"Well, is he? Drinkin' too much, I mean," I sez.
"I really never thought about it," Nunzio sez. "I mean, sure he drinks. And he's been drinking more since he and Aahz got back from Perv. But how much is too much? Know what I mean? And why should he ask me?"
"Yeah," I sez. "Weird."
We are both ponderin' this in silence when there is a knock on the door and Aahz pokes his head into the room.
"Good," he sez. "I caught you both here. It's payday, boys. Thought I'd bring yours up since I was headed this way."
With that, he tosses us each a small sack of gold. I say 'small' in that it isn't one of the big bags like the tax collectors use. More like the size of my fist. Realizin', however, the size of my fist, the amount of gold bein' given us is far from paltry.
I glance over at Nunzio, and see that he is as surprised as I am.
"Ummm... Did we get a raise or something that I missed hearin' about?" I sez, heftin' the sack in my hand.
"Extra pay for the whole crew for helping out the kingdom," Aahz sez with a wink. "Bunny negotiated it."
"Nice," Nunzio sez, his eyebrows still up.
"Yeah. Well, thanks Aahz," I sez.
"No trouble," he sez. "By the way, I wouldn't want to try to tell you your business as bodyguards, but you might want to wander down to Grimble's."
"What's up?"
"I just sent Skeeve down there to pick up his pay, and believe me, it's more than ours put together. That's an awful lot of gold for him to be carrying around unescorted."
FOURTEEN
We are waitin' when the Boss emerges from Grimble's office. As Aahz predicted, the sack he is carryin' is substantially larger than the ones given to Nunzio and me, to a point where he is usin' two hands to carry it.
He strides on past us without so much as a 'Hello,' which, to say the least, is quite unlike him.
Nunzio and I exchange glances, then fall in behind him. Truth to tell, I do not think he is even aware we are there. He just marches along kind of mutterin' to himself without lookin' either left or right. Naturally, the procession we are makin' draws a certain amount of attention, but the people who notice us take one look at the Boss's expression and leave us alone.
The silence lasts until we reach the door of the Boss's room. Then, as he's openin' the door, he seems to notice us for the first time, raisin' his eyebrows like we had just interrupted him in the middle of something.
"You gonna want us for anything, Boss?" I sez, just to start the conversation. "You want we should wait around out here?"
"Whatever, Guido," he sez with a wave, not even lookin' at us. "I'm going to be here for a while, though, if you want to get something to eat. I've got a lot to think over."
Now, even though we have gotten him safely back to his room, I find I am not wild about leavin' him alone.
"Oh, we already ate," I sez. "So we'll just..."
I realize at this point that I am talkin' to the door, which the Boss has just shut in my face.
"... Set fire to the palace and roast a couple hot dogs," I finish with a grimace.
"See what I mean?" Nunzio sez. "This is the way it's been around here since you left for your assignment. Sometimes he talks your ear off, and then the next time you see him, it's like you don't exist."
"He does seem a little distracted," I sez.
"A little distracted?" Nunzio shoots back. "If he was any more out of it, he wouldn't know if he was wearing his clothes backward."
"Check me on this, cuz," I sez, ignorin' his attempts at humor. "Have you ever seen anyone so upset just after pickin' up their pay?"
"Not really, now that you mention it," he sez, frownin' slightly. "It was like something about getting paid upset him. You think maybe they shorted him with extra deductions?"
"C'mon, Nunzio," I sez. "Who's gonna short him? The Queen is tryin' to get him to marry her and Grimble is scared to death of him. Besides, did you see the size of that bag? He could barely carry it. That sure didn't look like a short payday to me."
"Well, something has him upset," Nunzio sez. "Maybe Grimble said something to him that hit him wrong."
We was still talkin' about this when the Boss opens his door.
"Guido! Nunzio!" he sez. "Come in here for a second."
We follow him into the room, and he sits down at his desk, the sack with his pay in it still on the desktop in front of him.
"I've got a little assignment for you boys," he sez with a smile.
"Sure, Boss," we say together.
"But first, I want to check something. As long as I've known you, you've both made it clear that, in the past, you've had no qualms about bending the rules as situations called for it—working outside the law, as it were. Is that correct?"
"That's right."
"No problem."
"All right. The job I have for you is to be done secretly, without anybody knowing that I'm behind it. Not even Aahz or Bunny. Understand?"
Now, this does not sound good. I haven't been all that happy keepin' the real reason for my investigations from the Boss, but him includin' me and Nunzio in secrets he is keepin' from Aahz and the rest of the team is downright creepy.
Still, I hide my discomfort and nod.
"Okay. Here's the job," he sez, pushin' the bag forward. "I want you to take this money and get rid of it."
To say the least, this is an unusual concept. I sneak a peek at Nunzio to see how he's reactin', only to find him lookin' back at me.
"I don't quite get you, Boss," I sez, careful-Iike. "What do you want us to do with it?"
"I don't care and I don't want to know," he sez. "I just want this money back in circulation within the kingdom. Spend it or give it to charity. Better still, figure some way of passing it around to those people who have been complaining that they can't pay their taxes."
I am extremely confused at this. I look openly at Nun-zio for help, but he just shrugs.
"I dunno, Boss," I sez finally. "It don't seem right, somehow. I mean, we're supposed to be collectin' taxes from people ... not givin' it to them."
"What Guido means," Nunzio sez, "is that our speciality is extractin' funds from people and institutions. Gi-vin' it back is a little out of our line."
"Well then I guess it's about time you expanded your horizons," the Boss sez, firm-like. "Anyway, that's the assignment. Understand?"
There's only one acceptable answer to that.
"Yes, Boss," we sez together, but not real enthusiastic.
"And remember, not a word about this to the rest of the team."
"If you say so, Boss."
I pick up the bag with my good hand. It is impressively heavy, and I decide to give it one more try.
"Ummm ... Are you sure you want to do this, Boss?" I sez. "It don't seem right, somehow. Most folks would have to work for a lifetime to earn this much money."
"That's the point," he sez, almost to himself.
"Huh?"
"Never mind," he sez. "I'm sure. Now do it. Okay?"
"Consider it done."
Neither of us said anything until we were back in Nun-zio's room, each of us lost in his own thoughts. Once we were there, I dropped the sack of gold onto his bed and plopped down in a chair.
Nunzio remained standin'.
"Okay," he sez, breakin' the silence. "So what do you think?"
"I think we gotta find a couple money belts or saddle bags or somethin' to carry that gold around," I sez. "Haulin' it in that bag is not only an open invitation to trouble, it's hard on the back."
"That's it?" Nunzio sez, his squeaky voice climbin' an octave. "With everything that's happening, all you can think about is your back?"
"What do you want me to say?" I snaps back at him. "That the Boss has gone round the bend? That he's so far gone in foo-foo land that he'd need a map to find his way back?"
"Well, yeah," Nunzio sez, taken a bit aback by my outburst. "He is, isn't he?"
"That's so obvious, it goes without sayin'," I sez, drop-pin'
my voice back to normal. "I mean, really. 'Give the money away.' No wonder he wanted us to keep it secret. If Aahz found out, he'd have a heart attack on the spot."
"So, what are we supposed to do?"
"Do?" I sez. "Didn't you hear? We're supposed to take his pay and re-distribute it to the needy."
"But that's crazy!!"
"So what's your point?" I sez. "How long have you worked for the Mob? You're gonna try to tell me you've never had to take orders from a crazy person before?"
"C'mon, Guido," Nunzio sez. "It's Skeeve we're talking about here. Not some power-hungry Mob underboss."
Now this is truly an indication of how upset my cousin is. In all the years we've worked together, this is the first time I've known him to lose his professionalism to a point where he referred to our immediate superior by his proper name rather than the generic phrase 'the Boss.' That meant that he was so fond of Skeeve as a person that he was forgettin' to maintain that emotional distance necessary for someone in our line of work. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one.
"I know what you mean, cousin," I sez, quiet-like. "The trouble is, I don't see as where we have a lot of options right now. I mean, what can we do? If we ignore this assignment, then we're goin' against a direct order. If we try to alert the rest of the team as to what's goin' on with Skeeve, then we're goin' against his direct orders to keep it a secret. Besides, I've got a hunch that they already know how close Skeeve is to losin' it. Most of them have known him better and for a lot longer than we have."
We look at each other in silence for a few moments.
"I guess that brings us to my original question," Nunzio sez with a sigh. "What are we gonna do?"
"What we always do," I sez. "We're gonna follow orders. Of course, if we clear up a few of the Boss's other problems at the same time, that'll just be a bonus. Right?"
"That sounds like you've got an idea, cuz," Nunzio sez, cockin' an eyebrow at me.
"As a matter of fact, I do," I sez, showin' a few extra teeth in a smile. "When it comes to passin' money back to the populace, I think I know just the crew to help us. The fact that they're currently on our list as problem children just makes it all the sweeter."
I manage to appear confident enough that by the time I get done outlinin' what I have in mind, Nunzio is smilin', too.
What I manage to keep hidden from him is my real worry about the current situation. However it all comes out in the end, my readin' of this convoluted job and the effect it's havin' on Skeeve and the rest of the team is that we'll never again be able to get back to how we were before.
FIFTEEN
"You're sure about this?" I sez, starin' at the sporting goods shop.
"As sure as one can be about anything without a full confession," Pookie sez.
It occurs to me that I could tell her a thing or two about confessions, but I let it pass. Such discussions would only confuse the issues at hand.
We were back at the Sherwood Arms subdivision, where Nunzio and I caught up with Pookie, Spyder, and Chumley. While I couldn't tell them the exact nature of our assignment from the Boss, I felt it was necessary to let them know we was in the area, just so's we didn't look suspicious if we ran into them by accident. All I said was things was heatin' up back at the palace, and that it would be best if we could conclude our business with the bandits in the forest ASAP so's we could get back and give the Boss our undivided attention. Chumley gave me a bit of the fish-eye, but Pookie and Spyder bought the explanation without question.
As it turned out, however, they had developed a solid lead on the bandits.
"Tell me again how you figured this out," I sez.
"Actually, it was Spyder who came up with it," Pookie sez. "Why don't you explain it, little sister?"
"It was nothing, really," Spyder sez. "I got to thinking about the fact that they were attacking the tax collectors with bows. Unless you're real good with one of those things, that means a lot of arrows, and unless you're big on making the things yourself, that means a supply source. Remember how many crossbow bolts we had on stock when we were running the supply depot?"
I just nodded and gestured for her to continue.
"Well, I did a little checking around, and it seems the only place that stocks arrows in quantity in these parts is that shop you were in the first time we were here."
"That would explain why that guy was so closed-mouthed when you leaned on him, Guido," Pookie put in. "If he's making money supplying the bandits, the last thing he would want would be for us to shut them down."
"There's more to it than that," Spyder sez. "We've been keeping a watch on the place and there's about half a dozen guys who are in and out of there all the time. They aren't purchasing or delivering anything. It's like they're meeting or getting assignments or something."
"You're sure they haven't spotted you staking the place out?" Nunzio sez.
"Not a chance, old boy," Chumley puts in. "We've been taking turns and using disguise spells to alter our appearance. They're blissfully ignorant that we're onto them."
"They got any kind of a schedule on these meetin's?" I sez.
"Nothing regular," Pookie sez. "But there's a bunch of them in there right now."
That's all I need to hear.
"Well, Nunzio," I sez, settling my weapons on my belt, "let's you and me wander over there and have a little chat with them."
"You want some help or any kind of disguises?" Pookie sez.
"I think we'll play this as a come-as-you-are-party," I sez. "The rest of you stay out of sight for now. If our play doesn't work, it'll be your turn next."
"Are you sure this is such a good idea? Us taking them on with just the two of us?" Nunzio sez to me under his breath as we cross the streets.
"It may not be the best play," I sez, "but it's the only way we can play it without lettin' the others know about the orders we got from the Boss."
"When he told us to give away the gold, I don't think he meant we should have people take it off our corpses," Nunzio points out.
"Relax, cousin," I sez. "You'll see. This is strictly amateur hour. These suburb guys are even softer than the city-street types we're used to leanin' on. Just run the standard hard stare on 'em and we shouldn't have any problems. Here we go."
Now, there are two ways of flexin' one's muscles when bracin' a person or place: hard, and soft. The first time I hit this place with Pookie and Spyder, we was usin' the 'soft' technique. That is, we talked soft, smiled a lot, and handled things gentle, all of which emphasized the fact that we could have been a lot rougher if we chose.
Now, I figured it was time to use the 'hard' approach.
Standin' in front of the door, I take a deep breath, then raise my arms and slap it hard with both hands. Said door responds by flyin' open noisily. (The fact that it stays on its hinges is a tribute to its solid construction rather than an indication that I'm losin' my strength.) Before the sound dies away, I walk through the resultin' openin' with Nunzio crowdin' close behind me.
If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether Pookie is correct in her deductions, it is dispelled by the reactions of the guys inside. The whole group freezes in place, and in genera] look about guilty as gamblers in a protected bookie joint when an unbought cop walks in.
The guy I talked to on my first visit is behind the counter, and I fix him with a hard stare.
"Remember me?" I sez.
"Umm ... Sure. You're the guy who was in here before with a couple ... friends. Right?" he stammers.
"Close, but no cigar," I sez, makin my way slowly up to the assemblage. "I'm the guy you was gonna find out some information for. Information about the bandits in the forest. Ring a bell?"
"Umm ... We'll be going now, Robb," one of the guys in the shop sez, edgin' toward the door.
"I don't think so," I sez. "Nunzio!"
"Got 'em, Guido," my cousin sez, leanin' in the doorway.
The group of guys looks at him, then take up a position as far as they can get from
either Nunzio or myself.
I turns back to the guy behind the counter.
"You was about to say?"
"Uh... Of course," he sez, backin' away from the counter. "I've done some asking around, and ..."
"From what I've heard, you wouldn't have had to ask to far now, would you?" I sez, leanin' on the counter and showin' a few teeth. "Like, no farther than who's standin' in this shop right now. Am I right?"
"Well... um ..." the guy stammers.
I hold up a hand to silence him.
"Before you say anythin'," I sez. "Let's be sure we understand each other. Now, by this time you have figured out that, in our line of work, my colleague and I occasionally have to hurt people. Right?"
He nods vigorously.
"That's part of the job, and we do it. Nothin' personal." I leans in a little closer. "If, however, said hurtee has insulted my intelligence by lyin' to me, then it makes me mad and I do take it personally. Know what I mean?"
The guy swallows hard, then nods again.
"Now, keepin' that in mind, let's continue the conversation. I was sayin' that you wouldn't have to ask further than the guys here in the shop to get information about the bandits in the forest, and you was about to agree. Right?"
The guy looks at his friends, then he looks at Nunzio and me, then drops his eyes and nods.
"I didn't quite hear mat," I sez.
The guy nods more vigorously.
I look over at Nunzio, who kind of shrugs helplessly.
This could take a while. Unfortunately, we don't have whole bunches of time. If we don't settle this quick, the other team members are gonna come lookin' for us.
Tell you what... Robb, is it?" I sez. "What say I just tell you what's been goin' on, and you just point out any parts that I get wrong. Okay?"
Again, the weak nod.
"First off, we know you and your buddies here are involved with the bandits," I sez. "Whether mis here is the whole gang or you're just a part of it doesn't matter right now. For our purposes, you're it. Right?"
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