literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh

by Melanie James

  “Um, I don’t think that’s Santa Claus,” Randy said.

  I provided a running commentary from my vantage point at the living room window, even though my friends were watching for themselves. “It looks like Sturm and Drang are saying something to that man that came out of the limo. He’s coming straight to the house now. Oh wait, Dalia just popped out of her little slut hut. And she looks a hell of lot better than the last time I saw her. Wow! Get a look at that naughty princess dress.”

  “I need that outfit. She looks like a stripper version of Snow White,” Kelly said.

  I nodded in agreement and added, “You should see her when she is the ugly old witch. I’ve got to admit, that magical instant makeover thing she does could be pretty damn handy. Especially on a Monday morning.”

  My parents were loaded on Brad’s generous servings of gorilla milk. “Harold, let’s get a good seat on the couch,” my mom said. Then in her buzzed state, she addressed whoever else was in the room. “When Leigh and Sarah were little girls, they used to put on these adorable plays for us whenever we had guests. I had no idea that Leigh was still setting these things up.” She motioned for Hunter’s parents to join them on the couch. “Have some more to drink, Millie. You two should have a seat with us.”

  Max was admiring the fireplace. “Oh! This is a gas fireplace. You see there is this little valve to turn on the gas and you just light it. Pretty cool, man.” He twisted the valve back and forth.

  “Dad, be sure to shut that valve off,” Hunter said.

  I continued my reporting from the window, “He’s saying something to Dalia. Okay, she just blew him a kiss and he’s on his way up to the house.”

  Sturm and Drang opened the front door and let themselves in. Sturm spoke in a deep commanding voice, “Please rise for the Elfa Elf.”

  “What’s an Elfa Elf?” Lindsey whispered to me. Everyone must have wondered the same thing since they all leaned in to find out what I had to say. All except our parents, whom were happily watching the show.

  “The Alpha elf, as in the leader of the elf pack,” I answered.

  “Silence!” Growled Sturm. Drang walked outside to guard the front yard. Then the Elfa walked in. He was fairly tall, well built with broad shoulders, and a handsome, clean shaven face. Sporting a full head of gray hair, he had the movie star sort of look that made you wonder what daytime soap he played on. He wore an obviously expensive tailored suit. Under the jacket, he wore a red sash with a short scabbard attached. It sheathed a dagger with a bright emerald handle. The Elfa stood silently and scrutinized each one of us.

  While we waited for him to speak, there was some commotion coming from the couch. “Millie,” my mom ineffectively tried to hush her voice, “would you just look at that! I’m drooling over here…and that’s just my mouth. Wow.”

  “Behave yourself, wife!” My dad physically pulled my mom back to her seat.

  “Oh never mind. I just realized something. Randy? Is that one of your friends?” My mom used her fingers to make little quote marks in the air around the word friends.

  The Elfa finally spoke. I knew he wasn’t like any sort of elf any of us would have imagined, but for some reason I thought he would have a tiny little elf voice—like he had just sucked in helium from a balloon. I was wrong, his voice was deep and masculine. “I am here to thank Leigh Epstein.” I waved at him. “Leigh Epstein, you have saved the door to my home during a time of great unrest in my Elfdom.”

  “Elfdom?” Kelly whispered to me. “Is that even a word?” I ignored her.

  “In return, we will stand by your side as you battle your enemy, Villius, Master of The Order of Dobrin. After all, the enemy of my friend…no wait…the friend of my enemy…no, that’s not right…any friend of…curses! How does that saying go? Never mind. You get the idea. I’m on your side, Leigh. This—” He then drew out his short sword and revealed its gleaming silver blade, “I swear upon the Schrödinger’s Sword.”

  “Schrödinger’s sword? You have got to be kidding me. This Schrödinger is fucking haunting me,” I mumbled under my breath.

  Surprisingly, Marie, Dalia, Sybil, and Cosmos came in through the front door and joined the audience. Cosmos was still dressed in the shabby purple wizard’s outfit. Our parents were laughing in an alcohol induced giggle fest at what they thought was a comedy play.

  The Elfa continued, “Together we shall smite this common enemy once and for all.”

  Drang awkwardly stumbled through the door carrying something in his arms. He dropped it on the floor. There stood the runaway Thanksgiving turkey. Drang pointed at it. “Sir, I caught this magical beast skulking around outside.”

  “What monster are you?” The Elfa pointed his dagger at the turkey. “I say again! What magical beast are you? Be you friend? Or foe? Answer, or I shall smite thee.”

  Cosmos snickered as the turkey began a loud series of turkey gobbling noises. “You leave me no choice, monster! I will smite thee!” The turkey ran away from him. “Hold your ground so I may smite thee.”

  Cosmos couldn’t contain himself. “Smite smite smite, is that all you can say? Oy! I can’t take this. Who says that? Smite shmite, kill him but don’t shmite him already!”

  My dad was laughing. “You see? Now that’s funny! A Jewish Dumbledore!”

  “Elfa, please don’t shmite, I mean smite him. He’s not a monster, he’s a turkey,” I begged. “Our Thanksgiving turkey, in fact.”

  “Ah! A Turk. You brave warrior of Suleiman the Magnificent! You must have come to join us. Tell me, who bewitched you into this wretched bird-like state? I will smite them!”

  “You see? There he goes again with the shmiting. Enough already with the shmiting!” Cosmos lamented and the turkey bolted across the living room rug. The audience on the couch shrieked with laughter as the turkey flapped past them and into the kitchen with Gertie in hot pursuit.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Sybil Gets a Clue

  I didn’t know that Sybil and Luna had wandered off until Sybil came charging into the room. “Cosmos! Baby! I’ve found the device that The Order of Dobrin has planted in this house. They’ve been using it to find out who all of the witches are and where they’ll be. It was attached to a huge contraption in the basement of the house that belches out hot air.”

  “The furnace?” Hunter asked.

  “Yes. Look. Here is the device that was attached to it.” Sybil held up a black rectangular box.

  “Come on, Sybil. How do you know that it’s a listening device?” I scoffed. I seriously doubted it could be a bug.

  “It says right here on the back. ACME listening device, patent pending,” Sybil proudly stated. “And it has a sticker on it. The red sword under the red star on a white background. That’s the crest of The Order of Dobrin.”

  “Damn! It was the furnace repair people! They must actually be part of that group,” Hunter growled. “And that’s probably why it’s been hotter than hell in here, too.”

  Cosmos was anxious. He shuffled back and forth as he thought out loud, “Good. Now we can use magic to trace the device to the person that installed it.”

  “Or I could just call the repair people back out here. Then you’ll be able to question them,” Hunter speculated.

  “No, no. By now they’ve figured out we have found this and they are probably planning to attack while we are all here. We may never see it coming,” Cosmos replied. “Sybil, sweetums. Would you get my briefcase?” Sybil ran off and returned with a battered and scratched briefcase. “Now, just another minute.” Cosmos opened it and removed a few glass vials and crystal ball. He poured the contents of the vials onto the ACME Listening Device as he stared into the crystal ball. “There she is! Ann Putnam, she is in New York City. But there’s something strange about her. She has been here in this town as well. She pretends to be a teacher and uses a different name. A teacher named Carrie Putnam.”

  “I’ll beam her right here,” Marie said.

  “I know that name! I do! Ca
rrie is a condescending teacher at my school, and Ann Putnam is the woman that sent me my acceptance letter for my Billion-were stories. She works for my publisher! So much for getting published after this. Damn. And Carrie! She was up in my business all year. I can’t believe I’ve been getting played like a fool this whole time.”

  Hunter tried to sort it all out. “Of course! It makes sense. She had to just wait until someone submitted a romance story that was written on a magic desk. Once she got a magic story, she would just have to put her plan into action! Plus, she could spy on your every move at work.”

  “Wow! She’s dedicated. That’s for sure,” I added.

  There was a puff of black smoke and a young woman popped into the room. Sturm and Drang seized her, but were repelled by some sort of electric shock. “Electric bra defense! Ha! Foolish elves!”

  “That’s definitely Carrie the teacher at my school. So this bitch is also Ann Putnam.”

  “Ann Putnam?” Esmeralda yelled. “Ann Putnam was one of the accusers at the Salem witch trials! I’ll rip her damn throat out!”

  “Let me shmite, I mean smite her!” The Elfa boomed.

  Our captive spoke out. “I’m Ann Putnam and Carrie. I’ve suspected you were a witch long before you ever got that stupid desk. And you know who gave it away? Your stupid smelly cat! Your Luna unwittingly gave you up. That witch cat was picked up on our radar years ago. It was all a waiting game. Then the desk and that trash you wrote, it was dripping in witchcraft. The newspapers were another place to follow your exploits, or should I say disasters. Some real winners made the news. And now, I am going to unleash The Order of Dobrin and Villius himself on all of you!” She pulled a can of pepper spray from her trick packed bra and sprayed Sturm and Drang. Before we could react, she ran up the stairs.

  “After her!” Commanded the Elfa.

  I joined the others in the chase up the stairs. Carrie stood under the access panel for the attic. “Now, prepare to be vanquished!”

  I laughed at Carrie. “Ha! The bat colony? Is that all you have? Guess what bitch? They’re gone. I took care of that little problem.”

  Hunter looked concerned. “What do you mean? You know we aren’t allowed to disturb the bats.”

  I used the built in defense of having no direct knowledge of the crime, just as Kelly had suggested. “I have no idea what happened to them. All I know is that our bat problem disappeared.”

  “The joke is on you, Leigh Epstein. Whatever chemical those goons put up there only works on real bats, not The Knights of The Order of Dobrin that have been transformed into bats as a disguise.”

  The Elfa turned to Sturm and Drang, “So are there bats up there or not? I don’t understand what she’s getting at.”

  Then it happened. There was a loud crash. Gertie was screaming for the turkey. I looked down into the living room and saw the turkey wildly circling around. In its panic to escape Gertie, it snagged several yards of shimmering garland that I had hung up earlier in the day. Dalia came in and joined in the chase. The trailing garland was dragged through the lit menorah and the garland burst into flames. The bug-eyed turkey ran out the open front door. The twin trails of flaming garland gave it the appearance of being chased by two fiery dragons. Gertie and Dalia ran outside after the bird. Our inebriated parents were roaring and applauding the show.

  “It flew up by the attic window!” Gertie shouted. We heard the crash of the flame engulfed turkey busting through the window and making his way into the attic.

  “Oh shit! Dad! Did you turn the gas off on the fireplace?” Hunter worried.

  “I’m on it.” Brad raced to the hearth and shut the gas valve off. “It wasn’t off, but I’m pretty sure the gas vented up the chimney. Thank God that turkey ran outside. With all the gas that was leaked out here, it could have been a real catastrophe. Whew!”

  KABOOM! An earth shattering kaboom had us all diving for cover. Our entire attic exploded in one glorious eruption. The upstairs windows blew out and the roof blew off the house. Along with it, the entire Order of Dobrin, disguised as a colony of bats, were exterminated in a miniature but fiery mushroom cloud.

  Brad commented on the situation like an arson investigator making his report. “Okay, that wasn’t the gas. That would have accumulated in the chimney, which is still standing. I don’t know what chemical they put up there to get rid of the bats, but I don’t think it was too smart to use an explosive substance. The top of your house blew to bits, like it was filled with gunpowder.”

  “Who knew a flaming turkey would get into the attic?” I replied. “See, Hunter, I didn’t do anything illegal after all. The laws on protecting bats don’t pertain to evil knights pretending to be bats. I’m pretty sure anyway. Everything will be fine—”

  A second blast shook the entire structure and blew the bricks of the chimney in all directions. A huge fireball rolled up skyward and a second fireball rolled out through the fireplace, peeling the paint from the monument to phallic frottage, and then the fireball disappeared.

  “Now that would be the gas,” Brad said.

  “Great show everyone!” My dad cheered. “You’ll have to see if you can top that one next year!”

  “Sturm and Drang, take away that beast, that New York Publisher!” Ordered the Elfa. Sturm and Drang took her away to the Elfa’s cave. And just like Kelly always told me, I knew it was best to not know what happened after that.

  And that was the end of the old, evil Order of Dobrin.

  I decided that we couldn’t let her win by taking away my Thankshanukkamas spirit. “Everyone, listen up! It’s the last day of Hanukkah and it is Christmas Eve. We have some serious partying and celebrating to get done. I’m not letting that evil woman ruin my holiday.” I noticed a smoldering black heap hanging from a rafter overhead. One of many parts of the house made naked by the ear bruising blast. I pointed to it. “Oh, and by the way. The turkey is done.”

  The Elfa looked around and took pride in the level of destruction about us. “This…yes, this is my kind of party,” he said. “Let us all join Leigh Epstein in her Thankshanukkamas party!”

  And party we did. The Elfa lifted a glass high in the air. “To the farm of gorillas that allow fair maidens to fastidiously milk their hairy breasts and provide us with such a delicious and intoxicating drink!” He disappeared with Dalia into her odd gingerbread mansion for a while. I think they may have even been joined by Sturm and Drang. I even guzzled down a mason jar full of high octane gorilla milk.

  Kelly, Lindsey, and Gertie came by to see if I needed some moral support. “Are you okay, Leigh?” Lindsey asked.

  “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s a party!” I chugged down some more alcohol and wiped my lips with the sleeve of my smoldering pink cashmere sweater.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the top of your house was blown into splinters? That would make me sad,” Gertie said.

  Even Kelly had something to offer, “And you’ve got elves fucking an old witch in a gingerbread igloo in your front yard. Not to mention a Neighborhood Watch made up of old KGB agents watching all of this.”

  “Psshh. The way I look at it, I finally got to cook that Thanksgiving turkey. And the holiday party was a blast. Literally. A real blast. And if I recall from early this past summer, getting good roofers hasn’t been a problem for us.” I winked at my friends and took a few more swallows of gorilla milk. I began to wobble. My brain spun like a dreidel on Hanukkah. I remember dropping to my hands and knees to keep from falling down and I crawled into the living room.

  Face to face with the screaming humanoid image on my carpet, I suddenly got it. I explained it to my screaming rug man, “Life will only go according to what you decide, and nothing or nobody else can do it for you. Everything unexpected is just accidental or a coincidence! There is no such a thing as fate, or destiny. That’s why you’re so scared. You figured it out, but you don’t want to face the fact you can’t blame your consequences on everyone or everything else. You’re worried that life is a
ctually up to you and what you choose to do with it. Am I right? You know I am. You can lay there and wait for a happy life to come along, and scream while the world walks all over you. Or, you can get off your ass and just grab it by the balls and make a happy life.” Then I threw up all of my gorilla milk directly into the mouth of the screaming person of the rug.

  Randy came over and knelt down by me. “When you’re done snowballing the guy on the rug, you should come into the kitchen. Marie is gathering everyone together.”

  A few minutes later, I joined the group, feeling much better. “Everyone, Leigh has finally found a way to conquer an enemy that has hunted us all for years. It must have taken months of careful planning to set up a trap like the one we saw here. Perhaps even more amazing is Leigh’s effort to bring such a diverse, yet unified front to bear against our common enemy, The Order of Dobrin. I am announcing as Voodoo Queen, I will grant her a royal title…as soon as one can be decided upon. Prepare yourselves, be sure your insurance premiums are paid and your Last Wills are drawn up, because a royal wedding is coming.”

  I was impressed and shocked. “Thanks for the kind words, Marie. But I never imagined any of this happening. I was just trying to have a good old fashioned holiday. The kind that memories are made of and fill our hearts with joy. I’m glad we shmited…er smited? Or smote? Let’s say I’m happy we destroyed the evil force. I want everyone here to know that my home is always open to you. And if any of you have connections, I’m looking for a new publisher.”