Something MYTH Inc m-12

by Robert Asprin

  "How's Nunzio?" he sez. "Are you two still working together?"

  "He's fine," I sez. "He's back at the palace coverin' the Boss while I'm out here beatin' the bushes."

  "Speaking of which, how do you propose we handle this situation?" he sez.

  "First off, I've got one question," I sez. "Does the kid there have any intention of tryin' to whack the Great Skeeve or otherwise disrupt the current government of Posseltum?"

  "Is that what this is all about?" he sez. "Naw. It's nothing like that. The kid overspent his allowance and is trying his hand at crime instead of getting a steady job. You know how that goes."

  "I know the tune, I can fake the lyrics," I sez, making a face. "In that case, I think we can settle this pretty easily You see, my specific assignment is to investigate rumored rebel activity, not to go chasin' highwaymen. If you give me your word that this is not part of a bigger caper, I think we can let the kid walk."

  "You mean you'll let him go on hitting the tax collectors?" 'Nardo sez, surprised.

  "I don't think that would be a good idea," I sez. "No I meant that we won't take him in for what he's done so far. Throw a scare into him. Tell him that you got me to back off because we're old friends, but that if he keeps it up, I'll come after him for real. If you can't get him tc go straight, at least convince him to pick targets that aren't tied into the government."

  "What about the money from the first heist?" he sez.

  'That's a good question," I sez. "Is there anything left from that?"

  "Not much," 'Nardo sez. "Young as he is, the kid knows how to spend money."

  "Tell you what," I sez. "I'll report that the attacks have been stopped. If the Boss wants to send me out to try to recover the loot, that will be a separate assignment. I don't think he'll bother, but even if he does, it will give you a big head start. Droppin' out of sight shouldn't be too tough. Just get him to dump that silly outfit."

  "That's it then?" he sez. "We all just back away and everyone is happy?"

  "It works for me," I sez with a shrug. "To be honest with you, the Boss ... that's the Great Skeeve ... isn't that much older than the kid there. We've gotten into some rough spots ourselves bailin' him out. It doesn't bother me at all that we all get off light on this one."

  "I'm just glad we didn't have to go sideways to each other, Guido." 'Nardo sez. "However it came out, I wouldn't have liked the results."

  "I guess that settles it," I sez. "Good luck to you, 'Nardo."

  "And to you, my friend!"

  Before I realize what he's doin', he steps forward and sweeps me into the big hug that's the traditional Mob greetin' and farewell.

  There's a soft 'twang' behind me and I barely have time to shove him away when something slams into my arm.

  "I didn't mean to do it, Guido. Honest!"

  This is maybe the twelfth time Spyder has made this statement.

  "It's okay, Spyder. Really," I sez. "These things happen. It goes with the job."

  This is the same response I have given each time she has made her declaration. In fact, it is the same, word for, word. I have a little trouble comin' up with original lines or variations when I've been shot. Still, Spyder is still upset, so I do my best to calm her down.

  "I mean, I didn't really mean to shoot," she sez ... again. "He surprised me when he stepped forward like that, and when I shifted to keep him covered, the crossbow just went off."

  "It's my fault, really," I sez, tryin' to make light of it.

  "I should have warned you about the hair-trigger. Cheer up. It could have been a lot worse."

  "You're right! I could have killed you! Oh, Guido. I'm so sorry."

  As you can tell, my efforts to calm her down have been less than sucessful.

  "He knows you're sorry, dear," Pookie sez, takin' a hand. She has been bandagin' my arm and is now riggin' a sling. "Why don't you take a little walk and compose yourself while Guido and I finish up here?"

  "Okay," Spyder sez, hangin' her head. She starts to go, then stops with her back to me. "Guido? I really am sorry."

  She strides off before I can say anything in return.

  "So, what do you think we should do now?" Pookie sez, finishin' the sling.

  "I'm thinkin' we head back to the palace," I sez. "We've taken the investigation about as far as we can, so it's time to check in with the others and get their opinions on what to do next, if anything. Besides, with this ding in my arm I could use a little downtime before I go hun-tin' for any more trouble."

  "If you don't mind, I think I'll stay out a while," Pookie sez. "Maybe keep Spyder with me. She could use a little more seasoning."

  "Fine by me," I sez. "If you want, I'll send along some help. Maybe Nunzio."

  "That would be great," she sez. "I think we'll be hanging around the Sherwood Arms subdivision. See if we can find out anything more about that crew that's working the game preserve. And Guido?"

  "What?"

  "When you get back to the palace, could you do me a favor? Could you say that I was the one who shot you accidentally, not Spyder?"

  I give her a long look.

  "Why would you want me to say that?"

  "Like you said, it was an accident. It could have happened to anyone who wasn't familiar with the hair-trigger rig you use ... Spyder or me."

  "Uh huh," I sez. "So why do you want to make it you instead of Spyder?"

  "You know this is only a temporary job for me," she sez. "I mean, I enjoy working with this crew, but I figure I'll be moving along eventually. I think Spyder would like to try to join your crew on a permanent basis once she gets out of the army. Of the two of us, I think it would be better if the accident went on my record instead of hers."

  "If that's the way you want it," I sez.

  Secretly, though, I have my doubts about Spyder as a permanent member of our crew. While I'm not one to hold a grudge, I've found in the past I have trouble relaxing around someone who's shot me. Even if it was by accident.

  ELEVEN

  It was late when I got back to the palace. I probably could have stretched the trip out a bit, but instead I pushed straight through.

  Investigatin' the trouble with the tax collectors had been a welcome break from the palace routine, but that was done now ... at least, temporarily. Now I found my mind turnin' once more to the problems at the palace. The more I thought about it, the quicker I walked.

  The Boss was in a spot. He either had to marry Queen Hemlock and help her run the kingdom, or turn her down, in which case she threatened to abdicate and stick him with runnin' it by himself. The trouble was that the problem involved dealin' with a woman, which was the Boss's weak suit. The Great Skeeve might be quick on his feet and faster with his brain when it came to magik, but plain old Skeeve was a babe in the woods where women were concerned. What was more, there wasn't much I could do as a bodyguard to help him ... except maybe seein' to it that Queen Hemlock didn't try to whack him if she didn't like his answer.

  I was still thinkin' about all this when I finally reached the palace. Luckily, it was late enough that I figured everyone would have gone to bed, so I wouldn't have to worry about reportin' in until tomorrow. That would give me time to sort out what I was gonna say, and ensure that I had a clear head when it came to dealin' with questions. With that in mind, I headed for my room.

  "Back already, Guido?" comes a voice from the shadows. "How did it go?"

  I turn toward the voice as Aahz emerges from the shadows.

  Now, I have to admit that Aahz is not my favorite member of the team. By this I do not mean he is not capable, as even without his powers he is able to hold his own in a brawl against all comers and is as shrewd and knowledgeable as anyone I have ever met. What keeps me from warmin' to him is his social skills, or lack thereof. He started out as the Boss's mentor, and even though that relationship was upgraded to a full partnership, he still tends to lean on Skeeve publicly more than I think is necessary. In fact, his idea of relatin' to most people ranges from impat
ient sarcasm to open scorn. While I figured that I'd have to report to him sooner or later, my own preference was leanin' toward later.

  "Oh. Hi, Aahz," I sez. "What are you doin' up so late?"

  "I was just sitting and thinking," he sez. "Enjoying the night air. Come on over and join me and fill me in on what happened."

  Not really havin' much choice, I follow him back into the shadows. There is a wide opening in the wall of the corridor that looks out over the palace's courtyard ... the keep, I think they call it. Aahz sits on the low wall that is there to keep people from fallin' out, and gestures for me to take a seat next to him.

  "So, what's the word?" he sez. "Did you find any signs of a brewing rebellion?"

  "Not really," I sez. "We checked in with the tax boys, and they've been havin' a bit of trouble with havin' their collectors ambushed. Two different groups, it seems. It sounds to me, though, that it's more like a couple groups tryin' for some easy money than an actual rebellion."

  My eyes are adjustin' to the dark, and I can see Aahz noddin' slowly.

  "Tell me more," he sez.

  "Well, there are a bunch of guys workin' out of the Royal Game Preserve," I sez. "They're usin' bows and makin' hit-and-run guerrilla attacks from the woods and underbrush. I figured that with only the three of us, it wouldn't be real smart to try to go into the woods after them."

  "Good thinking."

  "We did do some askin' around tryin' to get a line on them," I continued, "but everyone clammed up as soon as we raised the subject. We have a theory that the locals are hidin' them, maybe for a share of the loot."

  "Interesting," Aahz sez. "And the other group?"

  "That was just a couple of stick-up artists," I sez.

  "Was?"

  "Well, we sort of rigged an ambush and drew them out into the open," I sez. "I don't think they'll be botherin' us again."

  "Is that where you picked up the arm wound?" Aahz sez. I see his teeth flash in the darkness as he smiles. "How many bodies did you leave behind?"

  Well, I knew I was gonna have to deal with this eventually.

  "None," I sez. "Actually, all we did was throw a major scare into them. The arm was an accident while Pookie was coverin' me."

  "Pookie shot you?"

  "Like I say, it was an accident," I sez with a shrug. "I passed her my custom crossbow, but forgot to warn her about the hair trigger. If it's anybody's fault, it's mine."

  There is a long moment of silence, and 1 think Aahz is buildin' up to one of his explosions. Then I hear him sigh.

  "She always was a little quick on the trigger," he sez. "Sorry, Guido. I should have warned you about that before I let her tag along."

  It occurs to me that this is the first time I've heard Aahz apologize to me ... or anyone else, for that matter.

  "That's okay," I sez, a little off balance. "No real harm done."

  "When you get a chance, check in with Massha," he sez. "She should have something in her magik gimmick collection that will speed up the healing on that arm."

  "Uh ... Thanks, Aahz," I sez, still a little confused by his new, mellow attitude.

  "Other than that, it sounds like you did a good job, Guido. All of you," he sez. "It'll be good to have you all back."

  "Actually," I sez, "Pookie and Spyder are still out. They're doin' a bit more checkin' on that forest group. I just came in because of the arm. I was gonna talk to the Boss about sendin' Nunzio out to replace me as their backup man."

  "Sounds like a plan," Aahz sez. "Again, nice work. I don't think I've ever said it, Guido, but I've always admired your professionalism. Nunzio's, too. For short-lived humans who have never studied magik, you're both remarkably effective."

  An apology and a compliment in one conversation. I am now definitely confused, so I counter by changin' the subject.

  "Thanks, Aahz," I sez. "So what's been goin' on around here? Is the Boss okay?"

  There is another long silence. So long, in fact, that I am startin' to get scared about what the news is gonna be.

  "I'm afraid Skeeve may be in over his head this time," Aahz sez at last. "You were right about keeping this rebellion thing from him. He's confused and desperate enough without fretting about how the hoi polloi are reacting to the situation."

  I suddenly realize what is goin' on.

  Aahz is worried about the Boss. Worried big time.

  I always knew that Aahz was fond of his partner, but usually he showed it with bluster and lectures. Seein' him like this, quietly concerned, makes me realize how deep his feelin's really ran. It changes my opinion of him... for the better.

  "It's a tough one, all right," I sez. "Different than any of the other capers we've been in on. Still, I figure the Boss has us to help him, so he'll probably pull through."

  "By 'us' I assume you mean you and Nunzio," Aahz sez.

  "Actually," I sez, "I was talkin' about the whole M.Y.T.H. Inc. crew, not the least of which includes you. That's one of the main reasons I got involved with the Mob in the first place, you know. You can only do so much alone. As part of a group, you got teammates to cover your back. Sometimes their strengths can make up for your weaknesses."

  "I never really thought of it that way," Aahz sez, "but you've got a point."

  He's quiet for a while, then opens up again.

  "You know, I almost didn't come back from Perv," he sez. "I was settling in and getting ready to work solo again."

  I didn't know that, but, as I said, Aahz and I didn't really talk all that much ... and not at all since he and the Boss came back from Perv.

  "What changed your mind?" I sez.

  "The fact that Skeeve came all the way to Perv looking for me, particularly when the team had just been saddled with a rough assignment, was flattering," he sez. "I thought I'd tag along for one more round to see if I could help."

  I could see him shake his head in the darkness.

  "So I come back, and look what we're into." he sez. "I'll tell you, Guido, there are some situations that simply can't be handled with magik or muscle, or even a combination of both."

  "Like I said, that's why we have teammates," I sez. "Friends can help turn a situation around... and even if they can't, you're not facin' the consequences alone."

  Aahz heaved a big sigh.

  "I guess that's the answer," he sez. "Thanks for listening, Guido. I'll see you tomorrow."

  That is my cue to resume the trek to my room. The conversation with Aahz has given me a lot of food for thought, though.

  I'm almost at my door when I hear voices. Angry voices arguin' loud.

  The sound is comin' from the Boss's room.

  TWELVE

  I listen for a minute at the door, then knock loudly.

  The Boss answers, half lookin' back over his shoulder at the man and woman shouting at each other behind him.

  "Is everything okay, Boss?" I sez. "I thought I heard voices."

  "Sure," he sez. "It's just... Guido? What are you doing back? And what happened to your arm?"

  I am pay in' more attention to the battlin' duo, who do not seem to have noticed my appearance yet. Neither of them is anyone I know as an associate of Skeeve's. If anything, they look a little foreign ... though that might be because of their funny outfits.

  "What's goin' on in there, Boss? Who are those two jokers, anyway?"

  I am not likin' the look of this at all. While Nunzio and me take our bodyguardin' duties seriously, we usually figure the Boss is safe in his own room.

  "Oh, those are just a couple friends of mine," he sez. "Well... sort of friends. I thought they were just dropping by to say 'Hi,' but, as you can see, things seem to have gotten a little out of hand. The one with the beard is Kalvin, and the lady he's arguing with is his wife, Daphnie."

  "Did you say 'his wife'?"

  "That's right," he sez. "Why?"

  That settles it.

  "Get out of here, Boss." I sez, beckonin' him through the door.

  "What?"

  As I have note
d before, the Boss is often not real quick on the uptake. "Boss, I'm your bodyguard. Right? Well, as your bodyguard and the one currently responsible for the well bein' of your continued health, I'm tellin' you to get out of here!"

  "But..."

  I try to be patient, but enough is enough. Without both-erin' to argue further, I scoop him up with my good arm and carry him out into the corridor before settin' him down again.

  "Now stay here," I sez. "Got that? Stay here!"

  I feel a little like Nunzio talkin' to Gleep, but the message seems to finally get through.

  "Okay, Guido," he sez. "Here it is."

  I give him the hairy eyeball for a moment to be sure he means to stay put, then turn and re-enter the room, shutting the door behind me.

  The two continue to ignore me as I decide how to proceed. It is not all that easy to think, as they is makin' enough noise to drown out a busy kitchen durin' the lunch rush.

  Finally, I recall watchin' Nunzio one time, back when he was teachin', and decide to give one of his techniques a try. Without movin' any closer or gettin' between them, I start to clap my hands together as loud as I can. This distracts them, and they turn their attention on me.

  "Who are you and what do you think you're doing? the guy with the beard sez.

  "What I am is standin' between you and the B... Skeeve," I sez. "What I'm doin' is shuttin' down this party."

  "This is a private discussion," the doll sez. "You have no right interfering."

  "Yes, ma'am. You're right," I sez, politely. "It's a private discussion between the two of you and I think it should be continued in private ... not in someone else's home. Know what I mean?"

  "Oh, come on, dear," the guy sez. "Let's get out of here."

  I think he is gonna head out the door, but instead there's a BAMPF and he disappears into thin air. She favors me with one last glare, then vanishes with a BAMPF of her own.

  Demons.

  I wait a few moments to be sure they're gone, then open the door again.