world right about now—Martini laughed. “Yeah, I think so. As for kids, I want a lot, but we figure we’ll take one at a time and see how it goes.”

  “How soon for the babies?” Nona Maria asked. Eagerly.

  “Um . . .”

  “Oh, soon. But, you know, not too soon.” Martini sounded completely at ease. I was still considering the benefits of spontaneous combustion.

  “We’re not getting any younger,” Nana Sadie said, rather sternly. “I want to see my great-grandchild before I die.”

  “Nana, you’ve been saying that for years. You have tons of great-grandchildren.”

  “Not from you. You’re my Solomon’s only child. I want to see your babies before God takes me home.”

  Nona Maria nodded her total agreement. “We’d hoped Angela would have given you some brothers and sisters. You need to have more than one baby, and soon.”

  “I liked being an only child.”

  “Children need siblings.” This from Papa Abe, who had strong views on this.

  Christopher cleared his throat. “Ah, I’m an only child, too.”

  “But you had Jeffrey,” Lucinda said with a small smile. “Christopher’s like our other son. We were so lucky the boys are the same age and always were each other’s closest friend.”

  “Cats need kittens to make a home.” Nono Dom had been making cat jokes since my mother had introduced her parents to my father. Right up until this evening I’d loved them. Now I was considering the benefits of calling myself Kathy.

  Martini leaned next to me. “Stop worrying. I like being your tomcat.”

  This was a relief, but it was clear my grandparents were willing to ask us about our reproductive choices for the foreseeable future. However, before they could continue, we were all interrupted by a shout from Lorraine. “James, what the hell are you doing out of your hospital bed?”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God, the cavalry’s here.”

  CHAPTER 45

  MOST OF MY SIDE HAD NO IDEA who Reader was. Everyone else, of course, hadn’t expected to see him moving, let alone walking, talking, and joking, for days. There was pandemonium.

  Gower got to him first, partially because I thought that was right and partially because short of Martini tossing me, I had too many people to shove through to have a hope of getting to him sooner than next week.

  It was good that my dad and Kevin had Reader flanked, because he was being swarmed. I felt someone’s arm go around my waist and lift me off the floor. “Coming through,” Martini said, then just shoved people out of our way.

  “I think you’ll be impressing my Nono Dom with this tomcat move.” Martini flipped me onto his hip and I wrapped my legs around his waist. There, back to our normal position for a chaotic situation. He bent his other shoulder a bit and plowed on through. “You could have played football with moves like this.”

  “Would that have meant I got you earlier in life?”

  “Nah, I didn’t date football players.” Much.

  “I can tell when you’re lying.”

  He got us within range of Reader. It was a shock to see him without hair, but I’d been right—it would take total disfigurement to make Reader anything less than a twenty on a scale of one to ten.

  Reader spotted us and flashed his best cover-boy grin. “Jeff, what’re you doing with my girl?”

  Martini flipped me down in front of him. “Marrying her, unless you turned straight in the hospital.”

  Reader pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. “No, but you’re still my girl,” he whispered to me. “Love the outfit. Jeff must have gone shopping.”

  I hugged him back and leaned my head on his shoulder. “Oh, James, I’m so glad you’re here.”

  He rocked me and kissed the side of my head. “I know.”

  “Who is this, and why is he pawing Katherine?” Aunt Carla was on the scene.

  “He’s one of her best friends,” Martini answered calmly. “The one who doesn’t want to marry her. Hey, look. There’s Brian, her old boyfriend from high school. He’s an astronaut now. He’s with his new girl, but, you know, maybe you could go and see if he still wants to marry Kitty, too. I understand he’s a good Catholic boy, so right up your alley.”

  I didn’t let go of Reader, but I cringed. Before I could come up with anything to say or do, someone else handled the situation.

  “Carla, what a pleasure. Have Angela and I mentioned how much we love Jeff and how happy we are that he and Kitty are getting married?” Dad sounded amused and somewhat disdainful, but not angry.

  “Somewhat.” Aunt Carla sounded as if it didn’t matter.

  “Good. I think we also mentioned her very close friend, James Reader? The former international male model?”

  “Oh. Him.” Aunt Carla heaved a martyred sigh. “I still don’t understand why she didn’t choose Charles. Wealthy, brilliant, successful.”

  “I think it’s because she’s in love with Martini,” Chuckie said from somewhere around us. I chose to keep on cringing into Reader’s shoulder. It was comfortable, and I could pretend I wasn’t here.

  “Charles, maybe you can talk some sense into her, then.” Boy, Aunt Carla was really on a tear. I had no idea why.

  Reader did. “You’re aware that the Martini family’s loaded, aren’t you? As in, Martini and Rossi? Old Italian money. And a lot of it.”

  “OH?” Aunt Carla’s entire tone changed. “Really? Well, why didn’t you say Katherine was marrying well, Sol?”

  “We did. We said she was marrying a good man who loved her and would cherish and protect her. As far as Angela and I are concerned, that’s what mat
ters.”

  “Right. I keep forgetting your humanitarian views. Well, carry on, though, if I were you, young man, I’d keep an eye on those two.” I assumed she was saying this to Martini about me and Reader, but I chose to keep my cringe on full.

  Silence for a few seconds. “You can come out now, Kitty.” This from Kevin.

  “I like it here, think I’ll stay.”

  “More than a little jealous over here.”

  Reader laughed. “She’s just making me feel better about being bald, Jeff.”

  “James, I hadn’t even noticed.”

  “You lie like a wet rug, girlfriend.”

  “Really, the jealousy? It’s on full.”

  “Give him a break, Kitty.” This from Christopher, who must have joined the party while I had my eyes closed. “You know he had the jealousy talk with James, too. And Kevin. And Paul.”

  I was still holding on to Reader, but I opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder. “James and Kevin I sort of get. But Paul?”

  Martini shrugged and didn’t look all that embarrassed.

  “I think I should be offended, somehow,” Gower said with a laugh. “You thought I was hot when we first met.”

  “Paul, I still think you’re hot. I am never joking when I say that if you and James want to go bi and expand the marriage to include me, I’m in. Barring that, however, Jeff sort of has the edge.”

  “Which everyone other than some of your family seems to understand,” Chuckie said. “Martini, two things. One, you owe me for spending the last two hours with your brothers-in-law. Two, God, man, you have my sympathies. I’ve never met men more jealous of someone else’s success in my life, and that’s saying a lot.”

  “Thanks, and consider us somewhat even. I just got to hear about how great you are from just about every one of Kitty’s relatives. They think you walk on water even more than she does.”

  “Jamie? Kitty? Can you two stop making everyone, including me and Jeff, think you’re coming out about your illicit affair and sort of separate?” Gower sounded like he was only kind of kidding.

  “She’s hiding.” Reader laughed. “Babe, there are no relatives around other than your father. I think the coast is clear.”