literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh

by Melanie James

  “I’m sure glad this street is closed to traffic, or we would be real road kill.” Lindsey looked at the surrounding area.

  I spotted a large orange cat. “There! See the fat orange cat? That has to be Hunter. Everyone else here is paired up or in a group. He’s just standing by himself next to the streetlamp.”

  “I’m sure other police aren’t too far away. You guys have your radios on? Try some different channels and see what they are talking about. Since it’s an undercover operation, I’m guessing they’ll be on their own channel,” Kelly suggested as she reached into a pocket of her raccoon suit to adjust the radio.

  “I’m not getting anything,” Lindsey said with disappointment.

  “Me either. I think you’ve got something, Kelly. Listen. I can hear them talking.” I leaned my head against Kelly and listened to the police. My heart started to pound with excitement. “Did you hear that? They’re looking for a black cat. That’s the suspect! And there are accomplices. Let’s nose around and see if we can spot a black cat doing anything suspicious.”

  “Leigh, I think Hunter may have tried to play down the danger.” Kelly had that rare serious tone. “I just heard the cops talking about how they think these guys might have some sort of bold robbery planned.”

  “I knew it! Like The Mouse! They probably think they can make an easy getaway by getting lost in the crowd of Furries. Thank God we’re here.” I was already proud of myself for thinking ahead, and I knew Hunter would be truly appreciative for our help.

  Nearly an hour ticked by before Lindsey spotted something. “Hey guys! Look. See that? A black cat—I think it’s a black cat, and it’s with a fox.” Lindsey pointed to the pair walking in front of a pharmacy that was on the corner of the closed off street. Traffic was still moving on the intersecting street. “It looks like they’re casing the joint.”

  I admired Lindsey’s quick witted observation. “I think you’re right, Lindsey. That’s exactly what they are doing. See how the fox is looking in the window and the cat is looking up and down the street. They’re casing the joint for sure.”

  “Casing the joint?” Kelly asked with a tinge of snark returning to her voice.

  “Yeah. Why? Isn’t that what they call it?” I asked. Lindsey’s giraffe head nodded in agreement with me.

  Kelly slapped a fuzzy paw against her raccoon forehead. “What? We’re going to talk like we’re in an old cartoon now, too? Nobody says ‘I’m gonna case the joint. Make sure the coppers aren’t looking’ like some old time burglars with black masks over their eyes.”

  “Fine. Let’s just say they look suspicious. Come on. Let’s walk by there and see what they’re up to.” We strolled down the street and came within a few yards of the fox and cat. Between the noise of the busy street and the crowds, we couldn’t hear what they were saying.

  They looked nervous and even Kelly realized they were up to no good. “Jesus Christ, they are acting suspicious. Like terrorists or something.”

  “Terrorists! Holy shit!” Lindsey yelped. “One of them even has a small backpack! It’s a bomb! It’s a-a-fucking bomb! I know it!” Lindsey was having a panic attack.

  “Whoa! Easy there, baby giraffe!” I tried to calm her down.

  “Lindsey! Goddamn it! Your radio is keyed on. Everything you just said came over the radio!” Kelly literally hopped up and down in a crazed dance. “Now we’re screwed. Here come the cops!”

  “Good! They must know, too! Everyone! Listen up!” Lindsey in her giraffe costume made quite a scene as she waved her arms in the air and shouted to the mass of Furries. “Run! There’s a bomb! Run for your lives!”

  It was instant chaos. Sirens began to wail as nearby patrol cars came flying down the street. I could see Hunter’s orange cat costume sprinting in our direction. The fox and cat we had been watching were panicking and screaming like the rest of the Furries. Suddenly the fox bolted towards Lindsey and tackled her. “Where’s the bomb? Tell me!” It was a man’s voice and he was shouting at Lindsey, “You animal! You have no right to terrorize us!”

  “I—I’m not the terrorist! I thought you were a terrorist with a bomb,” Lindsey cried.

  “Are you nuts? We’re waiting for the bus.” Said the fox.

  “Oh hell! Here comes Hunter! We have to get out of here!” I shouted.

  “Hunter? Hunter Kovacs? Oh no!” The fox said and then he ran to the black cat. “Let’s get the hell out of here. Hunter is here and he’s on his way towards us.”

  A large delivery truck was speeding down the street and it slammed on its brakes, along with several other vehicles. It stopped at the bus stop on the corner. I noticed that inside the truck’s cab I spotted a pair of Furries in squirrel costumes. It seemed very odd, well I should say out place even for this surreal scene.

  Hunter had just arrived in front of the pharmacy. I had to let Hunter know we were at the scene. “Hunter? Baby? It’s me, Leigh.”

  “Leigh? Leigh? Wait. What the hell? Nevermind! You have to get out of here. We just got a call about some lunatic dressed like a giraffe with a bomb—”

  “That was just Lindsey. She was just freaking out about those two suspicious Furries.” I pointed to the fox and cat.

  “What the fuck?” Hunter’s arms dropped to his sides. He was dumbfounded. “Okay. Okay. So there’s no bomb? What am I supposed to tell all of these police? Holy shit! I’m screwed now.”

  The door of the delivery truck opened up. They were only a short distance from me and I could hear the familiar voices. “Gertie, get out! This thing might be reported as stolen or something and we’ll get busted for sure.”

  “Gertie?” I wondered out loud. Then I knew it had to be the one and only Gertie in a squirrel costume, exiting the passenger side of the truck. “Gertie! Gertie! It’s me, Leigh!”

  The squirrels started screaming. They ran up to the rest of us and I knew for sure by the hug it was my Gertie. “Oh my God! I’m so scared. I don’t want to go to jail,” Gertie bawled.

  “Gertie, what do we do with the turkeys?” It was Randy in the other squirrel costume.

  I held Gertie by the shoulders at my arm’s distance. “Okay, hold on! What the hell is going on with you two?”

  “We—we—were liberating turkeys—from a turkey processing plant.” Gertie was panting hard and still panicked. “They were—all going to be slaughtered—for Thanksgiving.”

  “No, this was all your idea. I had no clue I was being recruited into becoming an eco-terrorist. I mean, who wakes up and plans a raid on a turkey packing plant? Not me! I can’t even count the number of crimes we’ve committed—breaking and entering, grand theft, and grand stupidity.” Randy paused and considered the situation. “Wait, what are you all doing here? This is the Furry convention. Are you all secret Furries?”

  “It’s a long story,” I responded. “We’ve got to all get out of here and fast.” I looked over Randy’s shoulder and saw the police checking out the abandoned delivery vehicle. A police officer opened the back doors and a stampede of wildly flapping white turkeys hopped out onto the street. We all cringed at what happened next. Oncoming traffic met the flock with screeching tires followed by a rapid succession of sickening thumps. I think we were all mesmerized by the sight of white feathers filling the sky as if a snow squall had just swept in off Lake Michigan.

  “So much for saving the turkeys. Ouch,” Kelly commented on the carnage happening before us on the street. Gertie fainted at the sight. Randy reached down and lifted her sad little squirrel carcass up into his arms.

  “We need to get going. Follow me to the park and we’ll sort this mess out,” Hunter said commandingly. Our little pack of humbled oddballs trailed him to the park. We were even joined by the fox and cat. Furries on the street watched curiously as one squirrel carried another. We gathered in a secluded area that had two benches. “Please, have a seat.” Hunter paced back and forth and didn’t say another word.

  “That didn’t work out at all!” Gertie was finally coming
back to her senses.

  “Why didn’t you just use your broom and zap them all away to the plantation?” I asked.

  “Believe me, I tried. There were too many and they wouldn’t sit still,” Gertie lamented.

  Then we heard the betraying sounds of sex—spirited, enthusiastic sex. “Hey! Check it out. Behind that hedge, it’s a space ranger looking monkey laying some pipe with a pink unicorn!” Randy shouted. “That is fucking awesome!”

  “Space monkey? Shit! That’s one of the gang we’re looking for.” Hunter bounded over the hedge with cat-like swiftness and pounced on the monkey.

  “Hunter!” I yelled in surprise. “Do you need help holding onto your monkey?” I asked.

  “Whoa! That’s what I’m talking about!” Randy giggled.

  “We’ll get the unicorn,” shouted Kelly.

  The unicorn stood up. Her fuzzy pink pants pooled at her ankles, and her naked ass was now mooning all of us. “Hunter? Hunter? Oh my God!” She tried to run, but Kelly was already in pursuit. The unicorn stumbled over the costume pants. Kelly tripped on her own raccoon feet. With her paws stretched out before her, Kelly snagged unicorn woman by the ankles. The unicorn screamed, “It’s me! Moon!”

  “Moon?” Hunter pulled the mask from the monkey. “Burt?” Hunter sat on the grass with his head in his paws. “I—I—think it’s time for me to give up. I can’t do this undercover thing.” He stood up and looked at all of us. “Why? Members of my family, my friends…all Furries. My own sister and brother-in-law committing lewd and indecent acts in a public park. My fiancé, my friends making bomb threats and inciting a riot. And then my other friends show up in a hijacked truck full of stolen turkeys…and slaughter the entire flock on Halstead Avenue. Do you realize how much trouble we’re in? And look at yourselves! Do you realize how ridiculous you look?” We hung our furry heads in shame. Kelly had let go of Moon’s legs, and Moon quickly pulled the soft pink pants up over her bare ass.

  “Ridiculous indeed, Hunter. Or should I call you Garfield. I certainly am not going to be lectured by someone in a filthy cat costume,” Moon replied as she straightened out the long purple horn on her head.

  “Good thing he didn’t know about the stolen police radios,” Lindsey whispered.

  Muffled cries and painful moans came from the curled up space monkey. “Are you okay, Baby?” she asked Burt.

  Burt rolled over. His pants were still pulled down in the front and he cupped his crotch. It was obvious that something very painful had happened to Burt. “Awwww! Arrrrr!” A dark purple thing protruded from between his monkey paws.

  “What is that he’s holding? A red potato?” I asked.

  Gertie took a closer look. “That’s no potato. What’s this?” She carefully reached out and touched it, or poked it actually, with her index finger. Burt wailed like a scalded dog. “Sufferin’ ducks! I think he snapped his Randy Johnson!” Gertie yelped.

  Moon rushed to his aid. “Burt! Oh my God. You’ve crushed Willis!”

  “Jesus Christ! It looks like—like—a fucking bruised eggplant,” Kelly observed. “Wait. Did you name his penis Willis? Good Lord.”

  “I think he broke Willis, I mean his penis, when he got tackled. I’ve heard about this sort of thing. We have to get him to an ER!” Moon yelled in an alarmed voice.

  “My radio! Damn it. I busted it in the fall.” Hunter pawed around at the broken radio.

  Lindsey stood up and reached into her costume and retrieved the microphone for her radio. “I’m on it! Hello? Hello? Hey Hunter, how do I know if this damn thing is working?”

  Kelly took her cellphone out. “Jesus, girl, use your phone and your brain.”

  Hunter looked at Lindsey and he was confused at what he saw. “Where did you get the radio? Or should I not even ask?”

  “Hunter, I’ll explain it all later. I promise it made sense at the time,” I said apologetically.

  “Son, just take a deep breath. Everything happens for a reason,” Max said from beneath the fox costume.

  “Dad? Oh my God! Dad? What are you doing here?” Moon looked up from attending to Burt’s fractured penis.

  Max waved. “Hi, Moon! Same thing you and Burt were here for, except for the broken ding-a-ling. Your mom is right here of course. Don’t worry, Burt. I’m sure the old yogurt slinger will be working again soon.”

  The black cat waved a paw. “Hi, sweetie! I think Kelly got ahold of someone. I see a rescue squad, maybe a fire truck, too. Hang in there, Burt!”

  I kept watching Hunter. The poor guy was more worried about the entire police operation falling to pieces than anything. This was his big chance, his shot at getting his foot in the door with an investigative team of detectives. It was coming apart at the seams, and there wasn’t much anyone could do about it.

  Two female paramedics carrying their medical kits jogged up to the fallen monkey. It didn’t take long for them to find out what was wrong. “Oh my God! Look at that! Is that his disco stick? Christ! What’d you do to it? Run it over? Beat it with a twenty pound sledge hammer? Did he get it stuck in a meat grinder?”

  “No. We were having sex and my brother got a little rough. He pushed my husband face down into the ground. His erection went straight down with all that weight pushing behind him. I’m pretty sure I heard something crack.”

  “Your brother? You husband? You were having rough sex?” She looked at the various costumed Furries standing around her.

  Moon pointed to Hunter, “My brother is that one, in the orange cat suit.”

  “I’m not here to judge, but you know I’m going to. You’re all a bunch of sick freaks.” She shook her head. “And now this poor man’s pork sword looks like an old piece of chewed up schnitzel.”

  The other paramedic was slightly more professional. “We’re going to have to transport him to the hospital. More than likely he has a fractured penis and it will require emergency surgery.”

  A firefighter had followed the paramedics and arrived on the scene. “Gertie? What are you doing here? What are all of you doing here?” By that point we had all removed the headpieces of our costumes, all except Hunter of course. He looked at Burt’s injured member and winced in both disgust and shock. “Holy roadkill! Is that his tonsil tickler?”

  “Brad!” Gertie ran to him and threw her arms around his neck. “Like everyone else has been saying, it’s kind of a long story.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing you guys are over here. Some nutcase terrorist planted a bomb. One of the Furries noticed and started shouting that there was a bomb, and it helped get the area cleared out right away. I was told that his or her friends seemed to be clearing the place out and they left. Those people were really on top of things. A bomb squad just took the explosives out of there.”

  “Wait! Really? So there was a real bomb after all?” Lindsey asked.

  Brad looked at Lindsey for a minute while he digested what she was asking. “There was a bomb, yes. I don’t quite understand why you asked about it like that. Anyway, whoever those Furries are, they did the right thing.”

  The paramedics loaded Burt and his busted penis into the ambulance. Moon joined him in the back. As I watched the doors shut, I remembered what I had written to rekindle their love life. Sure, it was a rush job, and Luna seemed to think there was a problem, but I didn’t recall writing anything that could have been taken to a literal extreme. I made a mental note to read it over when I got home. Hopefully it wasn’t my fault.

  Our day in the park was over. If my goal was to make sure Hunter made it through his assignment without getting injured, then I suppose Operation Fast and Furriest was a success. I decided that I would be completely honest and focus on the positive aspects of the fallout when I discussed it with Hunter later on.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Bald Pussy Cat

  Now, I don’t know of anyone that wants to have a conversation that is really more of a long-form apology. It’s especially true if you have no idea what sort of reaction has been bubbl
ing up inside the other person. Here is what I’ve figured out so far about being in love: I think being in love makes you willing to talk it through and make things right, regardless of being embarrassed or afraid of looking like a complete fool. Being in love only works when both people are willing to talk it over. Sure, we’ve all heard people say that you have to be able to forgive each other. I think it goes beyond that. You have to be able to understand each other and really “get it” when your partner does something a little crazy. You know, like dress up in an animal costume with your friends, spy on them, and basically torpedo their career. And that’s on top of all the other unfortunate things you’ve accomplished—albeit with good intentions.

  This whole “being in love” thing is exciting, but still uncharted waters for me. I hoped I was right about my patience and understanding because otherwise, our relationship will end up being nothing but a string of apologies sprinkled with wayward witchcraft.

  “Hunter? Are you okay? You haven’t said hardly anything since we’ve been home.” I took a deep breath. Do I just ask him if he’s mad at me?

  “We’ve only been home for a few minutes, baby. I guess I’m just collecting my thoughts about today.” Hunter slouched down in the recliner. His furry orange cat suit was looking pretty tattered and his face looked tired.

  “Good! That’s good! They always say, ‘think before you speak.’ I just want to say once again that I had a bad feeling about today and I just had to do something. I couldn’t bear it if anything—”