Something MYTH Inc m-12

by Robert Asprin

  Now havin' just played this scene with Spyder, I am in no mood to treat such banter lightly.

  "Pookie," I sez, "meanin' no disrespect to your age, the exact numbers of which you have not chosen to share, I must ask if you can still recall bein' young?"

  This earns me a sideways glance and a pause before she responds.

  "It's a stretch," she sez, "but I think I have some dim recollection of those days."

  "In that case," I sez, "you might recall how it was when you was first getting started in the rough-and-tumble business. However cocky you might have been at the time, there was always a strong undercurrent of insecurity. The funny thing was, even more than wonderin' how you would match up against the opposition when the crunch went down, you was worried about fittin' in with those who were on your own side. To my estimation, that is what is goin' on with our young colleague over there."

  "Hmrn. Interesting point," Pookie sez, nodding slowly. "You know, Guido, you're a lot more sensitive and perceptive than you let on."

  "To answer your question, however," I sez, ignorin' the compliment as I have never been good at acceptin' them, "Spyder did ask me about your role in our expedition. What I told her was that rather than viewin' you as a rival, that she would be better off puttin' her jealousies and insecurities aside and learnin' from you, as you are obviously a professional who would never let such things affect your actions or judgments."

  "Ouch," Pookie sez with a grimace. "Okay, Guido. You've made your point. I'll pull in my claws and take the little darling under my wing ... to mix a metaphor."

  "Good," I sez. "That will probably make this caper much easier on all of us."

  "Speaking of that," Pookie sez, "can you give me a bit more input as to exactly what it is we're doing? I've been in a lot of different kinds of action, but a tax investigator or a royal envoy is a new one to me."

  "Actually," I sez, "this is not a bad time for us to go over that together. Hey, Spyder!"

  When she looks over, I beckon for her to join us.

  "We were just talkin' about how this might be a good time to go over how we are goin' to approach this caper," I explain.

  "Now, as I see it, we are supposed to be checkin' out what, if any, plots are bein' hatched against the Boss and either neutralize them or report back to the team to plan some counter-measures."

  "That's the plan as I understand it," Spyder sez with a shrug. "Since most of the rumors we've gotten have come from the Army types who have been reassigned as tax collectors, we're going to try to intercept them at one of their rendezvous points and interview them to find out exactly what's going on. Depending on what we hear, we'll make our plans from there."

  "Right," I sez. "The rendezvous point we are headin' for right now is the one for the tax teams workin' the population centers closest to the palace. The theory there bein' that those areas pose the most immediate-type threat to the Boss."

  "Okay. I understand all that," Pookie sez. "I guess my question is, how do we play it? Are we the velvet glove or the iron fist?"

  "That is indeed going to be the tricky part," I sez. "On the one hand we want to put a stop to any foolishness which might be in the makin', but on the other hand we have got to be careful that we do not inadvertently stir up more trouble than we are quellin'. Again, we will just have to wait and see who and what it is we are up against."

  "Well, we aren't going to find out sitting around here," Spyder sez. "I guess it's time for us to get moving again. Ummm ... Pookie? Can I talk with you for a bit? I've got some questions about your disguise spell."

  "Sure, kid," Pookie sez. "Whatever you want to know."

  I wait for a while, curious about what it is they are goin' to say, but then I realize they are both starin' at me. Takin' the hint, I get up and start along the trail again. They give me a bit of a lead, then follow along, just out of earshot.

  As much as I had encouraged them both to talk to each other, I find this arrangement to be a bit annoyin', as it leaves me with no one to talk to except myself. Then, as the sound of both of them laughin' reaches me, I begin to contemplate which is worse: Travelin' with two women who do not get along, or travelin' with two women who do.

  FIVE

  I am forced to admit that the balance of our journey to the rendezvous point was one of the more interestin' trips I have ever partaken of.

  Most of this arose from Spyder's interest in Pookie's disguise spellin' abilities. This interest took the form not only of questions as to the extent and limitations of said spell, but numerous requests for demonstrations of the same.

  From what I managed to overhear, it seems that much of Spyder's personality evolved as a direct result of her appearance. That is to say, she was always a skinny tomboy type that no one took seriously as a girl. Bein' faced with such overwhelmin' evidence that she had no chance to compete in the feminine games, she naturally took up the tough-babe mannerisms as it was the only outlet for her previously mentioned competitive streak. Now, already well into her formative years, all that had changed with her discovery of disguise spells.

  As we made our way along, Pookie showed off her magical prowess by providin' Spyder with a seeming endless array of different body types and outfits ... "new looks," as she referred to them. What is more, each new look included a certain amount of coachin' as to how to move and act to make said look believable. This provided them both with hours of amusement as they huddled and giggled together, happy as a pair of defendants in front of a bought jury. Spyder was havin' the time of her life playin' at bein' various types of broads, and Pookie was takin' advantage of a rare opportunity to play dress-up with a real live doll.

  I myself did not take part in these festivities. In fact, any effort on my part to offer input or opinions was firmly discouraged, rejected by a series of glares and eye-rollin's along with various snorts and murmured comments in which "men" seemed to be the main derogatory word employed.

  Even though, as everyone knows, I am a sensitive soul who enjoys social-type interaction, this exclusion does not bother me over much. In fact after a while, it becomes rather enjoyable watchin' the two of them at play.

  For one thing, as I have noted before, neither one of them is particularly hard on the eyes, especially not in some of the outfits that Pookie is tryin' on Spyder, most of which display considerably more of her anatomy than has previously been my privilege to view.

  Then, too, I have other things with which to occupy my mind. You see, with all this contemplative time at my disposal, I have been able to consider from many angles the situational into which we are walkin'. While, despite my considerable experience on the subject, I do not pretend to know women as well as women do, on the other hand, I do know men.

  What we are effectively going to do when we reach the rendezvous is to walk in on a pack of workin' men and assert ourselves as authority types, requirin' that they explain themselves and their actions to us for our analysis and approval. This in itself is not a situation designed to endear ourselves to the individuals under examination, as they tend to automatically resent any outsider tryin' to tell them how to do their jobs. On top of this, the main authority type, our Royal Investigator, is a female type who is currently workin' overtime learnin' how to be cute and cuddly.

  Now, I am not one who refuses or resents havin' to accept female types in authority roles, and I do not defend those backward thinkin' members of my gender who do. The actualities of the world, however, require the acknowledgement that those types do exist, and, from my observations during my limited time in the ranks, seem to make up a majority of the Army types like those we are on our way to question.

  Takin' all this into consideration, I am devotin' the majority of my attention as we travel to stretchin' and prep-pin' my muscles, as well as updatin' the maintenance on my travelin' weaponry, honin' and oilin' as necessary. As I have noted before, a large part of bein' a peace-lovin' individual consists of bein' willin' and able to quash any trouble as soon as it starts, if not a l
ittle before.

  When we arrives at the rendezvous, we all experience some surprise to find that we are the only ones there. That is to say, Pookie and Spyder are surprised that the Army types is not present, while I am surprised that they are surprised. Judgin' from my own limited military-type service, which Spyder was a part of, when assigned to some lame duty like garrison or tax collection and in the absence of any officer-types, it is unlikely at best that any soldier worth his or her salt will remain at the barracks or bivouac if there is anything at all more interestin' in the immediate vicinity.

  In our case, it had been a dubious establishment called Abdul's Sushi Bar and Bait Shop. With minimal searchin' and inquirin', we discovered the hangout of the Army types we was supposed to be redezvousin' with. It was a bedraggled-lookin' place called the Tiki Lounge, which was decorated on the outside with dead brash and carved logs in a half-hearted effort to give it the appearance of a grass hut. To my practiced eye, it was obvious that some fire inspector's palm had been heavily greased to have approved something that gave every appearance of bein' a bonfire waitin' for the first torch. I also notices that the place has very few windows, and that the ones it does have are painted over black.

  "Um, maybe we should wait until it's dark," I sez.

  "What for?" Pookie sez.

  "Oh, just a thought," I sez.

  "Well," sez Spyder, startin' for the door, "I don't see any reason why we shouldn't get started right now."

  "Just a second," I sez, shuttin' my right eye and holdin' my hand flat against it. "I think I got something in my eye."

  They fidgets a bit, but wait sort of patiently while I counts to a hundred.

  "Okay. Let's go," I sez at last, still holdin' my hand against my eye. "After you, ladies."

  I hold the door for them as they enter, then follow them in. As I do, I drop my hand, open my right eye and close the left one.

  This is, of course, an old trick. When movin' from a light area to a dark one, it takes a few moments for the eyes to adjust to the change in light. Those few moments can be extremely dangerous if there are potential hostiles in the area you are enterin' whose eyes are already accustomed to that lighting condition. To counter this, it is wise, if one has the time, to allow one eye, preferably one's dominant shootin' eye, to pre-adjust prior to makin' one's entrance. It may only make a little difference, but sometimes that small difference can save one's life.

  Anyway, I slides inside and step sideways (so's I won't be silhouetted by the door before it closes) and scopes the place out. It is dark, as the painted-over windows had indicated, lit only by candles flickerin' on the low tables on the main floor and along the bar. There is a small group of locals clustered around a table in the corner, but I pay them little attention. Instead, I focuses on the dozen or so Army types hangin' on the bar and sprawled at nearby tables.

  As near as I can tell, they is all low-level rankers without an officer or even a non-com amongst them. This also means they are relaxed and happy as only off-duty army types can be. It looks like they was all talkin' and drinkin' and playin' cards before we came in, which is to say simply enjoyin' each other's company. That was before we came in. Now, to a man, they are all focused on Spyder. Remember how I mentioned that Pookie had been ex-perimentin' with changin' Spyder's looks by usin' her disguise spell? Well, at the moment the outfit Spyder is wearin' bears only a passin' resemblance to the army's normal uniform. I believe I described said uniform back when Nunzio and me signed on for our brief stint in the Army, but for those of youse who have short memories, or, perhaps, have neglected to purchase that particular volume, I will reiterate. Basically, you have a short-sleeved flannel nightshirt, covered by a breastplate and skirt made of hardened leather, said skirt consistin' of multiple strips hangin' down from the waist. Sandals, a helmet, and a short sword complete the ensemble. All in all, it is designed to take an average wimp or pot-bellied draftee and make them look like a formidable fightin' machine. This is, of course, not how it looks on Spyder. First off, the flannel nightshirt has disappeared completely. The skirt is now noticeably shorter, like about halfway up her thighs, and is riding precariously on her hips rather than snug around her waist. Just in case this latter adaptation escapes the notice, it is emphasized by a noticeable reduction in the breastplate to a point where it not only leaves a wide stretch of her midsection exposed, it is barely large enough to qualify for its name.

  The overall effect would qualify her for the centerfold of an Army-type magazine ... if they had such things in this dimension. All she'd need would be a staple in her navel.

  There is several long beats of utter silence as the room drinks in this vision. Then Spyder breaks the spell by openin' her mouth.

  "Could you gentlemen direct me to the person in charge?" she purrs in a husky, tuck-me-in voice.

  "Well, I'll tell you, Sweetheart," sez one brawny individual sprawled at a nearby table. "The Sarge isn't here right now, but if you want to wait for him, you can sit on my lap."

  He gives a big, exaggerated wink to the other Army types in the room, who respond by eruptin' in guffaws and wolf whistles.

  Spyder starts to turn red, which to those of us who know her definitely does not mean she is gettin' embarrassed. Rather, it is clear that we is about one step short of a full-blown donnybrook.

  Unfortunately, someone thinks it is a good idea to take that step. One of the Army types sittin' directly behind Spyder decided to get cute by liftin' up the back of her skirt to try to peek under it.

  Now, disguise spell or not, what's under it is still Spyder. Instead of givin' out a girlish squeal or tryin' to hold her skirt down, she simply pivots around and nails the guy with an overhand power punch. His seated position puts him lower than her, so she gets her full weight behind the hit with a bit of torque from a hip twist for a bonus. He goes down, not over the back of his chair but with it crumplin' under him, and doesn't twitch.

  The laughter stops like a popped balloon as the rest of the Army types gape at their fallen buddy.

  "Spyder, dear," sez Pookie, easin' forward, "what did I tell you about how a lady acts?"

  "He was asking for it," Spyder growls, still hot under the collar.

  'True enough," Pookie sez. "But, you see ..." Without lookin', she comes down with her left hand on the back of an occupied chair, dumpin' the soldier sittin' there on his back. At the same time, her right comes up behind the back of the head of the guy sittin' next to him, slammin' his forehead onto the table. Without a break in her movement, she leans across the table to the other two Army types sittin' there and slaps their heads together hard enough that their eyes cross and they slide to the floor.

  "... you can handle situations like this without breaking into a sweat," she finishes. "Needless exertion is not the mark of a real lady."

  "I see," Spyder sez, noddin' slowly. "Thanks for the tip, Pookie."

  It would be nice if that was enough to settle things, but by my calculations, that was only five out of twelve down, leavin' seven still in good condition. What's more, the survivors were no longer in a playful mood. They are slowly gettin' to their feet with blood in their eyes.

  I figure it is about time I took a hand before things get serious and someone get hurt.

  "Atten-HUT!!" I barks in my best parade ground voice and kick the door behind me open.

  Now if there's one thing the Army drills into its recruits startin' in Basic, it's how to hit the position of 'attention' at any given moment... like if an officer type walks into the room. The Army types still on their feet immediately stiffen into said position, and even the ones still on the floor go a little more rigid.

  This tableau holds for several moments, then someone sneaks a peek to try to figure out why they are called upon to perform in such a manner during what is obviously their off time. What he sees is me silhouetted in the doorway with one of my hand-sized crossbows cocked and loaded.

  "As you were," I sez with a wide smile.

  Of course, cat
chin' 'em all with such an easy trick does nothin' toward improvin' their mood.

  "Real cute, fellah," one of them sez, turnin' toward me. "You want a piece of this action?"

  "Just an interested observer," I sez, still hangin' onto the crossbow. "I would suggest, however, that before you go any further it might be wise to examine the young lady's orders. Particularly notice who signed them."

  "I don't care if they're signed by Queen Hemlock herself," the guy spits. "We've got some payback coming."

  "Close, but not quite," I sez. "We're not talkin' the Queen. She's under orders from the Great Skeeve."

  'The magician?" he sez, swallowin' hard.

  "That's the only Skeeve that I know," I sez with a shrug. "Now that you're aware of the real situation, however, if you want to keep playing around with his personally appointed Investigator, I figure that's up to you."

  With that I fold my arms and lean against the door frame, a study of casual disinterest if I do say so myself.

  "Nice speech, Guido," comes a voice from directly behind me, makin' me jump slightly. "Good to see you haven't lost your delicate touch in handling the troops."

  I turns around to discover Sergeant Smiley, my old Drill Instructor, grinnin' at me.

  SIX

  "So, Guido. What have you been doing with yourself lately?" Sergeant Smiley sez. "I was hearing good things about you after you left basic."

  "You did?" I sez, surprised.

  "Sure. I always try to keep track of my boys after they leave training. My ladies, too." He gives a small bow towards Spyder without standin' up.

  We is all sittin' around a table at the same Tiki Lounge, except now it has been cleared of Army types except for the Sergeant and Spyder.

  "Anyway," he sez, "I heard you got a couple fast promotions, then you dropped out of sight. Some scuttlebutt said you were pulled for Officer's Training. Other rumors had you on special assignment to the Royal Palace. Now I find you all decked out in civvies tagging along with a Special Investigator. All in all, you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself."