literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh

by Melanie James

  Chapter Six

  Ego Boost

  On Tuesday I made up a flyer before work and by noon I was posting it to the lunchroom bulletin board. A couple of other teachers were sitting at a table having lunch and some laughs.

  “Hi, Kate. Hi, Julie.” Gina walked into the room and gave me a very unusual look. Like she was taking a hard look at me or sizing me up for something. “What is it? You’re looking at me like I’m dressed in a clown suit. Is there something on my clothes? In my hair?” I scanned my clothes to see if I was having a wardrobe malfunction or covered in crumbs.

  “No. It’s nothing, Leigh,” Gina said and smiled.

  “What do you have there, Leigh?” Julie asked.

  “It’s a donation drive I’m starting. Just trying to raise money for the shelters in the city.”

  They came over to check out what I was doing. Three curious sets of eyes were looking over my shoulders as I pressed in a thumbtack.

  “That’s a great idea, Leigh. Count me in,” Kate said. There was a mumbling among them that seemed to me like they all concurred.

  Once they left, Gina doubled back and whispered, “Hey, Leigh, just so you know...Carrie came in here earlier. She said that last week you freaked her out.”

  “Oh, so that’s it. Yeah? What exactly did she say?”

  “She said that you came up to her out of the blue and propositioned her to join in some kinky sex stuff. She said you wanted her to play a bad cop and you’d be a naughty girl that needed to be punished.” Gina’s voice was tinged with more excitement than amusement.

  I coughed and swallowed with the reflex of shock. “Yeah, well, Carrie only wishes that was the case.” I thought about what else to say. Should I just tell Gina what really happened? Hell no. Forget Carrie. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.

  “Hey, Leigh…I just want to let you know…well, I’ll just say it. I’m available if you’re interested. I’ll be your bad cop if you’d like to hook up.” Gina winked.

  Hearing Gina say that, was about as expected as seeing a giraffe grazing on the playground. I let my mind process it for a minute. How do I handle this? And tactfully enough to not hurt her feelings? She has a cute little sparkle in her eyes. And she winked at me for the love of God. “I’m really flattered, Gina. I like you, too. But…I’m already in a relationship. Really. Check out this whopper of a diamond engagement ring. And don’t worry, unlike Carrie, I won’t go blabbing about our conversation. And who knows, maybe I could introduce you to a friend of mine sometime.” I was quite flattered actually. I didn’t have any interest whatsoever in the idea, but Gina is hands down the prettiest female teacher in our school. Take that, Carrie!

  “That’d be nice. And if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

  On my walk home I thought about what Gina said to me. Damn that Carrie. How did I end up on her bitch radar anyway? The way I look at it, if someone twists your words and talks behind your back, they have some sort of motive. I just never expected it from Carrie. In any case, she’d need to know that all of the teachers stick together in our school. It’s bad enough dealing with the storms of idiocy that blow in from the great minds running our education system and the harassment from a few irrational parents. From now on I’d have to watch myself around her.

  “That’s good.” The house seemed to be in one piece still. “I wonder if my magic even worked. Not that I was trying to blow the place up or anything.” I mumbled as I came up the sidewalk in front of our house. “Just a little risky using my magic on my own furnace of all things.”

  “Hey, Lady!” It was a young girl that lived on the street. I guessed she was probably eight or nine years old. “Who are you talking to?”

  “Oh, nobody. Just myself.”

  “That figures. My mom says you would have to be crazy as a bag full of cats to move into that haunted house.”

  “Oh, I’m not afraid. Because, you see, I’m a witch. A very powerful witch. So I would be careful who you call crazy.” I figured that would make her squirm a little.

  She took a step back and looked me over.

  “Prove it.”

  “Sorry, kid. I’m not allowed to. If I showed you my magic, I’d have to turn you into a squirrel, or maybe a cat. What’s your name?”

  “Sorry. I’m not allowed to tell you. See ya’ witch.”

  Cute, I thought as I watched her walk away.

  “Hey, baby! We’ve got heat!” Hunter stood in the open doorway. “Who were you talking to?”

  “Some kid from the block. Cute little girl.” I looked up the street and she was gone. “Hmm, she was just on the sidewalk. So, heat you say?”

  “Yeah. One call to a place and they sent someone out here and had it up and running. All it needed was a flame sensor. Whatever that is. It only cost fifty bucks plus forty for labor. I’d say that is pretty reasonable.”

  Pretty reasonable is right. Bingo! My magic was fully functional, and I was finally feeling like a witch that knows what the hell she is doing.

  Later that evening I spent a little time at my desk. It was time. Time to throw the remaining house repairs into high gear by adding something to my work in progress. After all, winter was coming soon.

  “Cosmos, I think it’s time for us to replace the old windows in this house. They just aren’t weatherproofed and winter is coming.”

  “You’re right as always, Sybil. I’ll get right on that job. After all, carpentry is my specialty. I’ll have these old windows out of here faster than you can snap your fingers.”

  “Thank you for taking care of things. You know I want the old Schlitt house as hot as our love for each other.”

  “Ha! That should get some new windows in here. I know Hunter likes the old antique glass, yada yada, but they suck when it comes to the weather.”

  “Meow, meow. Meeoow.”

  “Yeah, yeah. So cynical. And yes, I know that I really need to get working on my Billion-were series. Next time Hunter has to work at night or on a weekend I will, but for now I’m going to lure Hunter into bed. And by the way, Luna, you are not invited into bed…until later.”

  Chapter Seven

  Friday Night Spell Club

  Even if there is nothing planned, Friday evening always gives me such a great feeling. This was going to be a special night because Gertie, Kelly, Lindsey, and Randy had arrived for our first Spell Club meeting.

  Gertie had brought a bottle of wine and filled up everyone’s glass. “Here we go! I picked up this wine especially for Leigh.”

  “I want to propose a toast.” Kelly lifted her glass full of wine. “Um…Leigh? Do you have any real wine glasses?”

  Randy bumped a blue plastic tumbler against the yellow one Lindsey was holding. “Hear that ‘thunk’ sound? That’s the sound of reality. Not everyone has a cabinet full of Waterford crystal, sis. I know you sure don’t.”

  “I do have some tall water glasses. You know the real glass kind.” Suddenly I realized I had better step up my hostess game or my dream of a successful Thanksgiving dinner would go much worse than I had hoped.

  “Yeah, she keeps them next to the paper plates and the plastic sporks,” Randy quipped.

  “Okay, okay, you two. You’re going to make Leigh feel bad. Just do your toast.” Lindsey stood up and lifted her drink.

  Kelly’s eyes rolled around at Lindsey’s comments and then she turned to me and gave me a wink. “All right. I just want to say that we are all so happy for you, Leigh. And I mean that from the rocky bottom of my cold, snark filled heart. Here’s to our new favorite author, Leigh Epstein! May the critics be ever in your favor! Drink up bitches.”

  “Bleh! Ach ach plah! What kind of wine is this, Gertie?” Randy choked out.

  Gertie took a big gulp and answered, “Original Red Grape. It sure is sweet. I can’t wait to try the banana flavored one.”

  “Are you sure it isn’t cough syrup? Can you show us the bottle? That way we know what to tell the poison control center what exactl
y it is that we drank.” Randy coughed and choked.

  Gertie handed Randy a paper shopping bag filled with bottles. “Here. I picked out different flavors.”

  “Holy shit. You picked from the bottom shelf. This is all Mad Dog 20/20—wine mixed with malt liquor and sugar. We are going to get completely shitfaced for sure.”

  “The man sitting out on the sidewalk said it was the best stuff. And he said it was kosher, too.”

  “Gertie, don’t get your wine recommendations from winos.” Lindsey shook her head.

  “It doesn’t matter. Thank you for the toast, Kelly.” I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and did the same for Gertie, Lindsey, and Randy. I pointed to my blushing face. “See this? This color on my face?”

  “Should I call 911?” Randy said concernedly.

  “It’s called baboon’s ass red. It’s how I blush. You guys are just the best.”

  “I thought it was a reaction to the wine,” Kelly said. “Now the plasticware is perfect for this stuff.”

  “Brooms and car keys!” I passed around a bowl. “Nobody leaves unless they are stone sober.”

  Randy lifted up the old Grimoire he brought along and set it carefully on the coffee table. “Here it is. The Grimoire we found. I had an idea. I was thinking we could look through this and see if there are any easy spells we could try.”

  “I’m pretty sure I can translate some of the Latin words.” Lindsey opened the book and slowly peeled back a few pages. “Check this out, Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Triplici Duplicia.” Lindsey slugged back another glass of Mad Dog. “Sounds silly. It’s a little poem about wine. Strong wine, triple, and double. There’s more, but…it’s just gibberish. Cadbaz shebabaz.” She stood up and wobbled. “I am Lindsey! Witch of the Heights of Arlington! Hear my spell!”

  “I don’t know if that’s such a great idea, Lindsey. It might actually be some sort of spell,” Gertie warned.

  “Nah. It’s just a silly phrase. Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Triplici Duplicia. Cadbaz Shebabaz! Ha ha ha! See? Nothing. It’s probably some medieval drinking game. They had to do something back then for shits and giggles right?”

  Luna walked between everyone and stuck her nose in my glass. After one little cat sized taste and a hiss, she ran to the door. When I heard her cry, I recognized it as the telltale sign of Hunter’s arrival.

  “I almost missed the party!” Hunter set down a large duffle bag before he came over and thoroughly kissed me.

  “Here you go, Hunter. Have a plastic cup full of bum wine.” Randy passed a glass to Hunter. After slugging down a glassful, his face scrunched up like he had just chewed a mouthful of habanero peppers. “Wow! You guys don’t fool around when it comes to wine.”

  “Guess what guys? I’m nee bree. I’m eh boh nee bree…I’m drunk,” Lindsey fell back on a chair in a fit of laughter.

  “I think Lindsey cast a spell to make the wine three times stronger and then doubled it. And it was pretty damn strong to start with,” I said, trying to get my brain to understand the math. “So, Hunter, did you find out what the big assignment is?”

  Hunter picked up the duffel bag he brought in. “Yep. Have you heard about the convention taking place here this weekend?”

  While the rest of us silently shook our heads, Randy knew exactly what it was all about. “Oh yeah. Fur-Con. It’s a pretty big deal and it’s the first time it’s coming here. I can’t believe you guys haven’t heard.”

  “Fur-Con? What’s Fur-Con?” I asked.

  “Only the biggest Furry get together in the whole country.” Randy looked at our bewildered faces. “Tell me you know what a Furry is.”

  “Uh, yeah. Nope. Not a clue,” I replied.

  “Okay, now before you judge, understand that a Furry is someone that has chosen an alternative lifestyle. These people dress up in various costumes and assume their own unique identity.” Randy was sincerely making his case to validate the existence of Furries.

  Lindsey slurred her words. “Oh, you’re talking about beasti-all…beasti-oll…beasty fuckers!”

  “No, it’s not bestiality, Lindsey. Roleplaying,” Kelly attempted to clarify Lindsey’s intoxicated mind.

  I realized what kind of event we were talking about and an alarm went off in my head. “Whoa! Hunter? I was taken hostage by a guy dressed up as a mouse. Are these Furries going to be violent like that guy, Tommy Gatos?”

  “No, not at all. Randy’s right, they’re just people having a good time. But Tommy Gatos did cough up a hairball of information. He was part of an organized crime outfit that operates out of a costume shop in Ohio. Investigators learned that some of his accomplices are plotting to mingle in during the upcoming Fur-Con. They plan to swipe credit card numbers and personal identification numbers from unsuspecting Furries. We’re pretty sure they will attempt to heist jewelry, cash, and any other valuables from hotel rooms. If you think about it, a costume really is a great place to conceal stolen items.”

  This seemed dangerous to me. “No, Hunter! You said that this would be safe.”

  “It’s not like we’re talking armed robbery, Leigh. Besides, I’ll be undercover, in a Furry suit.” He pointed to the duffel bag. “It’s in there.”

  “Wha ha ha ha! Hunter’s going to be a Furry? Oh, I am going to be there recording this. It’s going to be fucking epic!” Kelly was clearly plastered and laughing hysterically.

  “I’m going to choose to ignore you, Kelly.” Hunter took another drink of the magically strong Mad Dog. “And don’t worry, Leigh. I’ll be fine.”

  “I think you are just downplaying the danger for my sake. I’m going to worry regardless.” I sipped the sweet banana flavored rocket fuel. “Don’t you think you should try that Furry suit on? After all, Gertie is a seamstress. If it needs to be altered, she can take care of it.”

  “Yeah, Hunter! Give us a little show.” Randy pulled out a pile of orange and white fluffy material from the duffle bag and handed it to Hunter. A chorus of pleas echoed from the rest of us. We were all curious to see how he’d look.

  “All right, all right. But you have to understand this is top secret police bus…busanence…business.” Hunter stumbled out of the room, dragging the costume behind him.

  Kelly went over to the old spell book and flipped through some of the pages. “While he’s getting changed into his fur freak suit, I’d like to get back to the whole Spell Club thing. So far we haven’t done anything. Unless of course you want to include Lindsey’s accidental spell that turned shitty cheap wine into something even stronger and shittier.”

  “I’m with Kelly,” Randy agreed. “If we’re going to be casting spells and using witchcraft, I don’t want to continue to embarrass ourselves. We’ll always be looked at as the backwater oddballs of witchdom, the bush league witches.”

  I had to disagree. “At this point we’re all getting slightly smashed. I say we just start over and have another meeting right after Thanksgiving. Otherwise, you never know what we might do. I certainly want to improve my skills, but I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight. What do you guys say?”

  “I suppose your right, Leigh. Let’s reconvene next weekend.” Kelly closed the book and just before she sat back down, she looked at the entrance to the living room with a strange look. It was as if she had seen a ghost. Thankfully, it was only Hunter. He was dressed in a fluffy, orange and white cat costume. “Oh. My. God. Schrödinger’s cat lives!”

  Not another reference to that stupid hypothetical cat. I had to say something about it this time. “Wait! I’ve been hearing all of these references to that goddamned Schrödinger’s cat lately. And I have to be completely honest about something, I don’t get it. Not one bit. I mean, really, what’s so hard to figure out what will happen to a cat locked in a box with a bottle of poison? It’s just plain cruel if you ask me.”

  “What? Who is this Schrödingerlinger guy? He should be skinned alive! Or at least thrown in jail!” Gertie was on the verge of a full blown conniption fit.r />
  Lindsey did her best to soothe Gertie and calm her down. “Relax. No cats were harmed. Well, I don’t think so anyway.”

  “That discussion should keep those two busy for a while. Well, Leigh, that sure is a cute pussy you’ve got there. A tad bit on the furry side, though.” Kelly winked at me and then went to get a closer look at Hunter. His suit was filled with padding that made him appear to be a very round cat. He seemed to be having a problem with a zipper on the front.

  “Leigh? Can you help me out? This zipper won’t budge. I want to pull it down and get out of this. It’s so damn hot in here to begin with, but when you wear this outfit, it’s just too much.”

  I pulled on the zipper’s little metal tab with all my might. “I can’t even budge it.” I looked over my big pudgy cat and started to laugh. The outfit had a hood that came over his head and down over his eyes and nose. The collar even covered his neck and chin. There was a rubbery black nose and long white whiskers. The only parts of him still visible were his mouth and his blinking eyes that peered through two holes in the hood. “I just love your ears, though!” I reached up and swatted them. My eyes roamed down Hunter’s cat suit body. “Hey, Kelly, check this out. Velcro trap doors! Easy access! One in the front and one under his big fluffy tail.”

  “Of course! You know, I’ve heard that some of these Furry get-togethers can get pretty damn kinky. They would need some sort of access like that.” Kelly noted and it struck me as such a funny thing to say. The laughter I was trying to contain erupted. I couldn’t control myself. That only spurred Kelly on, “Here, kitty kitty. Now Hunter, you need to get into character.”