“I can’t. I’m having traumatic flashbacks from being possessed by Little Schlitt!” Hunter tripped over the big cat paws on his feet and laid there on his back, helpless. His arms and legs waved around at random as he clawed the air for something to pull himself up on.
Kelly looked to see what Hunter tripped on. “It’s got footies, too! Like a giant sized onsie that you’d put on a baby.”
“Oh! Stop, Kelly. Stop already! I, I can’t breathe. It’s so damn fu-fu-funny!”
Luna returned to the room and jumped up on Hunter’s chest. She sat only inches from Hunter’s face, staring at him intently. It was a little creepy the way she looked at him. I swear I saw her little tongue flop out of her drooling mouth.
“All right, all right. You two have had your laughs. Please, help me get me up and out of this damn thing,” Hunter begged. “I’m getting itchy, and I think I’m a little drunk.”
“Okay, Okay.” I calmed my laughter and tried to pull Hunter to his feet. “Kelly, give me a hand.” It was useless. Kelly and I couldn’t stop laughing and we were both dizzy from the magic wine. Then Luna pawed open the Velcro tabs on Hunter’s fly. “Oh my God!” I shouted.
Kelly clapped her hands and cheered. “Wow! Bravo! You are kinkier than I thought, Hunter. Sweet looking thong you have on.”
“It’s a jock strap. I figured it would be appropriate for this.”
I noticed that Kelly’s eyes were fixated on the skimpy material that barely contained Hunter’s large bulge. I scrambled to put the fly back in place, but Luna kept pulling the material out of my fumbling hands.
“Let me give you a hand there, Leigh,” Kelly practically drooled as bad as Luna.
“No, no, I can handle it by myself. Put your eyes back in your head, Kelly.” I was straddling Hunter’s legs, fighting with Luna over the flap of furry material. In the background I thought I heard someone at the front door. “Randy? Would you see if someone is here?”
Luna hissed at me and pounced on Hunter’s coiled love snake. It was too much. I started laughing again, I just couldn’t help it. Poor Hunter shrieked a nearly unintelligible string of profanities as if he were Satan with Turret’s Syndrome. “Ow! Mother fuckin’ cat claw, God damn you fucking cat! Oh my God! Get that cat off of me!” Luna scooted further down inside the depths of the suit.
“I think your cat just ripped open Hunter’s ball sack,” Kelly commented.
“Oh my God! I don’t know what kind of unholy den of perversion you are running here, but I am here to talk to you about how you frightened my daughter the other day.” an unfamiliar female voice shouted.
We looked up and saw a woman that I recognized from up the street. She was the mother of the young girl I met on my way home. “Sorry, Leigh. I tried to tell her to come back later, but she insisted on seeing you,” Randy said apologetically.
I was still straddling the huge Man-Cat and my hands were now inside Hunter’s open fly as I probed around for Luna. Kelly was feeling the material around Hunter’s chest to help locate my insane cat. Hunter continued to yelp out cat-claw-induced obscenities.
“I’m sorry. It was just a little joke. I didn’t mean to say anything wrong. I’m not really a witch. Where is that thing? Come on kitty.” Hunter writhed under me and I was bouncing up and down.
Lindsey and Gertie just had to pick that exact moment to walk over carrying the Grimoire. “I’ve got a spell that should work to fix this!” Lindsey slurred out some intoxicated version of ancient Latin prose.
“Lindsey, stop! You don’t know what could happen with that witchcraft!” Gertie squeaked.
“I’ve got her!” I dragged Luna up through Hunter’s fly. Hunter held back his scream, growling through clenched teeth as Luna’s claws ripped his thighs.
“It’s a girl!” Shouted Kelly when I finally freed the cat and held her up.
The woman who came to scold me fell to the floor in a dead faint at the sight of Hunter apparently giving birth to a black cat during a crude caesarian operation.
Gertie applauded. “Ooh! Congratulations! I didn’t know you were expecting. Wait…isn’t that just Luna? Awww…” The effects of the alcohol only seemed to enhance Gertie’s ability to make some pretty quirky observations. Okay, to be honest, Gertie sometimes stretched the definition of quirky.
Lindsey rushed to the aid of the stricken visitor. The woman came around to her senses and as soon as she did, she made a dash for the door and scrammed out of the house, leaving one of her shoes behind.
“Great. Now we have to do the whole Cinderella bit,” Randy lamented as he examined the brown leather loafer. “Never mind that, this is the most ghastly slipper ever made! I’ve seen better shoes on horses.”
Chapter Eight
A Bad Cattitude
“What got into you?” I asked Luna before she scurried away.
“I know what she got into,” Hunter growled as he managed to roll over. “Hey, did someone use some magic?”
“I might have. I was trying to help,” Lindsey said sheepishly.
“I think there’s a problem. Something weird is happening.” Hunter was slightly panicked. “It feels…Oh shit! This suit feels like it’s gluing itself onto me now!”
“Look at the zipper now, Leigh. That thing looks like it’s welded together.” Kelly actually leaned back to exert her full force and weight against the frozen zipper. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m guessing that Lindsey’s inebriated ass threw some sort of spell on this Furry costume.”
I pulled to no avail. “Gertie? Lindsey? Can you guys do something?”
“I don’t know what spell I cast. I had no idea what the hell I was trying to pronounce. But I’m kinda’ proud of myself for casting not just one but two spells tonight! Come here Gertie. Give me a hug.” Lindsey drunk-tackled Gertie onto the couch.
“There isn’t anything I can do. We need Marie. Again,” Gertie said from underneath Lindsey. “Can someone help get Lindsey off of me? I think she fell asleep.”
“Marie and Esmeralda aren’t going to be available until tomorrow night.” Kelly replied.
I nodded towards Lindsey. “I think Lindsey has the right idea about just getting some sleep. Let’s get her on the couch. Gertie and Kelly, you can take the extra bedroom upstairs across the hall from ours. There’s a big old bed in there. Sorry, it might look like something from an old haunted house movie…but,” I held my hands up and looked around, “it’s the old Schlitt house after all. And Randy, there is another bedroom next to that one. Same deal. Original old bed.”
“Hold on a sec. You mean I have to stay in this ridiculous costume overnight? No way.” Hunter growled.
“Leigh, do you have any big scissors? I could try cutting him out.” Randy suggested.
“Thanks, Randy, but that won’t work. I can tell this thing is glued onto me now.” The tone of Hunter’s voice had softened. He seemed resigned to his fate of spending the night as an obese orange cat. “And I can’t ruin it. I still need it for my assignment tomorrow afternoon. I suppose I can survive until I’m off duty. But then, I swear I’ll rip it to shreds if I have to.”
Lindsey was belly flopped down on the couch and the rest of our guests found their rooms. Hunter, Luna, and I crawled into bed. Actually, Hunter just sort of flopped on top of the bed with his arms and legs splayed out. Luna looked at him for a minute and then ran out the door.
“Well, Hunter, I think we’ve finally found a way to keep Luna out of our bed when we don’t want her in here. You just have to dress up in a cat suit.”
“Leigh? Will you crack the window just a bit? I swear I’m going to die of heatstroke. Ever since the furnace was repaired, it’s been getting warmer and warmer in here. Add the cat suit and I feel like I’m being cooked like a Thanksgiving turkey.”
“Sure. And now that we’re in bed, how about I open your trap doors? It should let some of the heat out.” I opened the window an inch and then went to work opening the suit’s handy flaps. “Kelly is right. The
re are some people that get pretty kinky with these Furry suits. I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but…”
“Don’t tell me you’re thinking of something tonight, Leigh. Try wearing one of these cat suits. Christ, it’s itchy! Sex isn’t even something that crosses my mind.”
“No. I witnessed something once. When I was in college, I would sometimes walk through a park. One time I was passing through there later than usual and I witnessed something…something very disturbing.”
“What was it? Don’t tell me it was Furries.”
“Not exactly, at least not the way I imagine Furries. I saw people dressed up as fairy tale and nursery rhyme themed characters.”
“Nothing too crazy about that. I’d worry more about gang activity or something.” Hunter shifted his furry body in a futile attempt to get comfortable.
“Oh, it wasn’t so much that people were dressed like that. It was what some of them were doing. Let me just say, seeing Peter Rabbit giving Humpty Dumpty a blowjob really bothered me for quite a while. And you don’t even want to know what Snow White was doing to entertain the seven dwarves. I got the hell out of there because I was afraid. It was fall, and guess what I was wearing? My scarlet red peacoat and a red knit cap.”
“Aha! You were afraid you would be mistaken for Little Red Riding Hood! Good thing you realized it.”
“Yep. Red Riding Hood. I had nightmares of being chased by a guy in a wolf suit. They went on for months.”
“Huh. I’m still trying to figure out how Humpty Dumpty…the anatomy isn’t right for a big egg.” Hunter was finally cooling down. “Ahh, I feel a little better now.”
“Well, please don’t get any kinky ideas. I’m always open to experimenting with something new, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I’ll cuddle your big furry body, though.” Indeed, I cuddled him and we drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Nine
Split Personality
At some point during the night, I woke up to a cold chill on my ears. “The window! We’re going to get pneumonia or something,” I mumbled, leaving my cozy little spot next to Hunter. I shivered in the chilly breeze and quietly shut the window. Luna surprised me when she walked into the room before I had returned to bed. “Where have you been all night? Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything.”
“Meeoww.” Luna turned around as if she was going to leave again, but stopped in the doorway.
“What is it? You want to me to go with you? Is it Lindsey? I don’t think we gave her a blanket or anything. Is that it?”
Luna slowly padded away through the door. I followed her fuzzy little tail, entering the hallway. Suddenly everything changed. When I say everything, I mean it was as if I had stepped through a portal that took me into a place straight from a renaissance painting of an alchemist’s lair. “My feet are freezing, Luna.” I looked down at the floor and saw my bare feet on a floor paved with large square stone tiles that were smoothed by centuries of wear. Amazingly, my fuzzy pink pajamas pants and old college sweater had been replaced by a white cotton gown. “What’s happening? This is a dream, right, Luna? Where are you taking me? What are you up to?”
“Meow.” She jumped up on a table that was nearly covered with bowls made from wood and brass. Various glass bottles in peculiar shapes were everywhere. Some of them held murky liquids while others were filled with bright translucent blue and gold fluids. She called out again, “Meow.”
“All right, Luna. I’m completely freaked out now. This is way too damn real. Time to wake up!” Luna leapt from the table to a shelf and then onto a chair. Her tail provided an accompanying soundtrack of clinks and clunks as it swept between the clutter of ancient glass and metal. I sensed a presence. You know that unsettling feeling. That suspicion that rattles your nerves when you are absolutely convinced someone is in the same room and watching you from some hidden place. “Hello? Hall-ooo? Hola? Bonjour? Hmm maybe this…Guten Tag! How about this one? Shalom! Shalom!” I waited but there was no response. “Is anyone here?” I heard more small noises created by Luna. “I must be imagining things, Luna. I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe Merlin the Magician to come strolling out.” A nervous laugh escaped me. “It’s just a dream after all. No need to be afraid. Just a silly dream. Maybe…”
I saw something—a thing so familiar yet unexpected that it shocked me. “What is that doing here?” My body suddenly became immobilized and my voice silenced. My frozen words trailed off into the stillness of the dusky, candlelit alchemist’s laboratory. It was my desk, positioned in the far shadowy corner of the room. Luna returned from exploring, looked at me, and then hopped away behind a virtual wall of shelving loaded with archaic laboratory equipment, worn leather bound books, and discolored parchment scrolls. “Where are you going now?” I was filled with apprehension. My shaky voice must have given away my trepidation when I asked, “Is there someone back there?”
“Hello, Leigh. Don’t be frightened,” a voice called out from the murky place beyond the disorderly collection of old glassware. It was a man’s voice and not creepy at all. On the contrary, it seemed comfortingly familiar to me. I can only describe it as a type of New York City accent. This was an accent that I’d heard from a number of my parents’ New York friends.
I replied to the unseen person. “See! I knew it! There was someone in here. Would you please come out where I can see you?”
Shuffling noises slowly inched out from the area where Luna had run to. He appeared from behind the row of shelving—an old man, dressed in long robes of purple and blue that had a random pattern of peculiar gold colored runic symbols. The robes looked older than he did, and that’s saying something. They were frayed and faded. His long, unkempt, white hair flowed over his shoulders and his equally white beard tumbled halfway down his chest. The old man wore a dark purple hat, not unlike a witch’s hat. Only, it was not as well cared for as any of the ones I had seen at the Witches Halloween Gala. And he had Luna lovingly cradled in his arms. What a little disloyal slut she was turning out to be.
“Well, well. Leigh Epstein.” The man made a little nod. “I am very pleased to meet you. I wonder…yes, I wonder if you could guess my name.”
“It’s my dream, so I’ll call you…Merlin. I mean, you’re every bit of the familiar looking old wizard trope that one would find in countless movies, books, resin figurines, and incense burners. I couldn’t imagine you any other way. I suppose my subconscious even gave you a distinct accent that was disarming to me.”
“Ach, you’re not even close. Merlin? You think I’m that limp putz? Let me tell you something. That guy is a schlemiel. He’s no wizard. A King’s fool! That’s what he is.” The wizard spit on the floor. “He gave up alchemy school to become a clown. He finally found something he’s good at.”
“Well, you sound an awful lot like old Rabbi Majikowski. Or maybe Mel Brooks. It’s my damn dream anyway. I should be able to call you whatever I want.”
“Dreams…what are dreams? Have you ever thought that a dream is like taking a skinny dip into another reality?”
“Skinny dipping?”
“Sure. It might be fun and exciting, but you don’t want to stay in too long. Take a good look around. You’re in this place.” He turned from side to side and waved his one free hand to show me the room. “You can feel it. You can pick up things. You can even smell things. See this cat? You call her Luna, but she is so much more than your pet. You see, cats are the only creatures that can lead us to the portals across time and space. They are also a like a living safety deposit box for the spirits of witches and wizards in between.”
“In between? In between what? Slightly crazy and bat-shit insane?”
“In between physical bodies. Between lives. Some of us choose to hide that way, sometimes we can be captured and put into a cat.”
“Like a genie stuck in an old lamp?”
“Yes! A four legged, furry, condescending, and pigheaded genie’s lamp. And by the way, my name is Cosmos.”
&nb
sp; “Just like the name in my story! Okay. Well, thank you, Mr. Wizard. Uh, I mean Cosmos. I’m just going to take my cat and hop out of this surreal swimming hole of yours. I better get back to my own crazy reality. My guess is that I left the window open and now I’m lying in bed as sick as a dog. Probably burning up with a fever. I bet it’s making me dream some really weird shit, but I’ll keep you in mind whenever I get around to seeing a therapist. I’m sure this whole visit will be good for a few sessions.”
“It’s not quite that easy to just turn back now, Leigh. Besides, you probably have a lot of questions. I know you want to stay a while.”
“No. Not really. I’d like to just leave. Thank you.”
Without uttering a single word in response, Cosmos walked over to the desk—my damn desk. Luna nimbly hopped out of his arms and sat perfectly still, as if she knew exactly what was expected of her. Cosmos carefully searched through the glass vials, bottles, and beakers that were precariously perched on a makeshift shelf that was no more than an old board mounted to the wall. He picked out selections, one at a time. He held each one to a candle, mumbled to himself, and put them back. Finally, he discovered the one he was looking for. “Ah! Here it is! This is the one we need.”
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